I'm struggling to think of reasons not to die.

[littlegingercat]

The title sounds so melodramatic, but I really can't think of anything.

My life is completely and utterly pointless. I am unemployed, with literally zero job prospects. I have no friends. I am not close to my family. No-one would miss me.

I have crippling anxiety that mostly manifests in agoraphobia and social anxiety. I can't go outside on my own. I can't use the phone. Speaking to people sets off panic attacks and such severe self loathing that I can't see through it. I have self harmed for so many years that my skin is permanently ruined.

I despise literally everything about myself. There is absolutely no point to me being alive. I am trying so hard to just get through each day and hope that things improve, but all I keep thinking is that there's nothing better for me. Things have gradually worsened over the last ten years, and I am so tired and sick of being me.

Things aren't going to get better. I know that. Is there a point to just living when life is barely tolerable? I know this is an unbelievable self-centred post, and I'm not actually expecting anyone to know what to say. This is the only place I can say how I feel without worrying about people judging me, or there being consequences.

At 28 I thought I was better off dead, I'd failed everything and everyone.

Then I met another no hoper and we gave ourselves second, third and fourth chances. We're still here, 20 years later.

Won't happen, because I've been unemployed for so long, no-one will take a chance on me.

Yes they will. I was a carer for a few years. You can ease your way back in by volunteering and doing a couple of short courses. That way you gain bang-up-to-date references and are no longer an unknown quantity.

If you wanted to go back into a caring role you could make a positive of the fact that a period of ill health had improved your ability to empathise.

28 is only young if you've accomplished something in that time. If you've had a child, and nurtured him/her, that's fine. If you've worked menial jobs to make ends meet, that's fine. It's not young if all you have done is wallow in your melancholy.

I don't know what I could plan for tomorrow. I don't want another Saturday.

God, I'm sorry. I'm so fucking awful. I hate complaining so much. I hate this outpouring of emotion. It's really not me. I am so contained and I try to make as little impact as I can upon the earth because I don't deserve to be here.

I don't think that I'm worthy of being given another chance. There are so many people who want jobs and they're better than me. They're people who want to live. I am just taking up space here.

I'm so sorry you feel so bad. It sounds like you have had a very hard time , I bet you have shown a lot of strength. Living with anxiety and being isolated is very hard.

You are not very well, and when we are unwell with depression we can't always see the options and potential in the future. So please try to trust us, even if with just a little part of yourself - and hold on to that. Trust us that you are not nothing, you are as valuable as anyone. You can get better, it may not be a simple process but it can happen. I know you feel things can't get better, but please believe me, that isn't true, it is the perspective of someone who is suffering and very depressed. It isn't the truth. I'm very sorry you feel it is, but I promise you it isn't.

I think you have a lot to give, and to receive as well. Can I send a big virtual hug - say 2.47 onwards?

You're not awful, but you are wrong about this one.

28 isn't "young if....."

28 is just young.

Plenty of people haven't got around to doing anything much by 28.

You have been waylaid by ill health but you have bags of time to make a comeback. Loads

28 is young no matter how you look at it, so much is still possible for you.

Until I was 18, barring one incident (that the self harm pre-dated anyway), nothing bad happened to me. I still hated myself, I still self harmed, I still developed an eating disorder. I am just fundamentally this wrong person.

I really want to believe that things could improve, but honestly, will they? The employment situation is dire, I actively self harm so am a risk to a potential employer. There are a thousand candidates who are just better than me.

You are all so very kind, and I am wasting your time.

They really can improve. Try to think in terms of baby steps, rather than trying to imagine yourself jumping from where you are into a full time job. Little improvements that you can build on till things gradually start to look more possible.

The most important thing right now is to try and improve your mental wellbeing. You need to feel better for you, not just for a job or for other people. Are you under a local mental health team?

No, we don't feel like you're wasting our time - I certainly don't!

You know, we always underestimate our own importance, we see our flaws way too much.

You are not wasting our time.And you are stronger than you give yourself credit for. Ten years is a long time to fight depression however each time it rears it's head you get through it. You are a fighter.

Of course things can improve. (What kind of job would you like to be doing at 30?)

You just need to work out what the intermediate steps are.

The self-harm is something that would be problematic for many employers right now, but maybe not later. It is also something that gives you insight.

Start where you are.

First of all you need to get over this hump. Do you have a CPN?

Yes, I'm under the CMHT. I see a support worker weekly for the social anxiety/agoraphobia, and an OT six-weekly. No CPN. Sometimes we broach the other aspects of anxiety that I have, sometimes she just tells me about her most recent holiday. I don't find it useful. They've never once asked if I am suicidal. I've tried therapy in the past and I am just terrible at it. Talking freely to another person, face-to-face, is just not something I can do.

I can see importance in everyone else. I think, genuinely, that every person has a place in the world, they all have something that makes them special and unique. But, I'm not a real person. I'm extraneous to it all. No-one would miss me and since all I think about is overdosing, I'm not depriving the world of a worthy mind.

I don't have a plan for when I'm 30. Well, I do; I plan to be dead by then. I've self harmed for 15 years, I don't think it's something that I will ever stop. It is the only thing that makes me feel safe. The thing is, this isn't a hump. This is me. This is all I have. This is my entire personality. I am a nothing.

But you'd like things to improve?

I think it's too late for things to improve. I think I've given up too much hope, and I know how awful the world is, so any improvement now would be a lie. What I feel, is how life really is. It is bitter and lonely and cold. What can I improve from here? I don't know how it would feel to be happy.

I used to think Pinks Who Knew song was about me - in 3 years I'd be long gone.
I'm still here.

'This' isn't ALL you are. You can be anything you want - well apart from taller I guess (I'm overweight and under tall) - the world really is your oyster, these bits of 'grit' you've got right now, can be dealt with, you CAN do it.

The world isn't my oyster. I can't step foot outside my front door. I can't answer the phone. I know nothing bad will happen if I do either, but I can't make myself do it.

I am so worn down and exhausted and just plain done. I've had enough. I am sick of myself. I'm sick of memories that I can't escape, I'm sick of replaying my life in my head because my present isn't worth anything. My head hurts constantly and I am just so tired.

You describe depression very well, you are a good writer for one thing. You have a lovely perspective towards everyone else being special, you sound very kind. So that is two good things about you which we already know from just a few messages, even when you're feeling bad.

The things you've said make me believe even more strongly you can get better. You say you are different, not real, and don't deserve something that you think all other humans do. That isn't feasible, it is deep depression talking. It is so way off that while you may feel it, it cannot possibly be true. So that can be helped. The good news is that the generous perspective you have to others not only reflects well on you as a kind and intelligent person, it means that when you are feeling better you can give that same compassion to yourself. Trust me, you are as real as everyone else.

This things you are going through are not all you are and all you have. I am not saying you can transform into someone with no problems or vulnerabilities, but you can learn different ways to cope with things so that you will have less harmful habits and more room to see the good that is also in you. Oh yes it is!

And when you said that what you feel, is how life really is....sweetheart what you feel, is how you really feel and it is important. You deserve help with how you feel. Don't let depression, however longstanding, tell you that is how it really is, or can be. No. Life is a great big thing, and being able to believe, even just a little, that there is more to it than we currently feel there is, or could be, is hard to do when you're unwell, but important. Improvement wont' be a lie because you will feel different. However, you'll remember things and understand things about how the worst times felt, which will be a great asset in helping yourself and others.

Honestly, everything you say tells me it isn't you, it is the illness. Everything you say reveals another good quality you have.

Sorry if this all a terrible ramble - I have taken meds and will probably fall asleep soon, but I'll be back to check on you tomorrow.

You aren't ready to take on all the opportunities yet, but the world will still be there when you are. It will wait for you.

So much of what you've said indicates a wish to go on, to believe....can you just hold on to that for a bit. To me your last post doesn't sound like someone who is tired and sick and ready to give up on life. It sounds like someone who is tired and sick and ready for change. This can be the beginning.

Stop the playback. You can't change it and it's not helping you sort things.
Everything takes time, right now you can't get out, but one day you will. It may take days, months, years, but you WILL get out because you want to.
Change is daunting, but as temp has said, you sound as someone who is ready for it.
Baby steps each time, before you know it, you'll be someone 'better' than before.

Temporary, you are so kind. You all are, actually. Everyone who's given up their time. I don't deserve it, but I'm so grateful. I don't know how to deal with people being kind to me. I don't want to contradict you because it would be rude, but I feel terrible that you might think I am a worthwhile person when I know that I am not.
Real people have jobs/friends/families/ambitions/hopes. One, or all of the above. I'm just a drain. Actually, a sponge is a better word. I just desperately absorb the kindness that people offer me, and I don't give anything back. I get wrung out over time and I need to absorb the goodness from other people again. Maybe a drain was the right word after all.

I can't stop the playback. I don't do it on purpose. My brain runs away with itself.

I'm going to try to sleep, because my head is hurting and I think I've used up enough of everyone's time for one night. Thank you all, so much. Sorry for the complaining.

Sleep tight,
I hope things look brighter for you when you wake up.

Oh OP you don't sound at all well - I think you need to show this thread to whichever medical professional you trust the most, you need a bit more help. You are a real person

Hi I read your thread last night. Hope this isn't a silly suggestion but maybe MN itself could be one of your 'baby steps'. Keep this thread going and post on others. Even if you just post in the night offering a virtual hand to hold to someone whose cat is dying, say, you have done something valuable. You are obviously sensitive and articulate. And if you are holding someone else's hand, they (in a virtual metaphorical sort of way) are holding yours, too. Hugs.

Real people have jobs/friends/families/ambitions/hopes.

Everyone is real, whether they have those things or not. Having all those things does not define a person's worth, it really doesn't. That is one thing I'll never believe. It can be wonderful and an achievement to have all those things, but I'm sure there are many quite horrible people who have all those things too. There are so many reasons why those areas of someone's life can go wrong or vary - it really doesn't make them a bit less real or worthwhile.

I think Marrog has a good idea to keep posting on here when you feel you can. Hope you got some sleep.

Thank you all for being so lovely. I feel like a total dick for going on so much. So much self pity and patheticness is really not a good quality.

I don't really know what else to say. I haven't got the guts to comment on other people's threads, which I know is stupid because this is all anonymous.

Thank you all again.