I have a 7 week old baby and some suicudal thoughts. Is this just rational?

[splendide]

My DS is 7 weeks today and I don't think I can handle being a mum. The sleep deprevation is killing me, I'm feeding him constantly. He had a tongue tie which went undiagnosed until Wednesday just gone. He hasn't gained much weight and is only about 7lbs now. I was hoping things would be better after the tongue tie snip but they aren't.

Anyway I'm having some pretty dark thoughts and I know I should tell the HV or GP but what could they do? It's pretty rational to want out of this situation. Do meds really make any difference? I'll still be a mother who can't feed her child and still having no sleep and still in a situation where ive ruined my life. How are drugs or counselling going to change that?

Those first weeks were dark times for me with ds1. Breastfeeding was hard and D's didn't regain his birth weight after jaundice in the hospital for 6 weeks. I started giving him one bottle a day. Ds started to gain weight and I managed to breast feed for 14 months.

You are doing a great job, if you breastfeed or not. It is really, really hard when your baby is tiny. It gets so much better. Do seek help with depression, there is help out there.

Why are you expressing? Because of the tongue tie?
Please ask your bf person about it, I agree with pp, those things are vile. Expressing never gets the same amount as your baby would be, your baby's sucking stimulates the supply, so getting him to latch on properly and drinking is vital.
So you had 8 weeks of trying to get bf on track without much sleep. Get all the help you can!

I've been trying to express some in the morning to give him a bit extra in the evening when I'm unable to fill him up. Also with some vague hope of getting a couple of hours off some time.

I would suggest a bottle in the evening. You need rest and sleep. If he goes for longer through the night with a bottle, then that's a good solution. It won't mean you stop breastfeeding. Once he gets a bit stronger and goes for longer between feeds, you can drop that bottle again.

I was on my knees by the time DS was 8 weeks old. Breastfeeding had failed, cup feeding formula was exhausting, I was pumping every 3 hours...

I then started him on a bedtime bottle on the advice of baby cafe midwife. Suddenly I was getting 4 hours sleep every night.

DS is now 8. Honestly, at some point in the future this time will just be a small part of your shared history with your child.

Hope you get the help you need.

Oh splendide I really feel for you. I had similar feeding problems with my daughter and it was awful. By 8 weeks you're so, so tired and it feels like it will never get better. It will get easier, but that's not much help to you right now. Don't feel bad about giving the odd bottle of formula if you need a break, it won't do him any harm. You need some help to get the pnd under control, that will make everything else feel more manageable. See your GP tomorrow and be honest with them, they can get you some help. If you feel suicidal before then, get yourself to a&e.

Another poster PM'd you my little snippet of 'it will get better' earlier as I couldn't get on to MN.

Just catching up with your thread and the bit about not realising how old he is struck a long-forgotten chord with me.

At around weaning age (6 months or 24 weeks) I started to wean DS. Told everyone he was 23 weeks.

Then his dad said "er isn't he 21 weeks"

He was.

I was beyond consolable. I was the shittest mother on the planet. Who doesn't know how old their baby is!?

Well, quite a few people actually. When they are ill and they try to string a thought together but the pieces won't fit.

Everything is fractured, you can't read a book, watch a TV show. You can't hold a thought in your head long enough to know you are making a 'right' decision.

This time last year I was 6 weeks into a course of antidepressants (having resorted to inflicting pain on myself because I was so pathetic and worthless, I deserved it). I only called the doctor because I felt I had nothing else to lose, it was Dr or suicide.

I knew she couldn't help me. I told her so. I told her the tablets wouldn't work, I told her I was a los cause.

As I was BF, she suggested I started on Seroxat (Paroxetine) which is the only AD that doesn't filter through to milk. I refused. She bargained with me.

She said that if I tried 10mg a day and then after 6 weeks I felt no better, I could come off them (with medical assistance).

She wanted me on 20mg but I was so scared of taking them she compromised.

She referred me for counselling too.

6 weeks later I went back to see her. I hadn't started counselling at this point. I told her that I felt better, I could see slightly clearer and I didn't feel quite as lost anymore.

I still felt crap, but I wasn't harming myself and I wasn't quite as depressed as I had been. My anxiety was still quite high.

She asked if I wanted to come off the tablets and I said that I'd quite like to take the higher dose actually.

So I started on 20 mg. Within a week or 2 I felt better - not swinging from chandeliers - but enough to go for a walk, meet up with a friend for coffee.

In January I started one to one Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) and by May I was signed off.

The AD's, therapy, a supportive family and a desire to get well (this came in the latter stages of therapy) helped me get to the stage, 12 months on, where I feel normal
I function normally, I feel OK.

Please see your GP - what have you got to lose?

PND will not beat you, you will win. You just need to arm yourself with a few tools first x

I haven't read the whole thread.

OP if you would please consider co-feeding your son. The MAM bottles and teats are good for this. Buy a bottle of pre made formula and give to the baby before bedtime.

I don't know how often he wakes or how often he sleeps but I bet he is hungry.

I believe that you are suffering from sleep deprivation and you will now understand why it is used as a form of torture in some countries!

Believe me BF is not the be all and end all. At the moment sleep is.

Please don't pressure yourself into breast feeding.

Even if you hate stopping just ff for one or two days.

Expressing really messed me and my bf up. Please, if you do anything suggested in this thread, stop expressing.

Ff tomorrow, and sleep! Then do a top up ff for each bf. There WILL be a difference for the better, I promise.

I haven't read the whole thread and you've had some good advice. I just wanted to say I struggled a LOT in the early weeks with my son. I thought I'd made a mistake, ruined my life, regretted having him. It's hard to think about those feelings now when I love him so much. Earlier in the thread you asked if medication can help - I started Citalopram when he was about 6 weeks old and yes they helped me. That and getting more sleep. Ask everyone around you for practical help so you can rest. Don't feel bad asking, you can repay the favour later. And see your GP tomorrow please. You can and will feel better. I hope you're ok.

Couldn't read and run.

I know you're a giod mum because you're on here and asking for help and your taking on lots of advice. It's so easy for me to see you really really care.

I mixed fed dd, and the flexibility was so liberating!

I think you're incredibly brave.

If you need a break, ask dh to take your baby out of the house so you can sleep properly.

splendide

Go to your nearest 24 hour supermarket now.

Buy some formula, make up six bottles. DH can give them all to your DS.

Give yourself a day off tomorrow.

You can always go back to breastfeeding on Tuesday if you need to or want to. One day will not affect anything long term. Reassess tomorrow evening.

As someone who lost my Mum - I can assure you that your DS would need and miss you every day. Please speak to your DH. Openly - mention suicidal thoughts. Don't brush this under the carpet. Mix feeding sounds like it could give you the perspective and sleep you need. Even if your DS has dairy intolerance or reflux - thats not incompatible with FF.

Just letting you know we're still here

Splendide we're all here to support you, and each other, on MN. But it seems vitally important that you speak to your husband and preferably a health care professional tonight.
You might not think anything will help but there's so much that can be done. Please let us know how you're doing. Sending big hugs.

You sound shattered.
You're your own biggest critic. We all think you're a brilliant mum. So does your ds - and his is the opinion that matters. Mum can't count to 8 on severe sleep deprivation - no big deal!
Look after yourself. X

I'm here. I'm ok, no way to really hurt myself tonight anyway. I'll try to speak to people tomorrow. Tonight will be tough as always but I'll make it to morning I'm sure.

Did you self harm before having your baby?

No

What helped to de stress? Any chance something like it could help
?

Just take it one night and one day at a time. Whoever said was just about survivng at the moment - it really is. To be honest it's like that for all mums of children your son's age whether they've got PND or not. Just get through. You think to yourself "oh my god, what have I done, my life is ruined. I've wrecked our marriage." Etc etc. This baby takes a hell of a lot out of you and gives nothing back. And it seems to just go on and on and you can't see it ever changing. So all you have to do is have little targets. Get through the night and think "yay, we got through another night." Then get through your day. Don't try to be perfect. Don't try and "achieve" anything. Don't aim to do all sorts of things in the house. Then when you go to bed you tell yourself "yay - we got through another day."

Etc etc. I can absolutely promise you that one day, with the help of your HV/GP/family, and just...the passing of time....you'll realise you're no longer in a dark hole and that the nights don't seem so bleak and you do have some fun times in the day and enjoy things like your baby smiling and then laughing.

You can do it, girl! We all speak from experience! Just hang in there and get some help. You'll be ok.

Ok I've nearly done another night haven't I? Eventually it'll be ok won't it?

As everyone else has said, please see your GP and ring Samaritans if you haven't already. It will get better.

Nearly there splendide. You can do it, this is the worst bit.

Yes it will be I promise posting on here is your first step it is hard to reach out

I can not say if you have pnd but do feel you do need to talk to your hv or doctor. The power of just talking can be very therapeutic . Also lack of sleep makes everything seem far far worse. Please do not feel bad if you choose to formula feed I did both for ds, I had to as I had to rest too I needed to look after myself to look after my baby it was the best thing for him and for me

Many of us struggled and/or had terrible dark thoughts I wish I had reached out for help earlier but you know after all this how awful it can seem right now most of us either go on or want to have more children because when it gets better it's just wonderful and it will be very soon