"putting the SPRING back in our step - village support for depression and anxiety"

[LEMmingaround]

Heres the new thread guys. What is this, thread 9?

This is a thread that is situated in a virtual village of support for those suffering from mental health issues, or just those struggling with what life throws at them.

Please feel free to join in.

What was your PhD in? any chance you could go back to that field of work? is your DH in a similar line?

For your job, you put full time mum (and do so with pride!)

How did you get on with your boss, what is your most striking memory of him - for me, it was that he wore converses before they were fashionable (even with his suit). That he was a complete optomist about experiments which countered my general approach of "it'l never work!" I was lucky with my supervisor, he was a pretty good egg - had he been a bit more of a slave driver though i might have came out with a Thesis that i valued rather than just scraping through! But he did support me through the writing up period which was probably one of the worst periods of my life (partly due to phd but mostly other shite going on).

I think most peoples resounding memory from their PhD is handing over those post correction boxes of paper to be bound and thinking - i NEVER ever want to see them again :) I don't think you'll be alone with those thoughts.

If you were studying towards a PhD then you absolutely ARE qualified to judge anotehr person as a scientist, regardless of whether you still work in the field (i haven't worked for pay, as a scientist since i finished but its a bit like being a catholic, once a scientist, always a scientist) - The individual stuff is fine. You say he was arrogant so could you say something like "He was always very sure of his theories and stood by his results" he was an arrogant fucker who interpreted things the way he wanted to see them even if the statistics said no

I think it really depends if you liked the guy to be honest.

Thanku to those asking after me... I'm not well at all just have got through today an hour by hour... Feeling very very low :( i don't even know what to write here as I don't want to upset anyone with my thoughts.

Oh DD sending you hugs. Write here if you think it'll make you feel better. Or just in a diary if you want no one to see it. Or you can PM me if you want as long as you don't expect me to say anything sensible/tactful in return.

Thanks LEM. I didn't have much contact with him to be honest, that's the problem. And I'm useless at writing stuff like this! And panic at the thought that people might actually read it. If he had been more a present boss then I'm sure I also wouldn't have just scraped through either, (well that or been kicked out!) but he didn't really involve himself much with my project as it wasn't one he was focusing on. I couldn't go back to that field of work as it would be academic, not industrial. DH was also in his group, but totally different topic. I can't remember quotes from him and I'm terrified of misquoting him as I'm sure other people would remember.
I've written this: I was incredibly fortunate to have X as a supervisor. Both his enthusiasm and ability to think outside the box have taught me that it is not always necessarily the most obvious solution which is the best and that sometimes it is appropriate to rely on presentiment. I do not feel qualified to judge as a scientist, but as an individual I have always found him to be friendly, kind and helpful.
I shall leave the rest (funniest moment and quote from him) blank.

Ah, the absent supervisor!! It does sound a bit of a nightmare thing to have to fill in My supervisor was always in the lab (arggghhhhh) i was his first student so i guess we were both finding our feet. He has left science now and works in a school as careers officer type thing - sad really, but thats academia for you - to be avoided .

My PhD was in drosophila genetics, i basically counted flies for three years! or at least thats how it felt.

Dumdum - you wont upset us lovely, this is the thread to get it all out on, if you feel you want to. Thats what is is for - I hope you are getting better though, you don't derserve this :( none of us do.

Post long haul flight and I'm feeling very edgy. It's my first business trip since a psychotic high last year and I'm worried I'm going high again. Self-medicate or contact my psychiatrist?

It might be worth dropping them a line just to ask? How aware do you stay of when you are going high? As far as self-medicating goes, have you talked with anyone about that before? For example, I know my psych. tells her patients that after 2 days of no/poor sleep, then one should take something on the 3rd night.

MP - maybe it's a bit of jet lag - so maybe wait for a while and if you still think you are "going high" again then maybe contact the psychiatrist. Not sure what you mean by self-medicate. If it's about whether to take sleeping pills, then agree with Snowy - before I relapsed into depression and had poor sleep I used to cut 75mg zopiclone in half and that did the trick. The only good thing I can say about my relapse from which I haven't made a complete recovery is that I have good sleep. I know which I'd prefer!

The other thing is I think once we have experienced the torment of mental illness, we can sometimes imagine symptoms, though I suppose this happens with physical illness too.

keep punching myself - WTF? worse in the mornings

Offers self up as punch bag.

i am psyching myself up to ask for a move at work.

i really dislike the people i am stuck with - but i get on really well with some other people on a different group. i have more of their phone numbers than the people i work with and who are meant to have my back....its weird. but they are a weird bunch of people.....

i am also feeling in a slightly strange dilemma - my supervisor seems to not dare be alone in a car with me....we had a night out and he got pissed and tried to kiss me, all forgotten and dealt with next day - hunky dory - back to business as usual.
so i thought.
but the bloke seems to be scared to be anywhere in close proximity to me when other people are not around.....
this is going to compromise my safety.

im thinking this is a good enough reason to ask for a move - but i dont really want to bring it up.

feeling tired.

What do you mean Lem about punching yourself???!!

you ok lem?

Im fine. Just the last few days getting really anxious about normal tasks and hitting myself in frustration I guess. Its stupid I wont do it anymore

A move sounds like a good plan, vicar Good luck with getting it.

(((( LEM )))) Do see someone if you need to.

Indian takeaway this evening for me. I'm really stirred up by all the changes in cmht, which aren't being communicated.

How's everyone doing today? I'm very low, voices keep saying to cut my throat

Oh noooooo snowy - is the CPN coming in today - and I know you hate ringing CT but maybe you need to - failing that try listening to music as I think that helps to block the voices a bit. I'll look in on you again later.

Snowy, don't listen to the voices - they are fuckers and they don't have your best interests at heart (understatement!), but they are mischief makers and you are much much stronger than they are. What can you distract yourself with? A friend of mine is making a quilt - she makes it look easy and very therapuetic - relatively quick results, she is very crafty (in a good way!) and she says it helps her depression. I have no patience.

AF came to visit again today - i guess that explains my low mood this week - i think im going to have to go on search of the strings! Have to see Dr this week will mention this to her. My weight loss is frustrating me too - i feel like i have two extra adversaries, the citalopram and the mirena coil. I daren't not have either of those though.

I am listening to music, it is helping a bit, thanks both.

I haven't lost any weight at all, I keep slipping. ((( LEM and NN )))

Just popping by snowy - are you in bed yet. Have you managed to block out the voices enough to get to sleep. Thinking of you. Can you just do a small post so we know you're ok.

im sorry to crash again as i feel like things have moved on such a lot but im so sad.
ive cried all night at work. which is hugely embarrassing.

i hate my colleagues. they are just horrible. last night i went to a violent domestic on my own - because i was alone i couldnt arrest the suspect so arranged to get a statement from victim tonight and interview him tomorrow night.

i was only going to be tied up for an hour out of a 10 hour shift.

another colleague came in and started shouting and slamming things about saying saturday night is busy and "no one should be making fucking appointments"

we were not busy. i was not hte only member of our group to have a commitment.

i argued. he shouted. i lost my rag completely, stood up and shouted that i am fucking sick of this group.
i stormed off and moaned at sgt.
i told him i want a move and asked him to arrange a meeting with inspector.
there are a few lovely people on our group but most are hateful bullies and because im quite genteel they just pick on me because they know i dont fight back.

sgt had everyone into office which i didnt want - it will make things worse.
i just want out now.

ive spent hte entire night in tears. no one has spoken to me and i feel like a leper. sgt has really tried to put things right but he cant. i dont want to be there. ive told him i can come off ADs while im there.

i checked my crime list tonight and compared it to bully boys. i have more crimes on my list than him - im pulling more than my weight.
ive told sgt to look at my jobs and look at my results.
i feel belittled. stupid. and alienated completely. i work with really really odd people. ive never known anything like it.

last week bully boy got a domestic job - i offered to go instead. he decided before he even got htere than it was just "another typical whinging female"....seriously. i had to turn my radio down becuase he was being deliberatlely antagonistic and was getting on my tits quite frankly.
control complained about him.
he is a dick.
but im just so sad. my eyes are like piss holes in the snow and im not wanting to go back.
it ridiculous.
ive told sgt i will just work alone - even nights. im not bothered. i would rather be alone.
plus i think he is avoiding me like the plague since drunkenkissgate. he says he isnt.
he actually made a huge point of talking to me tonight which i found vaguely amusing....i told him during my rant that i didnt want him avoiding getting in a car with me....he was one of my allies and i feel like ive lost that now and that wasnt my fault either.
out of 6 people 3 are just plain bloody weird and bullies of the worst kind.

i feel crap. last night on here i helped advise a lady who had been assualted by her hubby. i couldnt go to bed. i was invested in getting her to get help.
yet at work im treated like a sodding leper. im normal. i know im normal and they arent.
but its hard work to keep going when they are so bloody awful to be around.

ive told sgt i want a move. i want off this group.
i will play the health card.
i actually feel such a fool - i know im good at my job - i know the occy health counsellor said she would rue the day i ever leave the job.
and yet i feel like a complete outsider.
im
im sorry for waffling i just had to get all this out somewhere.

Huge hugs vicar

my bloody twin again.

elements of what I'm going thru in my volunteer role. Being bullied. Pushed out. Want to walk away.

you know we'll listen. Rant away.

oh ed im so glad i still have you....

sometimes i feel like ive "lost" myself a bit here....thats not to say im not really really glad that these threads took off and have helped so many....because thats brilliant and im hugely proud of that.

but i feel so small....so insignificant. and a bit lost.

oh Vicar, its hard to be decent and not get diluted by the bravado and general herd mentality, but you do that. Yes you aren't gobby and bolshie, but in your quiet way you make a stand and I am so glad you do. I am so glad that there are police officers like you who do the job because they want to help people, not because of the power trip it gives them. Yes i can imagine that the job toughens you up and that you risk becoming desensitized the vileness in society. Never let that happen to you Vicar - you will have made a difference to that woman last night, you will be her first step to a new and happier life, she will know that she can turn to the police and someone will listen and give her advice on what she needs to do to keep herself safe.

I am glad you have asked for the move - don't back down, don't think you can just put your head down and think you can carry their crap - you don't have to do that. You are stronger now - its time for a new and positive start. Don't let them bring you back down

Ed its so good to see you - i often wonder about you. Tell me about the voluntary post.

((( Vicar )))

I'm dealing a lot with the police atm re DV and child abuse of various sorts, and am aghast at the huge amount of misogeny and minimizing of domestic abuse that goes on. Women police officers have been awesome.

Dont.Give.Up.

But, protect yourself and your mental health. It sounds like they have pushed you to the limit.
Hold out for a transfer, but go sick if you need to...

Love to you all. Lurking and thinking of you all.

LEM I've pm'd you. I can't put it on a public forum.

but hoochy is right.

this is what I have been told - you have to protect your mental health first and foremost.

This is what I am trying to keep in mind when making my decision.