I'm struggling to think of reasons not to die.

[littlegingercat]

The title sounds so melodramatic, but I really can't think of anything.

My life is completely and utterly pointless. I am unemployed, with literally zero job prospects. I have no friends. I am not close to my family. No-one would miss me.

I have crippling anxiety that mostly manifests in agoraphobia and social anxiety. I can't go outside on my own. I can't use the phone. Speaking to people sets off panic attacks and such severe self loathing that I can't see through it. I have self harmed for so many years that my skin is permanently ruined.

I despise literally everything about myself. There is absolutely no point to me being alive. I am trying so hard to just get through each day and hope that things improve, but all I keep thinking is that there's nothing better for me. Things have gradually worsened over the last ten years, and I am so tired and sick of being me.

Things aren't going to get better. I know that. Is there a point to just living when life is barely tolerable? I know this is an unbelievable self-centred post, and I'm not actually expecting anyone to know what to say. This is the only place I can say how I feel without worrying about people judging me, or there being consequences.

We would miss you posting on mumsnet. There's a reason

I hope that didn't sound flippant. I struggle to give good advice on situations like this, though you would think I was better as my mother has bipolar just wanted to reply so you don't feel so alone.

Anything in particular you'd like to talk about?

What would you say is the best thing about you?

When you were a small child, what did you want to be/do/see when you had grown up?
Have you done it yet?
What have you 'always wanted to do'?

Is there anyone you would miss? What do you enjoy?

Is there a point to living? Yes. Even when we don't understand what it is. The fact that you are even trying to find a reason to live means that there IS a reason. I don't know what that reason is for you. But I think with help, you can find it. Please reach out. Call your GP about help. They should be able to help you get a support worker to come to your home.

That's kind of you, Really but I haven't posted on here for months. I've never contributed anything worthwhile to a discussion.

I don't have a best thing about me. That sounds really stupid, right? I remember the PSHE lessons at school, where you'd have to pick your favourite physical and personality aspect about yourself. I could never think of anything, and I just had to copy what other people had said so that I could have something to say.

I used to want to be a doctor. I'm not clever enough for it, though at one point I was able to train to be a nurse. That was ten years ago now, so that won't be happening again. There's nothing that I've always wanted to do. I've never had aims. I am probably the most boring person you've ever come across. I've been more open about my self harm to medical professionals, so I know I wouldn't be accepted onto a course again.

There is no-one I would miss. No-one who would miss me, more importantly. I can't think of anything I enjoy. I do the same things every day; sleep, internet, exercise, food, tv. My life is empty.

Thank you all for listening.

Sorry, Across, x-post. I see a support worker already for the social anxiety/agoraphobia side of things. I don't find her services useful so I intend to stop them this week. I can't call my GP; using the phone is beyond me because I am fundamentally useless.

Time to fill up your life with something!

I don't have lot to do, so I've decided to get a new hobby.

Dunno what, Google will help me decide.

I don't have the energy for hobbies. I don't get out of bed most days. I feel disgusting saying this, but even showering is beyond me a lot of the time. The days I can get up, I clean and exercise. I make grandiose plans to knit, to sew, to learn new languages. I get the materials and they sit unused because even just picking them up is beyond me. I don't even think I'm a person any more.

I was able to train to be a nurse. That was ten years ago now, so that won't be happening again. There's nothing that I've always wanted to do. I've never had aims.

You must have had an aim to start nursing training. And talents and aptitudes and personal qualities

It could happen again at some point when you're ready. Or you could do something else.

I don't even think I'm a person any more.

You sound like a person to me.

I'm sorry that things feel so hard to you.

Your post has really touched me ginger because it describes exactly I was, thankfully a long time ago. I have no cure or fix but the one thing that really genuinely helped me was getting my puppy. Knowing something depended on me made me have to find the strength to get up and go outside to exercise him and when he needed fed and attention it was physical reminders for me to get up and do those things for me too as I was that blank I wouldn't remember to get out off bed and do them for myself otherwise.

Volunteering can be a great way to get out, meet people and to feel you are contributing positively to something which I appreciate might be tough atm with your social anxiety

In the short term you could ring the Samaritans who are fab when you're feeling like this 08457 90 90 90

It's odd, I don't know how this going to sound but you are a person to me. I don't know you from Adam but I want you to live. I really do.

I'm the worlds worst procrastinator, I signed up for a children's writing course online many months ago and haven't even looked at it.

You have interests, even if you haven't yet taken them up. You trained to be a nurse, that takes a lot of drive and determination.

You're lost right now, but you're still there, so hope you can get the right support.

This is going to sound terrible, but I started to train as a nurse because I didn't need A Levels to get on the course (and ok, partly because I was genuinely interested in medicine). Depression hit hard when I was 16, my self harm was ridiculously high and I had the beginnings of an eating disorder. Aiming for something that effectively gave me the next two years off was the best I could hope for.

I had hope when I was 18. I'm 28 now, and I don't have that any more. There is nothing left me for me here.

There are so many terrible things going on the world and I feel so guilty for feeling sorry for myself.

Nursing course admissions tutors aren't daft. They don't let people on their courses for a rest.

Have you had any medical recently?

Tilly, I'm sorry you've felt like this, but glad that you've found something that helped you. Phoning the Samaritans isn't an option for me, I genuinely can't use the phone. I couldn't phone 999 if there was a fire, that's the level of ridiculous that I reach over phone calls.
I know it's stupid, btw.

...any medical help recently?

You're not alone littlegingercat. You are worth it.
See how many of us are rooting for you? We believe in you.
Sometimes we get bogged down with thoughts and things, but there is so much left in life for all of us.

and a few very British hugs for you

Arsenic, I got onto the nursing courses on my GCSE's alone, really. Interviews were just a formality. I wish I had stuck at it, but there were a couple of events in my first year that I couldn't cope with and I left.

I see my GP every few months. I see a support worker weekly, and an OT six-weekly. No-one really asks how I feel. They tick boxes. I say the appropriate things because the thought of hospital terrifies me. I don't trust them enough to be honest.

Please don't believe in me, Hairy. I am just nothing.

I can't stop crying. I made the mistake of looking at the news and seeing that poor man be killed, and I'm here feeling sorry for myself over what? nothing really. Just my own patheticness. There are people in the world with so many real problems and I have none and yet I'm still here self-pitying.

Thank you for the flowers and hugs. I haven't had a hug since about 2010.

It is sad, what's happening in the world right now, and you're sad with the way you're life is right now. There's nothing wrong with that. Just because you're problems are different, doesn't mean they're not as valid.

How about joining an internet support group? Like on daily strength? They really helped me when I was down. I hope you feel better soon. Depression is a terrible illness xxxxx

And in the words of the Geordie Goddess Cheryl Daftiness
'you're so worth it'.

28 is young. There is loads of time.

Concentrating on yourself and looking after yourself at the moment while you feel down is the right thing to do. Depression isn't nothing. You are not self-pitying.

Can you make some practical plans for tomorrow?

I used to talk on an internet support group years ago. The people there were beyond wonderful. I met some of them many times. I tried posting there recently, and it was just awkward. They'd moved on, and I'd just sunk lower. I wanted to be a success, and I wasn't. I never will be. The best I can hope for is just.. well, nothing really.

I don't think I want anything major. A decent job and somewhere nice to live. That's it. The sum of my life aims. Won't happen, because I've been unemployed for so long, no-one will take a chance on me.

I'm really not worth it. If I could rewind the clock, I would. I was the kid with "potential". I've ruined it all. I am nothing but a cautionary tale.

I used to think like that, but people love giving 'no hopers' like us a second chance.