Is this a terrible idea to try to help my suicidal sister?

[maryclarey]

Hi everyone

I hope it's ok to post in the topic, it's my sister who is very ill at the moment (although I have my own issues goodness knows) and I am quite desperate to help her.

She is hopeless at the moment and has that certainty that things will never get better and will not improve. She already made a serious attempt a few months ago.

I want to try to give her some hope and some focus for when she comes home (she's in a crisis house at the moment) and I was thinking of getting her a pet. Is this a terrible idea? She lives in an apartment so it would have to be something suitable for that, a house kitten or a small furry or two. Just something who she can love and maybe provide some hope and love to her.

I'll accept this might be an awful idea and I shouldn't do it, but you see nothing else I do seems to help really so I'm a bit desperate. She has that look behind her eyes and it really scares me. You know the look.

So what's the consensus? Awful or good idea?

I dont think its a bad idea at all, providing she is an animal person. I have suffered with depression for years and i have 3 cats (mum, dad and baby) and they really help me. If I'm feeling low i find it really helps to cuddle one of them. Luckily all of my cats are extremely friendly and love a cuddle. It might give her a purpose in life?

A word of caution - a friend of mine who has anxiety issues got a rescue dog, everyone thought what a great idea, take her mind off things etc, After a few weeks she couldn't cope with the dog and returned it to the rescue, resulting in her feeling more anxious than ever and guilt ridden about letting the dog down. Not saying this would happen but pets can cause as well as relieve stress/ anxiety.

Oh my word you're getting a hard time here! I think it's lovely she has you to support her and it must be difficult for you.
There are charities that use animals in this type of situation to help comfort and calm people - I can see that this is what you want for your sister.
Would this be an option for you?

dogsfordepression.org.uk

www.petsastherapy.org

This is what I was trying to explain. It has been very beneficial in older people who were depressed due to isolation - I was amazed at the results.

Oh thank you so much. I didn't know there were such charities. Thank you thank you.

Do you know any unwell or elderly people with a dog who might like some help looking after it/walking it?

I'm thinking, if it's possible, maybe you should be the one volunteering and sort of including you sister. So eg. you offer to walk a neighbours dog twice a week, or go and pay with the dogs/cats/small furries at a shelter (or foster from home?) and take her with you. Then there's no pressure but all the cuddles :)

If she does later decide to get a pet I think guinea pigs might be suitable. They might require proper daylight/balcony though, not sure. But easy enough to look after and do a lovely excited squeaky chorus when they know you're nearby :) Rescues do get smaller pets, as well as accidental litters advertised on gumtree and similar. But the choice needs to be entirely hers and maybe she'll want a dog after going down the above route!

From a depressed person, thanks for caring so much about her

When i had a miscarriage and as a result separated from my ex, i was so low and alone. My cousin needed to rehome her rat. I must say, he was such a comfort to me. He felt like my familiar. He was really affectionate and cuddly, funny and naughty. I still keep a little framed photo of him on my desk.

You sound such a kind sister OP, and I'm not sure why you had so many negative replies to begin with.

I had my first puppy when I was 16 and very unwell with OCD. She saved my life and made everything so much better. It's not a cure, obviously, but I couldn't lie in bed depressed when I had a demanding puppy to look after and it did wonders for my health - mental and physical. I still have her and she is still a wonderful companion. I've since taken on more pets and they are the light of my life. Make me smile everyday, no matter how crappy I'm feeling.

All of the health care professionals involved in my care have been very positive about the affect my pets have, I've even had compliments on how well looked after they are which is a great self-esteem booster.

My only caveat which it seems you've already considered is that if your sister didn't manage to cope, the pet would need someone else to rely on. I've recently had a blow to my physical health (suspected CFS) and needed some support with looking after my pets. Luckily, I have family willing and happy to do this but back up plans are essential not a luxury.

Good luck and I hope that if you do go ahead it changes your sisters life for the better.

Isn't there a website "dating" service for people who want to walk dogs and busy people who don't have time to walk their own?? Forget what it's called... That might be somewhere to start, with support.

I agree you sound like a lovely caring sister!

You sound a really lovely sister. I know how painful it is to be in your place. For my DSis a kitten was a fabulous thing.

So sorry to hear what you're going through OP and you sound so caring about your sister suffering from this horrible illness.

In my experience of people suffering with depression/being suicidal, pets have really helped. Dogs are very hard work but of course encourage you to go out even for a short walk daily which can be great for moods.

Cats on the other hand tend to do their own thing and bar feeding there's not much to do (I assume you would be able to help with jabs/vet bits) and they like a cuddle from time to time too.

Of course it can be a lot to take on, especially if your sister suffers from anxiety so maybe discuss the idea with her beforehand and she might have her own views and ideas?

As someone else has mentioned, maybe a weekly/daily commitment to walking a friend or neighbours dog may be helpful and less pressure? There's a website called borrowmydoggy.com that may be of use if you don't know anyone with pets.

I also just wanted to send a huge virtual hug. Although in my life I have known someone to commit suicide and have breakdowns, I was never of an age to have to do anything about it so havent had to make these decisions on behalf of someone else.

I'm sorry to hear you and your sister are having a hard time and that she's in a low place and I hope that something you do can eventually get through to her and help her slowly rebuild her life ???????????? xxxx

I haven't read the whole thread - so sorry if this has been suggested already, but would it be possible for your sister to volunteer for a local dogs home, or some other service where she could walk other people's dogs?
I think contact with dogs can be massively therapeutic, also she'll be doing something that will be hugely and genuinely appreciated.

Actually, if there are other animal charities near enough, how about volunteering for one of those? There are certainly horse rescue charities (Blue Cross, Redwings, to name 2), that rely on volunteers. I think looking after horses is similar to walking dogs for well-being, calmness, etc. (possibly more so, in fact). Again, her input would be massively useful and appreciated, and also, potentially, she'd be learning new skills.

A bit of an essay there, but I really think that looking after animals is one of the best anti-depressants available. I think your idea to facilitate this if possible is really good. If she can volunteer for a charity it may be less risky than a situation that she would need to commit to long term, and also perhaps has more benefits like usefulness, getting out and about, etc.

I know 'the look' you mean OP. ... And I understand how much you want that to be different.
I think a pet may be a good idea, but to be honest I wouldn't discount a plant either.
I have a relative who has been very depressed, and one thing we did was visit a garden centre, have a cup of tea and cake, and she chose a plant to take home. The plant for her has an association with a day out with someone who cares about her.
Caring for a plant is also less taxing. The pet may be better later.

Some rescue centres are very happy to have cat cuddler volunteers, no responsibility, just someone who comes to give the animals affection, no requirement to be with or interacting with lots of people if someone doesn't want / can't deal with that; might be a good half way point?
My dog keeps me going some days, I too struggle physically as well (ME & Fibromyalgia) but have backup from my folks and it does mean I manage to drag myself out for even a short time on low days which helps my mood; as does the fact she's a comedian so makes me laugh and smile at times when nothing else would

How about this?

www.cinnamon.org.uk/volunteers/

If she's still in the wanting to die stage then no. This is where my cat came from, locked in the house for 4 days alone because my mentally ill, suicidal charge who tries to kill herself multiple times a month can't see past her own illness.

There have been many suggestions made. Please don't give her the responsibility of a pet.

Op you sound absolutely lovely and it was in good faith you suggested this.
Just wanted to add my kitten now mrCat triggered terrible anxiety in me too they need so much care. It's taxing.

Thanks everyone. I'm taking all your advice and opinions on board and am looking at charities and other options for now. Thanks x

Hi. As someone with MH issues, please don't. I know you don't intend to just get a puppy/ kitten and yell 'surprise!'. It's a lovely thought, and you're lovely to want to help. But - bad idea.
Even if you just suggested it, she might feel pressure to agree.
People are discharged as soon as possible. She will still struggle to look after herself, let alone a pet.
I have a cat. I love her to bits but honestly, sometimes I wish I hadn't. I feel so anxious about her, I feel guilty that I'm not doing enough for her and am a bad owner. I do enjoy her and objectively she's fine, but the anxiety is horrible.
Something like element and other pps suggest would be better. If in future she wants to get a pet, let her know you're available to help (assuming you are) if she got unwell again, went away or needed a break. That would avoid any sad situations like the one gamerchick refers to. I worry what would happen to my Madame if I had a crisis - I would never want her to be alone and uncared for and I wouldn't let her be. I would worry about telling the staff I had her in case they thought I was abusive and she was removed. Luckily I do have friends and family. Having so meone to rely on would mean a lot. Anyway. Slight derail

You know, the most important thing I want to say after reading this thread is: You are a wonderful wonderful sister

You may not know it til years after, maybe you'll never hear it said, but having someone just hanging on to her, no matter what, and caring caring caring, that's what you are doing for her and you are doing so well 'just' doing that.

I lost my sister, and I can tell you having a sister who loves you makes the whole world a little bit better. And because I lost her, I can empathise with you about how scared and powerless you must feel. X

Bless your heart, OP.

Wishing your sister the strength to pull through.