Contemplating suicide

[BengalTiger]

I know this site is for parents, and i'm nothing close to a parent (I'm 16) but I'm in a situation that very much involves the subject of parenting. So I thought with this being a site for parents, maybe I can get some insight.

I'm a lad and I don't know how to tell my mum that I'm constantly fantasising about suicide. My relationship with my mum is pretty complex. I'm biracial (she's white and my dad was black) and my parents split up when I was 6. Well my mum ran off to say the truth. My dad raised me but he died in January.

After not hearing from my mum for 8 years, she finally got in contact with me and my dad when I was 14. He didn't want anything to do with her but he said she was my mother and I should hear her out. I did. She was married and really wealthy. I wouldn't say I and my dad lived in poverty but we never had all that much either. It's weird cause I've never been angry at my mother for leaving me and my dad. She said she was really sorry for everything and I forgave her.

In the last 2 years we saw each other and went out and that. My dad died from a heart attack so now I live with my mum and her husband. In the last 3 months I've been overwhelmed with thoughts of suicide. My mum has been wonderful to me but unlike with my dad, I can't talk to her about really personal things.

And the truth is that ever since I was really young I've always been a self-loathing person. I don't know why. I just am. I don't have friends really. I prefer to stay on my own (somthing my mum doesn't understand) and most of the times I daydream, pretending that I'm a different person.

I just don't know how to tell her all of this stuff. I find it difficult to open up to anyone. I could only tell my dad about the most personal things in my life. Now that he's gone and I don't have anyone to tell.

I've been looking up suicide methods online and I'm constantly thinking about my death. I have some rope that I intend to hang myself with. But last night I came across a story about a mother who lost her son to suicide and I cried cause the whole thing basically destroyed her.

I don't really want to put my mum through that, but then again, life at the moment feels like hell. Waking up in the morning is terrible - the only respite I get is when I sleep. When there's nothing for me to think about. And that's why death is so alluring.

i don't know what to do.

Wow that's incredible. You got to see Mo Farah? So jealous. You're right. The gulf between exceptional athletes and the rest is ridiculous.

Good morning BT glad to see that your sickness was caused by a bug. Doesn't sound quite right me saying that does it ?
I hope you are feeling a bit better today. Def too many crisps !
Well I am off out for breakfast this morning in a little cafe. I go there every Friday with my niece and one of my brothers and one of his friends. Then we will come back here and sit in the garden and chat.
I hope this beautiful weather will lift your spirits today,
How are you getting on with your game. I found the paint !! Didnt realise I already had it in my collection of stuff. Have a great day today and hope your sickness goes away completely. Catch you later.

@ Lin - Nah it's cool I know you mean :) The breakfast sounds nice. I hope you have a great day and good that you found the paint. And I'm not playing the games at the moment. Not feeling up for it. Watching Planet Earth to pass the time. The doctor said the sickness will go in a day or two.

Chat soon.

Just waiting for my niece to arrive. I watched a programme late last night and it was about a bear that had been born in captivity and the owner used to do wrestling with it. Anyway they were doing some training with it when all of a sudden it stood up and sank its teeth into one of the trainers. Necks.It was horrific and the guy died. It was all captured on video. The bear was not put to sleep I'm glad to say and the owner was allowed to keep it.
I love watching programmes about nature, I have a whole series of planet earth. It's fab. The only thing I don't like is snakes, and I would be petrified if I came across one. We do get slow worms now and again in our garden. I am frightened of those as well. Can't stand the forked to tongue. The slithering and the beady eyes. Other than that I think I like most animals ( apart from toads )
I think my favourite animal are Deer. I just love them and that probably stems from when I was a little girl and my best book ever was Bambi !
I quite like camels actually even though they spit, but I am fascinated by their feet. When they put their foot down it just sort of spreads out like jelly. It's great fun to have a ride on one, which I have done a few times now. Oh and I am part of a flying ant survey this year. I am waiting for them to send me a tube to collect some when they come out this year. No idea what they will be looking for.

Wow, that bear story is really frightening and tragic. That's the thing about people keeping such powerful animals like that as "pets." 99% of the time they could be docile but when it flips out during that 1%, it can cause a lot of damage cause of how powerful the animal is.

Oh my word I'm so with you on the snakes bit!! My mum told me that when I was little I'd cry when a snake came on the tele. I'm absolutely terrified of em. Can't watch 'em on the TV - can't even play a game that has snakes on it! They're just so disgusting in every way. On Planet Earth, there's a cave episode with snakes - I fast-foward on that bit. A lad who used to go to my school kept a pet snake. Dude was out of his mind.

Deer are really cute and graceful. It's cool that you've had a ride on a camel. Where did you do it?

Snakes are lovely when you get to hold them BT - they don't feel like you expect them to and are quite cute! They feel almost rubbery.

Deer are beautiful - I love cows too; they have such beautiful eyes.

Over-use of the word 'beautiful' in that last sentence! I need to extend my vocabulary a bit - I'll leave the writing to you!

Snakes cute?! I have a hard time believing that! Maybe I should put holding a snake on my to do list. Conquering your fears and all. I like cows too. They're lovely creatures.

The intense sickness has come back. I'm throwing up more frequently. It's beyond ridiculous.

I don't think cute s a word I could equate with snakes ugh ! I am very very scared if them and lie you bT it makes me feel horrible when I even see them on the tele. There was a prog on not so long ago where somewhere in America this guy has 72 reptiles , he keeps them all in one room right Next to his children's bedroom. He had an expert snake handler there to show him all the dangers involved but the bloke would have none of it and drove off during the programme. They also showed a couple of snake handlers who just for a second took their eyes off the snake with terrible consequences. They both got bitten. One had to lose his hand and the other very nearly his life.
Think ill stick to our fish !
Have you taken anything to stop your vomiting ? Normally these things seem to be gone in a couple of days, hope that's the case for you.

72 reptiles? Madness! What's the guy thinking? I'm glad he's not my dad! That's completely crazy. I don't even see how the local authorities can permit that. Thing that differentiates snakes from a lot of other animals too is the poison. The bite is bad enough, but the poison is even worse!

And yeah, I've been given antibiotics. I've stopped throwing up now. I still feel nauseous and weak but I'm okay.

It's my mum's birthday next week. I don't know what to get though. Any suggestions?

Any clues as to what she likes, flowers , books, perfume ?

Do you have a garden ? If so maybe she would like something that is solar powered to,put out there, you can get some really pretty things, birds, animals etc and they are a reasonable price.
Just noticed how early you were up this morning ! Is that your normal time or couldn't you sleep

She loves flowers and yeah we do have a garden. But I have no idea about flowers unfortunately. Oh and I slept in the evening last night and woke up at 5AM. Did me a world of good as I feel so much better.

You don't need to know about flowers, just go to a florist or supermarket, they have them ready made up in bunches so its easy . I love having flowers. Can't beat it

Thanks for the suggestion :)

If she has a favourite colour , you could ask a florist to make her a bouguet using that colour with matching ribbon, or maybe a little basket of flowers.
Very hot here today, too hot to even do anything ! Glad vomiting has stopped. Hope it's a good day for you.

Purple is her favourite colour. I think I'll go for that. What is it with women and flowers? I don't understand the fascination lol.

I'm having a pretty good day today. i hope you're having a good day too.

was going to suggest flowers, Don't know the fascination but they always make me happy!! Also pleased to hear that even after your illness you can manage a good day,

Hope you had a good day too :)

I like your mum. We have the same fav colour ! I even had my hair purple about 4 yrs ago ! Then I changed it to pink and purple, now it's a blonde colour with red streaks ! My GC think I'm a cool nan hahah. I am a bit of a rebel and if someone says to me " oh you will never do that " I of course will do it!
I have always been the same, and all my family are used to it. I think I do things because a) i have been told not to b) I like to shock and c) because I want to.
As long as nothing I do hurts anyone it dosent really matter does it. But everyone also knows that if I can help,them with something I will
I am so glad you are having a good day today, I think the good weather gives everyone a lift, and for you in particular its a good day because the vomiting has now stopped. Have you been able to eat anything today ?

Your GC is right - you are cool :) It's good to follow your tastes despite what anyone else says actually. I admire that way of living life. A lot of the time I've done things because others have expected them of me and I haven't been really happy. Like you say, if it doesn't hurt anyone, then there's no problem. I say you should always go for it :)

And I didn't eat much yesterday but I've had an bacon and toast since I woke up today so that's a start.

Good morning BT I see you had another early morning ! I don't think I will be doing much today, I don't function very well in the heat. Glad to see you have eaten. Any plans for today ? I already have all my windows open and luckily I have a ceiling fan in my lounge so that will be on as well. I have a very nice tree I can sit under which will give a bit of shade so that's where I will be some of the time.
Are you intending to watch the tennis later ? I'm not because quite frankly I don't like it ! I prefer to listen to music but I expect my dh will be glued to it.
I am never satisfied, don't like the cold but don't like too much heat either!
I watched another animal attack last night. It was a young girl killed by a coyote attack in Canada. She was a budding singer. It's on the prog called " wild" it was interesting how the investigators worked out what had happened to make them attack as this was out of character for the coyote who normally stay away from humans. It's because there is a new breed of them. It is a cross between a coyote and a wolf and they are quite aggressive.
Hope you have a great day today and your spirits are lifted by the sunshine x

I heard a saying by St Catherine the other day, its something like 'As you live as the person you are supposed to be you can set the world ablaze'
I lost that for a few decades during my marriage but its coming back to me who I should be. You should strive only to be the best BT you can

You're like a desert fox. Avoiding the heat :) And yeah, I watched the tennis. Not much of a tennis fan but Cats and Pizza convinced me and you know what, I'm glad I watched the final :) It was fun.

That coyote story is something. Poor girl. It makes sense that the animal was a crossbreed. From what I know about coyotes, they like to avoid humans.