Contemplating suicide

[BengalTiger]

I know this site is for parents, and i'm nothing close to a parent (I'm 16) but I'm in a situation that very much involves the subject of parenting. So I thought with this being a site for parents, maybe I can get some insight.

I'm a lad and I don't know how to tell my mum that I'm constantly fantasising about suicide. My relationship with my mum is pretty complex. I'm biracial (she's white and my dad was black) and my parents split up when I was 6. Well my mum ran off to say the truth. My dad raised me but he died in January.

After not hearing from my mum for 8 years, she finally got in contact with me and my dad when I was 14. He didn't want anything to do with her but he said she was my mother and I should hear her out. I did. She was married and really wealthy. I wouldn't say I and my dad lived in poverty but we never had all that much either. It's weird cause I've never been angry at my mother for leaving me and my dad. She said she was really sorry for everything and I forgave her.

In the last 2 years we saw each other and went out and that. My dad died from a heart attack so now I live with my mum and her husband. In the last 3 months I've been overwhelmed with thoughts of suicide. My mum has been wonderful to me but unlike with my dad, I can't talk to her about really personal things.

And the truth is that ever since I was really young I've always been a self-loathing person. I don't know why. I just am. I don't have friends really. I prefer to stay on my own (somthing my mum doesn't understand) and most of the times I daydream, pretending that I'm a different person.

I just don't know how to tell her all of this stuff. I find it difficult to open up to anyone. I could only tell my dad about the most personal things in my life. Now that he's gone and I don't have anyone to tell.

I've been looking up suicide methods online and I'm constantly thinking about my death. I have some rope that I intend to hang myself with. But last night I came across a story about a mother who lost her son to suicide and I cried cause the whole thing basically destroyed her.

I don't really want to put my mum through that, but then again, life at the moment feels like hell. Waking up in the morning is terrible - the only respite I get is when I sleep. When there's nothing for me to think about. And that's why death is so alluring.

i don't know what to do.

Hope you're having a good day too, Lin.

@ Cjel - that's a really good quote. I'll try to remember it. I definitely need to remember it actually. I'm happiest when I'm doing the things I love.

I'm feeling pretty anxious at the moment. I had another therapy session in the morning and I was feeling okay. But something from when I was little has come up and it's making me feel anxious. It's really silly but it has such a big effect on me.

My dad was black and my mum's white, but I don't look like the average half black/half white person. In fact, I look white - the only hint of my mixed race background is my hair. I kinda look like the professional basketball player Austin Rivers - his dad's black and his mum's white but he also looks Caucasian. The only hint is in his hair when it's long.

Anyway, when my mum left when I was 6 and I was out with my dad, people would always be surprised to hear that he was my dad. And because we looked different and because my mum had left, I thought he'd leave too, because we didn't look the same. And it made me anxious. It's so stupid I know but that's how I felt at the time.

I've always struggled with my racial identity. Most people that don't know me think I'm white but I always consider myself to be mixed. And today I'm anxious cause of the same topic but a different reason. My hands are actually shaking.

HelloBT you know what I think ? It dosent really matter what races you are made up of,that is what makes you who you are. People will either like you or not like you but it won't be because of your family background I'm sure. Be proud of who you are and who your dad was.
In fact it makes you more interesting !
On a change of discussion , just had the most beautiful dragonfly in and it landed on my curtain long enough for me to take a photo of it. It's about 4 inches long and it's wings are a goldy colour. We have a river not so far away it's prob come from round there.
I am sorry you are feeling out of sorts after your apt. What is it that really bothers you about your background ?
Mynephew is married to a Kenyan girl! Nephew very white his lovely wife very dark. The y have the most beautiful children , their skin is like their mums, but they look like both parents if that makes any sense.

That's the thing - I am proud. It's just that earlier I was with a girl I like and her cousin. She's mixed like me but she wouldn't believe me that my dad's black. It's only obvious when my hair is long (the texture) and it's short atm. And it made me feel anxious cause these days I'm clinging onto everything my dad . Whether it be music or sports. It doesn't make sense.it's stupid I know. That's just how I feel.

I like dragonflies. Very graceful :)

Why do you have to prove it to anyone.You have told her and if she dosent believe you it's her problem. Let me tell you something, you don't have to find something to cling on to, you are the legacy your dad has left . He could not of left any greater memory. Pretty shallow of the girl really. Haven't you a photo you can show her , just to shut her up.

Is there a hint of romance blooming with you and this girl ?

Nah you're right - like you said, I don't have to prove anything to her. You're right. I shouldn't dignify her suspicion with a photo. Doesn't deserve it.

I really wish I were more like you. Like you said before, you do the things you want as long as they don't hurt anyone or anything, so you pretty much block out what others think. I find that hard to do.

Lol well we used to be good mates when we first started secondary school. But then she moved away in Year 8 but she came back in December. I didn't know she was back cause she didn't come back to the school she used to go to and I was still living with my dad when he was alive (she lives across the street from where my mum's house is). I only found out she was back when I moved in with my mum. I like her. We're spending a lot of time together atm but I'm shy so I don't know if I should ask her out. Plus I don't know about it cause of all my mental issues.

Well it sometimes is hard to do, but eventually you get more confidence in yourself and things that bother you now , may not this time next year. I wasnt always confident until I worked in a canteen where there mostly men and I learnt to put up with all sorts of stuff, so I had to stand up for myself then. It did me the world of good actually. But I have never liked being told what to do, I will do the opposite, but if I am asked to do something it's different. I have to stand up for myself I am only small , and I will not be bullied etc. I quite like me actually

Nothing wrong with taking her for a meal or something, you are not committing to marriage ! It's good to have friends of the opposite sex even if that's all it remains, go on pluck up the courage.you would ask her if you had a broken leg, well MH is illness same as any other. Don't let your MH stop you from living a normal life. I would let you take me out .have you got a circle of friends that you trust or do you tend to keep yourself to yourself ?

That's good. It's cool that you have so much conviction. I should take a leaf out of your book.

About the girl - thing is, I'm afraid i I ask her out and she says no, it'll be proper awkward between us and our friendship would suffer from it. Then again, there's another lad on my street and he's pretty charismatic. He talks to her a bit and I feel like i'm running out of time cause I know he's gonna make a move! We were actually supposed to go out on Saturday (the shopping and maybe the film) but the bloody bug got me.

And I tend to keep things to myself. When I was younger I was much more outgoing but these days not so much. I keep to myself a lot.

Go for it then while you have the chance. You don't want to be pipped at the post.. Just be sort of causal and ask her if she fancies going out for a pizza or something ! You won't know unless you ask her. She can only say yes or no. If she says yes it will be great, but if she says no then you will know not to pursue it and waste any of your time and put it down to experience. Lots of girls out there you know.

The not knowing sounds worse than the thought of no actually. I'm seeing her in the evening. So hopefully I'll pluck up the courage :)

Gives BT a little shove in the right direction. Don't fret too much you are only asking her if she wants to go out , not if she wants to get married ! Have you had any inclination that she likes you too ? If you have you def have to ask her. As I said at least you will know one way or another. You won't be fretting about it wondering wether to ask or not . Good luck. ( keeping fingers crossed for you ) x

Been away for a bit and look what happens mummylin turns matchmaker!!
I think its really understandable that you want to cling to any part of you that was your dad, I think i'd be scared that if i didn't i'd lose the memory as well.
As you spend more time with your friend it may come up naturally again about your dad and the photo may come out naturally, you never know she might be sensitive about her race and thought you were teasing her.
Sounds like you already asked her out if you were going out before you were ill, relationships that develop slowly are lovely,less nasty surprises!!

@lin - I'm absolutely crap at reading signs from girls so I wouldn't know about the inclination on whether she's into me or not as more than a friend. But she knocks on my door quite a bit and asks if I wanna go out, so that's something. My mum keeps telling me that she likes me but I'm not so sure. And thanks for the advice and good luck. Appreciated :)

@cjel - She suggested for us to go out shopping. I was looking forward to it actually - not the shopping part. Just wanted to spend time with her. It's funny cause we didn't like each other when we first started going to secondary school. One of my old mates asked one of her old mates out and the girl said something nasty about him. So I defended him and then there was a bit of bad blood between her and her mates and me and my mates. But then our Year 7 form was so bad we eventually had to sit boy/girl and I sat next to her. Then we became friends.

Your mum must know the signs. If I were you just go with your instincts.
cjel I'm not called Majorie Proops for nothing

lin = the sad thing is I know who you mean!!

Who's Majorie Proops?

Ha ha hah, she was a famous agony aunt years ago, she is dead now. Gave lots of advice.

Ahh. I get it now :)

See you learn something every day ! So what you gonna do for the rest of today ? I think I will be cooking dinner later today as its too hot to eat. We will eat about seven in the garden. Then it will be time to water the garden.

I'm just playing videogames lol. Then in a couple of hours I'm gonna see le girl. What are you gonna cook? I love food but I suck at cooking. Can only make the basic stuff.

I am trying to stay cool while man outside window continues to build patio, I am then going to our local open air swimming pool where I volunteer a few times a week, then home about 8 and I think garden watering as well.
You going out BT or do you try and stay in and keep cool?