I've had enough, it's all just too hard.

[CuppaCiggieBiccieBliss]

I'm not even sure why I'm posting really as I feel so far beyond help

I don't know where to start. Everything is a mess. I'm 25 weeks pregnant with dc2. She wasn't planned, but a happy accident. Anyway me and pregnancy really don't mix, I'm having to self catheterise (well dp has to do it for me as I can't) I have constant water infections, always in pain, the list goes on.
I have ptsd from things that happened to me in my past (8-9 years ago) and everything that's happening because of the pregnancy has made it worse. I can't sleep, I'm having panic attacks, I can barely even leave the house.
Dp is being fab but I feel so guilty. He has had to cut his hours right down at work because of the catheters as I can't go longer than 4 hours without it. When it has to be done I panic so much and then it takes me a good hour to palm down afterwards.
I haven't had more than 2 hours sleep every night and I'm just running on empty.
My poor dd is noticing that I'm not normal. She'd be better off without me.
It's all too much. I can't deal with any of it. I cry all the time, I'm exhausted, just one big fat pointless mess.
Dp took me to the gp as he's worried sick but all they offered was a referral for counseling which can take 6 months. I don't even think I could cope with counseling tbh (another failure to add to the list) as I can't talk about it. I habeas never told anybody the whole story of what happened to me, not even dp.
I just want the pain to go away, for it all to end

Oh mrs. All I can offer is a big virtual hug. What do you do to relax? Can you prioritise that and then make that the focus of getting through each day?

I do understand your issues. I'm much the same and at times it does feel like you don't want to live, don't want to die, can't go on and that you're a failure.

But you're not. You are currently going through a shit time. You need to remind yourself that it's not your fault.

Go back to the gp - a different one if you can who will hopefully be more understanding. Your situation sounds difficult and I didn't want to run off and not say anything. You could also try yoga, self hypnosis and meditation. These work wonderfully for my anxiety problems and might help you.

Thankyou for the replies, and the hug

I know I need to go back to the gp but I don't think I can manage it leaving the house is such a struggle and doctors/hospitals panic me anyway. Good lord, reading this back, I sound even more pointless.

I do try to get an hour to myself each day but I only end up having a panic attack or sobbing like a wally.

Oh mrs. I had bit like this through my last pregnancy. Can the MN mantra 'This too shall pass'. Even if it's just to a better level of shit. Hormones are funny things and really exasperate everything.

Think of you as a cup and stress as water. Your pregnant, you have the shitty catheter thing to deal with, a DC1 etc etc. Sometimes the cup just runs over.

notgoingto tell us more about how yoga, self hypno and meditation have helped. I'd love to know more.

Do you know anyone medical at all that you feel you can trust. Or that you can at least talk to?
Friend, friend of a trusted friend, relative, neighbour.
They may have some helpful suggestions too.

OP, you have my absolute heartfelt sympathy. Catheters absolutely suck and really can hit your self-esteem.

I only had to have one in for a few weeks but it made me feel very emotional.

Did you have to self-catheterise in your last pregnancy as well?

Thankyou all again.
I don't really trust anyone at all, let alone to talk about this. I feel revolting knowing what they did to me and I don't want other people thinking that to, ssorry I'm not making much sense.
I had the same problems during my last pregnancy but every sodding doctor we spoke to said the likelihood of it happening again was very slim

Are there any women doctors at your surgery?
You may have a different reaction and outcome, if you saw a woman doctor.

I have recommended this site a few times, the mindful breathing helps me sleep, every time I feel my mind wandering I focus it back onto my breath. I have PTSD too and the psychiatrist I saw said hypnotherapy is the most likely thing to help. I start in a few weeks. they are going to try and take me back to a significant event and make me feel safe about it so there is no trauma..does that make sense? is it something you could do? I do understand panic attacks but I think you need to do something about this before you give birth, you want to be in a good place for that and looking after two young children.

I found Maggie Howells natal hypnotherapy CD fantastic when I was pregnant, it helped me relax and I found the birth pretty incredible because I felt really in Control. I'd recommend it.

I think you need to tackle the sleep issue first, then perhaps you'll have the strength to tackle the other stuff

OP, what are the Urogynae team like where you are?

The people I saw at King's were amazing. Treated everyone with dignity and sympathy.

You have 2 big probelms here. The physical one and the ptsd.
When you went to the doctor previously, did you tell him or her about both problems in detail?

Yams, it was a female gp. In some ways it's sort of worse as that was really my last hope.

Thankyou for that website, I will have a read of it I'm sorry that you suffer with this too.
I've never looked into any sort of hypnotherapy or anything, I wouldn't know where to start.

The consultant at the hospital has been lovely but I feel like I'm passed from pillar to post as I have to see 3 different specialists and I don't think there is a lot of communication. Luckily they agreed to a c section straight away ( I had one with dd ) as I can't deal with any examinations at all

Sorry Yams, x posted. I think the gp was more bothered about how often I'm managing to catheterise, not about the flashbacks they cause. She prescribed diazepam to take if it was really necessary before it's done but it makes no difference. It made me feel sort of spaced out but the flashback was still there.

Not sure if this link is remotely useful?

www.ourbodiesourselves.org/book/excerpt.asp?id=77

Thanks again Yams. What that website says about control is definitely a big problem for me. I have always struggled with the ptsd, sleep being the biggest problem, but the physical problems of the pregnancy have made it a lot worse.
I feel terrified all the time, not knowing what's going to happen next as there seems to be one problem after another. I just want a rest from it all.

I could be wrong. But I sort of get the impression that really, the ptsd is more of a problem above everything else.

I think if I were you, one of the things I would do, or get your partner to do, is to google tings to do with ptsd and pregnancy. And see what you can find out to hopefully help you.

tbh, the healthcare people should be helping you more imo.
I suppose, that because you are seeing 3 specialists, that they are not very joined up about this. Though that doesnt help you.

You could also try reposting in General Health. See if anyone there can help too.
There are some posters who never go on the Mental Health boards at all, so wouldnt have read this thread.

The other thing I am thinking is, I am surprised they havent given you something to help with the lack of sleeping.
Or at least given you tips.

Yams, you are right about the ptsd. I think everything has just been made worse by the pregnancy but it's always been there iyswim.
Dp has tried to get a gp appointment for this week but surprise surprise there aren't any until about Christmas!

I feel so down this morning. I haven't stopped crying for hours what a mess.

I am seeing this more and more on here, posters saying they cant get appointments for ages. I have been surprised by that, because where I live, and beyond, there isnt a problem.

You do need an emergency appointment. I dont know if your dp[who sounds lovely btw], asked for an emergency one?

OP, have you tried contacting: www.birthtraumaassociation.org.uk/

I honestly think they expect you to use your psychic powers to work out when you'll be ill and pre book an appointment. I am so desperate but don't know what to do Dp did ask for an emergency appointment and even told them why I needed it, still nothing. We've left a message with the midwife so hopefully she will call back. I haven't even managed to get dressed yet.
I would give my right arm for a rest from it all. The tiredness is killing me

I feel bad contacting the birth trauma support as it wasn't the birth that caused it iyswim. Oh I don't know, maybe I really am beyond help

I would contact them anyway as it was to with your pregnancy wasn't it?

Even if it turns out to not be their remit, you are definitely experiencing PTSD and they should be able to put you in touch with the right people.

I will send them an email and see what they say, Thankyou

And Thankyou for the replies, it's good to have people to listen, well, read

It seems to me that your whole GP surgery is not good.

Would it be worth registering with a different one altogether?

oh cuppa I could not read and not post.
which health authority are you under? many have a perinatal mental health team that might be of use to you.
well done for posting and asking for ideas

Well the midwife got back to me yesterday and got me an appointment with the gp. I'm on sertraline and referred to the perinatal mental health team.
To say I'm nervous would be an understatement but anything is better than feeling like this. If only I could manage to sleep