Is anyone around? I feel like I need to talk about my counselling session today.

[mosp]

I don't really know if this is the 'done thing', but I still feel quite shaky about it.

I suppose I just assume that either I'll recover or this will be the death of me. I'm trying, honestly. I don't feel depressed, I don't think.

I'm really sorry. Please don't let an internet random make you feel worried. (I'm amazed you can feel 'worry' on the sertraline, by the way. I never could!)

Ha not quite what I was getting at! Have you told her about these thoughts though?

Sorry I'm being v slow hence cross posts. Keep forgetting my tablets so have just put them on top of bedside cabinet rather than in the cupboard. Do feel SO much better though despite that.

I've told my friend, sort of in passing. Not told counsellor though. Only because we have such a lot to do in only one hour and it goes so quickly as it is! Plus, I don't really see it as something that can be helped in isolation.

God I'm still catching up here! I know you're trying, you are working so hard it is clear. But having intrusive thoughts is a red flag to me so might be worth speaking to GP or your friend in case meds might help support you through this eviscerating process x

I'm really really glad you're feeling the benefits of the AD's.

Thank you, it's weird because it's made how I felt before seem like a distant dream IYSWIM - I know I was feeling pretty bad but I can't recall the feeling itself. I am pretty chuffed that I 'caught it early' and took action straight away. I hid my depression for months after DD was born. DH has actually just had the snip so at least I know I won't have to go through that again - but that's another thread

I think I prefer to be off the meds while getting the counselling. When on sertraline, I can't cry or feel anything much positive or negative. Therefore, I don't think I would benefit from the counselling much and I would risk getting bad again when I came off them. Do you see what I mean?
Plus, believe it or not, I am way better now than I was a couple or three years ago. I was actively suicidal then, and constantly zoning out and getting flashbacks.

x post (again). It is such a relief that you caught it in time, and that you are on the way up :)
Those meds are powerful, aren't they?!

Yep, completely get what you're saying. You have to inhabit the feeling and recognise it in all its agony to be able to process it properly. You're a champ mosp x

I must go to sleep now, will check back tomorrow. Have a peaceful night x (not sure kisses are de rigeur on here but sometimes feels a bit blunt to sign off without)

Not been called a champ for ages (if ever)! Definitely better than being a chump or a chimp

You are a champ too!!

Better try to sleep now (although I'm not tired)

Morning - I must stop MNing at night, despite saying goodnight to you I was awake til gone 2am - stupid behaviour but I seem to get sucked in. I think it's a kind of hangover from the insomnia I used to struggle with. Anyway.

Hope you are ok this morning, have you got a busy day? It's my day off with DD (3.9) and no plans which is nice

Mosp and Big, you are both champs, for sure!

Mosp, you have come such a long way and I really admire you. You have endured such a difficult chapter in your life, and have managed to bring that chapter to an end and move on. You have brought yourself and your DCs to safety. Getting over the past now and working through it to the truth is the last part to the next new chapter of your lives together. Sorry to be rambling a bit. I didn't want to just post and run.

I'm glad you've got friends around you, and ones who would get help for you if they saw you were in danger. Your safety is very important. Hope you have something nice planned. (I am going to attempt to make some Christmas gifts, if I can fit it around my chores.)

I had my first counselling session tosay ssince I had to cancel them.

*yesterday, since the day I had to cancel them. (It was good!)

Glad your counselling session went well yegods

yego - so pleased your counselling has resumed. Actually, has it? Was yesterday a one off or are you going every thursday now? Has that other commitment come to a conclusion now?

Big - I was the same last night. Took ages to go to sleep, and then was up early. I'll probably pay for it later!

Got a friend coming round for tea tonight, which is a nice end to a long day. I have been teaching piano for three hours solid (and walked another 3 hours to get there and back). Got one more lesson to give - at my home this time, (in ten minutes time) and then I can relax!!!

Yes, should be every week, but will have to miss the odd one here and there for various reasons. Better than nothing. Still have the other commitment, which will continue for months if not years.

yegods I am pretty sure your other commitment is a Good Thing you are doing for someone else. So well done you. Brilliant to be back in counselling though even if you may have to miss some sessions.

mosp looking back through your thread you do seem better than you were at the beginning - or are you just giving the impression of? Hope you have had a lovely evening with your friend.

My grandma who is 95 fell and broke her femur earlier in the week and went into theatre at 1pm today to have it sorted. It is now 11pm and AFAIK she is still in there . Hope you don't mind me talking about this here - we expected her to be back on the ward around 6pm. I am just sat up waiting for news tonight.

Just heard she is back on the ward, phew.

Oh Big, sorry to hear about your grandma's leg op taking so long. An ordeal for any 95 year old, I should think. Hope that you dont have to wait too much longer for news.

(Yes, it is a Good Thing, and that's a good way to think about it too, because on the face of it, it really isn't.)

Good, glad to hear you can think of it as a Good Thing. Sorry you can't talk about it more freely (assuming that might be helpful to you) but feel free to vent about it in principle because in my book a daily commitment is a big one. I fed my neighbour's cat for 3 weeks and that was enough for me...

My Grandma is ok, she survived the epic op and was back on the ward around 11pm. So must have been in surgery about ten hours total. Bloody hell. Will see what tomorrow brings. At the end of the day, it is what it is - she is 95 and breaking your leg at that age is fraught with risk.

Hope everyone sleeps well.

Goodness, I am glad your grandma is alright big. You must have been worried.

I am feeling alright in the head at the moment, but it definitely fluctuates. When I first started this thread, I was feeling very shaken (which is why I started it).

Yego, I am pleased for you that your counselling is going to be regular.

I have been on my feet all evening. We (my friend and I) went late night Christmas shopping as my dd is at a friend's house for a sleepover, and then did a big supermarket shop. My feet feel like they're dropping off. I have also worked out that I have burnt nearly the same number of calories as I have eaten today! Just rectifying that with a lager :)

night night - i am shutting down now and taking half a zopiclone, off to visit friends tomorrow - have a good weekend.