i cant cope anymore, i want it all to end

[penniless]

following on from my thread in lone parents, wanted to post at how bloody depressed i am,i feel like ive been chucked down a black hole, i cant get out of it, feel lile im suffocating, im drowning in all this worry, i feel ill, even with the help ive recently received from mumsnetters which im eternally grateful for, im still struggling.i cant go on like this, im not sleeping, i feel sick and i cant stop crying, if my car wasnt broken down id get in it now and drive into a brick wall, ive had enough.

i know she probably didnt mean it..but it doesnt help.

foundin-i dont know if i would say ive been strong.

You probably wouldn't consider yourself to have been strong - because depression (from what I know of it) distorts self-image, makes you relentlessly down on yourself. (I have never been depressed as such but know a thing or two about acute anxiety). Others see you differently.

Are you going to be able to sleep tonight? Is exhaustion creeping in at all?

If you can get through a night with a decent bit of sleep it might charge your batteries a bit to carry on fighting with your demons tomorrow.

Wish it was Monday tomorrow so you could get to your GP.

If you can't sleep, do you think you could do the thing where you imagine/visualise your limbs, in turn, becoming heavy and warm? And concentrating on 'creating' that feeling?

Are you going to be around for a bit Foundin........... . I really have to check out of here but don't want to leave penniless alone here.

Yes, I'm here. (Took me until half an hour ago to get ds off to sleep (!!!), now I need my wind down time before heading off myself). Night x

am talking to penniless on msn

Night ladies. Thinking of you penniless. x

i feel so worthless.

ij so wound up i cant physically relax anymore

I have been following your thread and my heart goes out to you. I am in the fortunate position of not having financial concerns but have overwhelmimg health concerns with regard to my family. I have difficulty sleeping every night and the only thing I can do is visualise a calm place. For me this is a huge lake in the moonlight. I set myself the goal of crossing the lake without a ripple disturbing the surface. I have used this for ten years and it always works - I am sure it was recommended to me at some time so thought I would pass it on. The effort required to do it always lulls me to sleep. Those black holes are dreadful - immense and dark..but you can move away from them. Slowly. With support. Which you have here. Swim peacefully.

penniless, i don't have anything useful to say, i've not been where you are and i don't know who you are. it's okay to lose the will to fight for a while, i think, you can't be strong all the time...
go up and look at your babies (i feel terrible now, i'm sure i remember saying something similar to my mum when i was a horrible teen) and resolve to speak to your GP first thing on Monday.
if you are frightened and in trouble, then there's no point in comparing your problems to anyone else's. your fears are valid, and so is your tiredness, especially if you haven't been sleeping. ach, i'm rambling... sorry. i'm not a huggy person but you really do deserve one... [hug]

You are not worthless. That's the depression talking.

For your children, you are the world.

For us, you are a strong and desperate person we just as desperately wish to make things better for.

Hiya,
Ive been where you are now... its not easy, but you must go to the GP tomorrow. Or phone out of hours GP tonight to come and give you something to calm you down. Ive had to send DH out countless times to out of hours GP for sleeping tablets, diazepam etc... but they work. I never thought id "get better"... but, now I havent been on medication for a few months Please please please see your GP.

i had already made an appt but its not for 2 weeks

you still around hun?

'Fraid I'm going to have to go to bed - I'm dropping.

penniless, thinking of you.

oh, there you are. Please phone out of hours GP... Honestly, he will give you something just to take the edge off now. He will sort out an earlier appointment aswell to get on some ADs sooner aswell. I havent read alot, just going on a few posts, but I think you really need to see GP. Before I went on them, I had many suicide attempts and its only by sheer luck im still here... I thought medication wouldnt do anything, it does... but I had to get it there and then. I couldnt drag myself back up alone xxx

oh quootie, how terrible to think that you mightn't have been here...
and penniless, i think quootie knows what she's talking about, can you phone an out-of-hours service, sweetheart?

TWO WEEKS??????????????????????

Gimme the number - I'll phone and yell at them til they see you!!!

Aitch - I know. A few times I took too little and just felt like death warmed up, once I took such a cocktail I threw up solid for 24 hours. Looking back, its hard to believe. Thats when I went on medication... I had sleeping tablets, ADs and diazepam... then just down to ADs. Now im off everything. Honestly, please please give them a go hun xxx

i will ring them first thing monday, if i ring out of hours, they will not come to me, they dont do home vists, you have to go to the nearest medical centre

Penniless, are you feeling at all better? Still the same? Im up for as long as you need me to be xxx

Penniless - They will send someone if you explain the seriousness of the situation and the fact you cant leave the house - no car? & children. Do you still feel like doing anything stupid? xxx