Contemplating suicide

[BengalTiger]

I know this site is for parents, and i'm nothing close to a parent (I'm 16) but I'm in a situation that very much involves the subject of parenting. So I thought with this being a site for parents, maybe I can get some insight.

I'm a lad and I don't know how to tell my mum that I'm constantly fantasising about suicide. My relationship with my mum is pretty complex. I'm biracial (she's white and my dad was black) and my parents split up when I was 6. Well my mum ran off to say the truth. My dad raised me but he died in January.

After not hearing from my mum for 8 years, she finally got in contact with me and my dad when I was 14. He didn't want anything to do with her but he said she was my mother and I should hear her out. I did. She was married and really wealthy. I wouldn't say I and my dad lived in poverty but we never had all that much either. It's weird cause I've never been angry at my mother for leaving me and my dad. She said she was really sorry for everything and I forgave her.

In the last 2 years we saw each other and went out and that. My dad died from a heart attack so now I live with my mum and her husband. In the last 3 months I've been overwhelmed with thoughts of suicide. My mum has been wonderful to me but unlike with my dad, I can't talk to her about really personal things.

And the truth is that ever since I was really young I've always been a self-loathing person. I don't know why. I just am. I don't have friends really. I prefer to stay on my own (somthing my mum doesn't understand) and most of the times I daydream, pretending that I'm a different person.

I just don't know how to tell her all of this stuff. I find it difficult to open up to anyone. I could only tell my dad about the most personal things in my life. Now that he's gone and I don't have anyone to tell.

I've been looking up suicide methods online and I'm constantly thinking about my death. I have some rope that I intend to hang myself with. But last night I came across a story about a mother who lost her son to suicide and I cried cause the whole thing basically destroyed her.

I don't really want to put my mum through that, but then again, life at the moment feels like hell. Waking up in the morning is terrible - the only respite I get is when I sleep. When there's nothing for me to think about. And that's why death is so alluring.

i don't know what to do.

I'm staying in at the moment. Gonna be out later. Got a fan next to me so that's good. My room gets really hot actually when I have the computer, TV and PlayStation on (as is the case) so the fan is much needed. It's cool that you volunteer at the swimming pool. I love swimming.

Think we are going to have steak and either chips or wedges. With pepper sauce for dh and onion rings with garden peas . Dh will not eat any salad at all, nothing ! So that's what he will have . I love the black pepper and salt wedges, so will have those. Wattling take a time dosent itcjel and we have a big garden and lots of pots and baskets, and that's just the back. Our front is smaller but still baskets and the bedding plants, I don't like dh doing it because he is too heavy handed and puts the spray on far too hard, so it's my job !
BT am I derailing your thread, I keep nattering on about different things ? Do say if I am

Love steak :) So nice. Now you've got me craving it! And no, you're not derailing my thread at all. It's nice just to chat about things, even flowers :)

Ok , long as you are sure, I know you came on here for support and I'm waffling about everything else, flowers food, romance ! Just going to put photos on my comp ( am on iPad it moment ) will put the dragon fly one on

Talking about different things helps. It can be exhausting just thinking about depression all the time.

P.S. BTW, it wasn't the girl I like who didn't believe that I'm mixed. I meant it was her cousin. I just re-read it and it sounded like it was the girl I like. The girl I like is white and her cousin is mixed. That's what I meant.

Oh ok. I will store that bit of info. Had trouble trying to get my pic on mn. My old comp is packing up , I have a new one but its windows eight and I hate it and have no idea how to do anything on it !! Poss can send photo to dh comp and do it that way , we will see, I'm not very technical, this is where young brains come in very handy !

I'm not familiar with Windows 8. I've seen the interface and I can see why you don't like it. What device did you take the pic on?

I used my normal camera , if I had taken it on my iPad would of been ok, but I will do it. Through dh,s later when he is not using it. I have downloaded to my old comp , but I can't get on to mn for some reason. Never mind. Will solve it. So what time you off out ?

Now actually :) Thanks for the advice. I'm both nervous and excited at the same time. Strange feeling. I hope you have a nice dinner and night. Chat soon.

Do let us know how it goes !

Sounds lovely that you are able to feel excited and nervous, Hope you are having a good evening.
I have just had to change my laptop, the old one was 6 years old and I knew how to use it vaguely! Now have this daft windows 8 and although I had something added to it which is supposed to make it more like the old one, things disappear and the screen doesn't have anything on it for me to go to another page it is driving me mad!!!

Dragonfly is on profile !

liln, you are so clever I wouldn't have a clue how to do something like that I am very impressed. Dragonfly huge, did it get out ok?

Stupid thing was still flying around my lounge but when it went in conservatory I shut the doors so it had no option but to fly out. It really did have beautiful wings. But it was quite ugly , no I'm not clever. If I was I would be able to use my new comp , and I can't. I hate it as well. Wonder how BT has got on ?

Wondering how BT has got on too!

Crossed fingers here for encouraging news!

Hey everyone. Good news - she said yes :) We're going to pizza hut tonight. Got in trouble last night actually cause I missed dinner and came back home much later than I was supposed to. When I asked her she said, "finally - I've been waiting for ages." Told you I'm crap at reading female signals!

I'm still nervous for tonight though. I mean before we'd been to the chippie and stuff like that before, but that was when we were only mates. The dimension of tonight is completely different though. But it's much better than it was before. Thank you to everyone for the great advice :)

P.S. Lin I checked out your pic. It's cool.

Yesssss ! I am so glad she has said yes. Hope you will have a great evening. Very happy to see this. This will lift your spirits enormously. Bet you are feeling quite happy today. Fab news x

brilliant news. hope you are having far to good a time to be reading this!!

It would be great if he didnt need this thread any more! I am so pleased for him. BT we will need an update !

Good afternoon :) Last night went really well.

I àm very happy to see this. I hope you both had a great time. Have you arranged another date ?

Yeah. Going to Blackpool on Saturday :) How are you anyway?

Oh that will be great, I have only been there once, I loved it though. Sat in the lounge trying to keep cool ! But it is clouding over a bit now. Don't know if any rain due tonight. It would save me a job !
No bugs or anything today did you find it easy to talk to each other or were. You both a bit shy !
Apart from your romantic life how are you feeling today ?

I've been there a few times and can't get enough of it :) And at first we were shy but as time wore on we became much less shy. I'm not really scared about expressing myself to her anymore.

And I'm okay today. My asthma has been flaring up more than usual though and it's annoying. I hate inhalers, even though my lungs couldn't survive without them.