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Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

Mental health

Ashamed to be here

124 replies

GracieLoo · 29/06/2013 21:19

I wanted my previous thread to be deleted but for some reason it wasn't, however i'm feeling like I need to just get all this out somewhere. It's taken a lot of guts to post again, all my confidence has gone today for some reason.

I don't even know what to say now, but I am frustrated that I am not getting anywhere. I am regarding therapy and appts, but not mentally. The past few years have been up and down, up and down. The downs are getting worse and more often, the ups are happening less. Always been told therapy is what I need, but my unhelpful cpn said I won't get it while i'm tearful. I have an appt for it in a couple of weeks though.

Social services are now involved, anxiety is through the roof. I don't trust anyone anymore, feel I have no one I can be totally honest with, and I know i'm sinking again. The down periods are taking over, with no explanations. I have been looking for jobs, seeing friends, doing a lot with dd, but that's when I realise no matter what I do, this bpd is always going to be lingering, taking over, until I can take it no more.

I was really struggling a couple of months ago, but at least I was more open then, and able to ask for help. I feel I can't now, I clam up, I feel vulnerable and paranoid. Even in my garden earlier I feel like people are watching me.

I don't want to sound like i'm repeating myself, but I feel like i'm waiting for the right time to end it, it's what keeps me going if that makes sense.

OP posts:

Report

GracieLoo · 10/07/2013 16:49

Argh I can feel myself losing it! Dd does nothing I ask her, she just winds me up! And I have all weekend on my own, so wanted to go out for some drinks sat night so I can get drunk and self destruct but my friends are crap and all have lame excuses. Keep nearly crying but just can't, keep going to call someone but can't. On the edge, really am.

OP posts:

GracieLoo · 10/07/2013 16:52

Also I haven't heard back from the cmht from when I phoned to talk about the difficulties with the cpn, and still waiting! Want to call but can't remember the name of who I spoke to. Think they've just ignored me.

OP posts:

yamsareyammy · 10/07/2013 18:15

It is possible that on this occasion, that you got lost in the system somehow. It happens.
Also, people are on holiday this time of year.
Also, they may be seeing if they can find you another one?

Is your DD on school holidays yet.
Or is it near end of term.
My kids were very tired at the end of every term.
I did find I had to be a bit slacker with them then. They needed sleep and rest above all.

coxspippin · 10/07/2013 18:45

i'm sorry you feel so gracieloo.

cjel · 10/07/2013 21:32

Hi Gracie< sorry you are having a bad time, will you try cmht again in the morning?x

GracieLoo · 10/07/2013 21:49

I think I'm obsessed with suicide at the moment, any programme, news story, stuff online, can't stop thinking about it. Could try cmht but then seeing cpn on Friday so I'm anxious about things being uncomfortable when I see her.

I've got all the signs, trying to ignore them but they're not going away.

OP posts:

cjel · 11/07/2013 08:28

Morning Gracie, sorry wasn't around last night. Grandchildren then early night!! Remember that the cmht and cpn are there for you to use, they are not 'in charge' of you. give them a ring today,
What obsesses you about suicide?
what signs have you got, I'm not sure what you meant?x

GracieLoo · 11/07/2013 18:54

Signs that I had last time I went downhill. Actually getting worse, getting shaky and forgetful now. Got so much dread inside me, don't want to do anything.

Got a call from cmht and the lady I spoke to is going to be in the my appt with the cpn tomorrow. I feel like they are going to make me look like i'm in the wrong, and judge me. I bet they just think i'm causing problems for the sake of it. i don't even know what i'm going to say. That I don't like my cpn? I can't say that so I might as well give up and not bother.

OP posts:

cjel · 11/07/2013 22:19

Do you remember when you went to the DRs and he understood what yo were saying and believed you? It may be that the cpn has had other people saying the same things about her and that the lady who will be there is to assess her ?I know its easy for me to say but don't give up and pleasae do bother. It is your state of mind that sees everyone as trying to harm you. It is not the reality.
What benefit do you think they will get by making your life hard?

GracieLoo · 12/07/2013 07:10

Really bad night, feel so awful this morning. I'm shaking and feel dizzy and spaced out.

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SnowyMouse · 12/07/2013 08:46

Take some slow, deep breaths Gracie

GracieLoo · 12/07/2013 09:04

I don't want to deal with all this today. I don't understand all my thoughts.

My cpn and the other lady work together so she's going to stick up for the cpn. I bet no one else has said anything, it's just me being awkward.

OP posts:

yamsareyammy · 12/07/2013 09:10

Even if it is just you, your points are very valid.
But often, not always, other people have a problem with the exact same person.

cjel · 12/07/2013 10:12

You are in control Gracie and you can do it today. There is nothing so far to suggest that cpn and other lady will be in collusion against you. It could be that the gp has arranged a third person to check that cpn treats you properly and as you deserve.
I also think like Yams that you may not be the only person who has said something about the cpn.
Your self esteem is at rock bottom and that means you see the worst in everyone but I don't think they stick up for each other over taking care of you.
\what time is the appointment?

cjel · 13/07/2013 13:59

Gracie,
I haven't been around for a while. How did it go yesterday, what did you do? HOw are you today?

GracieLoo · 14/07/2013 11:49

The meeting didn't go too well, dislike cpn even more now. She seemed really unprofessional and defensive, talking over me, shaking her head at me, moaning about being late for her next appt. I didn't get to show her what I had written, she gave me no chance to. And I was put on the spot and asked if I can try to work with her and be honest. I think I'll ring on Monday and say actually I can't.

I ended up in hospital last night having a mental health assessment. I was going downhill rapidly and made a noose over the banister and nearly did it. Phoned a friend who came round and phones 111. Anyway, was given diazepam and referred to crisis team, I think? They haven't rung yet. My friend stayed over til this am.

So now I'm trying to get up and function but I can't. Made a cup of tea and it took too much effort. Chest hurts, head hurts, feel horrible and embarrassed.

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yamsareyammy · 14/07/2013 11:57

Gracie [hugs]
So glad that you rang your friend.
Agree that you need to say that you cannot work with the cpn.

Your assessment was/is this monday, isnt it?

GracieLoo · 14/07/2013 13:15

Yeah it's tomorrow, I've probably messed that up now.

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coxspippin · 14/07/2013 13:16

i'm glad too you rang your friend- sounds a good friend too.
hugs also.

yamsareyammy · 14/07/2013 14:22

Deep down, do you think there was a part of you that was trying to mess it up? If it is alright to ask you that?

GracieLoo · 14/07/2013 14:55

The assessment didn't even cross my mind last night, too many dark thoughts took over. Being totally useless today, can't even get out of bed.

OP posts:

yamsareyammy · 14/07/2013 15:03

Stay in bed if that is best for you right now.

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cjel · 14/07/2013 21:15

its ok to stay in bed! another here glad you rang your friend. I don't know how you could have messed up your assessment. The who;e idea is that you can be assessed at the place you are now. it won't be some sort of judgement test where there is a right and wrong way of being. Just be, do and say what you want .They will then assess that.
I hope you don't feel so low today?

GracieLoo · 14/07/2013 22:32

Exhausted but on edge, dd keeps coughing and it's panicking me, I don't know why. I can't sleep if she's coughing.

I'm worried about people knowing about last night, want to pretend it didn't happen. I can't face anyone. Feel so emotionless, it's not good. I feel nothing, and I nearly hung myself, just nothing.

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yamsareyammy · 14/07/2013 22:40

I understand how you cant sleep if kids cough. My kids, some of them were asthmatic, and them coughing disturbs the parent.
Do you know why she is coughing. Some coughs are just coughs.

You are probably temporarily numb after what has happened. Give yourself some time .

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