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Original poster

Contemplating suicide

992 replies

BengalTiger · 11/05/2013 02:44

I know this site is for parents, and i'm nothing close to a parent (I'm 16) but I'm in a situation that very much involves the subject of parenting. So I thought with this being a site for parents, maybe I can get some insight.

I'm a lad and I don't know how to tell my mum that I'm constantly fantasising about suicide. My relationship with my mum is pretty complex. I'm biracial (she's white and my dad was black) and my parents split up when I was 6. Well my mum ran off to say the truth. My dad raised me but he died in January.

After not hearing from my mum for 8 years, she finally got in contact with me and my dad when I was 14. He didn't want anything to do with her but he said she was my mother and I should hear her out. I did. She was married and really wealthy. I wouldn't say I and my dad lived in poverty but we never had all that much either. It's weird cause I've never been angry at my mother for leaving me and my dad. She said she was really sorry for everything and I forgave her.

In the last 2 years we saw each other and went out and that. My dad died from a heart attack so now I live with my mum and her husband. In the last 3 months I've been overwhelmed with thoughts of suicide. My mum has been wonderful to me but unlike with my dad, I can't talk to her about really personal things.

And the truth is that ever since I was really young I've always been a self-loathing person. I don't know why. I just am. I don't have friends really. I prefer to stay on my own (somthing my mum doesn't understand) and most of the times I daydream, pretending that I'm a different person.

I just don't know how to tell her all of this stuff. I find it difficult to open up to anyone. I could only tell my dad about the most personal things in my life. Now that he's gone and I don't have anyone to tell.

I've been looking up suicide methods online and I'm constantly thinking about my death. I have some rope that I intend to hang myself with. But last night I came across a story about a mother who lost her son to suicide and I cried cause the whole thing basically destroyed her.

I don't really want to put my mum through that, but then again, life at the moment feels like hell. Waking up in the morning is terrible - the only respite I get is when I sleep. When there's nothing for me to think about. And that's why death is so alluring.

i don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Openyourheart · 22/07/2013 21:06

You are only 16. Feelings and life circumstances change. You will not always feel this way. You really need to talk to someone professional about this. Perhaps try your GP first. There is such a lot your GP can do to help. I bet there are loads of people who value you. Hang on in and look for ways to move forward.

Openyourheart · 22/07/2013 21:06

Heaven can wait. There is no hurry.

cjel · 22/07/2013 21:07

I have a strong christian faith, but not sure that I should share with you here. Is there someone in RL that you can talk through it with. My understanding would be that God has a plan for our life and as he gave it , it is wrong for us to decide when to end it. I also believe that the loving caring father god I believe in would not turn his back on someone so desperate as to think the only way for them to have peace was to end it.
have you read some of the psalms? they are written by someone who was in a desperate state and can be very helpful?

Original poster
BengalTiger · 22/07/2013 21:18

@openyourheart - I have gone to the GP and I'm on ADs and have sessions. But it all feels like a smokescreen cause I just end up being back where I've been for a while now. If heaven is as good as it's supposed to be, I really don't see why I should wait. Feeliing like this is so exhausting.

cjel- I haven't read the psalms. I've been crying all day today cause I know there are people in much worse situations than me. Today I was in town and there was a homeless man and I gave him the money I had. His life is well harder than mine but he's not given up. I just don't have the strength in me like the man. I thought by giving the bible a shot and learning more about religion would give me that strength, but it's made me want to be with my dad more. Though I once read on the net that someone who commits suicide doesn't go to heaven.

OP posts:
cjel · 22/07/2013 21:25

what translation have you got?

My understanding is that as far as christianity goes suicide is a sin, BUT as I said before my God is a loving Father God and as such would not turn his back on a child in need.

Openyourheart · 22/07/2013 21:36

Treating depression can be trial and error and perhaps your medication needs to be adjusted.
Please talk to your mum. I have sons and I would be devastated if one of them took their own life. Try to gather all the strength you can to get through this. Somewhere deep down you will find it. Ask Jesus to help you find your strength. You are obviously a kind person and I bet many people could benefit from the kindness within you. Keep on. God bless you.

Original poster
BengalTiger · 22/07/2013 21:43

"New King James Bible." I found it randomly in the bookcase of my mum's DH. which is weird cause I don't think he's religious.

The way I see it is that the world existed long before me. And it will exist long after me. And that's the truth. It's not like I'm the earth's core - I'm just one person out of six or seven billion. Honestly I've tried my best to get better. But sometimes your best ain't enough and mine ain't. I've already written a letter for my mum. I broke up with my girlfriend earlier too.

OP posts:
Openyourheart · 22/07/2013 21:43

In fact, why not take yourself down to a&e and get help right now. This sounds urgent and they will help. No-one wants you to die. The bad things that have happened in your life are relatively recent. You don't always have to feel this bad.

I'm off out now but I will check in the morning to see if you have posted again. You are in my prayers.

cjel · 22/07/2013 21:44

psalm 139,psalm 77 vs1-15. psalm 27.x

Openyourheart · 22/07/2013 21:45

No, dont write to your mum, speak to your mum. You will destroy her along with yourself if you do this. You need help and treatment.

Original poster
BengalTiger · 22/07/2013 21:48

@openyourheart - This is why I really, truly believe I never should've been born, cause I know taking my life will cause pain to the people closest to me and it's something is really strong in me. yesterday i was looking at a thick electric wire that could work as something to hang myslef with but then my mum called me and showed me old pictures she found of me when I was a baby. It quelled my sucide thoughts for the entire night. But now they're back again. if I wasn't born I couldn't hurt anyone.

Thank you for your kind words though.

OP posts:
cjel · 22/07/2013 21:50

BT anything happened to change your mood again?

cjel · 22/07/2013 21:53

Sorry BT just getting slow upload of posts.
Sad to hear about your girlfriend what happened?

Openyourheart · 22/07/2013 21:55

Then look at the photos again. Think of the pain, shock, and sadness you will cause and you will destroy your mother if you do this.

Tell your mum how you feel. There is a better way out of this. Many people have been successfully treated for severe depression.

cjel · 22/07/2013 21:58

Sorry BT just getting slow upload of posts.
Sad to hear about your girlfriend what happened?

Openyourheart · 22/07/2013 21:59

I'm sure you have a lot of love to give. Keep strong.

Original poster
BengalTiger · 22/07/2013 22:00

@cjel - nothing happened to change my mood. Remember when I told you that I came to some realisations? That's it pretty much. I ended it with her cause she deserved someone much better. It was hard, and it really hurt, but it's just something I had to do.

@openyourheart - Thing is I go through the same routine. Like I'll talk to mum and things will seem good for a while but then it's like one step foward and two steps back cause I'm always back to square one. Always. I can't live like this anymore.

I'm sorry to everyone here who has been really nice and wonderful to me.

God bless you all.

OP posts:
Openyourheart · 22/07/2013 22:11

Well, you asked for a parent's point of view and you have it. God bless.

cjel · 22/07/2013 22:13

Please at least give mum chance to help again. what realisations do you mean?

Believe me I do not underestimate how difficult it is to carry on living when you feel as you do. I have had times of hopelessness in my life but they always do pass. Have you thought that it is quite arrogant of you to decide whether or not your girlfriend should have a relationship with you or not? Perhaps she decided that you are all she wants - she clearly has had time to get to know you and was longing to have this relationship?

I have no idea what the King \james version of those psalms say, but if they are not helpful just have a browse through them Feel the despair in some of them but they always have hope after they've moaned.. I find that my god is big enough to take all my moaning and wailing and I have found that he doesn't let me stay that way for long>

mummylin2495 · 22/07/2013 22:14

Hi bt obviously you have hit rock bottom once again. You have been there before so you know it will pass. I'm sorry you felt you had to split with your girlfriend, she made you feel so happy for a couple of weeks. She liked you for the person you are, not the person you perceive. You are a great guy as we have told you before. Have you been back to your doc or anything, I think you need to see someone ASAP. Please don't give up. Tell your mum how you are feeling and ask her to help you make an apt to see someone urgently xx

mummylin2495 · 22/07/2013 22:18

BT please come back on here. Don't do anything to yourself. You would hurt your mum terribly and this is not what your dad would want for you. And your friends on this thread and your RL mates would all be devastated. We have helped you through before. Let us do it again if we can. Obviously you need the right medical help, but we can support you through it all. X

cjel · 22/07/2013 22:33

just read your earlier post 'if I hadn't been born I couldn't hurt anyone'

Also if you hadn't been born you couldn't have blessed anyone either, Me, mummylin, your girlfriend - we are glad to have known you.xx

We want to know you further.xx

mummylin2495 · 22/07/2013 22:41

Cjel is correct BT we are very happy to know such a bright young person. It has not been that long since you lost your dad, in amongst your depression you are still grieving for him, and that takes a long time to go, I know that for a fact as I am still grieving for my mum.that in itself is an awful thing and then to have such thoughts that you do, it's no wonder you are struggling. But you have to at least give it time. Things will not be put right in a couple of weeks. You have such a Great future in front of you, don't throw it away. Living can be great for you, but you need to have the right medical help. You can't do it on your own. We will give you all the extra support that we can, but you do need urgent help.

CatsAndTheirPizza · 22/07/2013 22:45

BT go and find your mum again - it worked last time and it will work again. You will destroy your mum, and your dad would have wanted you alive. You have too much to give BT and a great future ahead ... all that writing you were going to do ... you had your whole life planned out.

xx

mummylin2495 · 22/07/2013 22:54

Can you see BT that we all care about you and are worried . You would be a great loss to more people than you know.You are such a nice person but you don't seem to realise how others regard you. Please give us the chance to let us help you.