Ashamed to be here

[GracieLoo]

I wanted my previous thread to be deleted but for some reason it wasn't, however i'm feeling like I need to just get all this out somewhere. It's taken a lot of guts to post again, all my confidence has gone today for some reason.

I don't even know what to say now, but I am frustrated that I am not getting anywhere. I am regarding therapy and appts, but not mentally. The past few years have been up and down, up and down. The downs are getting worse and more often, the ups are happening less. Always been told therapy is what I need, but my unhelpful cpn said I won't get it while i'm tearful. I have an appt for it in a couple of weeks though.

Social services are now involved, anxiety is through the roof. I don't trust anyone anymore, feel I have no one I can be totally honest with, and I know i'm sinking again. The down periods are taking over, with no explanations. I have been looking for jobs, seeing friends, doing a lot with dd, but that's when I realise no matter what I do, this bpd is always going to be lingering, taking over, until I can take it no more.

I was really struggling a couple of months ago, but at least I was more open then, and able to ask for help. I feel I can't now, I clam up, I feel vulnerable and paranoid. Even in my garden earlier I feel like people are watching me.

I don't want to sound like i'm repeating myself, but I feel like i'm waiting for the right time to end it, it's what keeps me going if that makes sense.

[cjel]

dont understand why your health visitor should have been talking to your family? It must be hard if you think you have no one to trust, but the professionals all have some level of client confidentiality and shouldn't be discussing what you say with your family.
I also don't know why you should be careful what you say, if its what you are thinking and feeling it is valid and you mustn't be made to feel that it is wrong.

[yamsareyammy]

Hang on.
How do you know that the HV has broken confidences?

Could the family just be saying what they are saying anyway?

[SugarandSpice126]

Agree with what cjel and yams have said... Do you know whether HV has said anything? I know I would definitely feel paranoid that people kept talking about me, but try and focus on what you know for sure. It's so hard sometimes though.

In what way are they telling you to be careful about what you say? As in what are they suggesting you don't say? You are such a good mother despite all of this, so you don't have to hide.

[GracieLoo]

I just posted a reply and lost it, so annoying.

I don't think I was clear, sorry, think the HV said some things at the original meeting that I didn't attend. It was probably things I admitted to her about my feelings as a mum that I wouldn't admit to family. That's why I'm annoyed people have been so involved as everyone has opinions and it's made things harder for me. So as there are appts and meetings this week, I've been advised to be careful about what I say, although I have nothing to hide and have always been honest as I want help for dd and myself.

I can't talk to my cpn, in my dream last night I opened up to my 1st cpn, I wish that could happen in real life. Want to be on my own to cry, but I can't.

[yamsareyammy]

Gracie. If I were you I would cry when you want to.
Perhaps bear in mind about doing it too often in front your DD, but other than that cry.

Why are your family saying "careful what you say"?
That may not be the right advice, but difficult to say for sure, from behind a computer screen.

[GracieLoo]

I don't know what i'm not supposed to say! Nothings happened, I don't do anything bad so shouldn't have to keep quiet. But now I feel i'm being blamed for all of this for being too honest in the first place.

Getting so paranoid, keep getting calls from hv and sw to say about coming for a visit, even though visits have been arranged? Hv is coming tomorrow. I hate not knowing what is being said about me.

It is getting more and more tempting to not be here, I don't want to be. When I see dd playing so happily with others, I think how she'll be ok. I can't keep on messing everyone's lives up, and I can't cope with the paranoia and anxiety getting worse every day. I don't want to come across angry about it all, but I can see it happening, as there is no one I can trust. Wish my old cpns could call me but I know they can't, and it hurts.

I was close to crying earlier but always too busy with dd, want to have a break from the meds so I can have a good cry.

[GracieLoo]

BBC 3, a bit triggering. Annoys me they read that letter then came to the conclusion of throwing more meds at her! Meds aren't everything, I hate them!

[GracieLoo]

Sorry to keep posting, reaching out wherever possible, feeling completely out of it. Feel like I might pass out, light headed. Don't know what that means. Keep crying though, and gone into a bad place. Feel nothings real. Kind of want help but really scared now. Been trying so hard to pretend things are normal. I don't want to be here at all.

[yamsareyammy]

Havent seen the BBC3 programme.
What was it about?

[yamsareyammy]

Can you trust your mother?
I think you can from what little you have posted about her.

Do you have any siblings btw?

[SugarandSpice126]

I know it must feel awful not to be in control of the situation. Ultimately though, you are in control of a lot of things, and can take lots of little steps to try and get better. You're a lot stronger than you think, you know. You're posting on here as a way of reaching out, and that's so so strong.

When you see dd happily playing, she's happy not just because she's with friends/with her favourite toy, it's because she feels stable and loved and cared for. Children who don't have this don't just happily play. The fact that she does happily play means you're not doing as badly as you think you are. In fact, you are doing very well, and she is clearly happy. Your love and presence are key parts of her happiness. You can't necessarily see that because you don't know what she would be like without that. Talk to any child/adult who lost a loving parent, and you'll find out that it's devastating and impacts their lives so dramatically. You are a fundamental part of her life, whether you are ill or not, and you always will be.

As humans we're not perfect. And as such, no parent is perfect. We're still individuals, and therefore each have our problems and issues. No parent is completely balanced and happy all of the time. We sometimes snap, or cry, or have difficulty doing certain things. And children can deal with this. They don't break as soon as they see their parent in difficulty, they are resilient and can cope.

It's amazing that you're still trying to reach out, and it shows you don't want to die, you want this feeling to go away. It's the feelings that you can't cope with, and therefore it's the feelings that you have to work on. Keep doing tiny steps and you will get there. I know it feels like the longest road in the world and you can't see the end, but trust me, it's there. And once you reach a positive place you will be so happy and thankful that you didn't give up. You will be the person telling other people to keep trying, because things will improve.

[yamsareyammy]

Gracie. You dont need to say about the BBC3 programme. As it triggered you, it may be best not to.

[cjel]

Sorry I haven't been around for a couple of days, have you managed to see hv today? how did meeting go? did you get any further with going for counselling? How has today been?

[GracieLoo]

Got a meeting today, I don't want to do this. I know everyone will say it's to help. My god, dd is driving me mad. She's whinging and being demanding, the way she talks to me is horrible sometimes but I have no energy to deal with it. I can't tell anyone this, my mum wouldn't believe me and would disapprove me telling the sw. I don't know what to do, I can't carry on like this.

Had more vivid dreams last night. I wish someone would say it's ok, we'll all be fine, dd will forget about it all and be happy with her dad, but obviously no one will say that.

[GracieLoo]

I don't know if I'm handling her in the right way! I'm trying to ignore her but my heads so muddled I don't know if I'm doing this all wrong!

[SugarandSpice126]

We can't say dd will be fine without you because she won't. That's the only reason people aren't saying that. It's not true.

She's still young, whining etc isn't your fault...do you want to talk about what she does? Everyone needs a bit of a moan about child's behaviour sometimes. They are lovely but can also be brats sometimes! You're not the only one to feel driven mad by it.

I understand that you feel you're not doing what's right for her, but this is most likely the depression talking. Maybe you could outline an example and we'll give an objective viewpoint? There's usually no right/wrong way though, just what works for each person. I know you're trying your best, and that's what really matters.

[cjel]

try not to worry about dd, she is normal and so are you. what time is your appt? although your head is muddled say what is on your mind honestly, it really is to help and the truth will set you free, if you are trying to concentrate on what you should and shouldn't say you may stay muddled. Ask sw about counselling its perfect for un muddling tired minds. I'm thinking about you Gracie.

[GracieLoo]

Meetings been cancelled. I've phoned up cmht about how I'm struggling with cpn, started crying and now urges and thoughts are bad. And really paranoid family are reading this. Also feel people were looking at me and knowing how I felt at nursery drop off. Going round in bloody circles and I'm fed up.

[yamsareyammy]

Has the meeting been rescheduled yet?

Glad you have spoken up about the cpn, as she should be a valuable person to you, not one that makes you further anxious.
You did right, not wrong today, try not to worry about it.

The people at nursery may well have been giving you concerned, loving looks if you looked a bit anxious or upset today.

[cjel]

Remember that it is your paranoia that makes you imagine what others are thinking about you. It really may not be what they are thinking,
Glad you have taken control and spoken out about cpn that was a brave good thing that you did to get the help Gracie needs.

Todays main thought could be 'lets think about what Gracie wants and try not to let thoughts(Which are in your head and not always a reality) of others potential judgement stop me looking after myself'

Hugs to you Gracie.xxx

[GracieLoo]

The meeting is next week now. Been on such a high today, got so much done, didn't sit down all day and still feel like I need/want to be doing stuff. Want to throw things out, rearrange stuff, been buying things I don't need. In the past this feeling has been followed by extreme low. I'm out tomorrow but now regretting it but spent a lot of money on a ticket so should go, but I know going out, then coming back tired and late has not always ended well. I think I know what could happen but I just want these extreme emotions to end.

Still struggling with dd and feeling more detached from her. Got a feeling things aren't quite right, but not had the chance to discuss things this week. Keep forgetting what day it is and what's going on anyway, just staying in my own little, manic bubble at the moment. Feels easier and safer that way.

[cjel]

Glad you new date for meeting.can you write things down so that if you hit a low you will have some of your'up'thoughts to keep you going until you are more level?

[GracieLoo]

I'm not feeling that good at all. I know what I want to do so badly, but a bit of me wants to reach our for help if I need to, but think I'm too scared to ask for help. I want to cry, been stockpiling sorry feel such a failure.

[yamsareyammy]

Keep talking on MN
Is it your cpn that you need to contact?

[cjel]

who would you like to reach out to? what is stopping you? You are not a failure Gracie just struggling with bad health at the moment. You will be well again and may get better sooner if you reach for help way before you get to the end of your tether. you may be able to see it as normal then and not a fail?