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Original poster

Contemplating suicide

992 replies

BengalTiger · 11/05/2013 02:44

I know this site is for parents, and i'm nothing close to a parent (I'm 16) but I'm in a situation that very much involves the subject of parenting. So I thought with this being a site for parents, maybe I can get some insight.

I'm a lad and I don't know how to tell my mum that I'm constantly fantasising about suicide. My relationship with my mum is pretty complex. I'm biracial (she's white and my dad was black) and my parents split up when I was 6. Well my mum ran off to say the truth. My dad raised me but he died in January.

After not hearing from my mum for 8 years, she finally got in contact with me and my dad when I was 14. He didn't want anything to do with her but he said she was my mother and I should hear her out. I did. She was married and really wealthy. I wouldn't say I and my dad lived in poverty but we never had all that much either. It's weird cause I've never been angry at my mother for leaving me and my dad. She said she was really sorry for everything and I forgave her.

In the last 2 years we saw each other and went out and that. My dad died from a heart attack so now I live with my mum and her husband. In the last 3 months I've been overwhelmed with thoughts of suicide. My mum has been wonderful to me but unlike with my dad, I can't talk to her about really personal things.

And the truth is that ever since I was really young I've always been a self-loathing person. I don't know why. I just am. I don't have friends really. I prefer to stay on my own (somthing my mum doesn't understand) and most of the times I daydream, pretending that I'm a different person.

I just don't know how to tell her all of this stuff. I find it difficult to open up to anyone. I could only tell my dad about the most personal things in my life. Now that he's gone and I don't have anyone to tell.

I've been looking up suicide methods online and I'm constantly thinking about my death. I have some rope that I intend to hang myself with. But last night I came across a story about a mother who lost her son to suicide and I cried cause the whole thing basically destroyed her.

I don't really want to put my mum through that, but then again, life at the moment feels like hell. Waking up in the morning is terrible - the only respite I get is when I sleep. When there's nothing for me to think about. And that's why death is so alluring.

i don't know what to do.

OP posts:
mummylin2495 · 31/07/2013 17:18

We don't need to know all the details on here, that's your private business but we are all here for you when you need us x

Caster8 · 31/07/2013 17:25

As mummylin says, we dont need to know. That is up to you.
From what little I know of such matters [one of my aunties left my uncle out of the blue, though their child was about 20 at the time], things are not always completely one sided, and sometimes there are health issues involved as well.

Look after yourself, and take time to process and think about things.

CatsAndTheirPizza · 31/07/2013 17:42

I hope you are OK BT.

Apileofballyhoo · 31/07/2013 17:48

Bengal,

it can be very difficult for people to accept they've hurt someone without trying to explain things. Sometimes that can be because the person wants to lessen the hurt they caused by explaining what was behind it.

I hope you are ok.

Original poster
BengalTiger · 31/07/2013 18:48

I'm okay. I'm just down. But I'll be okay.

OP posts:
Apileofballyhoo · 31/07/2013 19:14

I'm sorry you're down. Sad Sometimes life can be really crap. Have you got anything to distract you?

Original poster
BengalTiger · 31/07/2013 19:19

Not really. You're right about life. It can be crap. Wish it was much easier.

OP posts:
Apileofballyhoo · 31/07/2013 19:19

Sorry, that's probably a really stupid question to ask. When I had a miscarriage my sister told me to have a bath and some chocolate or a glass of wine (I can't remember) and read a book. I thought she was off her rocker but she was trying to be sympathetic... anyway I didn't mean to be insensitive.

Original poster
BengalTiger · 31/07/2013 19:23

It's cool. It wasn't insensitive at all. I know what you were getting at.

Sorry about your miscarriage. Like I said before, I wish life was easier.

OP posts:
Apileofballyhoo · 31/07/2013 19:24

I wish your life was easier too B. If I could take away all of what you've gone through I would.

I think there must be a reason for things - it's what keeps me going anyway when things happen, but I do find it hard to understand. I'll be honest with you and say I do believe strongly in God and that this earth isn't all there is to it. But the suffering aspect is very hard to understand.

Apileofballyhoo · 31/07/2013 19:27

Thanks, Bengal. The miscarriage was in January and I'm ok about it now. Just a bit sad sometimes. The baby was only tiny, I was just 11 weeks pregnant. I like to think he is with my Dad now, and I have a sense of peace about that. It was shit in the beginning though, and I had very mixed up feelings.

Original poster
BengalTiger · 31/07/2013 19:30

That's what has always baffled me about religion along with all the suffering in the world. It doesn't make sense. At the moment it's really hard for me to have any kind of faith at all not just in religion, but humanity and the meaning of the soil beneath our feet. My dad was the best dad ever but he dies randomly when he's in his 30s. Bad stuff happened to my mum when she was my age. I was watching the WWII documentaries and there was an episode that focused on all the atrocities during the war. An absolutely horrible, disgusting waste of life and it just makes me question everything.

OP posts:
Original poster
BengalTiger · 31/07/2013 19:32

I'm crying now as I think of your baby. So, so so unfair for the both of you. I'm really sorry.

OP posts:
mummylin2495 · 31/07/2013 19:45

Hi bt sorry you are feeling down again, but hoping that the high hopes are still in your mind. Iam sorry too that things you have been told distressed you, but it's probably best to clear the air and have no secrets. Then you can build on your relationship with your mum x

Original poster
BengalTiger · 31/07/2013 19:56

I still have hope. What else can I do.

OP posts:
Caster8 · 31/07/2013 20:02

Do you find that watching things like WW11 stuff helps?
Might it be better if you watched some more uplifting stuff instead for the time being? Just a thought.

Original poster
BengalTiger · 31/07/2013 20:05

You're right.

OP posts:
Apileofballyhoo · 31/07/2013 20:08

Sorry B, didn't mean to make you cry. I know the world is very, very hard to understand. I can't understand why you lost your lovely Dad or why you've had so much crap and that makes me want to cry. But the love I have with my son gives me such joy and the love between my mother and I gives me a lot of happiness too.

I feel so strongly that there are good times ahead for you, and for your Mum and for the two of you together.

mummylin2495 · 31/07/2013 20:35

Oh BT don't give in to despair.you have taken the first tentative steps to find the answers and it seems that you have heard things you didn't expect . But if you hadn't heard them now, things would still of been hidden from you. This will probably be a mixture of elation and sadness, but will be for the best to get everything out in the open x

Original poster
BengalTiger · 31/07/2013 20:47

I still have hope. I guess that's a plus cause before I didn't have any.

OP posts:
Apileofballyhoo · 31/07/2013 20:57

I really admire you Bengal. :) I'm glad to hear you have hope. I am sending you loads of positive thoughts.

Original poster
BengalTiger · 31/07/2013 21:01

I think my cat just tried to comfort me. I'm sitting in the extension and she just walked in from the garden with a dead bird in her mouth. She dropped it at my feet and looked up at me expectantly.

OP posts:
Original poster
BengalTiger · 31/07/2013 21:01

And thank you Ballyhoo.

OP posts:
Apileofballyhoo · 31/07/2013 21:11

lol at the cat. That's her giving you love! Once when I was little my cat brought me a worm. I think they can definitely sense when you are down. I mean who wouldn't want a dead bird?!

mummylin2495 · 31/07/2013 21:18

Is there a local pet shop near you BT as you
Ove animals I wondered if maybe you could see if they needed a hand with the animals, or maybe a zoo if there is one near you. That I'm sure would bring your stress levels right down.
Yes you def still do have hope , and we have confidence. Confidence that you will over o,e all the hurdles and end up happy x