I have a 7 week old baby and some suicudal thoughts. Is this just rational?

[splendide]

My DS is 7 weeks today and I don't think I can handle being a mum. The sleep deprevation is killing me, I'm feeding him constantly. He had a tongue tie which went undiagnosed until Wednesday just gone. He hasn't gained much weight and is only about 7lbs now. I was hoping things would be better after the tongue tie snip but they aren't.

Anyway I'm having some pretty dark thoughts and I know I should tell the HV or GP but what could they do? It's pretty rational to want out of this situation. Do meds really make any difference? I'll still be a mother who can't feed her child and still having no sleep and still in a situation where ive ruined my life. How are drugs or counselling going to change that?

Yes the tt isn't as instantaneous cure because lo will not have developed eating habits at the normal rate/ your supply will have been affected.

You need to speak to someone urgently. it's bloody hard having a new baby and things will get easier.

In terms of feeding dont feel pressurised to give up bfing if it's important to you, how you feed your baby has to be your decision. But remember you dont have to bf if you are hating it (i ff both of mine after 2 weeks btw )

Just wanted to say that my DD is almost 8 weeks old, Have had lots of BF issues (she had TT snipped at 1 and 5 weeks) and she is a crap sleeper. It's hellish at times. Had to relearn how to feed after each snip, but it did get better.

I'm only managing to get sleep because I have either my DH or DM with me 24/7. I keep holding onto the thought that everyone says it gets better (she won't be BF and not sleeping forever!)...

However, my DD has gained weight well despite the feeding issues. I don't know why, just luck I suppose? I would seriously consider some formula alongside the BFing in your situation. Give yourself a break. It's hard. Really hard. I've often thought "what the hell gave I done, my life was so simple before?!" But I do not feel suicidal. Pease get some support

@splendide

Sorry Dawn. Didn't mean to do anything wrong.

Don't worry at all, OP, you've done nothing wrong! We just have a few guidelines we have to follow in cases where suicide is mentioned.

Please do listen to all the good advice being given on this thread. We completely empathise with what you're going through.

I'd say its common but that doesn't make it rational. Please please speak to your HV and or GP.
It might feel relentless at the moment but it will get better, it really really will.

You didn't do anything wrong Splendide. It's just the new protocol kicking in.

I'm not sure I agree with your reasoning re. the formula. Babies can feed to sleep with a bottle, you just have to be careful about choosing a teat and removing the teat promptly from their mouths once they drop off. If bf is a big part of your misery, i'd do it. It would free you from the responsibility of every night feed and allow you some extra sleep too.

You do NOT have to be a perfect maternal archetype. You just need to get through with everyone as healthy and happy as possible

I don't think I can get through though. I just can't, I've tried really hard.

It isn't getting better yet, but it will - you are only seven weeks into this.

Who divided your DD's tongue tie? NHS or a private consultant? Are they able to offer after-support for this at all?

splendide who is with you now? have you told them how you are feeling?

Lots of women feel like you, the ones who go to the gp and get medication start to feel better very quickly.
Most women don't feel as bad as you, that is because you have a post natal illness that needs treatment.
The gp is the only course of action here.

You need to speak to your GP Splendide.

It sounds like possible PND.

You don't need to feel this bad.

Are you ok?

I don't think I can get through though. I just can't, I've tried really hard.....

splendide nobody's thinking that you haven't tried, and I'm sure you have - but however hard you try, this is something that you can't get through on your own. And that's in no way any sort of failure on your part. Your hormones are totally out of whack after the birth, and some women suffer it more than others. You happen to be one of those who suffers badly. Add to that the tongue tie and the tiredness, the way you feel is understandable.

But accept that you're ill. Your hormones and your neurotransmitters are out of balance. If you had a physical illness and felt this crappy you'd be off to the doctors, and you'd expect that they'd be able to do something to make you feel better. And they can with this, whether it's medication or counselling or both.

Please talk to someone. Ring the Samaritans, talk to those around you. Accept that you need other people to help you through this.

It can and will be got through, but not on your own.

Thanks guys. I'm not alone and not in any immediate danger to be clear. I'll try to take on board what you're saying.

Do you have a husband, partner, mum, sister, friend around right now?

My husband is here

Splendide, the meds help by increasing your happy chemicals in your brain (not very technical).

When dd was little and it felt like all I was doing was feeding her was give her a feed about 9pm and then go to bed leaving her downstairs with dh. He would settle her/put her off her next feed for as long as he could. Maybe midnight/1am. So I knew I'd get maybe 4 hours unbroken sleep.....and it was better sleep as I wasn't listening for her. Can your dh do this?

Diabetes is a good analogy, I think.

Viva, that sounds amazing but no, DS feeds every hour or so. I just tried to go upstairs for a while leaving him with DH but he was screaming by the time I got into bed.

I do genuinely wish I was dead. My poor DH is doing his best but there's not much he can do.

Hello Splendide, no need to apologise love, you've not done anything wrong, MN just want to put this somewhere people can offer the most help.

My best friend went through this with her newborn - she got so low she thought she was hearing voices. When she went to the doctors they said it was a combination of exhaustion and hormones which can challenge the mental health of new mums. In case it helps, before the baby she was one of the most confident and able women I know - it was just that the pressures of having a newborn got to her in ways she never expected.

She was advised to give up on bf and to go over to a bottle, because if baby feeds well and you get some sleep you will both feel better; you have done your absolute best trying to ebf, but now is the time to cut yourself some slack. I know it's difficult to make decisions when you are so tired, but it worked for her so I think it would be worth a try.

And as well as thinking about the baby, you need to think about you - medication really, really does help with this kind of thing; my friend was a different woman within 24 hours, nearly back to her old self and wondering how she could have been talking about ending it all. As others have said if you feel really bad before you can get to the doctors then give Samaritans a ring - they are absolutely amazing when you need them.

I really hope you have some RL help, and do you think you could let us know when you've been to the doctors, it would make my Christmas knowing you'd got some help rather than keep struggling with this? xxx

My advice would be to formula feed. It really isn't worth you feeling like this.

You could try things like cranial osteopathy or cutting stuff out your diet such as dairy and if you weren't feeling so low then yes I'd say try that.

But you need to prioritise your health for your sake and your baby's sake.

Send dh out to buy some formula and bottles and don't beat yourself up over it. And I say this as someone who bf dd for over a year. So I'm certainly not against breastfeeding.

It's so hard at first but it does get better. Please believe me.

Have you tried giving your DS a dummy - he may just want to suck, not to feed, so frequently.

Can your mum look after you whilst DH takes DS for a walk?

Seconds Viva. You can keep bf but some formula would give you a break and a chance to sleep.

As I expect you know babies will feed often (especially at night) to up your supply. Also your smell, taste etc are the most familiar and comforting thing to them so they want to be close to you. As much as you might understandabley want some space, we have evolved so that our babies have a survival instinct to stay near their carer as they are so vulnerable.

If your dh can't keep him distracted, get him to do as much work as possible. You go to bed early, dressed really warmly. Get dh to bring ds to you when he starts to struggle and sit in the room with you so you aren't in charge of ds' safety. If you can feed lying down, fab you can doze, if not, get as comfy as you can and feed. Then dh takes him, changes, winds, wears in a sling etc until the next time.

Prioritise rest over everything. There is a great La Leche League mantra - Don't stand when you can sit, don't sit when you can lie down, don't have your eyes open when you can close them.

I didn't feel better overnight but slowly things improved and improved, probably thanks to a lots of different things. Try everything you can.

I know you have tried really hard. Some babies are very hard to look after for one reason or another. You can do this. I hope this doesn't sound cruel but you don't have any choice, children need their parents so you have to get through this.

I'm so sorry your feeling like this. You have my absolute sympathy. Sleep deprevation is absolute torture and it almost destroyed me when ds was little. I remember when he got to about 5-6 weeks old and the adrenaline and excitement of having a newborn had worn off and dp was back at work, that's when I found it the hardest.
I absolutely promise you it gets better. I know at the minute when your so tired you just want to give up, it really seems like there's no way out but there is. There's so so much support out there.
Keep talking to us here on mn. We've all been through it and we've all come out the other side. You can too.

Hi splendide

Sorry you are feeling like this. I know it doesn't feel like there is anyway out at the moment but it does get better.

Dd had severe reflux when born and this coupled with extreme sleep deprivation made think the same thoughts, even holding a knife to my wrist.

I knew I needed to speak to someone but thought they'd take her off me/lock me up. I spoke to my doctor and she was great. Really helpful and offered me meds and counselling, I chose counselling and it has been amazing.

Dd is four now and i have a Ds as well, and I am so glad I spoke to someone. It's not normal to feel like that but I think doctors see it time and time again,