Feeling suicidal

[Neverletmego27]

I have ptsd, bpd and major depression. I post here sometimes for support etc. I am feeling suicidal and don't know what to do with myself. I keep having flashbacks and feelings from when I was abused and neglected when younger. I can't cope and have been self-harming and drinking more and more frequently. I have scratches all over my arms from self harming today. I am taking anti depressants and anti psychotics. My anti psychotics have made me gain weight and I have started to get uriniary incontience. My CPN is useless. The clinic messed up my last app. so now I'm stuck until the end of October in ever increasing rapid cycles with my BPD, drinking to stop it all getting on top of me and not coping. I have been feeling suicidal today and can't cope anymore. My dd is abroad with friends, due to come home on Saturday and I am scared I won't be around to see her come back. The rapid cycles are practically killing me and I just can't cope anymore.

No not at all I got very stressed by the whole thing. Ring them and they can register you. I did that and they did it all over the phone. When you say you had trouble proving the conditional offer what do you mean? I sent mine and have not heard anything. When you are feeling fragile things like this feel like such hard work (well they do to me)!!

I mean that i forgot to send my degree certificate on time but they told me as long as I can provide it by the course start, it won't be a problem. I took it in last week but didn't hear anything back about my student log in or anything like that. I think I will feel better once I have that and am registered because at the minute, I'm still in single mum unemployed with endless days stretching out of ahead of me and no real prospects.

Oh I just scanned all my stuff and did everything on line. Yes I think it will give me more of a focus to. Creative writing sounds really interesting. What was your degree in (sorry if you have already said this).

Drama was my first degree. Saw a friend today who has convinced me to ring my cpn tommorow. I keep getting feelings of pain, physical but I know they are emotional and keep getting feelings of wanting to curl up in to a ball until the pain stops, wishing there was a medication to stop it and having lots of suicidal ideation but not intention. It's really hard to describe the pain. It's just intense emotional pain all of the time. I wish there were something to stop it, these intense and very bleak moods but I just feel as though I'm going to have to live with them because there's nothing a Dr or any one else can do to help .

How's things never ?

Still up and down. I spoke to my CpN yesterday who said I should be keeping a mood diary to help the Dr to assess me when she sees me in 2/3 weeks. I'm very very tired and struggling to see the future and am having fleeting thoughts of suicide (e.g I'm alone in the house, dd is at school, I could do it now). I don't feel like doing it like I have in the past. It's more of an intrusive thought if you see what I mean?

I am waiting in for the gasman and have some work to do for where I volunteer, but I'm just feeling bored, lonely and apathetic.

I think the mood diary is a good idea. How has the rest of your day been?