Bollockybollockybollocky HTT

[EnpoTree]

Basically I have to take bloody diazepam three times a day and be visited by HTT every day and even then the nurse reckons it's 50/50 if I'll need to go into hospital or not. This has gone too far. I'm absobloodylutely sodding fine and visited the drop-in as I was worried I was going to become not-fine and wanted to know how to stop DP worrying unnecessarily after having spoken to CMHT as I was referred from GP as I wanted to avoid becoming depressed and how to maintain my current good humour and general sparkling and effervescent nature. The lesson apparently being that being responsible and proactive with your mental health gets you accused of poor insight and told to take drugs on pain of hospital admission.

She's really fucking scared me. I will not go into hospital. So to avoid it I have to swallow pills that make me slow and stupid and sleepy even though I am totally happy with the way I am now and it's everyone else who doesn't like it. Maybe its everyone else who needs bloody medicating.

I hate this so much. I know its a bad idea to get involved in MH services. So why do I ever go back?

Basically spend my entire life ashamed.

It is mainly the largely unacknowledged metabolic effects I need to avoid, though.

:( that sounds like a horrible and isolating way to feel

shame is so destructive and not even called for here!

you don't have to accept a diagnosis or treatment you genuinely don't find useful - if there are other explanations for your difficulties that make more sense to you, which lead to other solutions then you're free to adopt them

I might have the diagnosis but it's a fraction of what actually ails me I think, life events and some of my personality traits cause plenty of problems and there are no drugs for those unfortunately

I don't mind the diagnosis so much (I just need to get rid of this false personality disorder label I've picked up somehow - yes, I know everyone disputes it, but it's genuinely wrong - it was inflicted on me when I was 15 and acutely bonkers and no amount of being normal when relatively well is enough to get it expunged) - it's the drugs I won't take.

people shouldn't be diagnosed with a PD until they are 18

that wasn't fair

The endocannabinoid and cannabis thing, for example - my family members could discuss, from a professional or at least an educated point of view, everything from the biochemistry to the medical to the legal to the medical research, getting loud and shouty but basically ten times more interesting and informed than any TV panel debate I've ever seen (and all the better for not having one of the obligatory C of E clergymen sitting there interjecting with inanities and banalities). Over Christmas dinner. It's great fun - if you can keep up. On some drugs I can't even do the countdown conundrum.

Mitch, that was possibly the least bad thing they did to me there. Over a decade later my shoulders still have the damage from the multiple weekly face-down restraints, where they would twist my arms up behind my back whenever I moved as the pain would make me go limp. And u know now the Haldol they would inject into my bare are in front of all the other patients after pulling my pants down was doing literal, permanent brain damage. I hate that place and what they did to me. And on weekend leave, when I eventually got it, I would run away from home to go back as I couldnt handle the freedom and lack of abuse.

This was 21sr century Britain, BTW. Do you see why I mistrust psychiatry?

I know now. Not "u"

And also arse, not are. Sorry, I forgot to check my post.

This is why I can't cope with the idea of hospital admission. I know it's not like that here (have had two admissions to adult wards since) but just being in one of those places makes me feel like I'm 15 and being sat on by three nurses again, for having looked as though I might be planning to self-harm.

Ack, just talking about it is suffocating.

Oh dear, my head. Shouldn't have opened the port

Oh no, port is the worst.

Did you at least pass it the right way?

See, if you'd got stoned instead, you'd feel fine now. Peckish, but fine.

those experiences are hard to get over, I'm sorry you went through that and can identify with a lot of it

am astonished at how well I slept and how ok I feel today after my experiment! I only have about half the normal dose of illicits (only have half a brain, so more of a structural than chemical imbalance) but I had the best sleep I've had in a long long long time, six uninterrupted hours, perfect!

(I can't do cannabis. I can, but only if I want to completely decompensate at some point)

Mmm, cannabis seems to be one if the drugs with the most diversr set of reactions.

Glad you feel so well today, but I'm surprised you slept at all on that lot! 6 hours is great; think i got nearly that too.

It's got to be tricky working out how to dose with an unusual brain architecture

I was reading a thing 'can schizophrenia be prevented' and all it seemed to come up with was cannabis and birth trauma. The cannabis was definitely dose dependent, so heavy chronic use. Although I think it said fish oils in the prodrome/at risk state were better than placebo at halting the transition to psychosis.

Am a bit scared of cannabis tbh

I'm a real scaredy cat when it comes to illicit drugs. I see what they do to some of my patients and it makes me want to run a mile. Given that I'm slightly insane at the best of times it's probably no bad thing.

Hope mental is feeling okay - lithium and port is probably a lot worse than LSD and MDMA

I'm ok, had a couple of paracetamol and a gallon of tea.

Oops, xpost.

And I'm sorry to hear you can identify with my experience, Mitch. I wish people in psychiatry would understand that they're expecting people to engage with and trust people who historically have been their abusers, and that they are retraumatising people with every contact.

a psychiatrist told me that shrooms cure manic depression (not in an official 'doing psychiatry on me' capacity, just sort of socially) but I think further research is needed personally

I'm way more scared of alcohol

LSD MDMA and lithium

I think my lithium levels are low, I'm not quite so interested in other substances when they are higher

Alcohol is such a blunt instrument.

I think the worst recreational drug I've taken is butane - I came out of the adolescent unit with a bad habit for it.