Bollockybollockybollocky HTT

[EnpoTree]

Basically I have to take bloody diazepam three times a day and be visited by HTT every day and even then the nurse reckons it's 50/50 if I'll need to go into hospital or not. This has gone too far. I'm absobloodylutely sodding fine and visited the drop-in as I was worried I was going to become not-fine and wanted to know how to stop DP worrying unnecessarily after having spoken to CMHT as I was referred from GP as I wanted to avoid becoming depressed and how to maintain my current good humour and general sparkling and effervescent nature. The lesson apparently being that being responsible and proactive with your mental health gets you accused of poor insight and told to take drugs on pain of hospital admission.

She's really fucking scared me. I will not go into hospital. So to avoid it I have to swallow pills that make me slow and stupid and sleepy even though I am totally happy with the way I am now and it's everyone else who doesn't like it. Maybe its everyone else who needs bloody medicating.

I hate this so much. I know its a bad idea to get involved in MH services. So why do I ever go back?

Oh and lots of period blood.

I may need an STD screen.

On the up side, I'm alive today, whic is not what I expected last night (I was planning a codeine/benzo overdose but chickened out after the anti-emetic and anti-histamine pre-dose).

Think I'm feeling pretty up now. Mornings are always a bit crap TBH. If I'm normal, mornings are low, and if I'm high, mornings are normal, and if I'm low, mornings don't exost as I sleep through them

Anyway I have plenty of anti-emetics and antihistamines left should I want to try again.

Sudden thought: prochlorperazine is an antipsychotic as well as an anti-emetic, isn't it? I wonder if I should stick to the metoclopramide only.

I don't understad what the home treatment team are for. I wish they would go away. I'm fine. But if I tell then I don't want then to come any more, I'm worried they'll lock me away.

Although I suppose if a tiny dose of prochlorperazine is enough to put me off, it shows I was ambivalent in the first place.

I'm writing pages and pages of this stuff at the moment but as nobody wants to read it and apparently nobody can read it, I'm typing here. If anyone is reading please don't feel you have to as its all just a compulsion as the text in my head needs to come out as I essentially hunk in text and translating it onto the page or screen means o have less translation to do that speaking it and with the speed I speak at the moment it's very hard to translate that fast.

Essentially think

But at least there's nohing pathological about writing and hey can't insist I take medication for that

Hoping to score some phenelzine to have in in case of emergencies or possibly ketamine.

Feeling SO MUCH BETTER now the morning "blech" has gone and I can PROVE to anyone who cares to ask that I don't have hypomania because in the mornings I'm not agitated at all.

And since nobody can prove that there's anything wrong with me and nobody can prove in a risk to anyone there's no way anyone can lock me away.

Does anyone with any experience of the home treatment team know how long it takes to get off this level of supervision? I feel like I'm being visited by a parole officer.

Basically I've done nothing wrong so I'm not sure why I'm having to walk on eggshells around people who are employed to check on me every day and have the ability to take my freedom from me. They're scary and I just want them to go away but am scared if I say so they'll ramp up the intrusion into my life.

Does anyone know if I ask them to leave me alone if they will do that or if they will do the opposite?

Also they seem to be now sending around large muscly guys rather than nice normal middle-aged women and I'm worried that they're working up to declaring me a threat.

Just tried calling CMHT again to try and work out what the hell is going on and how to step down to normality.

WHY WILL NOBODY IN MENTAL HEALTH COMMUNICATE PROPERLY WITH ME? I've finally managed to get them to commit to ringing me in the morning and turning up at the prearranged time but that was a struggle.

Still trying to get a discharge here.

Just slept another hour what the hell have they done to me?

Before I fell asleep I managed to extract the fact that I do t have a care coordinator that HTT can hand over to so they can't discharge me,and have got HTT to agree not to visit over the weekend. I'm so tired and I just want to cry. Don't know why they make this so hard.

And now I have to go to the gym. Fuckbollock.

DP just asked me how I was feeling about going to the gym. I told him, not very good. Turns out what he meant was did I want to go or not, and when would I like to go. Why cannot people say what they mean and mean what they say?

Why is is that a week ago I was raring to go to the gym and get healthy and feel the bloodenergy pumping, and now it feels like a chore imposed on me by my iatrogenic metabolic disorder which I do only to stave off blindness and amputation for as many years as possible?

I can't get depressed again. I really can't. I absolutely don't have the strength to do that. My parents, sibling, and DP will be sad if I kill myself, but they will understand that I can't do this again. They're not as selfish as I am. They will understand. I don't have children (praise Implanon) so no worries there. I don't have any significant assets, responsibilities, or dependents.

MNHQ, this is NOT a suicide note, live suicide thread, death threat, or anything along those lines. I am NOT going to kill myself live on the internet and would really appreciate your not deleting this thread.