I have nothing to live for. Want to kill myself.

[DevastatedDecember]

I am 30. I spent Christmas alone as my family can't be arsed with me any longer because I'm so feeble, I have severe depression and a long term illness that flared up and made me very unwell, including falling and knocking myself out on Monday and needing 2 stitches in the back of my head. A family member did call on Christmas Day to ask if I was ok. It's not their fault they're reluctant to engage with me, it is because I have nothing to offer anyone. I feel like an alien, I don't know how to converse about normal life things because I have had my throat stamped on so much I just lie paralysed watching the world go by.

It's been a very lonely week, and am realising today that there is nothing to look forward to. Nothing can ever change.

I have no job after getting fired last month. All of my doctors do not think I am fit to work full time at the moment and I have to agree. But I'm also poor and have no way out. I will look for a part time job now in January but I will still just be scraping along, no security, no way of saving a penny, no way of building a better financial future.

I live in a houseshare and find not having my own space a massive strain this last while. I will never be able to afford to have my own rented place, let alone buy. I would love a pet for a companion and can't have this as per landlord's rules.

I have an attachment disorder which means I probably will be on my own for the rest of my life. What is the point. I'd love to be a mum, have a family, but it's not going to happen. I'm just going to be on my own in pain forever with no respite, until the time I finally fall and bang my head and it's over, instead of needing stitches.

Very suicidal tonight in a weird, strange way. I feel like I should kill myself because there is no other road to try, and the thought of another whole year of shit and pain has me in tears and gulping down wine. But it isn't fair. I shouldn't have to kill myself as the best option, there should be another way. I just can't find it.

Please don't tell me to move from London. It has taken years of fighting and pushing and fighting to build the medical team around me that I have now (including a psychiatrist I trust, and a psychologist who has helped me a lot) who could hopefully keep me able-bodied for as long as possible. Living in other parts of the UK I had nowhere near the care I had I have an appointment with different specialists once a week on average.

I don't know what to do, there is nothing I can do. Please help me. I can't stop thinking that suicide is the best choice. Not going to actually do anything, but oh god the pain from everything is ripping me in two.

Things can get better and you do have a future, you mentioned getting a pet, that's something to focus on. Be kind to yourself.

I'm sure they do care about you otherwise they wouldn't call. They obviously lack understanding of your conditions. Could you go to stay with one of them?

I don't think you're feeble December. I think you're dealing with a horrible situation in the best way you can. I certainly don't think you've nothing to offer. Reading your post, you sound intelligent and thoughtful. In your later post you also sound like you think about others because you talk about not wanting to disturb your friends when they're having time with others. That does not sound like nothing to offer.

If you were MY friend I'd want you to pick up the phone and talk to me. I certainly wouldn't want you to be lonely and miserable and feel you couldn't talk to me.

Talk to your friends or the Samaritans.

Tomorrow is another day and it may well be a far better one.

I'm sorry you've had such a bad Christmas

Career was communications. I can't go back to it in a part time guise, roles hardly ever come up unless you are a lot further along the career ladder than me. I don't even want to go back to that world, the thought of it makes me feel a bit sick. I don't care enough about writing annual reports or press releases or blah blah blah. I just don't care. I'm sorry, that shows up what a selfish person I am, but it's the truth.

The key message is: if nothing changes, nothing changes.

You hold all the cards.

Hi DevastatedDecember. You said that you can't have your own pet. Have you ever thought about volunteering at a local cat or dog shelter? I have pets and I know the joy and pleasure they bring me, just a thought that it might give you something to look forward to each week and help animals who would show appreciation with unconditional love (and sloppy kisses!)

I was severely depressed for 10 years. 6 separate suicide attempts. Alcohol issues, eating disorder (4.5 stone anyone?), PTSD, and attachment disorder.
My 2 closest friends died, my father died, my brother went non contact, I was unemployed and in negative equity.

I'm now in positive equity, relatively healthy, fairly stable mentally (still have anxiety issues but worked through everything else) and other than a Nutella habit I don't under or over indulge in anything. Ok maybe nice chocolates if anyone buys them for me

Don't lose hope, please?

No it just shows that you need to do something different. You're not going to get approval on here agreeing that suicide is the way out. Tell us something positive about you.

Not wanting to write annual reports and press releases does not make you selfish (a lot of people would say it makes you sensible!)

Lots of companies will give you a foot in the door though for just having a university education.

Administration jobs things like that. Lots of part time roles available.

Quitelikely, I stayed away from them this year as last year was such a disaster with them. I don't fit in. They are a little family group - my biological mother and her family - and I'm the weird outsider.

They certainly don't want me to go and stay. We have had so much bad feeling she avoids eye contact with me these days.

Brilliant idea by catspangle

If one of my friends felt like you feel right now, I would happily leave my 'socialising' and other 'downtime' to be there for you, with you, however you needed me. Hand to hold, hugs to give, coffee to make, curry to order, ear to listen. I would be there like a shot. And I would do it because I wanted to, and because, well, as a friend, that's my job right? to be there, like they are for me?

What I am saying is that you say your friends are good friends, then let them be. Please call one of them.

Yes it is, thank you Catspangle. I did join Borrow My Doggy (where you can walk/ cuddle other people's pets in your locality) as well before Christmas, and when I can afford it I will pay to be a full member.

Could you call your out of hours GP for a referral to the Crisis team? they have an out of hours number.

What about advertising your services on gumtree for dog walking? Where I live they charge roughly £10. Not necessarily companies either, just folk who obviously love dogs and walking!

Hello again
Just to say we've moved this thread.
Really hope that keeping talking and some of the more practical solutions will help - but would again reiterate the need for RL help
Very kindest to you

MulledWine, don't get me wrong, they are wonderful friends (my closest ones) but one sat all night in hospital with me not two weeks ago, and the other is driving down so we can spend New Year together and has things he needs to sort out in his own life (family illness) and I want him to get a good night's rest.

Since my mum died I have taken so, so much from friends in terms of support. It's been five years, I need to get a grip.

It's a shame about your family but I don't think you should hope that they will change. The dynamics usually stay the same and it's about whether you can accept them or not. I've learned to have low expectations in that respect. Yes lots of folk have great loving families but lots of folk don't. Dysfunction is everywhere within most families but very well hidden unless you're on the inside of it

That sounds good! Have you ever thought about offering your services as a dog walker/sitter and charging people for this? There is a lady in my area who charges £9 an hour for animal care, such as dog walking, cat feeding and litter changing etc. She advertises on Facebook and has a large client group since starting 6 months ago. Xx

Sometimes OP it is about getting a grip or grabbing life by the scruff of the neck as I like to call it. I have been somewhere similar to you and that is what I actually had to do because I realised no one else was going to do it for me, not even the pills. I soldier on. I'm not super duper great, but I try hard. Medication isn't always miraculous. It just isn't IME.

Sometimes, just sometimes we have to go for it.

Tonight you need to start thinking and planning how tomorrow is certainly not going to be like today.

It sound like you are doing things to help yourself, so you are taking some control over this and do have some power. You can build on that.

OK. Let's say you have a completely different and really great life. Tell us about that, how would that look for you? Lets imagine nothing is impossible and it doesn't have to be in any way achievable or realistic.

Just wanted to send you some

It sounds like you are more than able to think through useful options (such as contacting borrow my doggy) - but everything hurts too much right now.

Maybe your bio family will never give you what you need and deserve and the best way forward would be to somehow reduce their emotional power over you. Maybe your next step could be to research groups and meet ups in your area; your next project could be slowly building up more contacts with others, through volunteering or support groups (health allowing). You need better social support than you have now. It takes time but it would be positive, useful.

Maybe your bio family will realise their lack and failure to be there for you, but it may be logical to start building up tentative additional connections with others, too? Your illness and depression won't stop others liking you - we're all broken in our own ways.

I know it is easier said than done, but you sound very bright, you have friends, you have survived five hideous years...maybe it will be five and a half hideous years and then there will be change if some sort. Hang on.

Sorry if none of that helps at all - I just wanted to reach out. Hope your head feels better soon.

How, Quitelikely? How do you build a life from nothing? No money, health or experience of what good relationships should look like, for example?

How did you do it? What was your start point and how did you negotiate the obstacles?

I think what you are saying is highly commendable, and I greatly admire you (and anyone) who can turn their life around despite it seeming impossible, but with the greatest respect it is unfair to suggest that anyone can do this. You need a combination of inner resources and outer resources to make sustainable change. I have neither. I started off a very strong willed person, but it has been slowly steam-rollered out of me. My inner resources are gone. I can't see past the next xanax or glass of wine at the minute. I am overwhelmingly baffled by what I even need to start thinking about to change. All I know is I don't have coping resources for much more of this intensity of pain. It has been too relentless, too long, and just keeps gathering force.

OP, the cinnamon trust are always looking for people to help walk dogs. This isn't something you would have to pay for. Here's a link to their map, showing where help is most urgently needed - although they do need help UK wide. On the same page is a link for their registration form. If you are interested, get it filled in and sent off! You could really help someone out
www.cinnamon.org.uk/volunteers/