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Original poster

Contemplating suicide

992 replies

BengalTiger · 11/05/2013 02:44

I know this site is for parents, and i'm nothing close to a parent (I'm 16) but I'm in a situation that very much involves the subject of parenting. So I thought with this being a site for parents, maybe I can get some insight.

I'm a lad and I don't know how to tell my mum that I'm constantly fantasising about suicide. My relationship with my mum is pretty complex. I'm biracial (she's white and my dad was black) and my parents split up when I was 6. Well my mum ran off to say the truth. My dad raised me but he died in January.

After not hearing from my mum for 8 years, she finally got in contact with me and my dad when I was 14. He didn't want anything to do with her but he said she was my mother and I should hear her out. I did. She was married and really wealthy. I wouldn't say I and my dad lived in poverty but we never had all that much either. It's weird cause I've never been angry at my mother for leaving me and my dad. She said she was really sorry for everything and I forgave her.

In the last 2 years we saw each other and went out and that. My dad died from a heart attack so now I live with my mum and her husband. In the last 3 months I've been overwhelmed with thoughts of suicide. My mum has been wonderful to me but unlike with my dad, I can't talk to her about really personal things.

And the truth is that ever since I was really young I've always been a self-loathing person. I don't know why. I just am. I don't have friends really. I prefer to stay on my own (somthing my mum doesn't understand) and most of the times I daydream, pretending that I'm a different person.

I just don't know how to tell her all of this stuff. I find it difficult to open up to anyone. I could only tell my dad about the most personal things in my life. Now that he's gone and I don't have anyone to tell.

I've been looking up suicide methods online and I'm constantly thinking about my death. I have some rope that I intend to hang myself with. But last night I came across a story about a mother who lost her son to suicide and I cried cause the whole thing basically destroyed her.

I don't really want to put my mum through that, but then again, life at the moment feels like hell. Waking up in the morning is terrible - the only respite I get is when I sleep. When there's nothing for me to think about. And that's why death is so alluring.

i don't know what to do.

OP posts:
cjel · 22/07/2013 22:56

I really have to sign off for the night BT, I am helping at a holiday club this week with my church. I have a group of 14, 8 to 11 year olds to look after all week, starting at 9am in the morning.
Goodnight, God Blessxx

Futterby · 22/07/2013 23:02

Hey. I know what you're going through.

I've not read the whole thread, just thought I would post so you could see it and then I'll go and read the thread.

I'm 18 and from the ages of 13-17 I was clinically depressed. I self harmed. A lot. I was suicidal most of the time. I asked for help and got none at all, but I was able to push through it and come out the other side. I still have bad days, but it's nothing like it used to be.

The only thing that got me through some nights where I was sure I was going to kill myself was the thought of my family. I would imagine my mum or my dad or my little sister finding me stone cold in the morning and what that would do to them. It would ruin them. If you found a member of your family dead, you would never forget it and that's what I had to focus on sometimes.

I just wanted to say, message me if you want to chat. One teenager to another. I also wanted to say (I know you won't believe me, I remember being told it myself) that things do get better. I was getting beat up daily, spat on and I was even sexually assaulted but now I have a loving partner, our own place and a baby on the way. I promise you it gets better.

Please message me if you want to talk.

mummylin2495 · 22/07/2013 23:15

I too am off now BT will check once more before I go to bed otherwise will check in tomorrow.

Futterby · 22/07/2013 23:45

I know I said you can message me if you want to talk, but please message me anyway. Even if you don't want to talk. I know it's so hard to talk sometimes but having the option to talk to someone if you don't want to take it can help.

I don't think my post makes any sense. But please, please message me.

Openyourheart · 23/07/2013 07:12

I've read more of your posts now. You seem to live near Manchester. That is such a cool city. I bet it is a great place to grow up and go to school. So much going on.

CatsAndTheirPizza · 23/07/2013 09:27

I hope you and your mum pulled together to get through the night BT. Thinking of you.

mummylin2495 · 23/07/2013 10:20

I echo cats post. Sending you some extra strength today to help you through this. You can do this BT. I have every trust in that and you x

CatsAndTheirPizza · 23/07/2013 11:42

You've created Mumsnet history BT; a Mumsnet thread where everyone is in agreement Smile. All in agreement that we are pleased you were born, it was the right thing, and that we want you alive and getting well.

mummylin2495 · 23/07/2013 13:25

Here's hoping that your life is not feeling quite so dark today. I hope you have told your mum, it's important that you do. She is the one closest to you and will I'm sure help you to see the right person. We are all behind you BT

cjel · 23/07/2013 13:38

Morning BT hope you had a good night and can find some good in today> If I could post photos I would show two of the baby frogs that were on my path when I came home!! I have really tiny ones about and inch big living in the long grass by the pond as well.
(just remembered the dragonfly thats why I mentioned them)xx

Openyourheart · 23/07/2013 14:43

How are you today? I hope you are feeling a little better.

mummylin2495 · 23/07/2013 22:18

Hope you have had an ok ish ( new word) day despite feeling so low. Hope we chat soon. In my thoughts

Caster8 · 23/07/2013 22:30

Hi Bengal Tiger. Just seen this thread.
I am a Christian too. Havent got time to read the whole thread tonight - I am partly through. Will pray for you.
I dont know your financial situation.
You may find a New revised Standard Version [NRSV] Bible or a Good News Bible easier to read and understand, if you find the King James difficult [which I do].
hth

Caster8 · 23/07/2013 22:34

fwiw, I used to be a foster parent. I can understand why and how you find it difficult to be open with your mum. Even though she is your mum.

mummylin2495 · 24/07/2013 08:52

Good morning BTheres hoping the world is a brighter place for you this morning. Hope you will be able to pop on and reassure us you are coping.

cjel · 24/07/2013 10:37

Morning BT, I am on second day in bed suffering from the effects of the heat, feel bit better today so am able to enjoy the rest. Hope it has cooled down where you are? Have you been out and about ?

mummylin2495 · 24/07/2013 16:41

cjel hope you soon feel better. No sign of you BT hope you are having a better day

cjel · 24/07/2013 16:46

thanks mummylin, yes I'm feeling better just wiped out.
Heresto BT feeling better as well.

Caster8 · 24/07/2013 19:04

I am very late to this thread as I have said. Have got about 2 more pages to read.
What I have noticed, amongst other things is that BT hasnt been on here for eg a week, that that is generally not good.
I have been on a couple of other threads a bit like this on MN and no news is good news on those. But I dont think it is with BengalTiger.

BengalTiger. Hi. Hope you dont mind me popping on, I feel a bit rude to be honest.
Do you think you are bottling things up, and if you can, you need to talk on here a bit?

cjel · 24/07/2013 19:06

Caster BT has had times when he needs to tuck in and not post, Hope you are watching if not posting BT.

Caster8 · 24/07/2013 19:06

Oh heck. Realised that 22 July is only 2 days ago Blush. Was thinking that monday just gone was 29 July. Blush

CatsAndTheirPizza · 24/07/2013 21:17

BT, I hope you are OK.

Yes Cjel, BT has seemed to need his isolation when feeling like this.

I think the main thing we should be encouraging you to do BT, is to speak to your mum and speak to your counsellor (or the hospital if you think you are in danger of harming yourself).

I won't be around on your thread for a while, but I hope you manage to climb out of this depression with as much fortitude as you have done before.

Unmumsnetty ones.

Original poster
BengalTiger · 24/07/2013 21:34

Life is so ridiculous. people unintentionally die from overdoses after taking a few pills but when i take 30 plus pills nothing happens. Twice i've tried to take my own life and twice I have failed. Options are running pretty thin. I've honestly resigned myself to dying. How I don't know yet because research on suicide methods suggests the really sure-fire way that works 80% of the time is a gun and that's impossible for me. i've barely slept in the 2 days. i can't, even when my eyelids are heavy.

OP posts:
mummylin2495 · 24/07/2013 21:47

Oh BT am I glad to see you tonight. I think you are meant to live that's why it dosent work. Dying is not in the plan for your life

mummylin2495 · 24/07/2013 21:51

Have you now discussed how you are feeling with your mum, if not please please do it as a matter of urgency. Stop looking up how to commit suicide instead look up how you can help to make life better, or find some letters from people who have lost someone through suicide and see what hurt they have caused to those left behind.
BT we all want you to want to live and to go forward and enjoy all the things you haven't experienced yet. You can do this.