Is this a terrible idea to try to help my suicidal sister?

[maryclarey]

Hi everyone

I hope it's ok to post in the topic, it's my sister who is very ill at the moment (although I have my own issues goodness knows) and I am quite desperate to help her.

She is hopeless at the moment and has that certainty that things will never get better and will not improve. She already made a serious attempt a few months ago.

I want to try to give her some hope and some focus for when she comes home (she's in a crisis house at the moment) and I was thinking of getting her a pet. Is this a terrible idea? She lives in an apartment so it would have to be something suitable for that, a house kitten or a small furry or two. Just something who she can love and maybe provide some hope and love to her.

I'll accept this might be an awful idea and I shouldn't do it, but you see nothing else I do seems to help really so I'm a bit desperate. She has that look behind her eyes and it really scares me. You know the look.

So what's the consensus? Awful or good idea?

Nobody?

Is it my writing style that puts people off replying? Alot of my threads seem to go broadly unanswered

I just want to help but if I'm on the wrong path then please someone tell me what is the right path.

No, I really don't think you should get her a pet, pets are live animals, not toys, and a responsibility that you should never take on, on someone else's behalf, please don't do it

Terrible terrible idea imo. I recently had a puppy after a very long time of consideration - it triggered the most horrific level of anxiety in me I have ever known. The puppy had to be rehomed in the end. Please don't do it if, I can see you love your sister but an animal is a big commitment.

Does she like cats OP?
Would you be able to home the cat if she can't cope?

Pets can be therapeutic and I can tell that you are very worried about your sister, but a pet is a living thing and not at all disposable. If the answers to the questions above is "yes", then getting her a kitten might be helpful. Taking her to a shelter to chose her own would be even better.

i think it might be too soon. Maybe you could enquire about her spending time at a local animal shelter. You sound so caring and worried

She might struggle with the responsibility of a pet just now. But animals are amazing for mental health.

I'd start with a plant, to be honest. Pick one that doesn't need a lot of care - a cactus or a spider plant.

crapartist I'm so sorry you and your sister are going through this. It's very stressful. I don't have direct experience of medical depression but I wished myself dead when our baby died a few years ago. Getting a dog really helped. It might be too much responsibility but could you look into maybe taking her to volunteer at a rescue or something? Some time having cuddles without too much responsibility? Sorry not to have a more informed opinion. You sound absolutely lovely to be so worried and to be trying to think of all options to help her. Sending lots of love and hope she feels better soon.

of course it doesn't have to be a dog or cat. Rats can make the most amazing companion and far easier to rehome if it doesn't work.

Please don't do it.

I have massive mental health issues and can barely look after myself. Many people suggest a job/pet/child will distract me from wanting to cause myself harm. I think it would add to the pressure I put myself under and ultimately damage another life.

Will she be at home close to you when she leaves the crisis house? If so the right path, in my opinion, would be to arrange time with her and do nice things for/with her. My therapist suggested making my shower a haven of peace - so I bought an amplifier for my iPhone (just a silicone egg thing for about £3 on amazon) so I can play music in the bathroom and some posh smellies. It helps to start the day with some simple self care and generally puts me in a better frame of mind. Can you maybe put together a care package like that for her?

More than anything, just being there for her is the answer.

By the way - it's wonderful that you want to do something to help her. So many people get abandoned by their friends and family when they're ill. Don't feel bad that you might get it wrong - better to be there getting it wrong than to not be there at all.

Would you be in a position to take it off her hands if she couldn't cope? Or be available to eg take it to the vet at a moment's notice if she couldn't manage to?
Agree with what others have said - pets are great for depression but creatures in their own right so you would have to approach this very responsibly.

No, I don't think this is a good idea. If she WANTED a pet, that would be one, but to have one foisted upon her by you? No. She sounds like she's not even capable of looking after herself at present, let alone anything else. Quite frankly the responsibility would probably be too much for her in her current delicate state and she might neglect the animal or cause it suffering.

OP if you want to help, be there for your sister. Check in on her. Send her texts. Visit. Make sure she's taking her meds. Liaise with her care team if that is needed. Whatever you do, don't dump a vulnerable animal on her and expect her to be happy and take to caring for it like a duck to water.

Please don't. I've had MH problems and the cat I was given was dumped on me just increased my anxiety through guilt. All I wanted was my own company and it was another thing that needed care and attention that I wasn't capable of providing at the time. It then got an injury that needed vetenary care and I could hardly afford it.

I'm trying to think what would have helped me at the time and im thinking not much unfortunately. Maybe some alternative therapy? Acupuncture or massage or something.

Thank you all. You don't know how good it is to get some contact on this. I have no one to talk to.

To answer some of the thoughts:

I know that animals are not toys. I was not intending to just dump an animal on her lap but rather suggest it now as something to make a plan for and help do some research and get it for her when she is ready to come home.

She is prone to panic attacks so it's useful to know that this could be a trigger, I didn't consider that.

Yes she likes cats and yes I could take it on if it went wrong. I wouldn't get a pet I couldn't take myself given the tenuousness of the situation.

She may struggle, yes. I know that my own pets help me enormously, they are such comfort but of course that might not happen to her. Its hard to know.

I don't think she is ready to spend time around lots of people by volunteering but maybe something to think about if she gets well. It is the cuddles and love you get from your own pet that just can't be beaten that I am hoping might awaken something in her if that makes sense? Some will to live. I don't think a castus will have quite the same effect.

I went to look at some rats yesterday, they are cute. I would only get a pet I could take on myself as I wouldn't want to rehome them so that is an option. I'm not sure she has the room for a big cage though.

I didn't say anything about foisting a pet on her

Ok, I can see it's a bad idea.

I am there for her, don't you think I do all of those things? It's not enough.

OP if you want to help, be there for your sister. Check in on her. Send her texts. Visit. Make sure she's taking her meds. Liaise with her care team if that is needed. Whatever you do, don't dump a vulnerable animal on her and expect her to be happy and take to caring for it like a duck to water.

I didn't say anything about dumping a pet on her.

I have done all of what you said. She still wants to die.

Oh bless you, it must be so difficult for you. I think that although a cuddly pet is a lovely idea, as others have said, it could be a two edged sword. A fish tank might be a idea, however - fish take very little looking after and it would give her something alive in the flat to watch - I find ours incredibly relaxing, and there is a sense of achievement in feeding them regularly/keeping them alive. Ditto plants, although a trip to the garden centre might be nice for her to choose a plant . . .

You sound like a very caring sister and you are doing so much already.

Thinking of you

Op you can't make another adult OK, sadly. I have depression and it's taken me lovely Dh a very long time to understand this. It's horrible not to be able to 'fix' someone you love. You sound like a lovely sister and you are doing the best you can by the sound of it.
All I can tell you is what has helped me when I've been relapsing:

Is she on medication and is she taking it properly? If it's not working for her, drag her to her GP/psych/crisis team. I have got stroppy with Dh for putting his foot down about meds before but once I'm feeling better I acknowledge he's right

Someone to just sit with you and let you cry, rage and despair without trying to fix it beyond cuddles and listening can be amazing. A bad episode makes me feel so vulnerable and afraid and awful that just having someone be truly present with me and acknowledge the validity of my feelings While reassuring me that they are not accurate and are caused by illness is helpful.

Does she enjoy spending time with your pets? Could you get her to take on some responsibilities for them ie buying their food each week, feeding them when she comes round/you are out? Might be a way of giving her some purposeful, achievable tasks without actually taking on an animal herself.

You are doing a great job, depressed people are very hard work sometimes and I know because i am one!

Having had depression most of my life and been suicidal for a fair bit of it I actually think it could be a good idea, providing you know she is an animal person would like the idea if a pet. (You are obviously best placed to know this being her sister). You have thought it though and are prepared to take the pet on of it doesn't work out, so if you really believe it might help, maybe give it a try, knowing that it might not.

I am not sure if I would be here if it wasn't for my dogs, in my (admitted fucked up) head, the rest of my family would be okay/better off without me, but my dogs need me.

However a close friend has a veritable menagerie, and is single, so they are totally dependent on her, and has made several serious attempts on her life .

Hi OP. This isn't a bad idea at all. I know it doesn't work for everyone, but for the people with mental illness I know, many say their pets are the greatest thing in their life. Certainly two of them when suicidal always made sure they took their dogs out with them as they knew they wouldn't do anything to harm themselves while the dogs were there. Another lady got a kitten when she was last discharged from hospital after a severe depressive episode and the change in her has been amazing.

All of these people have support with their pets though, in that if they need to be admitted, or are unwell, they have people who will come and help in their house or look after their pets for a while.

In the case of PD, particularly borderline or EM, the people I've worked with have got a lot out of owning a cat or dog as they are loyal and uncomplicated in many ways.

Don't discount it. I've seen many positive effects from pet ownership, even with those who have serious or complex mental health issues.

p.s. Some folks on this thread have been right cunty. Don't fret about them.

OP, you sound absolutely lovely and really caring in wanting to help your sister so much

It isn't a terrible idea, it's very thoughtful of you. However, depressed people often lose total perspective about their life and feel it's better for everyone if they left everyone's life. For that basis, I'm afraid that a pet wouldn't make an awful lot of difference

Is she being medicated? Is she receiving counselling?

Are you talking to someone about this? You need to make sure you are getting adequate support as well, it can be so emotionally draining being the support for a deep erased person and constantly on tenterhooks of someone who has suicidal thoughts

You'll get a lot of different responses on these boards, ignore the harsh ones and take comfort in the nice words. You might also search for the mental health boards as they may be able to give you some good advice

Oh my apologies, you're already on mental health! Sorry!

yes the cactus comment gets my award for the most cuntish, downright stupid, comment i have seen on here. Ever. ive been here a while.

op you know your sister better than we do. long term i think a pet is a fabulous idea as it will take her thoughts away from her illness. im just not sure its good right now. see how she feels. i know i share alot of empathy with my rescue dog. like we rescued each other.

Thanks to those sending such kind messages. Those of you saying things that suggest I am dumping or foisting an animal on her really should think carefully before flinging such comments about willy-nilly. Please consider that I am someone who is desperately asking for advice on the internet because I have no one to talk to about it properly in real life and I need help not passive aggressive comments. I said in my original post I'm willing to accept it might not be a good idea. My only goal here is to keep my sister alive.

Thanks again to those posting helpful comments, I will consider them all carefully.