Is anyone around? I feel like I need to talk about my counselling session today.

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I don't really know if this is the 'done thing', but I still feel quite shaky about it.

Hope you both have a good weekend.

Keep posting, mosp, let us know how you're getting on.

Doc said (on the phone) unlikely to be lupus as I have had a test (related to other auto immunity) which was negative. He's given me an appointment next week. Now of course, my shoulder is feeling much better and I'm feeling guilty that I'm taking up an appointment as rare as hen's teeth based on a collection of minor ailments. It's a viscious circle.

Im all too familiar with that feeling of wasting professional's time. Avoidance is not an option though. Avoidance results in life limiting choices to just cope and get by. I must go to the appointment.

Mosp, how lovely for your daughters to be bilingual and have access to such a great education! One of my DC's friends is bilingual and I think she will probably do something similar in a year or two. It must be very hard for you, and it is a testament to your courage and coping abilities that you are able to arrange this for both your children. You have gone through this with one child already, so you know it will be alright this time as well. It must be fun to have a video link with your child like that.

Happy birthday for today big!!!! I hope you are having fun. How was The Snowman production??

Sorry for being a bit off radar. I was feeling quite bad. Can't really describe it, but just couldn't bring myself to try to explain it so I hibernated. Can't say how I feel right now. Just a bit hollow I suppose.

I have been listening to good uplifting music, which has helped a lot though :) Also, had a conversation with one if our ministers at church, and something clicked in my head that I have probably been told time and again! That's just the way it is sometimes, isn't it?! It was a bit of a weird conversation because, though he knows I'm 'not alright', he doesn't know any details (of course, because I barely tell anyone in rl).

yego, I'm glad your shoulder has been less sore, but I agree that you should still go to your appointment. It's Sod's law though, isn't it - that the symptoms disappear just as you need them to prove they are real!

Looking forward to our church carol service tomorrow. Are you going to a carol service?

Happy Birthday big!

Hello!

yego, when is your appointment? Hope it goes well for you.

big, did you have a fun birthday?

I'm okay. Just thought I should report that :)

Hello! Great to hear that you are ok mosp. You did really well to pull yourself up out of it. I am glad you talk with the minister helped you.

yego you are very wise. I am glad you don't have lupus, definitely go to the appointment and describe the pain even if it is not as bad now.

I had such a lovely birthday thank you, The Snowman was magical and I was entranced myself and also loved turning to watch DD's reaction - lovely.

Not long til Christmas now and I should be sewing instead of typing.... then there's all the wrapping to do - but I love it all, it's so worth it. Are your preparations going to plan?

I've still got loads of wrapping to do! And a little more shopping. I always try to be prepared in advance but it never happens!
Happy sewing :)

I've finished the changing bag! Baby carrier will have to wait til her birthday. Pic on profile. Hope you are both doing well x

That changing bag is amazing and looks professionally made!! Wow!

I hate to put a downer here (and I expect no one is around anymore) but I am not feeling alright. That is a huge understatement.

Weirdly, I was just thinking earlier today that I am much better. Then I had a HARD counselling session and now I feel suicidal. I mean, I am not going to actually kill myself because I don't have a choice (my dds) but I wish I was dead.

I am completely at fault. I brought the whole calamity down on myself. There is so much to unravel and I can't do it.

I had to go out and socialise this evening. It was torture. Even now, back home, I am not free to cry because dd2 is still awake.

Sorry lovely I've only just seen your post. Sorry you are feeling so dreadful. Hugs to you. If you can, try to remember that this comes in waves - you are in the grip of one now and if you can ride it out, the calm will come in between. Try to look back and remember times recently when you have felt better and take courage from that. You will come through it and live to fight another day. This does not mean you will never feel better again. Much love to you mosp

And I bet that the fact your session was so bloody hard means it was also very useful, even though it doesn't feel like that now. Would you be able to ask for another chat with your minister? It might be comforting for you and you wouldn't have to tell him anything you didn't want to

Thank you for being there.

I just wish it had never happened. My diary is shocking and makes me want to be sick. I have no one to blame but myself. How did I turn into a totally different person like that??? I hate myself. I need to cause some damage :(

Sorry, this prob makes so sense. I can't get my head straight.

Of course you wish that love, that's a completely sensible thing to wish. And I think I get why you are so angry with yourself. From what you've explained though here is my understanding:

He attacked you grievously which had an immense and immediate impact on your psyche

He then stalked you and ground you down when as a result of the emotional damage the attack had done you were unable to see or think clearly, and unable to keep yourself safe from him

Even so you continued to make it clear that you did not want his advances, but he forced then on you anyway.

Eventually you got shot of him - bloody well done

You then fell into a relationship with an abusive man - unsurprisingly by this stage you found it hard to see what was healthy and normal

But then - you got shot of him too!!!

You are now beating yourself over the head with all sorts of unhelpful thoughts about how it was all your fault.

Mosp I hope this outside view might help you a little bit tonight, please be kind to yourself and try to get some sleep. I'll be back tomorrow x

Ps in case it wasn't clear from my post I think you are a fighter and a survivor

Sadly it is more complex than that.

He stalked me unrelentingly. He looked so sad for weeks because I was refusing to speak to him. He spoke to all my friends and denied what he did/played it down.

I was softening towards him though. He ground my resolve right down. My friends half believed him. Eventually he had me right where he wanted me. I was a puppet. I hated myself because it seemed that I needed him to keep wanting me. I walked repeatedly into situations with him where I knew the outcome. My protests were weak and feeble.

Only after he had conquered me did he finally admit what he really did on that first night. But...I still can't remember because of the amnesia.

Honestly, if you saw my diary you would agree - this is ALL my own fault.

I'm weighed down with this. I feel I could literally collapse at any moment. I feel like smashing my head on a wall.

I have found that I blame myself as a coping mechanism for dealing with fear of the unknown. (If I was to blame, I can be in control, I can change and do things differently). However, blaming myself also makes me depressed as in another way, I am powerless to make effective change.

So, there might be things you can learn about from your diary that empower you to change and be able to, say, set boundaries. But you are not responsible for another person's actions. The puppet is not responsible for the puppeteer, and if he was manipulating your friends, you were coming across too many circumstances where you were being persuaded into falling for his traps. I don't see how his stalking or manipulation or agression is your fault.

There are relationships of codependency where one person plays,say, a passive role and another an active role. Is that the kind of thing you mean? You look back and think 'if only i had done this or said that it would have happened differently'? It isn't a choice you could have made though. Even if it were, beware of victim blaming. I've been in that kind of dance where in order to get out of it I needed to change my behaviour, and that had an effect on my partner's behaviour and so we then related to each other differently. My partner was not a stalker though, stalking is not part of building a relationship.

Wise post as always yego. I hope you're well.

Mosp I am sorry I over simplified it but I still stand by the gist of what I said - you were injured by the attack emotionally and intellectually (although invisible this is just as significant as a physical injury) which made you extremely vulnerable to this manipulative abusive man. And it was abuse, there is no doubt about that.

There are many many threads on here by women who stay in abusive relationships for some time. I am willing to bet you don't blame them for that and you really ought to cut yourself the same slack. Something I gained from my CBT was to try and treat myself as I would treat a friend. So things I was condemning myself for I would think what I'd say to a friend who had done the same, and suddenly I realised I was not as awful a person as I thought.

Give yourself a hug and hang in there - this too shall pass and you will feel better again.

This is going to kill me. And then they'll call me selfish. This is not something I can ever ever recover from.
Sorry. I honestly really do appreciate everyone's efforts to help me, both here and in rl. It is no one's fault that I am unhelpable. Sorry.

One day at a time. You have come such a long way, and tiu have accepted help offered and asked for help. You've got to an unexpected bumpy part of the journey and it's obscuring your view. None of us have a clear view of the future.

Lovely just hang in there and ride out this rough patch. You've felt like this before and come out the other side - read through our thread and you'll see that. We will be here for you to listen however you are feeling and whatever you want to say x

Thinking of you mosp

Thank you. I am just trying not to think about it and keep busy so that the intrusive thoughts are kept at bay.
Today is okay so far.
Thank you for caring.

The counselling is just so hard :(. I feel like I'm right back there and still trapped.

However, it is amusing when she comes to bits of my diary written in another language and trying to pronounce it ! I used to mix and match languages a bit, depending on whether I was relaying conversations or sometimes just because a word takes up less space (e.g. 'Rien' is shorter than 'nothing'). Well, in my defence, I never expected anyone else to ever read it!

yego, how is your shoulder?? And did you get any joy from your appointment? X

It is slowly getting better, too slowly for my liking but will get there. Dr says it is nothing serious, no infection or tears etc, and not arthritis or any reason to think it would happen again. I am still anaemic, probably the cause of the depression, poor memory, fatigue etc and so have upped dose of iron, and should take more if needed.

Oh that's positive then yego - I hope the iron helps you (watch out for constipation though, sorry if TMI but nobody warned me about that when on iron post birth (massive blood loss) and the consequences were the most hideous thing and now I always advise anyone on iron to have laxatives to hand).

Did he say what might actually be causing the pain in your shoulder? Have you tried osteopath/chiro/sports massage? I am v glad it's not lupus though. What is the AI disease you do suffer from?

Hashimotos. So that could be one cause of the low iron, and am just generally low/don't have enough. Yes, have the prune juice and califig and lots of fruit to hand!

Have tried chiro in the past for shoulder and have been doing exercises I remember, which help a lot. Just don't have the money for chiro these days.

Have new glasses on today, and getting a headache from them. Hope they settle in soon!