Bollockybollockybollocky HTT

[EnpoTree]

Basically I have to take bloody diazepam three times a day and be visited by HTT every day and even then the nurse reckons it's 50/50 if I'll need to go into hospital or not. This has gone too far. I'm absobloodylutely sodding fine and visited the drop-in as I was worried I was going to become not-fine and wanted to know how to stop DP worrying unnecessarily after having spoken to CMHT as I was referred from GP as I wanted to avoid becoming depressed and how to maintain my current good humour and general sparkling and effervescent nature. The lesson apparently being that being responsible and proactive with your mental health gets you accused of poor insight and told to take drugs on pain of hospital admission.

She's really fucking scared me. I will not go into hospital. So to avoid it I have to swallow pills that make me slow and stupid and sleepy even though I am totally happy with the way I am now and it's everyone else who doesn't like it. Maybe its everyone else who needs bloody medicating.

I hate this so much. I know its a bad idea to get involved in MH services. So why do I ever go back?

This is not like the other times I've considered/attempted suicide. Those were attempts to escape a horrendous pain which I thought would never end.

This time it's a logical response to a combination of diagnoses which will make the rest of my life unliveable in the way in which they interact to make each other untreatable. I will wait until I see the psychiatrist later on this week and if he diagnoses bipolar disorder, then I will permit myself to inflict my death on my poor family. It's such a horrible thing to do to them that I can't do it until I'm sure.

It wouldn't make sense to do it now. For all I know I just have a thyroid complaint.

Might as well go to bed.

Feels good and calm and happy to know I've made the decision, I don't have to do anything right now, and it's out of my hands.

Hang on, hang on.

I'm actually really fucking worried about you now.

The conclusion you've come to, only makes sense because you are not well

Can you see that might be the case?

PLEASE don't worry - as I've said this is not a decision which comes from a pathological mood-state at all as I'm actually not depressed at all - it only kicks in if/when I get an untenable diagnosis later this week. No need for stress.

I do rather hope you've just gone to bed and slept. I'm pretty sure that is what you meant you decided to do.

You're right, you might just have a thyroid complaint. Always worth hanging on to find out, right?

And you do need both a proper diagnosis and the correct medication - which will help you to resolve several of your thought patterns and may also let you see that your DP is probably suffering more from reaction to your state than any form of mental disturbance in his own right. But equally you could be right - he might be depressed too.

and

Please don't worry.

Damn. I always forget the effect this sort of thing can have even when it's perfectly logical. I'm sorry to have upset you Bastard - you're clearly a lovely person.

But it's only logical to you because you ARE in an "altered mood state" - you're just not recognising it because you're in it, iyswim.

Yes, went to bed - was hoping i'd made it clear (especially to MNHQ) that this is NOT a live suicide thread and nothing happens until the 6th.

I just woke up BTW. So sorry for any misunderstanding.

No, don't worry.
But don't be counting down to the 6th either. Things Can Be Done. x

I won't be dwelling on my decision any more. Just going to try and enjoy this high.

And I'm sorry to you too Thumbwitch (always wondered how you got that name - I imagine someone biting into a sarnie with gusto without realising they've inadvertently enclosed an appendage in the bread, and chomping straight through their thumb )

Assuming of course you are indeed TW on a seasonal name change

Don't apologise, just consider, as intelligent and insightful as you are, that you may not be in the best position to make such a permanent decision.

No, I'm waiting until the 6th with my mind open.

Ha, no nothing to do with sandwiches - and everything to do with me having "magic thumbs" - as my therapeutic massage clients used to tell me.

Oh lucky you (and lucky clients!) - I have tiny thumbs (always end up with an inch of thumbflap on otherwise well-fitting gloves) and mine get tired really quickly if I try to massage anyone.

Bet you're AMAZING at thumb wars

Yep!
I have amazing "biceps" on my thumbs too - my glove size actually went up after I'd been working a few years, because of the muscle pad size increase at the base of my thumbs and between thumbs and forefingers.

Thumbzilla

Phone alarm went off to wake me up and scared the bollocks off me (was holding it at the time)

Have you considered Hamwitch?

Hm. DP appears to have been going a little bit over each month without thinking to mention it to me and is now about half a grand in the hole.

Good job I didn't buy that PS4 or the 125cc scooter, isn't it?

It's only overdraft but still. I should probably be pissed off but am more irritated by sexual frustration at the minute.

I wish he would shut the fuck up. It's a constant stream of grunt sigh sneeze yawn sigh sniff snort puff whinge groan.