Is anyone around? I feel like I need to talk about my counselling session today.

[mosp]

I don't really know if this is the 'done thing', but I still feel quite shaky about it.

I'm not brave! I'm just a mess.

We were (again) trying to piece together what happened on that night, partly by looking at what I wrote in my diary three days later when my friend confronted him. They had quite a dialogue. It just makes me so confused. He contradicts himself. First he says that he did nothing that I was not alright with, but then says that he didn't have sex with me. I don't know what to believe.

I am planning to travel to his country and try to find him and make him give me some answers.

It also makes me feel weird looking at a 16 year old photo and having no idea how different he now looks.

Do you not think he would just deny deny deny? There's nothing in it for him if he admits it other than the threat of prosecution. What would you hope to get out of it?

Just wanted you to know that I am still here mosp.

Thank you!
I think I have probably written TMI on this thread. I don't know. Just seem to be unable to judge these things when I'm feeling so upset.

Yesterday she was telling me various comments that her supervisor had made about the situation. I wish I had written them down. It kind of helped explain rationally why I couldn't have done more to save myself, even though I still feel I should have been able to put up a better fight.

Everything contradicts in my head. And I still don't know what happened exactly or even if he was completely successful or only partially.

Thank you for listening to my rambling.

Ask her to email you a summary of what her supervisor said. And feel free to PM if you'd rather talk off board. Got to go now but will check in later

Yes, ask for an email or take something like a diary to write short notes in.

Good idea yegods

Well, I had a day off work today so spent it alone in a cafe writing and writing. I think I remembered most of what I wanted to record.

One of the interesting comments that came back to my mind was that he had a kind of magic. I have often thought that myself, but this comment was from my counsellor's supervisor. It is the only explanation for why I am still madly in love with a man who behaved so brutally towards me.

I also found time to go to Jessops and get a print out of the photo.

Hello there, glad you're still here. Sounds like having the day to yourself was really helpful. How is your DD?

I am convinced your feelings of love for him must relate to the attack. You said before that you were unbothered about him beforehand. What do counsellor and supervisor think? I am thinking something along lines of Stockholm syndrome whereby creating feelings of love and attachment for someone makes the unbearable easier to deal with.

What happened afterwards? Did you become a couple? How did he treat you?

Yes, the Stockholm syndrome does seem to ring true, although it was not like I was a physical captive (though I felt like a captive). What happened afterwards was that he kind of stalked me and kept on trying until I gave in and talked to him. Then we kind of became like a couple, despite myself. It was horrifying. My friends didn't know what to do with me. He continued to abuse and control me. I only protested feebly to the sex though; I didn't have the spirit to try to fight. Plus, he would have looked elsewhere if I didn't cooperate, and I needed him to want me as he took my virginity.
You're right, I felt nothing for him before. I knew his name but that was about it.

Before, I was a hardworking, careful and diligent person. I think I was pretty sensible about the things that mattered.
Afterwards, I turned into another person. Someone who I was watching on a screen as though she was not me. I risked STI's and pregnancy over and over :(

This *>>>I needed him to want me as he took my virginity

I know you're right, but I still can't snap out of it :(

Thank you for being there xx

Though there was never any doubt that I was never willing. In fact, he begged me to have sex with him willingly, "just once".

Oh love I don't expect you can 'snap out of it' - if only it were that simple, a lovely lightbulb moment where you can suddenly just move on from it all.

You are however working through it, in counselling, on your own and on here. I am glad to be able to be here for you and I hope it is helping you somewhat. I just want to give you a big hug (but I might get banned)

Sorry X posted

Jesus that is bloody awful. So there is no way whatsoever that he could have convinced himself you were in any way anything other than his victim, for the entire duration.

Thank you. I would accept the hug :)

This is totally ridiculous! It is 16 years later!!! My only excuse for that is that I kind of put my feelings about it on hold for years while I survived my ex h's abuse and brought up the kids.

They are 11 and 12 now, and I'm sure they suffer from me being like this. My dd2 often voices her fears that I'll disappear and kill myself, and especially recently as a local mum actually did do that.

She asks me often to promise I won't. I always reply that I don't plan it (but I wonder how true that is).

Look, as my friend always says, "it is what it is". You have been through so much and only now are you ready to tackle this. That will benefit your DCs in the long run of course. And in the meantime you have left an abusive marriage thus protecting your DCs and setting them an excellent example of what is not acceptable behaviour in a relationship. IMO you did v v well to escape from your ex-h especially given your previous trauma. Think about what you have achieved, rather than what you haven't yet recovered from.

Just scanning through your previous posts and found this one which I think is really key: I believe I had memory gaps even by the next day (when I would have written it) and instead of recognising that, I just wrote what I did remember and filled in the gaps with what seemed to fit with my level of distress. You were immediately traumatised and affected by what he did to you, so it is no wonder that you changed so instantaneously.

I hope you will forgive me for saying this, but I suspect your promises not to disappear are not convincing your DD. You are doing so well, and you need to make a conscious decision that that is not an option for you. Would you say you are having intrusive thoughts? Have you discussed this with your counsellor or GP, lovely?

urgh bold fail.

You are being so kind, sticking around and talking to me!

I know she is unconvinced. She's a sensitive sort, and she picks up on things that I didn't think I had ever mentioned overtly in her hearing. I must just be a lousy mother :(

On one hand, I know that I don't have the option to kill myself. My dds have nobody else, and I can't risk their father getting his hands on them. On the other hand, there are times when I feel I'm not in my own body and I daydream of ways to go.

I think it is really important that you speak to your GP about these thoughts. Really really important. Can you book an appointment tomorrow?

Really, there is no point.

mosp I am worried about you Have you spoken to the counsellor about these daydreams?

Also, one of my friends (who knows about this) is a GP. She would probably act if she thought I should be sectioned or something