I'm struggling to think of reasons not to die.

[littlegingercat]

The title sounds so melodramatic, but I really can't think of anything.

My life is completely and utterly pointless. I am unemployed, with literally zero job prospects. I have no friends. I am not close to my family. No-one would miss me.

I have crippling anxiety that mostly manifests in agoraphobia and social anxiety. I can't go outside on my own. I can't use the phone. Speaking to people sets off panic attacks and such severe self loathing that I can't see through it. I have self harmed for so many years that my skin is permanently ruined.

I despise literally everything about myself. There is absolutely no point to me being alive. I am trying so hard to just get through each day and hope that things improve, but all I keep thinking is that there's nothing better for me. Things have gradually worsened over the last ten years, and I am so tired and sick of being me.

Things aren't going to get better. I know that. Is there a point to just living when life is barely tolerable? I know this is an unbelievable self-centred post, and I'm not actually expecting anyone to know what to say. This is the only place I can say how I feel without worrying about people judging me, or there being consequences.

I care too. And so sorry to hear you speak like this. You aren't 'going on'- everyone here has a choice to listen anyway and it upsets me to hear you feel so worthless. Your voice is important even on here and it must be so hard not to be able to see people easily. Given what you are coping with you need to look after yourself all the more, and realise you are worth something, i've never met anyone who isn't?
Can you take any small steps that would help get you out of this situation and learn to respect and look after yourself as you DO matter, a lot. Even if it's writing down that you managed exercise today, or sent a card to a relative?

I am glad someone gave you the number for Samaritans and if ringing them was too daunting wonder whether there's an option to email or write to them.

Please keep chatting to us here and ask if we can help and give you an outside perspective as coping with challenges on your own would be hard for anyone.
And here's a virtual hug, it is heartfelt!

'No Man is an Island'

No man is an island entire of itself; every man
is a piece of the continent, a part of the main;
if a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe
is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as
well as any manner of thy friends or of thine
own were; any man's death diminishes me,
because I am involved in mankind.
And therefore never send to know for whom
the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.

These are very wise words. Each and every one of us is important to the other. Even when you don't feel as if you 'deserve' to live, remember that your life does affect other lives. Stop and think, Ginger, that every single poster on this thread is saddened by your sadness and wants you to feel better. Every one of us would come to your house to comfort you, if we could. And that, if we heard that you had died, we would be sad because you were no longer in this world. And we are strangers to you. Even though you say you are not close to family and friends, remember that somewhere there is someone thinking 'I wonder how Gingercat is doing?' even if they don't try to contact you.

It's not 'self-pity' or 'patheticness'. You have a valid need for help. You deserve help. You deserve to be happy.

I've never felt that I was worth anything. I've never liked myself. I kind of thought that most people felt like that.

There is an e-mail option for the Samaritans, but I've used it in the past and found it stilted and unhelpful. I think they're really busy.

I am getting MH help for the level of anxiety I have, but these feelings aren't really related to my MH, are they? They're just reflections of the person I am. Medication masks the person underneath, therapy changes thought patterns but not the real person.

I'm really sorry if I've made people sad. That wasn't my intention at all. I didn't really think it through. I feel really disconnected, which isn't all that unusual, and I know that hurting myself would help. I can't decide if the desperation is worse, or the apathy is.

but these feelings aren't really related to my MH, are they?

Yes, they really are.

You are a very good writer: clear, sincere, colourful, imaginative. You are obviously intelligent, though I guess that may be making your pain worse. You have a lot of empathy.

The world needs intelligent, caring, expressive people in it.

You have really touched me and many other people who are answering you.

Do you want to talk about the past? What your family was like? How you started to develop the bad feelings you have about yourself?

When I look at your username, I wonder if you would like to have a cat?

HI

I could of written your orginial post. I also wonder what the hell I have to wake up the next day.

I find a little thing helps, today was the fact I hadn't smoked in a 100 days, thus depriving a Tory MP of cleaning his pool with my tax money.

Don't care if it is true or not but makes me feel a little better

You're far too kind, Clara.

My childhood was completely run of the mill. Nondescript. My parents are still together, and although we're not close, they are good people. I've just always hated myself. I can't remember a time when I felt differently. I can't even remember a trigger for why I started self-harming. It just seemed like a natural thing to do.

I like cats (my username is actually the picture that was on my calendar when I name-changed), but I wouldn't want a pet. I can't even keep a house plant alive, and the thought of something being wholly reliant on me to survive is terrifying.

Well done on 100 days Em, and I'm sorry that you're feeling the same way. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

I guess if you can't see any reason or cause behind your bad feelings, trying to understand why you have these feelings with a view to changing them might not help you at the moment. From my own very limited experience, there usually seem to be patterns of thinking or reacting which have some sort of a cause, but I don't really know much. I'm just groping in the dark.

I think therapy can sometimes help people to develop. As you say, it can't change who you are, but people are very complex, and the right therapist might help your mind to open up another layer of understanding or move out of a rut it has been stuck in. Your MH team sound pretty crap, if they don't ask you how you feel and just natter on about their lives.

There have been many sides to you over the course of your life: you have been a person who went to school, who learned many different sophisticated skills, who loved her parents (maybe very long ago), who successfully applied and started nursing school, who liked cats.

I think if you want to change your life, it is always possible. My uneducated gut reaction is that your agoraphobia is really getting in your way, because it keeps you from doing things like volunteering, getting to the doctor's or to another therapist, getting outside to see the sun and the natural world. Maybe you could try to get help just with the agoraphobia? I think there are online therapists, maybe you could qualify to have a befriender, who would visit regularly and help you?

I suggested a cat to you because someone else mentioned a dog, but I could see that a dog would be too demanding, needing walks and always looking to you for attention. I love cats, and find them very comforting without being intrusive. If you adopted a middle aged cat from a rescue centre (maybe a cat who was about to be put down) it would give you a very simple reason for being alive, and some very undemanding friendly company.

clara, excellent post and wonderful insight.

ginger try to take in what clara has said. Just one little change can make a difference.

Perhaps you can make a change in your MH team just to make that one little change?

Can you imagine a little ginger kitten? Imagine you found it somewhere, shivering in a gutter, hungry and starved of love. Would you be kind to it, take it to your heart and will it to live? What would be the first thing you would do? What can you do for yourself, LittleGingerKitten to love yourself. Can you do anything kind for yourself? Maybe gently brush your hair, make a cup of tea, anything to give you the tiniest bit of pleasure?

I hope it's okay if I post again.

I had an awful appointment with my support worker today. I've never really found her to be useful, but I persevere because I feel like I should. She seems quite aggressive sometimes. She gets angry with me when I get overly anxious. Today, I panicked quite badly while we were out, and she really got angry with me. She tried to start an argument with me (whilst I was still panicking), then completely ignored me for a solid five minutes.

I can't deal with people being aggressive towards me, I just shut down. I can't argue, I have absolutely no idea how to defend myself, especially when I'm panicked. Raised voices in particular (which she seems to be a big fan of) just add to my anxiety, and I can't deal. I really need distraction when I'm panicked, so an awful atmosphere is just not going to help.

The thing is, this MUST be me, mustn't it? There's no way that she'd be employed by the CMHT if she did this frequently. I'm either imagining it (though, how do you imagine a raised voice then a stony silence), or I'm just so fucking awful that she can't help herself. Either way, this does not reflect positively on me.

It boils down to this. Someone who is PAID to be around me, finds me so repellent and vile, that she gets angry when my facade drops. Why is this alone not a good reason to die?

Sorry for waffling again. Thank you all for your posts. I've read them even though I was too cowardly to reply.

It's not you littlecat. She sounds like she doesn't know how to work with you though. Part of the role is building rapport and I don't think you've found it with this person. Could you ask to see another person?

Thank you, but I really think it is me. She sees a lot of other people, and she wouldn't still be doing that if she was a bad person.

If I ask to see someone else, then my CC is going to want to know why. Obviously this then becomes my word against hers, and I am not going to "win". When I was first told that I would be having a support worker, I was told that there was one female, and one male in the entire team. I can't cope with being alone with men, so the female was the obvious choice. I don't know if this is (or ever was) still true.

I really think my personality is at fault here. I really honestly try to be friendly and smiley but there are just days when I can't manage it, and that must be the problem. Sometimes there are days, when I can't manage to smile and be fake and happy, and she must think that I'm just a horrible person who isn't worth her time.

You are allowed to have days where it's hard to be smiley. She should understand this. She may be like this with everyone and no one feels strong enough to say.
It's easy with anxiety to blame yourself for things. I know this only too well. She should be supportive. Not angry.

It is not you. Her job exists because people have problems that need sensitive handling, and she obviously can't give it, at least not at the moment. Perhaps she needs to take time out from the role or more likely just isn't suited to the job.

I am sure it is not about anyone finding you repellent and vile, it is more likely that she gets frustrated with the nature of her role - I mean the fact that it can be hard and take time to help people - or that she just doesn't know how to handle the situation and did the wrong thing. She may have been stressed out by her previous appointment or something in her home life. Whatever the case it was not your fault and it was not the appropriate response. You deserve someone who can help you more. Could you write the CMHT (and cc your GP) saying that you have tried to give the current situation a good go but that at this point you feel it isn't providing the help you need, and you'd like to be re assessed by a psychiatric nurse? Someone else might have a better idea of what to say. You could also ask your support worker about referral to someone, you don't need to explain all the details as to why, though I think you have every right to.

I'm sorry the trip didn't go well, the last thing you need is for someone to add to your fears about going out. I wish I could come over and help you, I'm sure we all do . Someone else (the support worker) making a mistake, a mistake that doesn't reflect on you, is a stress you didn't need or deserve, but not a reason to get down on yourself. Somehow you'll come through this.

Please come back and post whenever you feel like it. This is your thread.

Cross posted but this -

she must think that I'm just a horrible person who isn't worth her time

I don't think she does think that (it is easy to think you are at fault for everything when you are depressed). You're very clearly not a horrible person. If she can't be patient and non judgmental about mental health problems then she shouldn't be in the job.

Do you think that I could be misreading it?

She did raise her voice, but she wasn't shouting. She said things like "You're not facing this, you're not trying hard enough". I was mid-panic attack, my vision had narrowed to a pin and I was just focusing on breathing. Obviously, she didn't know how much I was panicking, and I try REALLY hard to make sure that it's not visible.

I've never found her to be supportive while I'm really panicking. The worst thing is the silence. This will sound really stupid, but I find the silence aggressive. I know that "dealing" with the anxiety is probably part of treatment, but this angry "I'm pissed off with you" silence is just awful. I appreciate that maybe I'm reading more into this than she means, but you know what an angry silence feels like, right?

Temporary this is going to sound so ridiculous, but I don't feel safe complaining about someone, even indirectly. She knows where I live and what if I was responsible for her having a warning? I don't want to involve my GP; she is absolutely lovely and I know how overworked GPs are. I can't add to her workload.

I've always felt anxious about actually seeing her, in addition to the agoraphobic anxiety over going outside. I figured it was part of the social anxiety and I've been trying to just deal with it, but maybe the fact that I'm scared about her being angry/silent/aggressive is adding to everything?

I can't shake the feeling that it is me who is wrong. I just wish I wasn't here.

You aren't reading it wrong. If you book an appointment to see your GP you won't be adding to her work load. That's what they are there for. You say she is lovely, so she would want you to be getting the right support and I don't think that you are at the moment.

I think you're right that the silent behaviour is adding to your anxiety. Please ask to swap because you deserve the support.

Honestly she sounds awful and completed unsuited to her job. I would hate to be spoken to like that, and I know from the contact I've had with professionals for anxiety that they should never speak to people like that. Also, I do understand about the silence. I would have found it all very stressful and upsetting. I think she just doesn't know how to cope with people who are scared and tried the wrong strategy to help you.

It truly isn't you. It is her job not just to turn up, but to cope appropriately with patients in various states of distress.

I definitely you're misreading when you blame yourself. When you said upthread that there were only two possibilities, that you imagined it or that you are awful - that is a classic example of the kind of distorted thinking we get when depressed. There are actually multiple other, more likely explanations. You didn't imagine it, but she was stressed out because of something unrelated to you and wasn't thinking straight. You didn't imagine it, she wanted to help but completely misjudged what would be helpful and then fell silent for fear of making it worse. We could come up with hundreds of other explanations.

When you are depressed you feel backed into a corner, the depressions stops you from seeing that you have options, that different things are possible. You see how there are many more options to explain today than you at first assumed. In the same way, there are many more options to your whole future than you think, the depression is just stopping you from seeing them clearly. Just being aware of that nasty trick it plays and that error in thinking could be helpful.

I'm supposed to see my GP in a month, because that's when my repeat prescriptions run out. The problem is, I can't go there on my own. Because I'm useless. I need someone with me, and the only 'someone' there is, is the support worker. God, I can't complain about her. There are just so many ways it could backfire.

If what I was told is true, there isn't anyone to swap to. I believe it too, it's a very small CMHT. One male and one female support worker does seem about right for the case loads, and I just can't see a man. I know I am stupid but I can't.

Temporary, I really can't see other reasons. I'm sorry, I know I must sound like such an idiot, but I can genuinely only see that either I am imagining her behaviour, or my personality is directly causing said behaviour. She didn't seem like she wasn't thinking straight; my panic attack happened about 15 minutes into the appointment (we drive first, then go out). She just hates me and I completely understand why.

You don't sound like an idiot at all, you sound like someone who is depressed and struggling to see the full picture. You're not useless or stupid.

Please trust me that there are many possible reasons - if it is either imagined, or you, then that basically rules out her personality, other events in her life, her competence, the outside world etc as factors. You can't rule out those things, they are there. That would be like saying that the fact you were scared at being outside must be either imagined, or directly caused by her personality. If you can't see it, please trust me, I would not make it up or just say what I think you want to hear.

I think you should go to the GP, she may be able to write to the CMHT and say that she thinks you should be seen by a nurse or doctor for an assessment and for a CBT referral. That is not a direct criticism of the support worker, you should have those things anyway even if things were going well with the support worker. Let's see what happens about possible alternative support, the situation may have changed or you may be able to see someone in a different role. While you do have every right to complain, you don't actually have to say anything critical if you don't want to, you can request a change if you feel the status quo just isn't helping you. Sometimes people get on well and don't have complaints, but they know it just isn't moving them forward health wise or working as a therapy relationship. That's fine.

You could ask your GP for a home visit or a phone appointment - if they aren't possible perhaps a local support group or MIND or similar could provide someone to go with you. If you want me to make any calls to enquire about anything, pm me.

Thank you.

All I really know is that I feel scared of her. In that silly, pointless, teenage bullying-high school way. I don't want to draw her competence into question, because I don't want to affect her job.

I will definitely be seeing the GP next month. All I really want to do is hide away and avoid the questions, but the status quo isn't helping. I feel so guilty at adding to the GP's work. I don't really think that I'm worth it. It must take a lot of energy to contact the CMHT, write letters, form opinions. I could just kill myself and I would save everyone the effort. In reality, I'm nothing. So long as I leave a note exonerating the GP/CMHT, then it won't matter.

All you would have to say is that your personalities don't mix well. That's not blaming either you or her.

Please persevere littlecat. You ARE worthwhile. You just haven't found your place yet. But you will eventually. I know it's hard to see in front of you through your shadows. But trust that many of us have been on that journey.

It does matter because YOU matter.

Do not feel guilty at adding to the GP's work, that is what they are there for. If there are issues with workload they are not yours to sort out. You are probably more in need of her help than many people who will go in 2 or 3 times in the next 10 days. I kid you not.

She wants to help you. It will not take much time or energy at all to take whatever further action you need, she is used to that and has a process for doing it, secretarial support and so on. It will take minutes and no significant effort. However I would bet that she would be willing to do much more to help you if she could. Far from not being worth a few minutes of doing the job she is paid for, if she knew the alternative was you making a drastic decision she would spend hours and lots of effort and do whatever it took.

You are not a problem to anyone. People want to help you. Across is right, you matter. Please, look after yourself and come and post tomorrow. I'll be looking forward to hearing from you. ((littlegingercat))

Hello , no need to post if you don't feel up to it but please do whenever you want to. Don't worry about saying the wrong thing, this is just a place for you to say what comes to you. Hope you're ok.