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Mental health

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Original poster

Contemplating suicide

992 replies

BengalTiger · 11/05/2013 02:44

I know this site is for parents, and i'm nothing close to a parent (I'm 16) but I'm in a situation that very much involves the subject of parenting. So I thought with this being a site for parents, maybe I can get some insight.

I'm a lad and I don't know how to tell my mum that I'm constantly fantasising about suicide. My relationship with my mum is pretty complex. I'm biracial (she's white and my dad was black) and my parents split up when I was 6. Well my mum ran off to say the truth. My dad raised me but he died in January.

After not hearing from my mum for 8 years, she finally got in contact with me and my dad when I was 14. He didn't want anything to do with her but he said she was my mother and I should hear her out. I did. She was married and really wealthy. I wouldn't say I and my dad lived in poverty but we never had all that much either. It's weird cause I've never been angry at my mother for leaving me and my dad. She said she was really sorry for everything and I forgave her.

In the last 2 years we saw each other and went out and that. My dad died from a heart attack so now I live with my mum and her husband. In the last 3 months I've been overwhelmed with thoughts of suicide. My mum has been wonderful to me but unlike with my dad, I can't talk to her about really personal things.

And the truth is that ever since I was really young I've always been a self-loathing person. I don't know why. I just am. I don't have friends really. I prefer to stay on my own (somthing my mum doesn't understand) and most of the times I daydream, pretending that I'm a different person.

I just don't know how to tell her all of this stuff. I find it difficult to open up to anyone. I could only tell my dad about the most personal things in my life. Now that he's gone and I don't have anyone to tell.

I've been looking up suicide methods online and I'm constantly thinking about my death. I have some rope that I intend to hang myself with. But last night I came across a story about a mother who lost her son to suicide and I cried cause the whole thing basically destroyed her.

I don't really want to put my mum through that, but then again, life at the moment feels like hell. Waking up in the morning is terrible - the only respite I get is when I sleep. When there's nothing for me to think about. And that's why death is so alluring.

i don't know what to do.

OP posts:

mummylin2495 · 18/07/2013 22:47

Have a good day tomorrow, I'm off now , I have something to do, chat soon, goodnight x

Original poster

BengalTiger · 18/07/2013 22:59

My love for rain at night makes me wish we had the monsoon over here. And I hope you have a good night too. Chat soon.

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CatsAndTheirPizza · 19/07/2013 12:57

I can't cope with all this talk of rain ... it's so hot out there today. I remember taking my children for a walk a few summers ago when there were rivers of water running along the roads and it was tipping down. No-one else was out at all and it was lovely just splashing around in the empty streets.

Original poster

BengalTiger · 19/07/2013 13:55

Cats, you'll be crying for the hot weather when December comes around and your fingers are numb lol.

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CatsAndTheirPizza · 19/07/2013 14:28

I know . I like the sun - it's just the humidity.

Original poster

BengalTiger · 19/07/2013 23:36

does anyone ever wonder what the point of life really is?

OP posts:

CatsAndTheirPizza · 19/07/2013 23:56

What's up BT?

cjel · 20/07/2013 08:23

Morning BT. YES YES YES I do wonder about the meaning of life is and have at times felt it is pointless, hopeless struggle I have come to my conclusion that there is more to life than that we know now and I live with hope now. I don't really know what changed for me but i sort of think that there is a plan for me,someone guides me and loves me and that there is a life after this!!! My point in life is to try and help people around me have a good life, I find looking after other people my purpose if you can follow any of that?!!!
Hope you are ok this morning?

Original poster

BengalTiger · 20/07/2013 10:52

Sometimes, like you say Cjel, life just seems to be a pointless struggle. I understand what you mean - about your purpose and mission in life and I gotta say that it's a really noble and honourable one. You're a very good person. I don't know who said it, but I remember once hearing a quote that says a human without purpose is like a boat at sea without a sail. Someetimes I don't feel like I have a sail. And then I just wonder what the point of life is.

To answer your question, Cats - I feel like I never should've been born.

OP posts:

mummylin2495 · 20/07/2013 11:05

You have been put on this earth for a reason. Maybe that reason has not become apparent to you yet. My reason was to give birth to my children and in turn for them to have their own. I also think another reason is for me to be able to help others, which that is more important to me than any religion could ever be.
So to sum up life as I see it. We are here to help anyone that we can along the way, even just a cheerful word can make a difference when someone has no- one else. And with the knowledge we can help others it brings a contentment within ourselves that we have done the best that we can.
I think most of us want to be loved and to be able to show love. That is all.
We can all be tested in our lives , it's how you and others deal with it that shapes our lives. Xx

Original poster

BengalTiger · 20/07/2013 11:20

I honestly don't believe I'm here for a reason. I do believe that the other people being born is just meant to be (like with you and your children) but I don't think I'm one of those people. Like with Cjel, I admire the fact that you help people so much (the same with others on this site).

You're right that everyone is tested in life at some point. But I'm tired of it to be honest. I'm tired of being really optimistic one day and really down the next. That's why I feel like life is pointless for me. Just don't see the purpose in having a dull ache in my throat and chest. Non-existence seems easier.

OP posts:

mummylin2495 · 20/07/2013 11:38

BT believe me you are here for a reason. You bought happiness to your dad and I'm sure for your mum too.
In the past couple of weeks you have glimpses of what life can be for you. It hasn't all been sadness, you have had happy times too.
Do you think your friends would be better people if they had never known you ? Of course they wouldn't. As we go through life we meet new people and very often form new groups of friends but I can honestly say that everyone of my friends. Past or present has added something to my life, and your friends will be the same.when you have finished seeing the medical people that is vital to you, hopefully you will have more self worth and see that yes BT is here for. Reason xx

CatsAndTheirPizza · 20/07/2013 11:46

Just look how far you have come BT. I know you feel rubbish at the moment, but at the top of this thread you felt like this all the time, now it's just random days. In between you've been positive and beginning to really enjoy life. I know you keep getting sucked back down into these feelings of despair, but from where I sit, you are getting much, much better at pulling yourself back out again too.

You won't have found your mission in life yet - but that doesn't mean to say you won't have one. You have good brain, you love writing, you love sport and wildlife- there are so many things that can become your mission - so much good you can do, that will in turn make you feel good too.

Original poster

BengalTiger · 20/07/2013 12:03

@ Lin - I doubt I brought happiness to my mum - if I did she wouldn't have left in the first place. And my dad's not here anymore. I didn't speak to my mum for eight years and I didn't even know she whether she was dead or alive. So I think if my own mum can severe all ties for 8 years then my mates would be better off if they'd never known me. You're a great person and you've been so helpful to me.

@ Cats - All the things you mention - the things that can become my mission, they just seem so far away.

OP posts:

Original poster

BengalTiger · 20/07/2013 12:10

Everyone here has been really nice to me and i'm sorry for letting you down but this is just how I feel.

OP posts:

mummylin2495 · 20/07/2013 12:17

Bt I doubt it was an easy decision for your mum to leave you. I'm sure it is hard for you to understand how she could do it, but it happens for various reasons and it does not prove that your mum didnt love you. In fact this is often the reason mums leave their children because they love them. Obviously I don't know the circumstances but just trying to show you things are not just black and white in the adult world.
You seem to be in a negative void today and I doubt anything we say will make you feel differently, but do give it some thought, that your mum may have regrets, but you are only 16 and it may be you have to look to the future. You are with your mum now and potentially a lot of years ahead. Try and focus on that instead and forgive your mum for what you think she had done wrong. You say you are happy with her now. Don't look backwards xx

mummylin2495 · 20/07/2013 12:20

Your not letting us down BT we just want to help you, you could be any of our sons and we know how it would be if our own son was so sad. You can and will get through this and if we can help in anyway we will be happy x

Original poster

BengalTiger · 20/07/2013 12:38

Sometimes I think about all the years we missed. True that there's a lot of years ahead of us but there's some things/memories that we missed we'll never have the chance to get back. You can't buy time.

I'm really knackered as I had a really rough night last night. Didn't sleep well. I'm gonna have a nap.

Have a nice day.

OP posts:

mummylin2495 · 20/07/2013 13:10

No you can't get that time back, but you can build new memories and cherish the fact that you and your mum are now reconciled.
We all have things in our lives that we wish we could change, but it's not possible, we have to move on as best we can. Honestly BT you have a great future in front of you, but I think at the moment all you can see is now. You are a very articulate young man and have great potential for a fab future, it's just clouded for you at the moment because you are feeling so low. Give life a chance to be great for you xx enjoy your rest x

cjel · 20/07/2013 14:18

BT I don't feel let down by you feeling like this today. I feel sad because I would rather you didn't have to but not let down.

Remember our moods are not fixed, when we are really happy we don't expect to stay in that place forever and when we are low we can realise our mood always does lift. Its like waiting for the tide to change, if only we could relax and recognise that this to will pass. it will always lift again, Partly because you have had a good spell you can see how low your low time is.
Try and get rest and use distractions (mn, music etc) to pass the time till you lift again.
When your mood has changed your purpose may be less important or you may feel you evan see glimpses of it. Perhaps even what you are going through is part of that purpose so that you in turn can help others in the future, or know how important it is for us to have people we can turn to.

Get good peaceful rest.x

CatsAndTheirPizza · 20/07/2013 14:44

I think the problem with depression is that when you are tired, stressed or ill, things come tumbling down again. Plus, the weather is making it hard to sleep, which doesn't help.

Does your girlfriend understand why you need to be on your own right now? Maybe explain to her so that she doesn't think it is her.

Of course you have a place in this world BT. I can't imagine a BT-less-world. You have a lovely personality, the real you shines through in your posts, and when you are better from this horrible depression, you will find some peace of mind. I think cjel has it on the nail, this feels so bad, because recently you have experienced some good times. Gradually those bad times will become fewer and fewer.

mummylin2495 · 21/07/2013 18:34

Here's hoping that your spirits have lifted a little today. When do you next have an apt to see anyone ?

Original poster

BengalTiger · 22/07/2013 20:22

does anyone here believe in God?

OP posts:

cjel · 22/07/2013 20:53

what makes you ask?

Original poster

BengalTiger · 22/07/2013 20:59

I've been reading the bible in the last couple of days. I was never religious at all but now that i'm reading it ive been thinking about the concept of heaven. If it exists I know my dad's there. I wanna be there with him. It sounds so much better than my present life.

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