Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Mental health

Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Contemplating suicide

992 replies

BengalTiger · 11/05/2013 02:44

I know this site is for parents, and i'm nothing close to a parent (I'm 16) but I'm in a situation that very much involves the subject of parenting. So I thought with this being a site for parents, maybe I can get some insight.

I'm a lad and I don't know how to tell my mum that I'm constantly fantasising about suicide. My relationship with my mum is pretty complex. I'm biracial (she's white and my dad was black) and my parents split up when I was 6. Well my mum ran off to say the truth. My dad raised me but he died in January.

After not hearing from my mum for 8 years, she finally got in contact with me and my dad when I was 14. He didn't want anything to do with her but he said she was my mother and I should hear her out. I did. She was married and really wealthy. I wouldn't say I and my dad lived in poverty but we never had all that much either. It's weird cause I've never been angry at my mother for leaving me and my dad. She said she was really sorry for everything and I forgave her.

In the last 2 years we saw each other and went out and that. My dad died from a heart attack so now I live with my mum and her husband. In the last 3 months I've been overwhelmed with thoughts of suicide. My mum has been wonderful to me but unlike with my dad, I can't talk to her about really personal things.

And the truth is that ever since I was really young I've always been a self-loathing person. I don't know why. I just am. I don't have friends really. I prefer to stay on my own (somthing my mum doesn't understand) and most of the times I daydream, pretending that I'm a different person.

I just don't know how to tell her all of this stuff. I find it difficult to open up to anyone. I could only tell my dad about the most personal things in my life. Now that he's gone and I don't have anyone to tell.

I've been looking up suicide methods online and I'm constantly thinking about my death. I have some rope that I intend to hang myself with. But last night I came across a story about a mother who lost her son to suicide and I cried cause the whole thing basically destroyed her.

I don't really want to put my mum through that, but then again, life at the moment feels like hell. Waking up in the morning is terrible - the only respite I get is when I sleep. When there's nothing for me to think about. And that's why death is so alluring.

i don't know what to do.

OP posts:
cjel · 14/07/2013 21:18

reading about your weekend I really smiled as you sound like a different person from that OPSmile

CatsAndTheirPizza · 15/07/2013 17:35

How are you feeling today BT?

mummylin2495 · 16/07/2013 12:27

I am hoping your absence is because you are busy with your new girlfriend rather than anything else. I can still remember how you get caught up in the romance of it all. It's great !

cjel · 16/07/2013 14:22

hows you day going BT

Original poster
BengalTiger · 16/07/2013 19:33

Hey everyone. I've not been feeling too good in the last couple of days. I tend to isolate myself when I'm really down.

OP posts:
cjel · 16/07/2013 21:56

Sorry to hear that, although I still find that I need to be alone to be refreshed, I call it tucking in and my close friends and family know if I say I need to tuck in that I don't want to be dragged out or have company!! The difference is recognising when my tucking in is turning into a depressive wallow.
Did it do you good?

Original poster
BengalTiger · 16/07/2013 22:08

Yeah I know what you mean about needing to be alone at times. I get that quite a bit'. And I wouldn't say it did me a lot of good, but it did make me realise a few things.

OP posts:
cjel · 16/07/2013 23:34

I think its ok as long as you don't use the time to think too negatively. then it can be a real pain and drag you down again can't it.

mummylin2495 · 17/07/2013 00:21

Sorry you have had a bad couple of days. I think it is still to be expected, although i still think you are making great strides in the right direction. Don't let this blip enfulge you too much.this will probably keep happening now and then for quite a while,but gradually hopefully the time in between will get longer, don't despair, you are def getting better. Small steps will become big strides ! X

Original poster
BengalTiger · 17/07/2013 11:38

@ Cjel - When I isolate myself things tend to get worse. I'm gonna go out today and do something. I tend to feel better when I do.

@ Lin - Yeah, you're right. Before I had some rough patches but I remained optimistic. Just gotta get that back. Going out for a walk/chilling with my girlfriend soon so hopefully I'll feel better.

OP posts:
CatsAndTheirPizza · 17/07/2013 12:13

'My girlfriend' - that's the first time you've actually called her that on here Smile.

I hope you can find something to take your mind off things today.

cjel · 17/07/2013 12:43

Well done BT, its great to recognise what is helpful and going out with your 'girfriend'(you slipped that in ! did you hope we wouldn't notice[smile) would obviously be much better for you than staying in and wallowing.x

Original poster
BengalTiger · 17/07/2013 12:51

lol well she is :)

I actually don't like staying in when the sun is shining. That gets me down even more so it'll be good to be out.

OP posts:
mummylin2495 · 17/07/2013 19:07

Hello BT hope you have picked up today. Looks good when you write about your girlfriend didn't think you would be writing that a couple of weeks ago did you ? Nearly the weekend again, what are your plans, what fun things will you both be doing ? It's good that we are having this warm spell cause you can just wander about and not have to pay to get in anywhere to avoid the weather.do you have a nice park where you live ? Summer is the time for picnics !

Original poster
BengalTiger · 18/07/2013 20:52

Yeah we have a nice park near my house. And I haven't got anything planned really for the weekend. Probably spend more time chilling together. I've been feeling down still but I feel much better when I'm around her.

Hope you and everyone else here is well.

OP posts:
mummylin2495 · 18/07/2013 20:58

Good that you are planning to spend time with your girlfriend at the weekend, it gives you something to look forward to . That will lift your spirits I expect. Mind you this weather is making us all feel a bit washed up i think ! Just going out to water my garden be back in a while

Original poster
BengalTiger · 18/07/2013 21:28

We'll be missing this weather come November :) I actually love winter thoug. Like when it gets dark at around 3pm. I love that. Don't know why.

OP posts:
mummylin2495 · 18/07/2013 21:38

I love snow ! I know most people don't but I am different and the more we have the better I like it. But sometimes everywhere in the uk is covered in it and we have none ! It's horrible seeing it on the tele , it's looks so beautiful and we have zilch ! Iam weird , I love the snow , but hate hate hate the cold. I also like freak weather and love to watch volcano,s . I often look up stir chasers on the net so I can see some of the huge hailstones and tornados and stuff, but I have to say I don't wish anyone to come to harm.

mummylin2495 · 18/07/2013 21:41

And I also love the dark nights when we are all cosy indoors. Not so good if you have to go out in it though. Another thing I like is the rain and wind when we are indoors. Makes me feel very snug indoors. But I find running water very relaxing, we have a p d with a waterfall and I love listening to that when I'm in bed.

Original poster
BengalTiger · 18/07/2013 21:45

Ohh I hate snow lol. Especially when it melts! Surely you don't like it when it melts! And I don't blame you for hating the cold. I don't know a lot of people that like it. Glad my PE days are behind me in that respect. Hated PE when it's winter - after like 10 or 20 mins it's okay cause your body has been running and it warms up but it's awful at the start. Volcanoes are cool. Used to be obsessed with them when I was a kid.

And the rain thing and running water - wow we must be distantly related lol. I have a video of a heavy rainstorm I downloaded on Youtube. It's an hour long. I just play it on my ipod when I'm sleeping and put it on repeat for the whole night. I'm so used to it I can't sleep without it.

It's werid cause so many people love the sound of rain when in bed. Don't know why though.

OP posts:
cjel · 18/07/2013 21:47

I like this weather if I can stay cool,love the cold and snow too, not keen on that bit of nothing weather when its just grey and wet!!!
BT glad you have someone to chill with, I miss that now i'm on my own.I'm sitting here with patio door open and listening to fountain in the pond outside. Its lovely Smile

Original poster
BengalTiger · 18/07/2013 22:05

The worst of the grey and wet are those annoying showers that last the whole day! If it's gonna rain I prefer that it just monsoons for a bit before stopping.

So you like the sound of running water too? Awesome :)

OP posts:
cjel · 18/07/2013 22:09

yes especially in this heat it is somehow cooling - if that doesn't sound weird. Been down our local openair pool again this afternoon and it was manic.
Do you go in the water to swim BT?

Original poster
BengalTiger · 18/07/2013 22:13

Nah it doesn't sound weird. I get ya. I don't swim as much as I used to but I still enjoy it.

OP posts:
mummylin2495 · 18/07/2013 22:40

Oh we all like running water ! Yes we must be family ! No I don't like the snow so much when it melts, just when it's falling and fresh on the ground. I have a conservatory on the back of my house and when it rains, it beats down on the roof. I actually slept out there one night as it sounded so nice ! It's prob because we are all cosy indoors that we .ike the rain, I don't like being out in it