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Mental health

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Original poster

Feeling suicidal

82 replies

Neverletmego27 · 31/08/2015 20:30

I have ptsd, bpd and major depression. I post here sometimes for support etc. I am feeling suicidal and don't know what to do with myself. I keep having flashbacks and feelings from when I was abused and neglected when younger. I can't cope and have been self-harming and drinking more and more frequently. I have scratches all over my arms from self harming today. I am taking anti depressants and anti psychotics. My anti psychotics have made me gain weight and I have started to get uriniary incontience. My CPN is useless. The clinic messed up my last app. so now I'm stuck until the end of October in ever increasing rapid cycles with my BPD, drinking to stop it all getting on top of me and not coping. I have been feeling suicidal today and can't cope anymore. My dd is abroad with friends, due to come home on Saturday and I am scared I won't be around to see her come back. The rapid cycles are practically killing me and I just can't cope anymore.

OP posts:

ICantThinkOfAUsernameH · 31/08/2015 22:07

Good idea, not long until the am now. Do they have crisis teams in your area too?
From my personal experience they visited me several times a day for a while until I felt better.

Original poster

Neverletmego27 · 31/08/2015 22:15

Yeah they have crisis teams. I have been under crisis care twice now. They came out once a day to give me meds and see how I was last Sumner when I had a psycho tic episode. Then a few months ago, they came out once a day after a suicide attempt.

OP posts:

moggiek · 31/08/2015 22:19

It is truly hellish. The thoughts just burst into your head out of nowhere, and trying to suppress them is so bloody, bloody exhausting. You're doing well, but don't ever be afraid or embarrassed about shouting out for help.

ICantThinkOfAUsernameH · 31/08/2015 22:21

If no luck with CPN maybe worth getting in contact with them? I really do hope things get better for you x

Original poster

Neverletmego27 · 31/08/2015 22:45

That's it Moggie, and once they have started they don't seem to stop. They really are very difficult to suppress and even more difficult to ignore. My cycles with them do seem to be getting less intense (as in, I'm not acting on them ) but it is terrifying and as though I have no control over anything when the thoughts start.

OP posts:

onlyoranges · 31/08/2015 22:48

I think when you feel suisidal and turn inwards thinking no one will miss me, people would be better off without me, if I am dead I will find peace but people do care and their pain would probably destroy them. My sister killed herself 2 years ago today and I will never ever get over the pain and the guilt and the fear. Please keep going till your dh gets back with the kids. I have ptsd and self harm and think of killing myself (my sister and I had an horrendous childhood) I am the only surviving sibling now. But I keep going for my kids. I have to how could I pass my pain onto them. Please keep posting we are all here for you. Suicide is not the answer if there is something after this life somehow and we could see what we left behind ....... Imagine what you would see after you had gone. Don't pass a lifetime of pain onto those you leave behind. Today has been horrendous for me. There are so many people on here who want to listen and to help you.

Original poster

Neverletmego27 · 31/08/2015 22:52

I am so sorry about your sisterc

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onlyoranges · 31/08/2015 23:00

Thanks Never I did come on
Here to start a thread about my self harming but read your post and wanted to respond to that instead. Just wanted to talk about her to show what gets left behind for those who choose to go. Please keep fighting. It sounds like despite everything you have still got courage and fight in you. You are very brave.

moggiek · 31/08/2015 23:13

Totally, totally sympathise. I think often people don't realise the sheer grinding hard work that goes into trying to suppress thoughts. We're not mad, we KNOW that these thoughts aren't rational, but trying to get them out of our heads is a massive task. But, we've done it before, and we'll do it again ...

educatingarti · 01/09/2015 09:58

Don't worry about seeing your way out of them for now. There is a way out that will hopefully become clearer when you're able to access more professional help. I know it can be horrendous. Would you be able to acknowledge the feelings in a "oh there they go again" way and then keep saying to yourself "These feelings are about the abuse and neglect I suffered as a child, not about stuff that is going on now." ?

ICantThinkOfAUsernameH · 01/09/2015 17:12

How are things today OP?

Original poster

Neverletmego27 · 01/09/2015 17:24

Hey :) things are a little better. I went to yoga this morning but had a flashback to the abuse and rape I experienced as a young child. Then went to see a friend for coffee and that was OK. Have just done some housework and am sitting down with a coffee before I attempt making something to eat. Have had a bad time with bleak mood since I got back, feeling very low and almost certainly rapid cycling. Can feel myself dipping really low again. My cpn is on annual leave and the Dr has bought my appointment forward to the 24th of this month. I feel as though I can't wait that long to get my rapid cycles under control :(

OP posts:

ICantThinkOfAUsernameH · 01/09/2015 18:51

Been thinking how you got on today.
Positive stuff with the yoga and seeing friend - sorry if that sounds patronising I don't mean it to be!
24th! That's a pain, is there anyone you can speak to in meanwhile that could help you feel?

Original poster

Neverletmego27 · 01/09/2015 19:33

There's no one really. I don't think anyone would understand. I just feel constantly in emotional pain and can't really put it into words or express what it means/feels like. I just drink every night to block it out as that's the only way I know to deal with things.

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NanaNina · 01/09/2015 20:08

Rapid cycling is a term used to describe a symptom of bipolar disorder, and it means that a person has up to 4 mood changes (from high, manic mood to low mood) in a 12 month period. As I understand it you have Borderline Personality Disorder (or emotionally unstable personality disorder) and "rapid cycling" is not something that occurs in this condition.

The best therapy for PTSD is EMDR (you'd have to google it) as I've heard people talk on these threads say how helpful it has been for PTSD. Not sure you can get it on NHS but maybe worth asking.

UnbelievableBollocks · 01/09/2015 20:13

I guess it depends on what the primary diagnosis is - PTSD or Borderline PD, or which it's thought would be most beneficial for primary focus. Then the choices are between DBT for the PD or the EMDR for PTSD. That's something you could focus on discussing at your October appointment.

My local adult college is running Mindfulness courses which are free for people on certain benefits - maybe check out your local college to see if they're offering something similar.

I've also heard SFS therapy mentioned, but I believe it's quite new and nature based. May be talking out of my bum though. Wouldn't be the first time here!

Original poster

Neverletmego27 · 01/09/2015 20:58

I spoke to another support group nana who suggested my cycles of being absolutely fine and then having suicidal lows throughout the day are called rapid cycles. I think I might have been misled there, but the best way I can describe it is that I am ok then all of a sudden I get a cloud of negative thoughts and suicidal compulsions I cannot get out of. When I was triggered by seeing my Dad, I got in and lay on the bed just saying ouch to myself and crying because I was in emotional pain. Then I couldn't move or do anything. I don't know how to describe these episodes or if they are just very intense emotions I cannot sit comfortably with and so look for ways out.

I don't know what my primary diagnosis is as I am waiting for a report from the psychologist, who suggested I see one of the psychology team at the clinic for therapy. I know I have bpd as a diagnosis from years back, the clinical depression and ptsd are fairly new things but the report will tell me which order they come in.

Today I was upset because I wet myself as my antipsychotic makes me have urinary incontinence. I feel as though I'm never going to be free of these conditions and horrible medication side effects. The clinic made a mistake and so now I have to waif to see a Dr to see if I can get my meds changed. They were talking about lithium to help the highs and lows I describe . I really can't hack feeling suicidal on a daily basis, and feeling as though I can't control my mood and emotions.

OP posts:

NanaNina · 01/09/2015 21:27

Yes sounds like you were misled about rapid cycling.

Incidentally UB what is this SFS therapy you mentioned. Never heard of it.

Original poster

Neverletmego27 · 01/09/2015 21:33

I don't know how to explain what I experience. Maybe something like sudden and very sharp changes in mood or intense and out of nowhere suicidal feelings. I'm not sure but it's so, so unpleasant to experience. Usually in the evening but can be any time during the day, I will be overwhelmed by suicidal feelings or will self harm. Yesterday was particularly bad with me self harming and then making suicide plans. I have the added complication of being deaf so I can't use the phone to call the samartians or even to contact my cpn very easily.

OP posts:

moggiek · 01/09/2015 21:46

I know exactly what you mean, Never. The constant cycling between 'normal' and oppressive thoughts over the course of a day is exhausting. I still think that the 24th is very far away if you're really struggling.

Original poster

Neverletmego27 · 01/09/2015 21:49

I'm glad you know what I mean Moggie. It's so hard to maintain that level of normal for a whole day without dipping.....and I never know what is coming. I never know what's going to trigger a flashback either. I was raped and sexually abused when I was really little and keep getting flashbacks and even new memories at random points throughout the day without warning.

OP posts:

UnbelievableBollocks · 01/09/2015 21:50

Rapid shifts in mood over the course of a day are common to borderline, but take heart that things like DBT and CBT can really help to skill you in managing these shifts. I mentioned mindfulness before, that can help too. It doesn't stop it from happening, but it provides methods to work through it without spiralling down.

NN - I may have got the SFS wrong. I remember it from a discussion with the psychologist, but it's a couple of years now. It was about focusing closely on something - say, a flower - and paying attention to every tiny detail, like the number of petals, the way the colour changes on the petals etc etc as a means to clear you mind and completely focus on something. I may have named it SFS in my head, but it was a great way to relax.

UnbelievableBollocks · 01/09/2015 21:51

*completely focus on someone other than the stuff in my head, that should say.

Original poster

Neverletmego27 · 01/09/2015 21:58

I know of some mindfulness courses in my area, it's just getting to them after I have done the school run and everything else as they are in the evening. I suppose I'd need a babysitter and I'm already using my sitter quota for my masters classes. I do wonder if the psychological therapy I'm meant to be having will help any with the horrible changes in mood and sudden surges in suicidal motivations.

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UnbelievableBollocks · 01/09/2015 22:08

It's exactly what the psychological therapy will help you with. I hope it gets sorted for you soon.

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