Is anyone around? I feel like I need to talk about my counselling session today.

[mosp]

I don't really know if this is the 'done thing', but I still feel quite shaky about it.

[mosp]

I am alright. Got my counselling tomorrow though, and I always feel 'wobbly' for a couple of days after!

Last week, I looked on google maps at the place where it all happened, and I managed to retrace my steps of the fateful night. It didn't bring back any of the lost memories though! It was just really weird!

[BigArea]

"I am alright. Got my counselling tomorrow though, and I always feel 'wobbly' for a couple of days after!

Last week, I looked on google maps at the place where it all happened, and I managed to retrace my steps of the fateful night. It didn't bring back any of the lost memories though! It was just really weird!"

Good luck tomorrow. That was a brave thing to do, did you go on your own? Not sure from prev posts whether you have DP or just DC/s? I hope you are being kind to yourself.

[BigArea]

Sorry cross posted (re read prev posts before clicking send!)

[mosp]

ha ha. we both CPed it!

Yes, I 'went' alone. I'm a single mum so alone in the evenings (kids asleep)

[BigArea]

Hope today goes well mosp x

[BigArea]

Hello again, are you having a nice weekend? How did your session go this week?

[mosp]

Sorry I didn't reply. Weekend was so busy and then yesterday was so stressful (with my dd). I'm not feeling great right now. I've got that common complaint called 'motherhood'. Symptoms include: constant worry, self-doubt, feelings of perpetual guilt and fear for the future. Times like this, I wish I could go back on the sertraline and stay there forever!

[petsheep]

I am here to listening, if it is help, talk to me and everybody who is here .

[BigArea]

Hey mosp sorry I didn't reply earlier - had friends coming round so had to attend to sort the mess out!

Sorry you have had a stressful few days. You are so right re guilt etc and it must be hard not to have someone to dilute the effect for you occasionally. I don't think the winter helps either.

Why was yesterday stressful with DD?

[mosp]

I can't cope with her. She can be so vile to me whenever I try to get her to pull her weight/do her homework. She was throwing things across the room and generally making herself as impossible as and knew how. Calling me names and just refusing to cooperate. She is 11!!
There is more, but I have to go right now...(friend just arrived)

[Apparentlychilled]

Hi mosp, just wanted to let you know there's another friendly ear here if you want it.

I can really relate to wanting to feel fixed - there have been times w my counsellor that I doubted it was possible. And some days it still seems impossible. But other days I feel better and even have glimpses of 'normal'. You sound like you're doing so well- you should be proud of yourself.

[mosp]

Thank you. I am just weary now. Dd was better behaved after school today (but that is to be expected - she follows a predictable pattern and generally speaking she always feels repentant after a fiasco as we had yesterday).
I still feel emotionally battered by it.
Counselling tomorrow.
If only I could have some time away, alone with paper, pens and a pile of good books!

[mosp]

Thank you chilled and everyone else. All friendly ears appreciated. It is good to talk about it all anonymously!

[livingzuid]

mosp I read your thread and really relate. I am seeing a psychologist for childhood trauma. We have dissassoiative behaviour you and I. My childhood events relate to someone completely different who I cannot relate to at all. My brain had been firmly sealed on three years of my life that comes back in flashes when I least expect it. I also doubt sometimes what happened as I see it through the eyes of a small girl and even wondering wildly if I'm making it up.

We aren't making it up - it's our minds way of helping us deal with things. Lord knows it is easier to not think or deal with it but it sounds like you have a great counsellor who makes you address things but at a pace you can cope with. An hour a week is what I have as well and sometimes even an hour every other week if she feels I need a break.

It's far and away the hardest thing I have ever had to do. You should be really proud of yourself for having the courage to talk things through. It's very difficult but you will be so much more content as a result. I hope it goes well tomorrow.

[mosp]

Thank you livingzuid Yes, it really is hard work. Sorry you're living with a similar nightmare :(

Today I tried to compose a narrative of all that took place, and highlighted in red the specific parts that were his actions. Just trying to stick to the bare facts (either ones I remember, or ones that I have written in my diary).

I have managed some of it, but then I just get stuck in a cycle of self-blame and my brain starts spiraling.

Something sinister happened to me in '97 (I mean, events after the original 'attack') and I can't explain it :( I can't explain myself. It is like I was under a spell. I was watching myself as though from above or as though I was a character in a film. I was utterly unable to make decisions for myself. I was a puppet.

[mosp]

I have obtained a photo of him. Now I'm just staring at it :(

[BigArea]

Hi mosp are you ok? Well obviously you are not, sorry. Did you get photo from FB? Have you spoken to counsellor about it? Does she say you can call her in between sessions if you need to? UnMNetty hugs x

[mosp]

I contacted an old friend who I knew at that time, and she had a picture that she scanned in for me.
I used to have pics but my ex destroyed them all in november 1997 because he was controlling. At that time I was not ready.
Looking at him as he was then, and at myself (I look like I'm about 13) is almost unbearable but at the same time it is compelling.
I'm sure I'm not doing myself any good. No change there then :(

[BigArea]

When is your next counselling appt mosp? Could you take the photo with you do you think? I'm sorry you are feeling so low. I reckon asking for the photo is you trying desperately to remember and thereby be able to process what happened. But I may be talking rubbish. I am here to listen if that helps.

[mosp]

You will think I'm completely stupid (because I am!) but I actually do not hate the man. In fact, I only feel love towards him.

Before he did what he did to me, I barely knew him and I kind of had my eye on someone else. But that all changed in a flash and I became obsessed with him and drawn to him!

This all happened when I was studying abroad so I ended up leaving early, but still feel guilty that I abandoned him!

The more I write on this thread, the more I realise how messed up this all sounds!

[mosp]

Sorry - I forgot to answer your question: I saw my counsellor today and I did show her the picture. He really doesn't look like he's brutal!

[BigArea]

You are clearly not stupid. I don't want to risk using the word here but from what I understand it is common to form/continue a relationship with someone AFTER the event in order to try to normalise what happened and put it back into a box that is easier to cope with. I could be miles off though, I don't know much at all about PTSD.

I don't think it is about whether he 'looks brutal' or not is it love? Although I guess if he did too might find it all more believable. Did the counsellor help you to get your head round the whole photo situation at all?

Hope you get some sleep tonight x

[BigArea]

You not too

[mosp]

:(

[BigArea]

Oh mosp I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. I know I don't know much about you but it seems to me that you are bravely tackling this - it must feel like you are chipping away at a mountain with a teaspoon but you are doing it and I think you're really brave