Is anyone around? I feel like I need to talk about my counselling session today.

[mosp]

I don't really know if this is the 'done thing', but I still feel quite shaky about it.

[mosp]

Ah, aint, I see what you mean now. Yesterday was terrible on mn, wasn't it? I'm pleased it has improved!

I just can't decide what to think! I do get that people block things that are too awful to remember. I just can't seem to apply that to me. I don't think it can really be true for me. I realise this doesn't make sense!

I do need closure, and I am scared I'll never get it because I can't even let myself believe my own writings. Even if I ever believe I know what happened, I will always believe that I caused it on one level or another. And even if I get that issue sorted, I am still left with phobias and fears and unfair assumptions about men in general. In short, I need to be an olympic athlete to get past all these hurdles.

Then, when I consider all these barriers to being well/sane, I just feel like giving up. But I know I can't. Someone mentioned me 'feeling normal again'. I actually have no sense of what 'normal' would be if it hit me in the face! This happened in 1997; that's soon going to be half my life away! And even before it happened, I was not 'normal' or it would never have happened!

I don't feel even slightly 'brave' for handing over my diary. Yes, it was a scary thing to do. But I had no choice. It is one of my few hopes. It's like when people call me brave because I escaped from my abusive h. No, not brave. Just doing what I had to do. No choice. If I could choose, I would have never chosen my lot.

Sorry, I'm being really depressing here, aren't I? I do appreciate that there are some lovely people reading and responding. And I feel so much better that some people 'get' the amnesia thing.

[mosp]

Anyone around to help me feel calmer?

(I have been desperate all day, but also feeling guilty that I am still so needy and never any use to anyone else) :(

[yeghoulsandlittledevils]

I am here, but have had a bit of a family row and am not in a very happy place.

It is pretty normal to feel desparate. I took up new hobbies to try to take my mind off things. (But one is going for a walk and it's been raining all day so I did uroning instead. Ironing, I can say with somevfervour, is not a suitable relaxant. Not for me, anyway!)

[mosp]

Sorry yego. You are so kind to reply when you're feeling lousy yourself!
I hope the discord in your family rectifies soon. Rows are horrible :(

[mosp]

I'm trying to write things down in a notebook. Not making a very good job of it.

[yeghoulsandlittledevils]

It is good to write things down, even if you dont end up keeping it.

PAinting is good too.

[TerrorTremor]

Hi mosp this is Aint but namechanged for Halloween.

If you don't mind me quoting parts of your post because it's easier I'mlazy

I do need closure, and I am scared I'll never get it because I can't even let myself believe my own writings. Even if I ever believe I know what happened, I will always believe that I caused it on one level or another.
I have felt that what has happened to me in the past is my fault. If I didn't say no or shout, then I obviously wasn't making it very clear at all. Besides, I stuck around and what idiot does that? But the thing is we were both young, not familiar with the world of sex and intimacy and were scared. Fear does some pretty strange things to you. It can freeze you or make you lash out. I froze and I imagine you probably did too. It doesn't mean it was your fault. Nobody could ask for that kind of thing to happen. If someone presented your situation to you as their own, I am sure you would tell them what I am telling you now. You feel it is different because it is you, because you probably (don't mean to assume so sorry if I am wrong) have low self esteem and when that occurs, you do tend to think everything is your fault, even irrational things.

And even if I get that issue sorted, I am still left with phobias and fears and unfair assumptions about men in general.
It's not easy at all. But once you have dealt with the initial understanding of what happened, you can begin to deal with the secondary issues. Phobias are difficult, but not impossible to overcome. I really don't trust men very much, as not had the best of experiences with them. I have an amazing partner though who I trust with my life in all aspects. It's gradually getting to know a man and treat them as an individual rather than them as a certain gender. Protect yourself by not allowing yourself to be in any vulnerable situation with them unless you are 100% sure you can trust them in your mind. This may take months, this may take years - but if he truly cares for you, he will wait for that from you. Also pick up warning signals. If a man does something you dislike, you DON'T have to put up with it. Remove yourself from the situation, distance yourself from this man and if it is severe, report him.

Then, when I consider all these barriers to being well/sane, I just feel like giving up. But I know I can't.
Sanity isn't a one level thing, neither is insanity. There is so many levels to it. Giving up you could do by why do that when none of this is your fault? Why do this when you could be happy?

Someone mentioned me 'feeling normal again'. I actually have no sense of what 'normal' would be if it hit me in the face! This happened in 1997; that's soon going to be half my life away! And even before it happened, I was not 'normal' or it would never have happened!
There is no such thing as normal at all. It's all very personal experience. I think they mean feeling comfortable with yourself and that is something to aim for. Like I stated above it's not because you weren't normal that it happened, it's because the person who did this to you isn't normal or isn't very nice.

You have done the right thing in showing you diary. You are not being depressing, you are being honest and I am sure I can speak for the others on this thread that we appreciate it.

[mosp]

Thank you for your words.

Sorry, I just can't articulate any of my thoughts right now, but I wanted you to know that I read and appreciate you trying.

I am not sure that our experiences are so similar, though probably equally distressing :(

So so weak now :(

[TerrorTremor]

I am pretty sure they aren't linked in any way, yet the way they make you feel are probably very similar, if you see what I mean.

Perhaps a time when you feel a little happier within yourself, you could take a look and read again.

I really hope you can be happy because you deserve to be happy.

You have done nothing wrong to warrant anything that has happened to you. I don't know much about your situation, but I know that.

[mosp]

Aint/terror (not sure what I should call you...)

Thank you. And sorry. X

[TerrorTremor]

No need to be sorry.

Sorry is for when you have made a mistake or done something wrong.

I can't see you showing signs of either.

Confusion isn't a crime, otherwise I'd be banged up by now.

[mosp]

I know that probably no one is there. And I know that there is nothing anyone can say to make anything better.

I had another session today and I have spent the whole evening crying :(

I am completely broken, beyond all repair :(

I can never get better; I'm stuck here forever. I will never find out the complete truth. More horrible stuff (fromy own pen) was revealed to me today. I can't take it :(

I go honestly wish I could just go out and walk and walk for miles. But I have kids here and dd saw my red face earlier and is petrified that I'm getting ill (again).

Wish I was just dead :(

[timidviper]

Don't want to read and run although I have no real experience.

You are not broken at all, just look at everything you have achieved. You have come through a terrible trauma to build a life and have children.

I found a diary of mine from when I was about 14 recently. I have no trauma in my past and yet it was a very odd feeling. It felt almost as though the writer was a stranger writing about things I remembered. It was very unsettling even for me.

Try to be kind to yourself OP, you are doing really well

[mosp]

Thank you for answering, but I am really not doing well at all!

I have a busy day today. Full on all day, and much of it requiring me to put on a show of normality, when in my brain i am being brutally bashed :(

Parents' evening later, and I have a tutoring lesson to give as well. But my face is red, my eyes barely open, my head aches, etc. etc.

I just wish I could have an accident, serious enough to give me a week in hospital with no questions asked.

I am so alone in this agony. It is just too much to tell and no one in rl I could tell it to (except my counsellor) so I just suffer and shake and convulse all alone.

If only I knew for sure what happened that night. Again, my diary shed more light, but even at the time I was fuddled about it. I'm never going to know, am I?

Plus, my lovy counsellor accidentally said 'the word' yesterday and I had a huge panic attack. That's partly why I can't cope now. But I don't want to tell her how much I'm suffering because she'll just feel guilty and it was an honest mistake. So, there's another pain I have to bottle up.

How is the rest of the world just carrying on? I am sick in my head.

As I tried to explain yesterday (in counselling), what happened to me with my ex h was possibly worse and certainly more life threatening. But at least I remember clearly so I can file it away. This 1997 incident could have been dealt with by now, if only I could remember exactly what he did to me. According to my diary, I found bruises and scratches, but no idea how they came about as individuals.

Sorry, I just needed to type that out. Just be grateful I have not typed out what was read to me yesterday. It was beyond disgusting :(

If you are reading, thank you xx

[yeghoulsandlittledevils]

Well done! You really sound like you need a huge round of applause, mosp. And a lovely, warm, gentle, accepting and comfy, loving non-threatening virtual hug. You are going through so much. Please try to back off a bit from finding out the truth and take it in small bite-sized chunks.

I used to do the same and was getting burn out and was unable to function between sessions. This is what my counsellor suggested: Before the end of your counselling session, imagine putting your emotions, what happened, anything that you've discussed and everything else into a box and onto a shelf for next time. It will be there, and you will be able to access it better because your brain and body will have had the rest and recuperation to be ready for a little tiny bit more. This process will not go any quicker if you try to devour every aspect of it all in one go, that will just make you sick!

You can tell your counsellor about how you feel between sessions. It is her job to help you and her professional responsibility to help you through the process. She can';t help you if you as well if you keep things from her. Try taking a session off from getting to the truth about the trauma and ask her about coping strategies between sessions, and how to prepare your mind for work and so forth. Maybe she has a mindfulness tape you could borrow, or can suggest downloads or apps?

[yeghoulsandlittledevils]

Once i started to use the box technique, I found I could use it anywhere at any time. I had an imaginary shelf I put it on beside me (up to my right). the other good thing was, when I imagined getting the box down and looking inside during counselling, I could see things differently. Sometimes it brought back memories I didn't even know I had forgotten. Some were happy ones from childhood which were fun to explore, others no so great, but good to reveal in safety. It was a very long process.

[mosp]

She has talked the box technique before. I was (at the beginning) very good at it. Well, just good at avoidance really. It is only the past week that my brain is not allowing me to box it all up. It is not my conscious decision to think about it. My brain attacks me. Really, that is how it feels. It is as though my brain were an external enemy :(

However, I feel a little more stable this evening. I think I cried enough for a year just in this one morning!

I hope you are feeling better! Thank you for your message (again).

[yeghoulsandlittledevils]

Yes, I am feeling better. Life is manageable at the moment, I am able to rest during the day. I have taken ...a stressful daily commitment...because I must (can't go into details here) which takes its toll, but I can have a rest and relax a bit most afternoons.

I can remember feeling that about my brain, and crying a river, too!

Recently too...I have found that overcoming self blame helped enormously with dealing with emotional overload. I've often found this through life, I do this, that I take on guilt that I shouldn't and carry other's emotional burdens for them. Then I find my emotions are out of control. If I can find that 'switch' inside to tell myself I am not to blame (or if someone I can trust tells me) the emotions switch off too, by magic and I am myself again.

Have you told your counsellor about feeling that your brain is attacking you?

Tell yourself: you are not to blame for what happened to you.

[TerrorTremor]

So sorry to hear how you are feeling today mosp.

I really wish you could see there is nothing wrong with you. There may be things that have harmed you in the past, but it doesn't make you any less of a person now.

I think the most important thing to recovery is forgiving yourself. No matter what the problem is, you need to forgive yourself before you can understand everything.

Have you thought about getting hypnotherapy in the future? Might not be the best idea now when you have young children, as it can leave you very emotionally sensitive for a while afterwards, but it could possibly answer some questions of things you can't remember if you see what I mean.

I know you don't know me but if you want to talk to a stranger about it feel free to PM me and I will listen without judging. You can say as little or as much as you like, as I am here to listen as best I can.

I have been to a counsellor myself for several reasons and have had to change them several times and each time it felt like going from scratch again, so I do sympathise with it feeling like one thing after another. But you have a really good rapport with this new counsellor and I think you are really making progress. But the thing with progress is it's hurdles and not all of them are easy to jump.

[mosp]

I'm nearly falling asleep, I'm so exhausted! I just wanted you both to know that I read your kind messages, and I'll respond when I can. Thank you!

[TerrorTremor]

No problem.

Get some sleep if you can. Or just relax and lay down and listen to something relaxing or funny.

These things don't have to rule our lives.

Life is too short to always worry.

A smile is always just around the corner.

[MisguidedAngel]

mosp I hope that what I am going to write will help a little. I used to be a SW and once I worked with a woman who came to SSD because she wanted help with parenting. After a long time she told me, without details, about a traumatic incident in her past. She knew it had happened because the person went to prison, but she could not remember any details. It is not at all uncommon to have this sort of amnesia, it's a protective device. It helped you in the aftermath, now it sounds as if you need/want to remember but of course it is very frightening.

I agree that it would be good if you could talk to your counsellor about coping strategies and taking very small steps, as yeghouls suggests.

I hope you will feel able to carry on posting here - you are getting very good advice and support.

[mosp]

Thank you, kind people :)

Last night I was able to listen to a great audio book and to drop off to sleep peacefully. And today, I have been just avoiding allowing myself to think about it (and my brain has not attacked me, which feels like something of a miracle because I usually get much longer bouts of this after a trigger) and I have just spent a quiet day with the kids.

I have in the past wondered about hypnotherapy and I will seriously consider it for the future if I can ever afford it.

You are all so kind, being there for me. I have lots of lovely rl friends, but most of them don't know about this and the few that do have a lot on their respective plates right now.

Anyway, there are times I am better typing than talking :)

[yeghoulsandlittledevils]

It was good to hear back that you were alright last night, it meant a lot to me. I was very glad to know that you were alright, and also happy that you slept and have had a good, quiet day. I hope the rest of your weekend goes well. :D

[mosp]

yego :) Thank you so much for that!

I hope that your weekend is going well too.