Late abortion for mental health reasons - any experience?

[Sleeplessinnorthlondon]

This is a very sensitive and maybe ill advised post. I have a termination booked for Monday. I have battled pregnancy anxiety all through this and can't keep it going any more. I will be 18+1 so last week they can do the 1 day surgical abortion. On the one hand, as I am not in sound mind I can see there are arguments against doing this, on the other, have tried so, so hard with counselling, CBT, therapy, psych, midwife, friends, family to accept help and get my head straight and nothing worked for long at all and feels now like am at the last chance. Yes, things might improve, equally, they might not and bringing a child into the world to be raised by me in this mind set feels like the worst thing I could do, worse than termination. I have been advised that termination could leave me feeling worse but I struggle to see how it could do at present and it's a risk I increasingly feel I want to take.

OP, please give yourself a chance to have this baby. No-one can promise anything but the vast majority of babies are born healthy.

What does your partner think? Have you told him what you're planning?

I posted on a previous thread of yours. You sound so desperate, I feel your terror. I really worry you will transfer all of your anxiety and horror onto the termination if you go ahead. Once it is done you can never undo it. I have had mental health problems, some related to pregnancy anxiety, and I am so worried this temporary condition will lead you to make a permanent, irreversible decision. Honestly, you will one day feel like yourself again - you will never stop worrying for this child, you will probably regularly be horrified that there is now something worse that could happen to you than your own death - that something could happen to your child - it is horrendous having anxiety about our children. But you will feel like yourself again. Please, hold on. Keep holding on.

Op. Please reconsider.
I didn't know I was pregnant, and had a really awful fluey cold. I took the maximum of paracetamol, washing them down with brandy each time. It was the most ill I'd ever felt in my life.
Only when a week later the brandy was used up, I realise how late I was.

My baby was and is completely fine.
Please listen to what other people are telling you.

OP, are you under a perinatal mental health team? I know you've got some mental health support, but a perinatal psychiatrist would be best to help you. Is there a way you can get an urgent referral to see one, by asking your GP, midwife, current psychiatrist? I don't think CBT is going to help you at the moment, you sound really quite unwell, and some urgent specialist help could make a massive difference.

TBH, ordinary midwives and GPs are not the best people to be helping you at the moment. You need specialist, urgent care.

I spent many months on a mother and baby unit, before and after giving birth. If you want to talk about anything that relates to that, please, please PM me, I'd be more than happy to email/talk.

I'm concerned that you're not getting the right support.

Samway

Yes harsh but also very true.

I really think if you wanted a baby that you may feel guilt that is worse than the anxiety you feel now. Especially if you come to realise that your baby would have been ok.

I was on your other thread too. I know you desperately want an end to this. A termination will end your pregnancy, but it won't end your illness. It's not a cure. You won't suddenly feel better or be thinking rationally after it. I think instead, the termination will become the new focus of your guilt/anxiety/depression.

Please, please be honest with your health care professionals, tell them how badly you are feeling, let them help you. I know it will be insanely difficult, I have been where you are. I understand the horror of it. But your situation isn't hopeless, your illness is treatable and manageable. You can be happy and healthy again, I truly believe that.

I think - I might be wrong but I don't think I am - that in the very early stages of pregnancy the risk of alcohol is that it increases the likelihood of miscarrying the baby. Foetal alcohol syndrome is a risk later on and through sustained drinking. So if you've made it this far, then chances are your baby is healthy. Although, like others have said, there are no guarantees. Ever.

Like others have said, please, please, please think about this carefully. It's not going to make you feel better.

you will not have harmed your baby

I just know.

When I had my ds I also didn't know for about 7 weeks.

I remember going to the Dr and I simply wouldn't leave till he did something. He ended up sending me to Hosp for a liver function test. I just wanted to scream in his face its not my liver I am worried about!

The greatest risk is miscarriage and you have not miscarried.

I really don't think an abortion is the solution you are looking for.

Sorry op I feel for you.

Blonde yes

This is what consultant advised me

Oh and I felt nothing for my baby when I was pregnant

My second worry, after FAS, was that I simply would not love him. I felt nothing at the scan and nothing at movements and nothing at his heartbeat.

He is now 5 and I just can't think of the right words to tell you how amazing he is.

With ds 2 a marker for downs syndrome was found and as hard as it was I accepted this condition and carried on. I believe to this day that pregnancy yoga got me through. And guess what? He did not have downs. In my heart of hearts I believed he did.

Sleepless - I have seen some of your other threads too.

I really dont' think this is going to be the end for you. You seem to believe that, if you end this pregnancy, you can start again with a fresh slate. That's not how it works. There is a very real chance than any subsequent pregnancy will be plagued with the same anxiety. Because you can never be perfect. You may not drink any alcohol, but I have seen threads where women become irratationally consumed that a steak wasn't cooked through, or that a piece of cheese was 'off' or that standing next to someone smoking was harmful, or that karma will punish them for previous terminations.

If you want children at some point, I would really urge you to push forward with treatment. This isn't a one off solution.

Also, in your fragile state I'm not sure you've grasped the nature of an 18 week termination.

TBH OP I think you'd struggke to find anyone willing to perform a termination in these particular circumstances.

And I say with absolute certainty, that the pre IVF screening would preclude your future fertility treatment as a result of this. I'm so sorry you're going through this but it's not the answer, and as you'll have seen from all the posts, is simply a new fresh hell.

Please explore medication. If you believe you've already damaged your baby, taking prescribed meds for your mental state cant make anything worse can it?

I agree with people who are saying that if you do go through with the termination there might be a whole new set of problems to deal with like guilt and if only I hadn't done this. It's not as if a termination will solve any problems. People do worry that there is something wrong with their child but the vast majority of children are born healthy.

OP, I just want to implore you to get some specialist perinatal health care before anything else. Whether or not you have an abortion, I think you really need help. If you have an abortion, you'll need help. If you don't, you also will. Can you call your midwife/GP/psychiatrist today and get an urgent appointment? Tonight?

Print off the threads you have written, tell them how you feel and ask for help of some kind from a perinatal psychiatrist. They WILL be able to help you, whether or not you go ahead with an abortion.

BTW, I'm not judging you for having a termination, if you choose to, that is absolutely OK. But I don't think you really want one? I think what's happening is that your mind is in a very confused, highly anxious and unstable place. Please get some help.

I was very poorly in my pregnancy with terrible mood swings, then depression and psychosis. I was able to be helped by having a mood stabiliser and an anti psychotic. Other people I know have had antidepressants in pregnancy safely. Pregnancy can do things to your mind and mood that are very dramatic.

Please try to find help from mental health services, you can feel better. I am sure of it.

You do realise that you will feel the same if you get pregnant again after terminating this one?

It might not be able alcohol next but perhaps accidentally exposing yourself to some virus, having eaten some pate, too much sugar, too little sugar, too much exercise, tripping on a rug and falling over, getting dog poo in your shoe, touching an animal that might give you an infection, needing to take some painkillers, getting food poisoning,.... There are endless little ways you could suddenly think you've done the wrong thing while pregnant. Will you keep terminating in the hope that you'll one day get the mythical perfect pregnancy?

Parents make mistakes all the time. Whatever sort of pregnancy you have, you will get things wrong before and after the baby is born. It's impossible not to. You can't walk away from a child or a pregnancy just because what you did may not have been perfect and you can't cope with that responsibility.

If you terminate this pregnancy, please only do so if you never intend to get pregnant again because you are never going to get what you want from being a parent.

Please get the mental health team to admit you to hospital if that is what it takes, but please don't go through with this termination. From your previous thread, you need support right now.

You are not thinking clearly at the moment, and an impulse decision to go through with the termination, will not solve your problems, it will only create more.

Who re-booked the termination? Did your parents and husband support you in this decision? Are you going with their full support, and the full encouragement of your mental health team? I don't think so. The reason is because it will not solve the situation.

You have been advised that a termination at this point could make you feel worse, don't risk that.

I have read your other thread.

You said you always felt worse in the mornings and better later in the day.

Have you got your 20 weeks scan booked? Could you book an earlier scan? The reassurance of a more detailed scan may help.

All of your HCP have reassured you about this. Last week you felt on a high. I believe you need to be an in-patient for a while.

Who have you spoken to today for real life support?

Yy confuseddeio.

My friend did not know she was pregnant until 12 weeks in (she kept getting her period throughout). During that time she went on a pub crawl! Her daughter was born 100% healthy and is now an intelligent, well-adjusted 12yo.

Op another one saying please don't do this. And I'm not judging at all

I miscarried at 14 weeks and it wasn't safe for me to have surgical management.

It's been horrific (and I've been where you are re IVF).

No guarantees for any pregnancy. You're also not in your right mind (who would be) and as Pp said, the issue is the anxiety, not the pregnancy (and I have and am suffering from crippling anxiety T the moment, so know something of what you're going through.

I'm so sorry. X

Yy Samway.

Another one from your other thread pleading with you not to abort this baby. You are in the throes of a crisis which is not your fault but if you go through with a termination you will likely have to labour and give birth to a dead baby. That is not going to improve your mental state.

As others have said you are close to viability. You're so close. Your baby will be healthy. You will be happy again and this baby will be a source of such happiness. Don't do what can't be undone.

Having now read through this, here's another voice saying please don't go ahead with the termination, OP.

I actually wanted to say that in my first post, because something in your OP suggested to me that you do want this baby, so much. Now I realise you were about to start IVF it's clearer.

If you were struggling to conceive it sounds like this baby was pretty determined. Whatever else was going on, this one was healthy and able to hold on and grow. That is a good sign.

It must be the most nerve-wracking time, to be pregnant when you thought it might never happen. Combine that with all the hormones and perinatal anxiety and no wonder you're finding it so hard. But it won't always be so.

It is a bit circular, too - that's what anxiety does, feeds off itself. You say "bringing a child into the world to be raised by me in this mind set feels like the worst thing I could do". So you're so anxious about doing everything perfectly for your baby, that you think you're too anxious to be a mother! Do you see what I mean?

and please, please talk to someone mental health related asap. It IS an emergency. Do you know about perinatal mental health services in your area?