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Mental health

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Original poster

Contemplating suicide

992 replies

BengalTiger · 11/05/2013 02:44

I know this site is for parents, and i'm nothing close to a parent (I'm 16) but I'm in a situation that very much involves the subject of parenting. So I thought with this being a site for parents, maybe I can get some insight.

I'm a lad and I don't know how to tell my mum that I'm constantly fantasising about suicide. My relationship with my mum is pretty complex. I'm biracial (she's white and my dad was black) and my parents split up when I was 6. Well my mum ran off to say the truth. My dad raised me but he died in January.

After not hearing from my mum for 8 years, she finally got in contact with me and my dad when I was 14. He didn't want anything to do with her but he said she was my mother and I should hear her out. I did. She was married and really wealthy. I wouldn't say I and my dad lived in poverty but we never had all that much either. It's weird cause I've never been angry at my mother for leaving me and my dad. She said she was really sorry for everything and I forgave her.

In the last 2 years we saw each other and went out and that. My dad died from a heart attack so now I live with my mum and her husband. In the last 3 months I've been overwhelmed with thoughts of suicide. My mum has been wonderful to me but unlike with my dad, I can't talk to her about really personal things.

And the truth is that ever since I was really young I've always been a self-loathing person. I don't know why. I just am. I don't have friends really. I prefer to stay on my own (somthing my mum doesn't understand) and most of the times I daydream, pretending that I'm a different person.

I just don't know how to tell her all of this stuff. I find it difficult to open up to anyone. I could only tell my dad about the most personal things in my life. Now that he's gone and I don't have anyone to tell.

I've been looking up suicide methods online and I'm constantly thinking about my death. I have some rope that I intend to hang myself with. But last night I came across a story about a mother who lost her son to suicide and I cried cause the whole thing basically destroyed her.

I don't really want to put my mum through that, but then again, life at the moment feels like hell. Waking up in the morning is terrible - the only respite I get is when I sleep. When there's nothing for me to think about. And that's why death is so alluring.

i don't know what to do.

OP posts:

Original poster

BengalTiger · 31/07/2013 21:18

Why do they always feel the need to bring stuff they caught outside inside?

Anyhoo I'm gonna go now.Hope you and everyone else has a good night.

OP posts:

mummylin2495 · 31/07/2013 21:20

I am sure this iPad misses out letters !

Original poster

BengalTiger · 31/07/2013 21:20

@lin - There's no pet shop I can think of near me and certainly no zoo. I woud like to work with animals though. Would be cool.

Anyway I'm off. Chat soon. Night and sleep well.

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Apileofballyhoo · 31/07/2013 21:32

Night B. Hope tomorrow is better for you. Sleep well.

cjel · 31/07/2013 21:45

night BT. You are having real up and down times , the up of recognising anger and writing the letter and giving to your mum and the downs of what you are learning and your mum staying away so long.
I hope you can process what you have heard and maybe take it to your counsellor next week.

I was so pleased to read that you have hope that really lifted me to know that you hadn't gone down again.
Sometimes hope is all we can cling to isn't it.

Sleep wellx

whethergirl · 31/07/2013 21:58

Awww, that's very sweet of your cat bringing you a little pressie. You know, whenever I feel down, I always see these things as a sort of sign, as if something out there is giving me a bit of reassurance or comfort.

You are not alone in thinking about all the crap that goes on in the world, and wondering what the point of it all is. I guess it's something you will either learn to live with, or perhaps develop a strategy to help you cope with it, or you'll find some sort of explanation of your own. I don't want to influence you with my understanding of it all, but maybe I could just mention the 'Yin Yang' factor that might help? If you don't know about it, and if you're interested, look it up. In a way, we can't experience pleasure without pain, because there would be no such thing without the other. I certainly don't want to make light of any of your difficulties, or the ones that others have mentioned here. Sometimes, though, when I look back on times that I have suffered, usually some kind of learning took place, even if it was to appreicate what I do have in life.

You are dealing with some really big issues here Bengal, and I think you are doing amazingly well. It's a lot for anyone to handle, it really is. I'm glad you've talked to your mum and I hope it goes some way to building your relationship with her. It's easy to point a finger at someone and say they've done a bad thing, but life is not that simple. People are very complex beings as you have already found out! Life is complicated.

I hope you start having some good days soon. And I hope your cat doesn't bring you any more dead birds, I think one is more than enough for anyone, don't want you getting spoilt!

Original poster

BengalTiger · 31/07/2013 23:54

I can't sleep.

OP posts:

Apileofballyhoo · 31/07/2013 23:57

I'm still around BT. How are you feeling? I'm guessing whatever you heard is going around in your head.

mummylin2495 · 01/08/2013 00:02

Do you want to chat for a while ?

Original poster

BengalTiger · 01/08/2013 00:09

Yeah it is. My mum was sexually assaulted when she was 15. She was unable to tell anyone so she started using drugs to deal with it. It was only when she got with my dad she stopped. When I was born when she was 18 she was fine for the next few years. But she was still traumatized from what happened (she hadn't gotten the proper treatment - my dad had asked her to but she always said she was fine) and started using again about a year before she left. My dad found out and they tried to get her help but it didn't work. They started having problems, and even though I don't remember it at all, once she was high and wanted to drive to town with me. She couldn't even make it down the street. Luckily my dad was coming home from work. She said at the time she thought that I would be better off without her and that she was ashamed of herself.

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Apileofballyhoo · 01/08/2013 00:10

When I can't sleep I read until I'm exhausted. Literally till my eyes can't stay open any longer. When you're really, really upset it is very hard to sleep.

Apileofballyhoo · 01/08/2013 00:15

Oh love. That is very very sad. I guessed ages ago that your Mum was convinced you would be better off without her because I didn't think she could leave you otherwise. I thought she might have had terrible depression. Mind you, depression and addictions are kind of linked - people can use in order to escape the terrible pain they are in.

She must have really really trusted in your Dad to take care of you, and he did.

Apileofballyhoo · 01/08/2013 00:17

I'm sorry you are trying to cope with all of this.

mummylin2495 · 01/08/2013 00:18

Oh what a dad story BT you see there was reason, it was not because she didnt love you. I would think you were devastated to hear such a horror story. But look how brave your mum is being now. She has come from the depths of despair and now has overcome her problems. You can work through these things together x

mummylin2495 · 01/08/2013 00:22

What a testament to your mum that she has come through all that. It must of been very difficult for her, and I can competely see why she left. I can also understand why she didnt see you. It was because she cared , not because she didnt. Do you really want your private business on here Bt? You can ask for your post to be deleted

Original poster

BengalTiger · 01/08/2013 00:27

@lin - I think one of the reasons I'm not feeling suicidal is cause I feel like i need to get better for not only me but for my mum too. And you're right she did manage to pull through. And it's okay about the post. We are anonymous after all. Not many people I know have a 'Bengal' as a first name and 'Tiger' as a last name.

@ballyhoo - my dad never told me the specifics of why they're relationship broke down and I understand why now.

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mummylin2495 · 01/08/2013 00:34

I think that only good can come of your mums honesty. Now you can see you were not unwanted and it's nt hour fault. I agree with you, now you can be there for each other, which really is quite wonderful. You are a lovely person and your mum must be so proud of you. Are you going to start another thread with a happier title ?

mummylin2495 · 01/08/2013 00:38

Sometimes BT adult relationships can be very complex and mostly the parents always try and shield the children from any problems. It appears that is what has happened on your case. Rightly it wrongly they did everything they did to protect you, that must make you feel so loved.

whethergirl · 01/08/2013 00:43

That must be quite shocking to find out BT, you and your family have been through a lot. Addiction is a very powerful thing, it is amazing that your mum has managed to create a new life for her, and for you too.

Original poster

BengalTiger · 01/08/2013 00:45

Lin - You're right about the honesty bit, even though I find it hard to deal with it. But at least I know there was a reason. It always hurt to know that so long had gone by without hearing nothing.

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Original poster

BengalTiger · 01/08/2013 00:48

lin - new thread eh? Hmm maybe. Title of this is a bit morbid I admit.

@whethergirl - It is shocking. My mum has always seemed to be the kind of person that is in control. You hear about this kind of stuff all the time but you never think it's gonna happen to the people around you.

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mummylin2495 · 01/08/2013 00:52

You have a very good brain BT and you will be able to work things out now you know the answers, I know you have had a shock hearing all this but I can't help feeling happy for you that you now have answers. And it will probably be good for your mum too as she has up until now still been trying to shield you. Now she too will be able to get some peace. I think you have both had your demons to battle against, but the demons are not going to win this time

Apileofballyhoo · 01/08/2013 00:59

For your Mum to have come through all that, she is very together. I am sure she was heartbroken for a long time to not have contact with you. I am a firm believer in the truth. Sometimes the truth can be dreadful, but it is only in dealing with the truth that we can be in a position to heal.

You didn't want to tell your Mum you were angry because you didn't want to hurt her or drive her away from you emotionally. You took a chance and she was brave enough to open up to you - she was ashamed and didn't want you to judge her, also she probably thought you had enough on your plate. But now you both know more about each other and that is good. It's going to be better, BT.

Apileofballyhoo · 01/08/2013 01:07

It will probably take you a while to process the shock. Do you have counselling again next Monday?

Original poster

BengalTiger · 01/08/2013 01:07

In a way I do feel like it's going to be better cause I feel down but not hopeless and suicidal. Even if I were the latter I couldn't do that to my mum. Not after everything that's happened to my family. My mum was able to fight through really bad things and I'm sure I can too.

I'm gonna sleep now. Thanks for the support as always. Night.

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