Is anyone around? I feel like I need to talk about my counselling session today.

[mosp]

I don't really know if this is the 'done thing', but I still feel quite shaky about it.

Go yego. Remember you are awesome for whatever it is that you are doing. There's nothing like being there for someone in need.

Mosp, I have no idea if this is totally unhelpful but is there any way you could contact a local hypnotherapist re your trigger word & see if they'd be willing to give you a discount , take payment at a much later date if it helps or trade a session or two in exchange for your skills? (Bake a cake, iron some shirts, whatever). It may sound odd but you've got nothing to lose for asking & Don't ever underestimate the kindness of strangers. You are heading towards being in control of what happened to you & being able to overcome a phobia may help in some way in your journey.

I think you're incredibly brave to do what you're doing & hope you're feeling ok today. I haven't really any personal experience but take it one day at a time & be gentle with yourself. Treat yourself how you'd want your children to be treated & carry on posting, you've been getting good advice x

evelynj, I think I will be best waiting a few years for hypnotherapy. I'm quite scared of it really - the process itself and also what I might discover, memory-wise. I hope that I might be able to overcome the phobia word by the counselling. Maybe that is unrealistic.

big, how is your grandma?

Hi mosp, weirdly this thread completely disappeared for me and I had to search your username to find it! Grandma is doing surprisingly well, thank you for asking. How are you today?

How peculiar that it disappeared for you, but glad you managed to find it!

I'm alright today. Chasing my tail trying to get about a million jobs done (mostly self-inflicted, like hand making Christmas gifts). Church was fab today (as it pretty much always is) and my house looks all pretty and sparkly. :) Thanks for checking in.

How are you doing?

(I just realised that looks like what Joey from Friends would say!)

It's still not on my threads list! Have alerted MNHQ. We are all coldy but had a lovely weekend staying with friends in Hampton - went to Kew Gardens, lovely illuminated walk, carousel, helter skelter and a really lovely Santa's Grotto - DD (3.8) said "It was really nice to meet Santa, Mummy" - I will be gutted when she grows out of all that stuff

Grandma is amazing everyone with her recovery, she has even been out of bed and 'shuffling around' - what a trouper, and an inspiration (as well as being a massive relief of course). Am hoping to visit on Sat but won't go if still coldy as don't want to pass on.

Had a revelation at lights out last night - I am feeling contented! Hurrah for Sertraline. And thanks for your advice and support.

I love having the Christmas decs up, it makes everything lovely and cosy at home doesn't it. Glad you are doing ok (although get what you are saying re home made gifts, I have still not started with mine, eek!)

I should be making gifts but need a couple of clear hours to clear up the mess, so keep putting it off.

Big, do you think you could have clicked on 'hide'by mistake so this thread doesn't show up on your lists? Just a though. It is rhe kind of thing I keep doing! (Glad your grandma is doing well, she sounds terrific!)

Big, I am SO happy that you are now in a contented frame of mind :) That is such good news!!

I didn't make much headway today with my chores (but that's alright because I had a long telephone convo with my best friend ever).

This evening, dd and I iced the Christmas cakes and she decorated them with sugar paste holly leaves and berries.

Yego, hope you are making progress with your gift-making :)

Yego you are a genius! Kate Mumsnet has revealed to me how to unhide a thread previously hidden by sausage fingers . How are you doing today?

mosp sounds lovely and festive at home, is everyone happier? You've got counselling tomorrow haven't you?

What are you both making? I am meant to be doing a changing bag and baby bjorn type thing for DD's new baby doll so I had really better get cracking - have left it way too late as usual. Tell me what you've been doing to get me inspired to start.

I've accidentally hidden my own thread in the past! (Not this one). I forget how I got it back. Glad you got it sorted big

I am just making edible treats to make up mini hampers for some of my friends. The only trouble with that is that I can't do too much in advance do I have to get the timing right.

The Christmas after I escaped from exh (in 2003), I was feeling SO joyful and full of emotional energy, I hand stitched a fabric advent calendar. Nowadays, I wonder how on earth I found the time!!

Yes, counselling tomorrow. Feel both excited (because it is always good to see her) and apprehensive (because I generally spend the next day in or close to tears).

What time is your session? Come here if you need to offload. I hope it goes well. I am off to bed now as was still wide awake at 4am so I am exhausted.

I just have fat fingers and a very tiny keypad on my phone, big! (But if Mumsnet towers would like to pay me for a few hours a day, I am available if worki g from home!)

I've been making some smelly soaps and crocheted little bags to put them in (makes them into scrubby things and they hang in the shower nicely). Only the bags I've made are mostly too big because I cant find the big soap mould I've just bought. Have got all the soaps wrapped and labelled though. Can't decide whether to make more so haven't packed away and so place is a tip.

Other than that am a bit low for no particular reason and my shoulder joint keeps playing up annoyingly.

Oh sorry to hear you are feeling low yego . It can be a viscious (sp) cycle with mess, pain and feeling low. Will come back later and see how you are.

Good evening friends. How are you both this evening? Mosp I hope your session was ok/constructive and you are not feeling too wrung out. Yego I hope you are feeling a bit better now.

My house is still a tip and I haven't started on my sewing but OTOH DH is removing DD from our bed so I am about to get in it. I am just shaking off a horrible cold and still feeling knackered. Just made plans to go and visit my Grandma on Friday so that's good. Wishing you both a peaceful night x

Hi. I am kind of here. Today was not hard in any way I can pin point, but I still feel wretched.
Hope you both alright. yego, are you feeling better today?
Thanks for being there big

Hey mosp . Sorry you are feeling down today. Try to get a decent sleep (she says, still up 2 hrs after meaning to go to bed). Tomorrow is another day x

I am just wasting her time. I can't even identify properly what is the matter with me. I'm not a real person :(
She spends so long trying to help me. She's too nice and I don't deserve it.
I need to admit defeat now.
I need to acknowledge that I am a pathetic person who can't move on from a trivial thing SIXTEEN years ago. Let's face it, it wasn't so terrible compared to most people's problems. Even when I compare it with what my ex did to me, I know which was worse (more life threatening/abusive/cruel).
So why oh why don't I just pull myself together?

Hugs!

Some truths for you to tell yourself gently:

You are not wasting anybody's time. It takes a lot of time, it is not wasted (but will remain unresolved if you give up now.)
How can a patient identify what is the matter with them? Is that necessarily something that is relevant? (There is nothing 'the matter' with you, your body is doing what all bodies do and you are doing the best you can to deal with the healthy, natural scarring. It is like removing scar tissue, but it cannot be done surgically. You don't get this way from a trivial thing'.)
You are still in transition as a person. You cannot be pinned down.
She isn't 'too' anything and neither are you.
You do not need to admit defeat ever. This isn't going to just go away, but it will get better.
You are not pathetic. Do not say that to yourself again. It isn't a nice thing to say to a person, and certainly not to someone who is down because of being mistreated.
(Something happened to me 28 years ago that I still have not fully recovered from and never will completely. That does not make me a pathetic person, even though to most people (including the rest of my first family) it is considered a trivial thing. It wasn't about the thing, it was about the events leading up to it and afterwards and how it changed a key relationship in my life. It affects how I relate to everyone else, including my children. That is why it is important to keep on with the counselling.)

You are pulled together. You're just reassessing and you are still in the part where 'it is harder' before it gets better. It will get better, but there is no rushing it. You must rest and not dwell on it between sessions.

I've read that limiting yourself to just 10 minutes morning and afternoon to think any negative thoughts is extremely helpful.

(My shoulder is still painful. I am going to see if I can avoid putting my arm under my pillow when I sleep and see if that helps at all. It is getting me down because I am scared it could be the start of something like lupus).

I'm so sorry about your shoulder! That must be miserable :(

You are so kind to reply. I wish I could believe what you say. I just feel hopeless. (And I don't deserve people like you either).

Lovely post, yego and great advice. Mosp have another hug - you so are a real person and you completely deserve to feel better. The counsellor is being paid you know, you are not wasting her time at all - look how far you have come. You have felt better since the start of your thread, and now you are experiencing a low again. This too shall pass. Try to do something nice today - maybe have warm mince pies and hot choc with the girls after school. Much love x

PS sorry about your shoulder yego have you seen anyone about it? What makes you worry it's lupus?

mosp Sat 30-Nov-13 00:20:44
Goodness, I am glad your grandma is alright big. You must have been worried.

I am feeling alright in the head at the moment, but it definitely fluctuates. When I first started this thread, I was feeling very shaken (which is why I started it).

^See, you do feel ok sometimes. I do wonder my lovely whether you should think about speaking to the doc about meds again. I totally understand what you were saying before re not numbing your feelings and needing to work through them properly but I also think that you might need a bit of help riding out these peaks and troughs you are going through. Perhaps a different med or a lower dosage might suit you better and you might find that you get more out of the counselling if you feel a bit stronger in general.

Also, you are my first 'friend' on MN and I think you are lovely.

Thank you. You made me cry with that!!
I'm supposed to be working right now. Will try to write more later. Hugs.

Hello, how was your day in the end? Did you manage to do anything nice?

Well, I just got off skyping my dd1.

I had a friend round for a cuppa tea, but apart from that I've just been working (out and at home).
My counsellor lent me a book called '8 keys to safe trauma recovery'. I might try to read some of that now.
Next week she has suggested that we spend longer (so, nearly two hours rather than one) so that we can write a chronological account of my 'relationship' (very much in inverted commas because I can't think what else to call it) and then try to work out what was his fault and what was mine.
This is partly why I feel bad. She works SO hard for me. She will be trawling through the diary in advance, plus spending longer (but not charging more). Yesterday she had also worked on my behalf in advance of me coming.
She is so kind and I don't deserve it. What if I don't get well again? Then it will have all been for nothing :(
She told me yesterday that she can see in my eyes that I'm still mad about him.

I don't think people go into counselling to make big bucks or to give people a quick fix. It takes a certain kind of person to be able to do that, and you know she will be having regular 'supervision' sessions to make sure she is looking after herself and not draining herself with her work? Ultimately she is choosing to go the extra mile to help you - I would imagine because she can see that you are worth it and knows how hard you are working to process everything.

I'm not very articulate tonight but I guess I'm trying to say don't worry about your counsellor, she is a big girl and can look after herself, and she has chosen this job because she finds it rewarding.

Did you think about what I said re meds?