I'm struggling to think of reasons not to die.

[littlegingercat]

The title sounds so melodramatic, but I really can't think of anything.

My life is completely and utterly pointless. I am unemployed, with literally zero job prospects. I have no friends. I am not close to my family. No-one would miss me.

I have crippling anxiety that mostly manifests in agoraphobia and social anxiety. I can't go outside on my own. I can't use the phone. Speaking to people sets off panic attacks and such severe self loathing that I can't see through it. I have self harmed for so many years that my skin is permanently ruined.

I despise literally everything about myself. There is absolutely no point to me being alive. I am trying so hard to just get through each day and hope that things improve, but all I keep thinking is that there's nothing better for me. Things have gradually worsened over the last ten years, and I am so tired and sick of being me.

Things aren't going to get better. I know that. Is there a point to just living when life is barely tolerable? I know this is an unbelievable self-centred post, and I'm not actually expecting anyone to know what to say. This is the only place I can say how I feel without worrying about people judging me, or there being consequences.

Thank you both.

I know that what you're saying about the GP makes sense, Temporary. I'd be saying the same things were it anyone else. I always rush any appointments that I have (with anyone, not just GPs) because I feel so guilty at taking up their time. I don't think that there's anything that she could do to help with how I feel anyway. I know she would talk to the CMHT about the support worker, but if she's the only one available, then what's the point?

I really want to hide away from this and hope that it goes away. I've never made a complaint about anyone and I really don't think I have it in me.

I understand, I get worried about complaining too. It isn't like me to hold back but having anxiety can make us imagine the worst outcome and think it will be worse than it is. I'd try to think of it not as complaining, but as wondering how you can move on your treatment. You never know if there might be someone else in the team who could help you, it may be more flexible than it seems. I think you should have a CPN rather than a support worker alone. You don't have to take any action, so don't feel pressured. If you do though, it could help you move forward. If I can make any calls or help let me know.

Remember when you go to the GP that other people are going over their time and that it is down to the GP to manage that - she could always say, right we need to make a further appointment to discuss this or whatever. Let her handle the timing, you just say what you need to say. It doesn't sound like there is any risk of you being too demanding, more the opposite. You can also write something down to give to her. You could even write to her without an appointment. Make sure you let people know that you have difficulty leaving the house or making calls, so that they realise you need help accessing support. If you come up against someone who doesn't seem friendly or helpful please don't blame yourself - some people have an unfortunate manner and they direct it at everyone, it isn't you. Hopefully they will be helpful though.

I don't just have the support worker, I see an OT six-weekly. She's my CC. She's nice, but we don't really talk about anything. Every time I see her it seems to be just a case of "how are you?" "oh, things are getting worse?" "oh, ok." "well, here's what I did on holiday/how my kids are doing/what I think of a new TV show".

I think that other people going over their times in appointments is part of why I feel like this. Waiting sets me off, and I've had many a panic attack whilst waiting to see a doctor, and I cannot bear to think that my prattling on could cause that to happen to someone else. I'm generally so horribly anxious when I get into the appointment that the fear controls what I can and can't say. I've thought of writing things down, but sitting in silence while the GP reads will ramp up my anxiety.

I think what this all boils down to, is that I don't trust anyone. My GP is kind, my OT is nice, but I don't trust them. I'm scared of being put in a hospital.

I know I'm being really difficult, I'm sorry. I just don't see a way out, I don't think that anyone can actually help. I've tried a lot of things, and it's not worked (because the fault is inherently within me).

OT - is that an occupational therapist? I still think a CPN would be better. Whereabouts are you (don't worry if you don't want to say)?

Yeah, OT is Occupational Therapist. I've had assessments with the CMHT, and they didn't think that I merited having a CPN. I don't really know what CPNs actually do, tbh.

I'd rather not say where I am, I'm a bit paranoid at having this thread discovered.

That's ok. CPN would be a psychiatric nurse who could visit you and could supervise your treatment. Would also probably have more appropriate training and experience for you. I think if you don't feel that you can get your difficulties across fully in an appointment, writing a letter is a reasonable option. I sometimes think that having something 'on record' generates a better response. It is then hard for them to come back and say they weren't aware of something. I don't think your OT would mind at all if you spoke to her about your treatment and asked to see a nurse or doctor for a review.

I wish it wasn't such a struggle for everyone with MH problems to get the right help. It is a constant issue on this board . You'll get there though, this will improve.

Having this all on record makes sense. I know that the sensible thing to do is to speak to the OT when I see her next, and just tell the truth. It is SO much easier said than done. Being honest about how I feel does not come naturally to me at all, it is instinctive to me to lie and cover it up.

I can't help feeling that this is all a lot of effort for someone like me. I am not a real person in the way that the rest of you are. I don't think I believe that this will improve, because it's only worsened over time. I can't muster any positivity or hope at the moment, I'm sorry for being such an annoyance.

You are just as real as anyone, littlecat. You breathe, eat, talk, feel emotions the same as all of us. You aren't an annoyance. You are a fellow human who is reaching out for help. You must have a little spark of hope in you or you wouldn't be here with us.

It's just a matter of you finding the right treatment and the right team. As a PP said, it's easier sometimes to write things down. I know I have to do that when I'm upset because it's hard for me to get my thoughts into words then. So write a letter to the OT expressing your concerns. Make an appt with your GP and write him/her a letter about how you are feeling. Be as honest as you can, remember you aren't helping yourself if you make things seem better than they are. There is nothing wrong with needing help to live a good life.

hi there,

i don't post much but i just wanted to say that i felt the same way til very recently.

the whole of my 20s, i was just so miserable, depressed, full of self loathing. i didn't have hobbies or friends or a stable job. i had a partner who was a dick to me. i lived most of my late 20s in a flat full of mould with rotting floorboards, i spent my early 20s so fucked up that i moved, i think l, 17 times. i ended up homeless at an ex's house at one point for a year. my arm is covered in scars from that time. but i could have dealt with any of thise things if it hadn't been for the feeling of utter despair that was with me every day, every minute.

this is not to make it about me. but to say that i woke up today feeling so happy and glad to be alive. i read for a bit, chatted to a friend, made plans. nothing big or special, just simple stuff. but 10 years ago, if someone had said to me, you will wake up one day and you'll feel happy, i'd have laughed.

it took work. and i still have days where i wake up and i feel i can't go on. but for the past two years, life has gone from hell to bearable to something like enjoyable. the bad days, yeah, i still want to die. i am not sure they will ever go away completely, those feelings. but now i know that there is hope and it gets me through.

i'm not going to sit here and say get a hobby get a job get therapy. i think you need to find your own path. and it's not easy. it got worse before it got better and going to a job every day required superhuman strength at times. the things that worked for me were meditation (i actually managed to get a course on the nhs which was the first decent thing they ever did for me), therapy (that i paid privately for, i know that might not be an option, and it was hard to find the money), eating well, exercise, and ditching the shit boyfriend.

and, somehow, stopping the self loathing. that's the hardest part, i think. because i HATED myself. but now, ok, i have times where i do. but mainly i feel like i'm at least as worthy as anyone else.

i feel like this was all about me, and i am sorry if it's nonsense. maybe when i was in that bad place, it would have seemed like nonsense to me too. but there is hope. there is always hope.

Thank you both.

I'll try writing things down before I see the OT. If I can work out the exact phrase I want to say, that might mean that I can actually say it.

I'm sorry you've been through this too, white but really glad that you've come out the other side. I know that finding something that works for me, like you did, is what I need to do.

What you've said isn't nonsense at all, I'm really grateful that you shared so much.

Good! There's your first little step cat.

You don't even have to say it out loud. You can write it down and just hand them the paper to read, if that's easier for you.

I thought I would update this, because I saw my CC today. Well, yesterday.

Long story short, the poor relationship between the support worker and myself is my fault. She only reacts to how I am, and if I'm reading more into that, then that's my fault too. I have to put on a smiley, happy fake face and then maybe she'll respond more positively. I've made everything a thousand times worse by mentioning this. I couldn't bring myself to mention how I was feeling. I know how I feel is my own fault, and I don't deserve anything better.

I am absolutely terrified about having to see the support worker next week. All I want to do is hurt myself. I know that wanting to die just so I don't have to go to an appointment is ridiculous, but that's where I am today.

What exactly was said little? I wonder if there has been a misunderstanding or communication breakdown. Any CC that did say that would be completely wrong and completely out of order.

Don't worry about the appointment, you can always cancel it. No one can force you to do it. If your sessions with the support worker are making you feel worse rather than better they cannot blame that on you.

There hasn't been a misunderstanding. She said it nicely, but she did say that the support worker reacts to how I am. There are some days that I'm feeling so low that I can't function, that just breathing takes more energy than I have. Sometimes, those days happen when I have appointments. I completely accept that this is my own fault, no-one has made me feel this way, I'm just like it sometimes.

The CC is really nice. She was kind with what she said, but it was obvious that I was in the wrong. I'm not surprised. I despise myself, so it stands to reason that other people would hate being around me.

I can't cancel the appointment, because I can't use the phone. I said that I'd carry on with having the appointments too. I feel really trapped.

She is WRONG. A support worker's job is to support you, not 'react' to you. If you are feeling low, it is their job to try and help you, not make it worse. At the very least, she should be able to be patient with you.

I don't know what to tell you to do though. Things are really different here (US). Maybe someone else who is in the UK can give you advice on how to change your treatment team.

I never tell the support worker that I'm feeling low though. I don't feel comfortable enough with her to do that. She's not very patient, but maybe it is just that I am irritating her beyond belief.

This whole thing is just really confirming that I am a terrible person. I've always known it, really. I'm using up time that other people need (and would use better, was the message).

My guess is that the CC doesn't actually know anything about how the appointments have been with the support worker, she hasn't been there all the time. She was probably intending to reassure you that the support worker should try and pitch things at your level - ie. do what you feel capable of that day and empathise with you. That isn't the full story though, as I'm not sure the support worker really knows what to do or is helping you properly. I think the CC should have listened to you more carefully.

If she said that the support worker should be/is responding or reacting to you, I can see how you would think she meant that if you've felt the support worker was bad, then you must be bad. She won't have meant that (unless she is completely unethical and mistaken which would not be your fault). She perhaps didn't quite understand how you'd perceived the support worker, and that you'd turn blame on yourself.

Please remember that any problems you have communicating, or assessing how people are with you, are not your fault. You aren't well, that is causing the problems, and it isn't your fault you aren't well. I know you might say it is just you, but that doesn't mean you aren't struggling with depression as an illness. I also trust and believe you that for whatever reason, the support worker appointments are not helping much.

The support workers job, and entire purpose in seeing you, is to support you however you are that day. She is paid to do a certain thing - support. Any failure to do that is not down to you. I know people who work in medical care and they frequently deal with people who are not like you, they are genuinely difficult and violent, abusive and all manner of things. It is part of their job to treat those people with the same respect and care as everyone else, personal feelings don't come into it. So while I think there is nothing she could dislike about you, I am just pointing out that even if there were, you wouldn't be expected to just accept it. I don't think that is what is going on here.

You say you're not surprised you're in the wrong as you despise yourself. It is more likely that as you feel so negative towards yourself you believe you're in the wrong.

I do wonder whether having someone to advocate for you or go to appointments with you would be helpful. You could email or write to your local MIND and ask what support they can give, or I can call them for you if you want. There won't be any pressure to get back to them if you don't want to. If you want me to make any calls about appointments do pm me. I hope you feel better , I'm sorry I can't explain myself better but I really do think you can't blame yourself here. Please believe on that.

I don't see why she should find you irritating, and I doubt she does, she may just be irritated most of the time for reasons not related to you. It certainly reflects on her and not you. In any case in her job she will have to deal with many people who are worse than 'irritating', and if she can't be patient with that she should resign and let someone more capable take on the role.

I think at the moment you are so down that anything will seem to you like confirmation that you're a terrible person, even winning the lottery! That is an extreme example but what I'm trying to say is that the meaning you are ascribing to everything is coming from depression not from any external truth. Your feelings need to be recognised and you need to be helped, I'm not dismissing your self criticism or saying that you can just get over it all of a sudden. I am saying that you need to try and challenge it a bit, to believe even with a little part of yourself, that it isn't the true picture. I promise you it isn't. Anyway, as I've said elsewhere, terrible people don't tend to spend any time thinking they are terrible or worrying about it. They tend to not care and just get on with pleasing themselves.

You're right that the CC hasn't been at these appointments. The support worker has been talking to her though. I just feel like, now I'm not allowed to be depressed or anxious, which is the whole reason I even have these appointments. I have to be chirpy and lively and upbeat which makes me ache.

I think I am quite difficult, because I really find the appointments hard. I find it so hard to be outside, and around other people, and that isn't something that is getting easier the more I do it. I know she wants me to be advancing quicker. I want that too, but it's just not happening.

I don't think an advocate would help, really. The sensible thing would be to just stop the support worker sessions. You're very kind to offer to call them for me, but being around two people at once is more than I can do. I am useless.

This is all more than I can do, really. Just living, day after day after day, is more than I want to do. I just wish I wasn't here.

I understand that some terrible people just get on with their day and are happy with their terribleness. It's just hard to think that I am not awful when all the evidence is to the contrary. Sorry, I know I'm being awkward. Thank you for listening to me go on so much.

The evidence on here is that you're a lovely person . Don't give up on better times, you can do it, don't get too daunted by the future. I'm not surprised you're finding it hard, you are restricted in what you can do and coping with mental health issues. That says to me that you deserve proper help, and that there is room for improvement. Things can get better.

There are a lot of things I don't manage to do, I see the CMHT and don't progress at speed, I don't think many people do. As you say though, no-one wants to get better more than the patient! We're doing what we can day by day.

You're quite right that the reason you have the appointments is because you have difficulties, there would be no need for them if not. So it would make no sense for them to expect you to be calm and happy and magically cured overnight.

I honestly don't know that things can get better any more. I think there's just too much to do, and I don't have the energy for it.

I just always end up feeling like nothing I do is good enough. I am trying. I really am doing the best I can, and I know that even my very best isn't all that great, but it's all I can do.

I think that they just think that I'm not worth the investment. That it's going to take too much time/energy on their behalf, and since I'm never going to amount to anything, they might as well move on. I think I agree with them.

It's their job, I don't think they will think of it in terms of investment or effort.

Please try to take good care of yourself. You can do everything in baby steps. I think you're doing well and you will get better. Your thinking, through no fault of your own, is quite distorted. That can be addressed and that means you can feel so much better. Keep going. You already amount to something now, you are important and valid as a human being. You'll not persuade anyone otherwise!

I'm probably going to try and sleep but will be back at some point!

Something that the CC said makes me think that they do see it in terms of investment. She made a comment about how "other people" advance quicker, and that might be contributing to how the support worker behaves. Oh, I don't know any more. I don't know what to think. It shouldn't be this confusing and painful, just trying to get help.

Thank you for talking to me, you're very kind.

Little, please be kinder to yourself. Your best is good enough. Its okay to only be able to breathe some days.

I've struggled with MH issues since I was a young teen and am now almost 30.

Baby steps. Going to the GP? Well done. Unable to tell them how bad it is? Thats fine, you went to the GP, and thats a big thing. Had an anxiety attack whilst waiting? Thats fine, you made it to the GPs.

I really hope that doesn't come across as patronising. I've only been able to think like that since I met DH, because he will point out those things to me. "So you haven't cleaned the kitchen, but you have made breakfast lunch and dinner for the 4 of us."

Before I met him 2 years ago (it was a friendship that turned into more) I was so lonely it physically hurt.

I've never had a support worker or anything but I'm rather disgusted in that attitude of "reacting to you". How on earth does being shouty or silent help someone in a panic attack? I would have taken you somewhere quieter and private and helped you focus on breathing (as thats what I've had to do myself umpteen times over the last year.)

As for other people advancing quicker please don't compare yourself. MH is such a personal, individual disease. Everyone reacts and recovers at different speeds.