Is anyone around? I feel like I need to talk about my counselling session today.

[mosp]

I don't really know if this is the 'done thing', but I still feel quite shaky about it.

I spoke to her briefly this evening and she did assure me that she is perfectly in control of her own boundaries so if she agrees or suggests a course of action, even if it necessitates extra work for her, I don't need to worry about it or feel guilty. I felt more at peace hearing that.

Re the meds, I was SO different to the real me on sertraline. I am convinced that it would hamper any counselling success were I to resume taking it. Plus, though it was comfortable feeling so 'neutral' all the time (when I took the sertraline), I realise now that the bare facts remained (and do remain) the same.

Erm...trying to think of how to explain what I mean. If I was on a sinking ship, being on sertraline might make me not care so much. However, the truth is still the same. The ship is still sinking whether I care much about it or not. In a similar way, though the sertraline may dull my sense of self-loathing for a time, the fact remains that I am still crap/defiled/useless etc. etc. (whether I feel it or not).

Does that make sense?

(yego - how is your shoulder?)

That's the word I was looking for, boundaries. Good glad you are more at peace with that now. I do understand re the sertraline but wondered if worth considering an alternative.

Must go to sleep, lots of driving tomorrow - dropping DD off at my dads en route to see Grandma (who has been walking!!! we are really pleased) - so prob 2 hrs there and an hour back to my dads where we will sleep over.

Yego I hope your shoulder is ok, did you manage to avoid the arm under pillow thing? V hard to break out if your default sleep position I imagine.

Hope you both have a good sleep and a good day tomorrow.

I hope you have a fab day tomorrow, especially seeing your wonderful grandma!! Take care, and yes - get plenty of sleep so you can drive safely.

I'm not going - have had a horrid cold for ages, thought I was fighting it off earlier in the week but last night and this morning I have a nasty wheezy cough. So definitely not the time to visit the sick and elderly. Ah well, I am using the day to sit in my pyjamas get the house in order. I know this is sheer laziness but my mum did pay for a cleaner for me for ages when I was poorly, they have stopped recently and I struggle to get going with any cleaning. So the house is quite horrid Can anyone give me a kick up the bottom? I have dusted in DDs room and done a load of washing. Really need to change beds, vacuum and mop. Plus I have Antiopdean xmas cards to write and post...

I know that feeling very well, of loads to do but just can't get started (or keep taking coffee breaks). Reminds of revising for exams!
Shame you didn't go, but wise decision not to.
Have you got a list of chores? The sense of achievement when ticking them off often spurs me on :)
Failing that, here's a kick up the backside for you:

...oh no, sorry! That was cake!

How is the cleaning going, big? I decided to leave changing beds and keep putting off the vacuuming and mopping too.

This is the first day for ages that I haven't cried nearly all day for no apparent reason. Slept basly - need to not sleep on side with sore shoulder at all. It still hurts ro brush teeth/hair but I didn't wake up with it being the first thing I thought of.

(I'm thinking I have lupus because I get flare-ups of depression, fatigue/slowness/tiredness and other symptoms and already having trwatment for another auto-immune disease and am likely to get others.

)

Sorry got distracted mid sentence.

mosp how are you getting on? I have managed to finish making and wrapping/presenting the soaps. I found the largwr mould I had lost and made bigger soaps to go with the bigger bags I've made and all's good.

Should really go and do some wrapping now.

ROFL at "oh no, sorry! That was cake!"

yego I am really sorry I didn't realise at all how bad you have been feeling And I am sorry about your physical health problems too that sounds grim. Glad you have had a better day today though. Can you manage to change your sleeping position to give your shoulder a break?

Today I have achieved the following:

Washed and (crucially) hung up a load of washing
Dusted (yes, dusted !!!) in DD's room
Wrote and posted antipodean christmas cards (a day or two after the recommended posting dates, but still a first for me!)
Took bag of stuff to charity shop
Had lunch out with DD (panini and chips, was v nice)
Went to library, returned books and came home with 6 new ones
Read all 6 books to DD
Played with DD's friend across the road

I am ignoring the grimy bathroom, bitty carpets and slightly stale bedlinen.

Ward closed due to infection so not going to see Grandma tomorrow. DH out on all day piss up wholesome Christmas celebration with his idiot lovely friends so will have evening to myself at home - and I will get started on my sewing. Might post pics if the new photo thing is working again.

yego your soaps sound lovely, pic please?

You've done loads, Big!
Mostly, I've:

Found a wash in the machine from a couple of days ago, put it on to rewash. got it out and hung it up about 6 hours later (I'd forgotten it again until I read you'd done some washing!)
Found out my phone charger had broken so sorted that out.
Picked up parcel from sorting office (have had ticket since Monday).
Made 3 more soaps and wrapped last ones up. I discovered a special little thing about soaps. Promise you won't tell anyone, it can be our little secret: You know those little gold edible stars you can get? They are really pretty in clear soaps!
Finished crocheting last soap bag.
cooked lunch
Sorted some more pressies out. I think I must have zoned out a bit this afternoon. Can't remember what I did!
I got changed and did some (paid) work at home.
Showed Dd how to finish off her mug cozy.
Went to fish & chip shop.
DH was home when I got back (he works away in week) so we all kicked back and relaxed.

I have done more today than the whole of Monday - Thursday put together.

yego that sounds like a lovely and productive day, made me smile. I really want to see your soaps! Have never tried making any myself but have seen slow cooker recipes etc and toyed with the idea....

How are you mospy ?

yego, I'm glad yesterday was better for you. It made me feel really sad that you've been so distressed these last few days, and also made me realise what a love you are - that you still found emotional energy to post kind things on this thread.
I would also love to see pics of those soaps. I wish I could crochet.

big, well done for getting SO much accomplished yesterday!! And you did well for not going so overboard with the chores that your dd missed out on your attention. You seem to have your priorities all straight :)

I have a long list to wade through today.

Was feeling quite anxious last night and didn't have it in me to post. My dd1 is away at the moment and as we were skyping I was overwhelmed with love for her and then FEAR that something is going to happen to her before I see her again. This is all based on absolutely NO evidence at all! (Don't worry - I didn't tell her that)

Well done for not telling your dd about your fear, mosp. It could make her worry about you.

I get all kind of irrational fears. Mostly I can have a word with myself but when dealing with the unknown (when you've had a traumatic experience) it takes some considerable effort sometimes to believe that everything will be alright.

I am sure your dd is safe and with people who will be looking after her, and having a good time. They gain so much from time away (and seem to grow) it is a good thing to do.

Evening all, have lurked today because TBH I couldn't be bothered to do a proper post on my phone - it's fine for quickies or if desperate but I am so so much better on my laptop. So you lucky things get a much longer post

Mosp being a parent is frankly terrifying. I imagine there's hardly a parent alive who doesn't worry for no real reason about something awful befalling their DCs. I know I do - the trick is not to dwell on it which is much easier to do when you are feeling good in general. And I am sure you are right yego when you have experienced a trauma it must be all the worse. Her being away must be hard - what's she doing? Hope she is having a good time. You seemed a bit better earlier on Friday (I did notice you made a joke ) so I hope your anxiousness of the evening hasn't stuck with you. When will she be home?

How are you feeling today yego? How is the shoulder? And how are you emotionally? I hope you've had another better day. It must be hard with DH working away all week.

I've had a nice day today - v lazy morning in my jammies, then DH went out with his friends at lunchtime, DD and I went to the greasy spoon at the end of our road for lunch. She cuddled up on my lap and went to sleep which was actually so lovely - took me right back to when she was a baby . Eventually I woke her up and we continued on our planned trip to the park. We saw the resident heron fishing off the little island, and (and this made my day) I saw a kingfisher in the lake. I have never seen one before and was gobsmacked as they normally live by running water. Lovely . Came home, put together some pre cut paper bunting with DD which we then used to decorate the guinea pigs' cage. Had pizza for our tea and she has gone to bed.

mosp I loved that you said this "you did well for not going so overboard with the chores that your dd missed out on your attention. You seem to have your priorities all straight" - yep, that was exactly what I planned

Today I've:

done a load of normal washing
stripped and remade both beds, and now my whites (our bedding and shower curtain etc) are washing
cleaned the bath as otherwise DD would have got out dirtier than she went in
Once I finish this post I shall get cracking on this changing bag I'm making for DD's baby doll. Wanted to post pics of the fabrics to show you but photo thing has vanished again.

Hope you are both ok and having a relaxing evening.

Good to see you big. Loving your updates.

I haven't done much today, rested when I could. Added soap photos to my profile.

Today is a mixed bag emotionally. Complicated though, so won't go into details on here.

mosp If you're reading, hugs to you and hope that you are able to find happy distractions and ways to relax. I do appreciate this thread. Summing up the will and words to encourage and finding something positive to say is sometimes hard for me, but really it is a good thing for me to do, and a gift to myself as well. This is a safe place for me that you've made here. So thank you.

yego, I love them!! Your lucky recipients!!

Tbh, every time I think about the thing with my dd, I go cold and sweaty with fear. I have kind of convinced myself to prepare for disaster. I don't know what I will do without her :(

To explain, she is on a kind of exchange. She's in Germany at school for 6 months so that she can get fluent. Meanwhile, I am looking after her cousin (from Germany) who is at school here (and improving his English). Dd2 did the same earlier this year.

Still working my way through the book my counsellor lent me. "8 keys for safe trauma recovery". I'm starting to realise a very sad truth: On one level, I don't want to recover. I'm so used to my status and my reality, I'm scared of what I might find if I ever change.

How have you been with your shoulder yego? And by the way, I'm pleased if this thread has been a help for you too.

Big, you've had another amazingly productive day! You're on a roll :)

I was so busy all day, I forgot to eat. Then it got to 9pm and I was at a concert. Ended up eating truck loads of canapes in the interval, I was so hungry! [naughty]

yego They look amazing!!! You are so clever, I would be absolutely delighted to receive one of those beauties Your profile made me laugh too (PT Cat herder !)

You are a lovely person. Sorry you have had a difficult day, I hope you have a good sleep tonight. Glad you are getting something out of this thread, I was wondering earlier whether my updates are too bright eyed and bushy tailed, and might be irritating if you have been feeling pants that day. Please tell me if that is the case! I am sure the time will come when I am the one doing the leaning. I love our thread. Night night both

mosp only just realised we Xposted last night! 6 months is a long time for her to be away so young - brilliant thing to do but totally understandable that you are finding it tough. I thought she was away for a week or something! Quite apart from worrying about her you must miss her enormously. I bet this will be really really good for you both though. Have you spoken to your counsellor about how anxious you have been about DD1?

I am a bit tired this morning - DD has a lovely t shirt with a butterfly applique on it which is beaded and sequinned - she has outgrown it so last night I cut the applique out, and sewed it onto a new long sleeved t shirt in a v close colour. I am pleased with the outcome, fingers crossed she will like it! Anyway the upshot of that was that I started work on the bag quite late and didn't go to bed til half 2 Have made good progress though - the quilted outer part of the bag is done

Hope you both have a good day today.

I wish I was good at sewing like you! Your dd is lucky to have a talented mother!

How are you feeling today yego?

I just had the neighbours round for a drink and a chat. They've lived next door for 4 years and this is the first time I (or either of us) has organised to get together! Terrible really, as we do get on well when we see each other going in or coming out etc.

Shoulder is still sore. Have had a few much needed laughs today and managed to get down to the sports club the DCs go to and socialise a little. Still had enough energy to go out for a meal, which was lovely. Now I'm in bed with the cat snuggled up with me. I've made a start on my next ceaft projects: thin fingerless wool gloves and a waffle stitch mobius scarf for DD2. She said she liked one we saw in a shop and I decided I could have a go waffle stitch is new to me, so I'm picking it up from YouTube. So far so good. There's a small mistake in the first row, but I don't think she'll mind.

Wow sounds like you have both had very lovely and sociable days. Well done mosp for inviting your neighbours round - that's a really nice thing to do. Yego sports club and dinner - very impressive! I presume you are knitting for your DD? Sounds lovely and I am sure she will not even spot your wee mistake. mosp I'm not at all sure I could be classed as talented, but I do enjoy making stuff Will post a photo when finished. Wishing you both a peaceful slumber x

Hello mosp and yego how are you both doing this week? I have kept checking thread for messages but not got round to posting myself. Hope you are both ok and yego your shoulder is a bit better and mosp you are feeling alright after your session yesterday.

It's my 37th birthday on Sat. We're off to my Mum's tomorrow, and we are all getting the train into London on Sat to see the Sadlers Wells production of The Snowman. Will be lovely.

Wishing you both love and festiveness

Happy birthday big!!

I'm struggling so bad. Can't even really type it. This is going to eventually kill me :(

Happy birthday for Saturday big!

I should be getting a call back from GP today to talk over finding out what else is wrong with me. I am a bit nervous about it but DH keeps saying there's nothing wrong with me. He thinks that will help. (When I told him I think I have lupus, he said, 'is that the one where you turn into a werewolf?'

mosp So sorry you've been struggling. Take one day at a time, that is all any of us can do.

Mospy massive hugs to you. It won't kill you unless you let it. Just take one day at a time, post here if it helps, and know we are thinking of you xxx feel free to pm if you prefer

Yego was your DH serious about there being nothing wrong with you? It doesn't sound like nothing to me. Good to get it investigated as fully as possible as I am sure a diagnosis would help (provided they don't announce that you actually are a werewolf )

Just got back from epic trip to see my grandma. She was rushed into a main hosp last night with elevated heart rate and trouble breathing. She's ok now and back at the cottage hosp but I decided I should go just in case. I'd never regret going, but I might seriously regret not going, IYSWIM. 6hrs driving and spent an hour with her - knacks ring but well worth it.

Off to bed now but thinking of you both xx

mosp sorry if my post last night was a bit flippant sounding and unhelpful. You're having a really bad patch aren't you. I really do wonder if you ought to go to the GP again xxx