I have nothing to live for. Want to kill myself.

[DevastatedDecember]

I am 30. I spent Christmas alone as my family can't be arsed with me any longer because I'm so feeble, I have severe depression and a long term illness that flared up and made me very unwell, including falling and knocking myself out on Monday and needing 2 stitches in the back of my head. A family member did call on Christmas Day to ask if I was ok. It's not their fault they're reluctant to engage with me, it is because I have nothing to offer anyone. I feel like an alien, I don't know how to converse about normal life things because I have had my throat stamped on so much I just lie paralysed watching the world go by.

It's been a very lonely week, and am realising today that there is nothing to look forward to. Nothing can ever change.

I have no job after getting fired last month. All of my doctors do not think I am fit to work full time at the moment and I have to agree. But I'm also poor and have no way out. I will look for a part time job now in January but I will still just be scraping along, no security, no way of saving a penny, no way of building a better financial future.

I live in a houseshare and find not having my own space a massive strain this last while. I will never be able to afford to have my own rented place, let alone buy. I would love a pet for a companion and can't have this as per landlord's rules.

I have an attachment disorder which means I probably will be on my own for the rest of my life. What is the point. I'd love to be a mum, have a family, but it's not going to happen. I'm just going to be on my own in pain forever with no respite, until the time I finally fall and bang my head and it's over, instead of needing stitches.

Very suicidal tonight in a weird, strange way. I feel like I should kill myself because there is no other road to try, and the thought of another whole year of shit and pain has me in tears and gulping down wine. But it isn't fair. I shouldn't have to kill myself as the best option, there should be another way. I just can't find it.

Please don't tell me to move from London. It has taken years of fighting and pushing and fighting to build the medical team around me that I have now (including a psychiatrist I trust, and a psychologist who has helped me a lot) who could hopefully keep me able-bodied for as long as possible. Living in other parts of the UK I had nowhere near the care I had I have an appointment with different specialists once a week on average.

I don't know what to do, there is nothing I can do. Please help me. I can't stop thinking that suicide is the best choice. Not going to actually do anything, but oh god the pain from everything is ripping me in two.

Hi Devastated that is good you have signed up for an animal volunteering thing, because something like that could respark some joy in your life.

Christmas can be a horribly "triggering" time for loss and problems with family, grief etc. and it can feel overwhelming when looking back at all the losses and forward at further difficulties and uncertainties. I know, because I have survived a lot myself.

You can - and, I believe, will - find joy and happiness again. Don't rule out ever having a relationship, or being a mum, etc. but it can't all be done today. All you really have to do is get thru today and tomorrow will come with its own freshness.

There will no doubt be further difficulties - so many of us are facing loneliness of sorts and financial struggle on top of mental health problems and job issues - but there will be opportunities and moments of joy to hand on to too, unique for every person.

Don't rule out the samaritans if possible, it's true they can't live your life for you, but they can listen as you talk through what is upsetting you the most and that way you might find some clarity in why you are feeling so down right now and how you might seek help.

Good luck!

Fakenamefornow -

I don't know what I want. For example I thought I had a supportive family, but since my mum died my brother and sister don't want much contact from me. Haven't seen them for a year.

My biological mother has backed off a lot as well, we got on well when I was happier and less depressed, but I'm not really her problem.

I had a fiance, who I broke up with because he was extremely immature and hurtful.

So now when I think I'd love a supportive family, I don't know what that looks like. All the relationships I thought were real just weren't. Nothing was what it seemed.

I feel like I'm going mad, I don't want to be alone forever but I sure as hell don't want any of what has happened before.

I guess I would love a genuine, mutually-supportive network of friends, and one day a partner. And children. And dogs or cats!

You have inner resources! You have posted here, you have - and have been able to make - friends who care for you and want to help.

I don't know what your psychological care looks like, but I can say CBT helped me get from a stage where I was unable to look anyone in the eye because I felt so depressed and alienated to not feeling suicidal and able to interact with people again.

You can have your family but they just can't make you better. When we are depressed we don't always see things clearly.

They might not want to discuss your depression with you but it doesn't mean they don't want you in their life. I suppose you have to respect their boundaries. They probably don't know what to do to help and they may not understand why you are being so stand offish. Although I'm not doubting your perception of them as such it's worth considering.

Sometimes it's just ok to be around family. Sitting watching tv etc. not laughing and having a holy old time iyswim but just being with them.

How are you sleeping op?

Also, do you ever laugh?

I ask these questions because you need some respite from these feelings and you need it now. That could be through sleep, if that is something you can do, or laughing if something we might be able to direct you to could do that or even just planning a whole new make believe life. I now this won't solve your problems but it might help you get through now.

Take a different path. It's your call.
For every bad person there are 99 good ones.
This is temporary and you had better believe it!

I'm going to bed op, I have a cold and really need it to go. Be kind to yourself, you can get through this.

Are you still there, op? I'll be here for a bit if you need to talk.

December,

I have been where you are - bleak, lost and desperate. I wish I had an easy answer for you, but everybody’s answer is different I suppose. Here’s mine, for what it’s worth. After many years of miserable introspection, wondering why the bad things in my life so utterly outweighed the good, I began to develop a personal existential framework to find an underlying meaning to my life. Many more years later, after a lot of reading about human psychology, neuroscience, mathematics, Information Theory and such and I came to the following set of ideas. Forgive the pseudo-spiritualist language (am actually pretty materialist in philosophy, pretty cynical and don’t even really believe in proper free will).

What I can say is that even though you don’t think this, you are part of something pretty amazing. There is a very real tapestry of intertwining emotions that ties each and every one of us together; information flowing between our brains through channels of language, filled out by our Theory of Mind into emergent systems of mental constructs. Yes, the image this tapestry forms is one of both joy AND suffering, but only because the two are simply different aspects of the same essence. The Human Condition. Can’t (at least for now) have one without the other. Thanks to our empathy and our evolved social inter-dependence, the whole of humanity is woven together through streams of shared feeling and experience. Sometimes those channels of communication pull at us with rusty hooks. But at other times, those cords of thought and love support us and protect us.

There is always beauty (can’t think of a better word) out there, even when all you see is the misery, because beauty is something we humans generate from inside our minds. You will find it right now, even if only in glimpses, and we here sense it in you because that part of you is also part of us. Theory of Mind does that to us, whether we like it or not… and that’s what makes it all worthwhile, because how else would the Universe feel anything at all if it wasn’t for us little humans scurrying around incessantly experiencing things all the time?

There is no God, only people like us gripping desperately onto the hard, steel rod of the animal core that’s buried deep inside us so that we can become more than mere animals. We bare our teeth against the loneliness, confront the black void of space and fill it with colour. All the achievements of art, science and humanitarian compassion are only possible because of what we are. And, thus, because of what you are. Many people who have contributed large patches to the tapestry have done so as they have fought serious mental health problems. Doesn’t mean that you will necessarily achieve anything on the scale of Newton or Dostoyevsky, but your current emotional state will not prevent your life having value in the future (or even now, probably it’s there but you don’t recognise it yet).

I guess what I’m suggesting is a choice: choose to stay here, to not give in, and to fight your darkness and so add your own personal patch to the tapestry – you would not be the first, and will not be the last, to win the battle even when it seems hopeless. The practical stuff you need to do to fix things is all there in your head, or just out there, waiting for you to find it. You just need to let it come together, once you know why you should bother. It’s always going to be hard, but it really is going to be worth doing. But I think you already kinda know this?

Good luck! I won, and so can you.

DD, everyone makes a mark upon the earth. You say that your family would find it easier if you were gone. Even if what you say is true (which is debatable but for another discussion), they wouldn't find it better.
Hitting the lowest point is when things can get better, and indeed must. Just be patient. Just keep going. Make a deal with yourself for another day, another week, another month. This is a really shit time but in a year you will look back and see a change. In two years a greater change. I promise you that one day you will look back at where you are now and not recognise your life. Don't give up on yourself. How eloquent you are, how intelligent, how considered, how mindful of the needs of others, how sharing. The world would be a worse place without you. Mumsnet would be a worse place without you. Please stay.

How are you this morning?

OP

Social isolation, an uncaring family and mental illness are difficult things to have to cope with and can be soul destroying as I know from experience. I was pleased to see that MN intervened on this thread and I sincerely hope you get the help and support you need and deserve.

Thinking of you this morning DD

Another one here wondering how you are this morning. Come and talk to us. There's always someone here on Mn.

I can't offer much help, but I have felt slightly how you feel at the moment. And hey, I must be looking at the posts in Mental Health for a reason? I just want to say that although obviously you love your family and they love you, you must do what's best for you and try not to keep thinking about them not visiting you etc. I know it's hard to find things to fill your time with at the minute, but there are lots you can do if and when you feel up to it. I work in a gym and have seen how uplifted people are once they have visited the centre either for a swim, or an exercise class. If you go alone you are sure to chat to other people similar to your age, or the elderly are always very chatty and friendly too! If excersize isn't your thing, how about any coffee mornings? Failing all of this why not try calling the Samaritans, I've never called them myself but they can offer help over the phone. Giving you warm hugs and best wishes x

Please let us know you're ok, DevastedD.

Are you ok, OP? Thinking of you.