Bollockybollockybollocky HTT

[EnpoTree]

Basically I have to take bloody diazepam three times a day and be visited by HTT every day and even then the nurse reckons it's 50/50 if I'll need to go into hospital or not. This has gone too far. I'm absobloodylutely sodding fine and visited the drop-in as I was worried I was going to become not-fine and wanted to know how to stop DP worrying unnecessarily after having spoken to CMHT as I was referred from GP as I wanted to avoid becoming depressed and how to maintain my current good humour and general sparkling and effervescent nature. The lesson apparently being that being responsible and proactive with your mental health gets you accused of poor insight and told to take drugs on pain of hospital admission.

She's really fucking scared me. I will not go into hospital. So to avoid it I have to swallow pills that make me slow and stupid and sleepy even though I am totally happy with the way I am now and it's everyone else who doesn't like it. Maybe its everyone else who needs bloody medicating.

I hate this so much. I know its a bad idea to get involved in MH services. So why do I ever go back?

Oddest thing is, I still feel agitated, but now tired and suicidal with it.

I hope nobody minds if I keep posting here. TBH I assume or at least hope that anyone who is vulnerable stopped reading this thread several hours ago and am now operating on the assumption that nobody could possibly be bothering to read all this blebble.

I'm reading! Not sure what to say to be honest, you have so much going on. But am reading and supporting in the way only an internet stranger can :)

Anyway this probably proves I am justva fuckwit with a defective personality as there is no way I could possibly describe myself as hypomanic now.

Eek. Hello Yoni! I hope I haven't annoyed or distressed you in any way.

But thank you so much for reading my awful posts.

I need to stay awake all night tonight to try and push back into the clear state (according to MH servives this is fairly effective) so I'll probably be posting on here a lot - nobody needs to read it if they don't want though

Plrase note this thread does not contain: "clear statements of intent ('I am going to kill myself'), suicide notes, 'live' suicide threads. ('I have taken an overdose and am waiting for it to take effect'), or anything that involves a description of methods".

Please don't remove my thread!

Dude you haven't annoyed/distressed me at all! Not sure about the staying awake all night business though. When I do that it usually makes my brain go a bit funny, would a good nights sleep be out of the question for you?

Thanks, that's good to hear. I have to try and sleep as little as possible as I have been told this will push my mood up (and it worked a couple of weeks ago).

What's the plan then? Have you got any good films to watch or books to read? Personally I love bbc1 on a Friday night at the moment, although I'm always asleep by the end of Graham Norton

Films sounds like a good idea, actually. Maybe I'll push to 3/4am and set the alwrm for eight then if I do fall asleep, at least its not disastrous lengths of time.

Off to gym!

Hi, I'm reading too, but I'm away and the internet is a bit hit and miss, I haven't been able to find any 'out' today, just booked into an Inn for the night, fortunately they had a room so I didn't have to use the stable... Oh, no baby either! thank fuck

I haven't been on any of the drugs you have, part if me is very relieved and part of me feels I'm missing out on something... So, I have no idea what is what or what any of them are doing to you?!

I'm sorry you considered/planned/intended to OD last night and very pleased you didn't.

I don't talk about it much on here as it's something I feel quite private about, but I have diabetes too. My HbA1c is controlled if I low carb, but I have fallen off the wagon most spectacularly & I'm not exercising at all enough. I am really put to shame by how well you are doing with food & going to the gym, all while coping with the rest if this shit as well! I can't even scare myself into it right now... WTAF is wrong with me?!

Re the HTT & what you need... They seem to be scaring you & stressing you out, which is awful :(. But it's clear to us reading your posts that you do need help and certainly appear to need something to balance you out. Is there any way to get the help you need from someone you trust?

You say you are fine, but you really aren't. You are up & down more than hookers knickers Santa's sleigh on Christmas Eve...

Is there anything anyone can do that would help you?

I often have nights where I don't sleep at all, but I never do it on purpose, it just happens.

Trying to stay awake is horrible and I don't really understand how it would help?

Enpo you and I both know that staying up all night is a bad idea. Please don't do it.

Okay, I see your point, both of ypi, but it's likely that now I've fully eliminated he clonazepam poisoning my brain I will not be sleeping a lot anyway - I feel so much better and suspect 99% of the apparent lability of mood over the last few days way entirely attributable to the brnzodiazepines prescribed albeit in good faith by doctors who were aiming to lower a mood hicj although it may have looked unnaturally high was actually perfectly maintainable and normal and is now (praise great Allahbot itself) back without the nasty dirty benzo low pervading and invading it

And you're right, some sleep is necessary.

I meant "which" earlier.

BBL,need to run home.

This is so much better! I'm so glad I didn't kill nnyself last night.

And Grin I feelhonourd you have chosen to mention your diabetes and will post more on that topic later when I get home

Wooooo! Runner's high Ran home after brutal workout with only a short walk in the middle - am on week three of zombies run 5k and haven't worked up to more than a minute solid running yet but pretty sure I just did six or seven minutes straight, twice, with a walk in the middle, and am back to normal and have finally got rid of those filthy drugs

I'm sorry, did I really just hear that? Just saw a trailer for a film called Ouija, except the announcer called it Weegie

Grin, I am also usually very private about my diabetes too as for some ridiculous reason I feel ashamed of it, despite not thinking anything bad of anyone else who is unfortunate enough to have it. It's only under this new identity where nobody knows me that I've been able to admit it and also I have been diagnosed less than a year and it's ibly just starting to feel really really lifelong-real to me which is probably partly why I am still in the LETSDEALWITHTHISAGGRESSIVELYANDICANAVOIDCOMPLICATIONSANDEVENREVERSETHIS stage, once of course I passed the screaming weeping mylifeisoverimightaswellkillmyselfnow phase!

Grin, I don't know how recently you were diagnosed but have you done DESMOND? and if do did you find it frustrating?

I currently have an hba1c which stays more or less in the low 30s, down from a high when diagnosed of 73, but I struggle to keep my LDL and triglycerides within the range acceptable for diabetics, but I have been told by my personal physician (family member who used to be a GP) that this is less important than my hba1c as I am young and have a low BP

Grin trying to scare yourself is cruel; nobody should be so cruel to a diabetic as to threaten them with complications f they don't follow the rules; I would tell you with love that you deserve lovely things (and also you can eat pork scratchings on a low GL diet and that peanuts are really good for you and nobody should DARE try to scare you, not even you!