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Original poster

i cant cope anymore, i want it all to end

104 replies

penniless · 25/11/2006 23:40

following on from my thread in lone parents, wanted to post at how bloody depressed i am,i feel like ive been chucked down a black hole, i cant get out of it, feel lile im suffocating, im drowning in all this worry, i feel ill, even with the help ive recently received from mumsnetters which im eternally grateful for, im still struggling.i cant go on like this, im not sleeping, i feel sick and i cant stop crying, if my car wasnt broken down id get in it now and drive into a brick wall, ive had enough.

OP posts:
sideways · 25/11/2006 23:43

So sorry penniless. I don't really have any advice for you, but please hang on as someone more useful than me will be here soon, I'm sure.

From your other thread, a few mners seem to know who you are. Maybe more people could help you out emotionally if you told some of your close contacts who you are and how you are feeling.

emmatom · 25/11/2006 23:43

but you wont will you -- because you have children who need you...........

However bad things are, they will not always be so. There will come a time when you will be able to look back at this time and remember how bad things were, but you will be in a better place because you would have held on in there and come through it.

Do not do anything rash.

Phone the Samaritans -- please. Or talk on here.

Original poster
penniless · 25/11/2006 23:44

i cant see how they are ever going to get bbetter

OP posts:
Flamesparrow · 25/11/2006 23:46

I have been here over the past few weeks.

Think about your children - go and look at them now if you have to.

They wouldn't be better off without you (a thought probably in your head) - think of how they would feel with no mum, and how they would feel when they get older and realise that mum chose to leave them.

It will get better. I know you are having one of the sh*ttest times at the moment, but it WILL improve. MN is here and is helping to pull you through it.

Are you on any ADs? Does your doctor know anything about this? Even just going there to cry on them is often a huge release.

You are not alone (not in an alien kind of way... )

Flamesparrow · 25/11/2006 23:47

By "been here" I mean the driving into a wall stage...

Lrkids · 25/11/2006 23:48

Penniless, I haven't posted on your other thread as I'm in a similar situation to you, but I'm so sorry that you are feeling like this. Please, please think about your children, they love you and they NEED you. I often feel down, I know that feeling of not being able to get out of the hole and you will get through it even if it seems to take forever.
I'm sure someone else will be able to offer more advice soon but things will get better
x x

emmatom · 25/11/2006 23:48

No, you probably cant at the moment because you are depressed. Everything will seem black and negative.

This will be a very hard time whilst you are feeling this low, but you will come through it.

Can you say what is the main cause (is it financial) or maybe say what you think would make your situation better?

VeniVidiVickiQV · 25/11/2006 23:49

Oh penniless......

I think you need to go see your GP. You have alot of worries and stresses, and that can make you feel down, but it can also be serious enough to make you clinically depressed too.

It WILL pass. There will come a time, when your children will be older, and you wont have to worry about childcare etc and can build on your business etc. It wont happen overnight, of course it wont, but the best you can do for your family right now is keep as healthy as you can.

Please book an appointment with your GP asap.

Nemoinapeartree · 25/11/2006 23:50

aww sweetie are you on msn? Talk to me..

Original poster
penniless · 25/11/2006 23:52

flamesparrow i didnt realise, sorry
everything seems so bleak, its the run up to christmas and ive nev er felt so unhappy, i dont want to get out of bed in the morning but i cant sleep at night.

OP posts:
sideways · 25/11/2006 23:52

Your kids only have you now, don't they. DO you really want to take away their only parent? They would never be able to understand that.

I'm not trying to make you feel guilty, just to say that it will get better, even if it doesn't seem like it at the moment.

I have been depressed, and sometimes children are the only reason for getting out of bed in the morning. Weekends and nights always seem so much worse.

You are taking a lot of positive steps based on your other thread, please keep going.

Nemoinapeartree · 25/11/2006 23:52

agree about talking to gp..you know I have been there/still am...you also know your DC need you more than ever and I know how fab a person you are that you would never want to do anything that could hurt your DC.

Original poster
penniless · 25/11/2006 23:53

nemo, i will sign in

OP posts:
foundintranslationnothere · 25/11/2006 23:53

Breathe. Physically get air into yourself.

Take it a day at a time, an hour at a time, a minute at a time if need be.

Do as Flamesparrow says and go and look in on your children.

I won't pretend I know how you are feeling, because I have not been where you are. But (I know how easy to say something like this is, from experiences in different contexts) this too will pass, eventually.

Wish I could do more.

Original poster
penniless · 25/11/2006 23:55

-its everything, its the culmination of being poverty strucken along with a lot of other stuff

OP posts:
Flamesparrow · 25/11/2006 23:57

How would you know - I have been saying I am low, but not just how low...

Everything you are saying is sounding so familiar - you know you need to sleep, but your stomach is churning and there is some unknown fear about closing your eyes.. then the morning comes and you wake, and don't want to wake because it involves facing it all again, doing it all again when all you want to do is curl up in a small ball and hide away from the world.

You need one brighter day - not necessarily an amazing day, just a day when you can get up without fighting yourself, a day when you think "Yes, I can do this"... even if it is just one up in a run of down days it sort of gives you the hope to cling onto that things will be better again, that they can be better again.

Original poster
penniless · 25/11/2006 23:59

its been gradual, its been one thing after another and i physically cant take anymore, i know there are people worse off than me.
flame you are right, i cant bear to face the world, ive lost my fight

OP posts:
Flamesparrow · 26/11/2006 00:02

The knowing there are people worse off makes it all that worse - you then have guilt on top of it all.

Honestly - looking at my babies and thinking about how they would feel if I left them has been my main saving thing. I know that someone would care for them, but the damage of them knowing that I was prepared to leave them is too painful to consider.

Lrkids · 26/11/2006 00:04

I haven't caught up on your other thread today, but I know you were doing lots of positive things to help get away from where you are.

You say its everything thats getting you down. I don't know whether you have done or whether it will help but I make lots of lists of the things which are making me feel down and then on each list write what I can do or try to do to help that problem, I tick things off when I've done them and it helps me see that I am getting somewhere.

I'm probably not helping much but thought it was worth mentioning

Original poster
penniless · 26/11/2006 00:04

my teen daughter told me today she wouldnt care if i was dead

OP posts:
emmatom · 26/11/2006 00:05

You sound like you have absolutely reached the end of your tether.

It doesn't matter that there are a lot worse off than you. For you, at this time, your worries are important to you. Don't go on piling more guilt on yourself now. When you are stronger you can worry about others.

As many have said, look at your children. You didn't bring them here to leave them to fend for themselves without their mum.

Get through a minute at a time if necessary. The Samaritans are there at any time. Use them, please. You can be strong and get through this, you must, for your children. If that is the only thing that keeps you going then think of them until you can get proper help.

Flamesparrow · 26/11/2006 00:06

Teenage girls are bloody 'orrible They are best ignored at all times!

VeniVidiVickiQV · 26/11/2006 00:07

Penniless - if its any consolation, I'm 99.9% certain that your DD didnt come anywhere close to meaning it.

She'd be devastated if she even thought you didnt want to be around anymore.

You really need to get yourself along to the GP.

emmatom · 26/11/2006 00:07

Yes, and she didn't mean it - because she is a teen daughter and that is what they do sometimes.

That girl loves you and heaven forbid she lost you, can you imagine the torment she would feel.

Do not take that comment to heart.

foundintranslationnothere · 26/11/2006 00:08

Don't compare your situation to others'. Your situation is your own unique one, and your pain is valid.

Teenagers use words as weapons, and clumsy ones a that. I don't know you or her, but I'm certain your dd did not mean it.

You are here, now. Take it a minute at a time. Each one that goes by is a minute closer to a better life.

If you are who I think you are (don't worry, I will NOT out), you must have my email somewhere. I'm probably not much use, but feel free to offload.
And if you are that person - you have been immensely, awe-inspiringly strong.