I have a 7 week old baby and some suicudal thoughts. Is this just rational?

[splendide]

My DS is 7 weeks today and I don't think I can handle being a mum. The sleep deprevation is killing me, I'm feeding him constantly. He had a tongue tie which went undiagnosed until Wednesday just gone. He hasn't gained much weight and is only about 7lbs now. I was hoping things would be better after the tongue tie snip but they aren't.

Anyway I'm having some pretty dark thoughts and I know I should tell the HV or GP but what could they do? It's pretty rational to want out of this situation. Do meds really make any difference? I'll still be a mother who can't feed her child and still having no sleep and still in a situation where ive ruined my life. How are drugs or counselling going to change that?

Oh Splendid I do feel for you. I was exactly the same as you, dd1 was tongue tied, and wasn't diagnosed until she was 2 I tried to BF but she found it so difficult and was feeding every hour. I was exhausted. My mum pleaded with me to try bottle feeding as she could see how very near breaking point I was.

I gave in and was so glad I did. Dd took to the bottle easily and that day started going for much longer between feeds. Getting a few hours sleep meant I could function properly.
I won't lie, I felt guilty that I wasnt feeding her myself, but looking back I realise how stupid that was. As long as your baby is well fed and you are both getting some sleep, how you feed your baby is NOT the most important thing.

I do agree with you duplodon, the OP needs to seek medical help, but as Viva says, bottle feeding can mean more sleep, which is always a good thing.

please speak to your HV. You can also self refer to Homestart. Look after yourself. x

Thanks again all, I'm trying so hard to take some advice but it's hard isn't it? I can't think straight.

Darling, if it's too overwhelming, just focus on this: tomorrow, tell the HV or GP you are feeling suicidal. It will immediately ring alarm bells for them and they will start sorting out help.

I've just finished a feature on PND and the thing that absolutely all my interviewees said - and they included a top obstetrician, a psychologist who specialises in PND, an antenatal teacher and a woman who runs an online support group - was that the most important thing was to talk to someone.

OP, that's the nature of it, you cannot think straight. And that's why you need help, because what you are thinking now is something you would never think if you were well. You will get well again.

Please talk to your GP tomorrow. Nobody will judge you. You deserve to feel good again, and that is the first step.

Finding it hard to make a decision about what to do is the one of the symptoms of PND. You can feel like your brain is frozen from trying to work out what to do.

This means, for now, for today, just decide to make one phone call to get help. You can ask your husband to do it if that helps. If you feel like acting on your suicidal thoughts at any stage, call emergency services. The rest of your problems can be sorted but ask for help first.

As well as speaking to your GP; .i would try formula feeds for a day or two at least to give yourself a much needed break.

I dont think bottle feeding neccesarily means the end of breast feeding either ( as hv claimed)..i switched for a week (due to bleeding).. And then switched back gradually over a week .and been exclusive bf since.. So it is still an option...

I've just realised he's 8 not 7 weeks. That's how shit a mum I am. DH just corrected me.

I've just realised he's 8 not 7 weeks. That's how shit a mum I am

No it isn't. Seriously. I couldn't remember my DCs ages most weeks.

You are tired, so very tired.

Of course you can't thnk straight! You are exhauseted.

OP I felt like you did with my first tongue tied baby - it was hell, he cried and fed and cried incessantly. I was in a lot of pain and I was all alone. I thought it would be better for him if I wasn't around. Just like you I had PND. Mine wasn't diagnosed and was left untreated and yes, it did get a lot better.

Fast forward four years and I had another tongue tied baby and he was snipped immediately. Feeding was hard but I felt fine, quite elated if nything, and it was only then I realised what had happened first time round and what an utter utter bastard PND is.

Here's what can help:

1/ handing your baby to someone else. Preferably get them to take them for a nice walk whist you rest. You might be too wired to actually sleep but don't worry too much. Rest of any type is essential. You can't think straight when you have had no sleep.

2/ Formula. Really. I am a huge fan of breast feeding, but sometimes it really just work out. Mixed feeding is utterly fabulous and a literal life saver. When DS1 had his tongue tie snipped it was too late for us to EBF and he had to have a massive bottle of formula every day. I used to give it to him at night (before bed and later, a dream feed) and he was a different baby over night. Contented, calm, easy. He slept 7-7 and I could relax. Please please consider this option. If EBF is important to you you can always drop the formula later, your body is amazing and it will adjust.

3/ talking to someone. Anyone! Us. PM me if you like. I've been where you are and I am literally here to tell you it WILL get better.

Your baby needs you. You are his mum. You are his world and rightly so, you are amazing. This is difficult what you are doing, but you WILL get though it and when you do, you will see what an incredible thing it is that you have been doing. Please take care of yourself Splendide xx

darling everything you are posting makes it more clear that you are struggling with PND...

trying to remember things, particularly numbers, can be almost impossible because when you have depression your brain doesn't work the way it usually does

inability to make a decision - when I had ordinary depression (nothing like as tough as PND) I spent a whole afternoon trying to decide whether I wanted a cup of tea or not, and eventually I even forgot what I was trying to decide

and it's also very clear that you aren't a shit mum because you are beating yourself up about not being able to sort things out (because of the PND). If you were a shit mum you either wouldn't notice things aren't great, or you wouldn't care.

You are a mum who needs some help, that's all. Like nearly every mum on here at one time or another. Tomorrow is the time to get some help, so get your husband to ring the doctor first thing and get you an emergency appointment.

xxx

I am coming round to thinking a bottle might help then. I guess I could try and if he reacts very badly then not give another. How much did you give Shocking?

Pah, 7 weeks - 8 weeks, it all blurs into one doesn't it? That doesn't make you a shit Mum, not even the tiniest little bit. The decisions you've made aren't shit either, they just haven't had the result you desired. Also 8 weeks is still early in the life of a baby. I remember everyone told me things would get miraculously better at 6 weeks. It didn't. 7-8 weeks was awful as I was sure I was doing it all wrong because it wasn't getting better. In the end it wasn't until until 12-14 weeks that I came out of the woods and was able to lift my head. It wash';t all plain sailing after that, but it did get better/easier.

Now, I'm not sure what's going on with your little one, but it sounds like there may be something there? It's not usual for a baby to be feeding every hour for all of the first 8 weeks of his life. By now he should be moving toward 2 -3hrly feeds at least (growth spurts and evening cluster feeds excluded). It's great that you have a lactation consultant coming tomorrow, and given that she's coming & you're keen to continue to breastfeed if you can, I'd suggest waiting until she's been before you make any decisions about anything to do with changing your feeding pattern. It may well be that she suggests to provide some top-up formula feeds for a while, and this may be helpful to you. Remember there are two people whose health you have to take care of - baby is just one of them, you are the other. All the breastfeeding in the world isn't worth sacrificing your mental health for - your baby won't thank you for it believe me. Balance in all things.

I agree too with the posters who have suggested that you may be experiencing postnatal depression, and join them in urging you to seek some professional help/advice about it. You sound like you are in a dark place with it all at the moment splendide, but help is out there. It doesn't need to be like this, and it won't continue like this - everything passes, even if you do nothing, this will pass. You and baby will adjust and things will improve. However I wouldn't recommend doing nothing, I would recommend spying the process by speaking to your health visitor first thing tomorrow - urgently. If you can't, you don't have the words, or you can't be coherent, or you just can't then get your partner to do it. He (she?) must be worried to death, and will surely be glad to have some outside expert input?

Try after a feed for a start, see how much your baby takes. Seems to work well for a first feed.

I mix fed my first with tongue tie from nine days (didn't have PND with him) and I continued to breast feed him through until well over a year, supplemented an ounce after feeds if he seemed hungry. He didn't sleep better but if I was so tired I couldn't see straight dh could help.

Oh you poor thing! Look, if you had a physical illness or medical problem that meant you had to go into hospital and be separated from your baby, your baby would be given formula and would be JUST FINE. Honestly, I promise. You need to prioritise your own health just now. Do what you need to make YOU feel better. To me the first most urgent thing is that you need a good long bit of sleep. To achieve that a couple of bottles of formula would do. Even if it's just for a couple of nights. The most important thing is, DO NOT beat yourself up about giving a bit of formula. It exists to nourish babies and keep them satisfied and healthy. And it does that really well.

Once you have slept for a decent while you can talk to your GP or HV tomorrow. They need to know how bad you are feeling to be able to support you properly.

After that you can make some decisions about feeding long term. I really wouldn't make getting bf sorted a priority. You're not well enough at the moment to be worrying about incidentals like that. And it really is an incidental. Do you know which of your friends or colleagues were formula fed or breast fed? No. Because in the end your child will grow up happy and healthy however they were fed and no-one including the child will know the difference.

You CAN get through this. You can. You just need a plan of action and to let your nearest and dearest know that you need their support.

Splendide - we were talking the other day.
Please hang in there. I think about you often. We're in it together!
I'm on fluoxetine and at almost 3 weeks now I think it's starting to work. I admitted everything to my HV and I'm getting counselling starting on the 30th.
Please don't keep it in - talk to someone tomorrow.
Just think, this time next year you'll have a one test old pulling all the baubles off the tree and all this will be a distant memory. That's what's keeping me going!
By Easter, your baby might be weaned. By summer, they might be crawling.
Just keep thinking if all there is to come- it's all good I promise. I've done it once, I can do it again and so can you xxxx

And with regard to feeding - my lovely community midwife and HV TOLD me to bottle feed and I'm grateful they did.
Do what's best for you for now.
You will get through it. I'm here with you x

splendid a big bottle! It was a long time ago and I can't remember how big but it seemed massive at the time. Maybe 200ml or something. He was 13 weeks old and I'd seen 3 different paediatricians by that point and they all told me to put him on formula. In the end I had to, because he was getting so skinny he was failing to thrive .

He glugged that first bottle and seemed so happy and grateful for it I cried. I felt awful for starving him for so long (still do) but a week later he was chubby as anything and now at 5 he's a happy healthy boy who's literally never really been sick in his life (apart from that one time last year when he chucked up all over my duvet ). We continued breast feeding during the day until he was 13 months and I've become a bit of an expert on tongue ties now. Basically my advice to anyone in your position (and out of my own social circle alone there have been several. It's really common!): feed your baby. You've done brilliantly to feed for 7 weeks and if you continue he'll be stocked up on antibodies and still have all that wonderful bonding closeness, but with an extra bottle he'll be full. You'll also be able to hand your other half / Grandma some formula and the baby and sleep.. Seriously wonderful. I promise you won't know yourself after a nights sleep.

Do check in with the GP / HP as well tomorrow though, they are there to help. Tell them what you need.

Also are you expressing? That almost killed me, seriously. Forget expressing for now if you are. Just concentrate on resting. It's way more important.

I am expressing. It's all too much you're right.

One day at a time though I guess.

I felt when my son was born that survival and recovery was all that mattered. I never strove to be perfect.
You must see a doctor for help it doesn't matter if you can't breast feed. Survival is. All that matters.

Oh you poor thing. Are you a five-years-ago-weird-timeshift me? Please please back away from the pump. Pumping is the work of the devil. Unless you are going back to work tomorrow, put it away at the back of the drawer and use the time between feeds to rest. Pumping IMO messes with your brain. You will feel like you need to pump whenever you have some down time (you don't), you spend way too long obsessing over how much you are (or aren't) producing and will be washing bottles and sterilising when you should be cuddled up on the sofa with DP/DS/a boxed set. I say this as someone who's currently feeding a 17 month old. He's never had a bottle in his life and it's done him no harm at all. You are not a milk cow. You are a human. Do yourself a massive favour and throw that thing in the bin!

I don't have any experience of PND and you've already had some great advice on here but just wanted to say for us DD got harder and harder until 7 weeks and then things just started to click into place and improved week by week. She was a big baby so it may take slightly longer for you but this first bit really is tough - the sleep deprivation alone is awful. My DD is now 5 months and the most hilarious, entertaining little thing. It gets so much better.