Bollockybollockybollocky HTT

[EnpoTree]

Basically I have to take bloody diazepam three times a day and be visited by HTT every day and even then the nurse reckons it's 50/50 if I'll need to go into hospital or not. This has gone too far. I'm absobloodylutely sodding fine and visited the drop-in as I was worried I was going to become not-fine and wanted to know how to stop DP worrying unnecessarily after having spoken to CMHT as I was referred from GP as I wanted to avoid becoming depressed and how to maintain my current good humour and general sparkling and effervescent nature. The lesson apparently being that being responsible and proactive with your mental health gets you accused of poor insight and told to take drugs on pain of hospital admission.

She's really fucking scared me. I will not go into hospital. So to avoid it I have to swallow pills that make me slow and stupid and sleepy even though I am totally happy with the way I am now and it's everyone else who doesn't like it. Maybe its everyone else who needs bloody medicating.

I hate this so much. I know its a bad idea to get involved in MH services. So why do I ever go back?

Well there are all those reasons too but my main beef with general practice is the tedium.

Really?

Don't you get bored with the endless stream of depressive/depressive/anxious/depressive/OCD/schizophrenic/depressive/shot life syndrome/depressive/manic/personality disorder/depressive?

Nope, I never get bored. I so get very frustrated at times though.

Mimsy bloody autocorrect.

Fair enough. Glad there are people who can/want to do the job, frankly

I've never met an (NHS) psychiatrist who didn't seem bored or pissed off, TBH. At least, not while they were at work.

Right, I'm off to bed. Try not to stay up all night. It would be a bad thing.

Oh. The common factor here is me, isn't it?

Good night! Sleep well.

The mobile site on Android is so bad that my comment on my being the common factor didn't post until after someone else had. And on iOS it just shuts completely off every so often.

Nooooo, not gonna stay up all night, that would be silly I was just a bit desperate and casting around for ideas for how to stay in a nice normal mood and not get depressed cause the stakes are kind of high for me and even silly ideas start to look like good ones!

The thing about desperation is that it make you do stupid things.

I'm fairly sure that as the HTT are happy for me to not have to see them any more that they don't believe I have bipolar disorder and have accepted that this is my new normal and I can only hope I don't end up with a stigmatising personality disorder diagnosis.

The Witchfinder General is on and I am seeing a LOT of parallels in it!

I'm actually descended from the Pendle witches. And I have a witch's mark too. Spooky

It was all rather sad and seemed to be part of an ongoing feud between families into which the whole witch thing got entangled.

I've been reading a lot about Bipolar II and it all sounds so familiar - atypical depression wih onset in teens, depression with lack of response to antidepressants, family history of mood disorders and bipolar disorder, history of misdiagnosis…

I really hope I don't have that. I really really really hope not.

From Wikipedia: there are certain features that have been shown to increase the chances that depressed patients are suffering from a bipolar disorder including atypical symptoms of depression like hypersomnia and hyperphagia, a family history of bipolar disorder, medication-induced hypomania, recurrent or psychotic depression, antidepressant refractory depression, and early or postpartum depression.

All of that except postpartum, and only because I've never had children (in part because I fear PND as it's so common in my family).

Which would mean it's possible that I am currently hypomanic.

Can't even do manic depression right!

Perhaps personality disorder would be preferable, even if it does mean everyone who sees it on your notes thinks you're a lying manipulative cowbag - the prognosis for bipolar II seems poor at best and that's WITH medications, which I can't take.

Nonononono. I have depression. I am not going to accept bipolar disorder.

Maybe I have a factitious disorder or am malingering and could stop behaving in whatever way it is that is making people think these terrible things about me.

If as seems on further reading it is almost certain that is have BPII then my prognosis is very poor with comorbid DMII as being under thirty I have a very high likelihood of severe complications without the tightest of tight BG control (and will probably experience complications even then), which is just not compatible with a life on mood-stabilisers and antipsychotics, or with depression. I am fucked. Fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked. I already obsess over every foot tingle or numbness. I have no job, no friends, no reason to live except to prevent the suffering of my first-degree relatives and DP. My life expectancy appears to be dire. My risk of complications is so high as to be approaching 1, it seems. I have every reason to kill myself right now. And yet I'm scared. This is pathetic. What do I do?

I can't even describe what I want to do as MN will pull my thread.

Crisis team unhelpful. Home treatment team unhelpful. Fuckbollock.