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Mental health

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Original poster

Contemplating suicide

992 replies

BengalTiger · 11/05/2013 02:44

I know this site is for parents, and i'm nothing close to a parent (I'm 16) but I'm in a situation that very much involves the subject of parenting. So I thought with this being a site for parents, maybe I can get some insight.

I'm a lad and I don't know how to tell my mum that I'm constantly fantasising about suicide. My relationship with my mum is pretty complex. I'm biracial (she's white and my dad was black) and my parents split up when I was 6. Well my mum ran off to say the truth. My dad raised me but he died in January.

After not hearing from my mum for 8 years, she finally got in contact with me and my dad when I was 14. He didn't want anything to do with her but he said she was my mother and I should hear her out. I did. She was married and really wealthy. I wouldn't say I and my dad lived in poverty but we never had all that much either. It's weird cause I've never been angry at my mother for leaving me and my dad. She said she was really sorry for everything and I forgave her.

In the last 2 years we saw each other and went out and that. My dad died from a heart attack so now I live with my mum and her husband. In the last 3 months I've been overwhelmed with thoughts of suicide. My mum has been wonderful to me but unlike with my dad, I can't talk to her about really personal things.

And the truth is that ever since I was really young I've always been a self-loathing person. I don't know why. I just am. I don't have friends really. I prefer to stay on my own (somthing my mum doesn't understand) and most of the times I daydream, pretending that I'm a different person.

I just don't know how to tell her all of this stuff. I find it difficult to open up to anyone. I could only tell my dad about the most personal things in my life. Now that he's gone and I don't have anyone to tell.

I've been looking up suicide methods online and I'm constantly thinking about my death. I have some rope that I intend to hang myself with. But last night I came across a story about a mother who lost her son to suicide and I cried cause the whole thing basically destroyed her.

I don't really want to put my mum through that, but then again, life at the moment feels like hell. Waking up in the morning is terrible - the only respite I get is when I sleep. When there's nothing for me to think about. And that's why death is so alluring.

i don't know what to do.

OP posts:

mummylin2495 · 29/07/2013 22:43

Oh I have no doubt BT ! Your posting is sounding so much happier and positive tonight. What a great start on your road to acceptance and happiness.

mummylin2495 · 29/07/2013 22:56

I am loving that you are putting smiley faces on here tonight

whethergirl · 29/07/2013 22:56

Sounds like it's been really productive; you've opened up about your mum to your counsellor and you've written your mum a letter. I think if my son was to give me a similar letter, I would probably find some of the stuff painful and maybe hard to deal wtih, but I would be glad to go through it if I my actions had caused my son so much pain. I would also be so happy that my son had bothered to write me a letter and cared enough for our relationship.

Your mum wants you to be happy, and she knows that counselling is a step towards building your happier future. So I would imagine that she would also think the same about the letter, that she would be relieved that you're dealing with your hurt so that you can heal.

I hear what you're saying about the punching a pillow thing. Not quite the same as smashing something up, is it? You know, they should sell household items that look real on the outside - TV, mobile, remote control, laptop etc. but are empty inside and don't actually function, for the purpose of smashing up to release anger! Take that to Dragon's Den!

Openyourheart · 29/07/2013 22:56

Smashing crockery is pretty good. Cheaper than a PS3! Get some from a car boot ;)

Set yourself a small goal - anything. It is good to focus on something else and have an aim. Then, when you reach your goal you feel good about yourself. You like animals so how about volunteering for a few hours a week at an animal sanctuary over the summer for example?

whethergirl · 29/07/2013 23:03

That's a great suggestion from @Openyourheart, working with animals can be really good for the soul. I find spending time in any kind of natural environment is good for my mental health. If I start getting stressed, I try and sit by a tree if I can (best I can do, living in London!). I know it sounds silly, but it can be really calming. My kitten definitely keeps my happy levels up too (literally, just as I wrote that, he stuck his head down my tea cup, snorted some tea, jumped back in surprise and surfed down a pile of paperwork, spreading it everywhere).

Original poster

BengalTiger · 29/07/2013 23:17

@ lin - I'm not currently smiling as there's a cut on my tongue and worse, I didn't even notice it before eating a fish that had salt on it!! I have random late night scavenges. Last night I woke up at like 3.00AM and went downstairs for an apple!

@ whether girl - The empty household item thing is a great idea! Save a lot of money. A mate of mine always used to say if he became obscenely rich he'd buy a house and pack it with fragile items so that when he's angry, he could just take a baseball bat and go to town lol. Actually a lot of baseball players flip out with baseball bats. They smash everything in the dug out.

About my mum - that's the thing, I don't wanna hurt her but I know that it's better I be truthful with her. It's weird cause I never felt this anger when she first came back. Not at all. It just developed recently.

P.S. The cat story was cool.

@openyourheart -

I've actually been looking at some volunteer work online. Well I was before I hit the slump.

OP posts:

mummylin2495 · 29/07/2013 23:21

Ooh painful. Salt and vinegar very sore on little cuts, but I can't eat stuff without salt. If you have to go downstairs to find something I would be inclined to take a goody bag upstairs when you go to bed ! Nothing like being prepared. Now you have put food in my mind I'm going to get my box of cheese straws to munch on !

Original poster

BengalTiger · 29/07/2013 23:31

Good idea for the goody bag :) Anyhoo I'm gonna sleep now. Hope you have a nice night and sleep well. The same goes for everyone else on this thread.

OP posts:

mummylin2495 · 29/07/2013 23:31

Goodnight bt you sleep well too x

Apileofballyhoo · 29/07/2013 23:39

Hiya Bengal

Just smiling here at you, having read your responses to everyone. I think you are amazing, I'm sure all of the people on this thread think the same.

I'm glad you feel a bit better today, and you feel you could get through another slump. The first counsellor I ever went to explained to me I might feel low after the initial high from getting some of my emotions out. Life is full of highs and lows and middles! There is a saying where my mother is from - What can God not do? He can't make 2 mountains without a valley in between. But if you get a slump you are learning how to get back to the higher ground.

I think smashing things is great if it makes you feel better. I smashed a few things myself in my teens but I was clueless as to why and had to pretend it was accidental to my parents. I get what you mean about it having to be something worth smashing as opposed to the pillow or whatever. I think the crockery could work.

Apileofballyhoo · 29/07/2013 23:53

I hope you have a great night's sleep.

Openyourheart · 30/07/2013 07:06

Are you going to get any therapy on the NHS or have you bypassed that now?

cjel · 30/07/2013 09:37

Yes to my rages BT, In fact I just had a patio laid and the landscaper said he had a memory of me from 25 years ago , when he was working on a house opposite where I used to live and I came out of the house shouting and smashed 2 milk bottles on the drive He has spent 3 weeks working here now and realises that isn't me, but he had carried that picture of me all these years. We also had a friend help us polyfilla all the walls in that house when we decorated and couldn't understand what all the dents in the wall were from!! The silliest I ever threw was the teasmade complete with kettle and teapot on it!!!
Thinking about it all now I can't believe I was that unhappyx

mummylin2495 · 30/07/2013 11:48

Good morning BT hope you managed to have a good nights sleep and have woken ready to take on the world today.And I hope your tongue is ok !

cjel · 30/07/2013 20:13

Evening, I am very excited I have learnt how to do little bears [bears]!!!!

cjel · 30/07/2013 20:26

Oh dear bears don't work here

mummylin2495 · 30/07/2013 20:46

Try it without the s on bears !

cjel · 30/07/2013 20:58

thank you Mummylin. Good day restored!!!!

mummylin2495 · 30/07/2013 21:09

Hi BT hoping you have had.A Good day today and are feeling more at ease with yourself. Did you take your goody bag to bed with you ?

whethergirl · 30/07/2013 22:55

BT you've got it all wrong. When you wake up at 3am with the munchies, you eat chocolate, cereal, crisps and pretzels. An apple is what you have if you are on a diet. Tsk you youngsters!

You would have thought the baseball players would get all their tension released playing baseball?!

I guess there's many reasons why you didn't feel angry towards your mum when she first came back. Maybe you were still in shock, maybe it just took time for you to process your feelings. I think the anger is completely natural and I don't think anyone could blame you for feeling angry, not least your mum. Yes, maybe your mum might get hurt when the truth comes out. But she can cope with that. If I was your mum, I would be more hurt to learn 10 years later that you were feeling this way and never told me. I'd be devastated in fact.

I just wanted to mention, too at this point, that we're here as long as you need us, but please don't feel you need to come on here out of any obligation. You can disappear for a while and come back when you want, people do it all the time on here. I do think having this constant stream of support is a good thing for you, especially when you're feeling alone on a downward spiral and can't talk to anyone. Or you can come on here and just write about how you feel, without responding to every comment. Just don't let it become a chore or burden, ok?

Apileofballyhoo · 30/07/2013 23:21

Hi Bengal

just saying hello and hope you had a good day - and as whethergirl said you shouldn't feel like you have to respond to everything on here - this is your thread for support as and when you feel like it.

mummylin2495 · 31/07/2013 13:25

Hi BT just to let you know you are in my thoughts x

Original poster

BengalTiger · 31/07/2013 17:08

Hi everyone. I gave my mum the letter yesterday. We sat down and talked and I learned a few things that have hit me pretty hard.

OP posts:

Apileofballyhoo · 31/07/2013 17:14

Hi Bengal,
are you ok and do you want to talk about it? I'm here to hold your hand whichever you want to do. I'm sorry you've been hit hard by whatever it is.

mummylin2495 · 31/07/2013 17:16

You may have to hear a lot of things that upset you. But ultimately it means the air will of been cleared and hopefully you will get all the answers you have been looking for. Are you feeling ok ?

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