Contemplating suicide

[BengalTiger]

I know this site is for parents, and i'm nothing close to a parent (I'm 16) but I'm in a situation that very much involves the subject of parenting. So I thought with this being a site for parents, maybe I can get some insight.

I'm a lad and I don't know how to tell my mum that I'm constantly fantasising about suicide. My relationship with my mum is pretty complex. I'm biracial (she's white and my dad was black) and my parents split up when I was 6. Well my mum ran off to say the truth. My dad raised me but he died in January.

After not hearing from my mum for 8 years, she finally got in contact with me and my dad when I was 14. He didn't want anything to do with her but he said she was my mother and I should hear her out. I did. She was married and really wealthy. I wouldn't say I and my dad lived in poverty but we never had all that much either. It's weird cause I've never been angry at my mother for leaving me and my dad. She said she was really sorry for everything and I forgave her.

In the last 2 years we saw each other and went out and that. My dad died from a heart attack so now I live with my mum and her husband. In the last 3 months I've been overwhelmed with thoughts of suicide. My mum has been wonderful to me but unlike with my dad, I can't talk to her about really personal things.

And the truth is that ever since I was really young I've always been a self-loathing person. I don't know why. I just am. I don't have friends really. I prefer to stay on my own (somthing my mum doesn't understand) and most of the times I daydream, pretending that I'm a different person.

I just don't know how to tell her all of this stuff. I find it difficult to open up to anyone. I could only tell my dad about the most personal things in my life. Now that he's gone and I don't have anyone to tell.

I've been looking up suicide methods online and I'm constantly thinking about my death. I have some rope that I intend to hang myself with. But last night I came across a story about a mother who lost her son to suicide and I cried cause the whole thing basically destroyed her.

I don't really want to put my mum through that, but then again, life at the moment feels like hell. Waking up in the morning is terrible - the only respite I get is when I sleep. When there's nothing for me to think about. And that's why death is so alluring.

i don't know what to do.

just had a thought that i used to play ziggy stardust all the time and 'rock'n'roll suicide always made my heart break and i'd sob but in a way it was a real comfort.I'd play it so loud that the horns at the start of the second part used to go right through my guts. Listen to it, Its lovely. I actually bought the cd a few years ago to replace my old lp and it was still as moving.

hope you are having a good evening, I'm off for the night. happy dreams

BT, just a thought. Have you torn up the letter?

Morning BT hope you had a good nights rest. Do you have any plans for today?

Hey BengalTiger. Just having a moment to think about you. Hope today brings some of those better moments.

Hello BT you don't have to answer, but I haven't forgotten you.

Hi BT, I hope you are OK.

I honestly feel as if my birth was a mistake. I wasn't supposed to be born. I can't live life like this anymore. It's not even a life. It's survival really. And it's really exhausting. I'm too worn down. I haven't got any strength left in me. I'm sorry.

Your birth wasn't a mistake BT. Your parents loved each other then, regardless of what eventually happened. It's so early in your treatment, you need to hang on in there some more. I know it's exhausting. Go and find your mum and let her help you through tonight - don't do this to her.

bengaltiger I have not posted on your thread before but I have been reading it now and then to see how you are doing. Please don't think that you should not of been born. I am a mum and I would be devastated to think my son felt that way as I'm sure your mum would . Things will improve for you I'm sure. Don't give up on life. You have a lot to look forward to. Somewhere right now in the world is the person you will get to spend your life with in the future. You have yet to meet them, but you will. Don't give up on that.

@ CP - it was actually a mistake. That's not just depression talking. My parents didn't intend to have me. They were 18 when it happened. Yes they probably loved each other but I don't know a lot of people that plan to have kids when they are 18.

I love my mum. I really do. And I don't want to hurt her, but it's gotten to the point I feel like I can't breathe. It feels like I'm being smothered.

@lin - Sometimes I do think about all the stuff I'll get to miss out on. You're right there's a lot in the future. But at the same time, I'm totally, flat out exhausted. I can't keep this going in the hopes of something good coming along some time from now. We all die at some point. I just wanna go early.

But it was a good mistake. It will hurt her if you take your life. It will devastate her. Something good will come along - it's not a vague hope that something will.

Please. Don't give up. Life can still be good for you. I understand you feel how you do but the devastation you would leave would be awful.
Does. Your mum know that you are feeling so low ? Please talk to her and let her help . Just concentrate on getting through each day, don't worry about the day after until it arrives. Your obvious unhappiness is heartbreaking.

So, your conception was a surprise. Your life however is not a mistake. Your life is precious and the reason you feel the way you do is because you are ill. Working with your doctor and your counsellor and those around you who love you to get better is exhausting. It is just so worth it. You are so worth it. So, put one foot in front of the other, just once, and then take a rest. The next time start with the other foot. Do you need to search for meaning? Perhaps, for you at the moment, it doesn't seem to be there. Stop searching and just be. Feel loved.

Morning BT. The exhaustion is almost literally a killer isn't it. what has made you think that your birth was a mistake? like homebird says conception was a surprise, you are not a mistake. My family is full of surprises - my dd, and 4 out of 5 of my grandchildren. 2 of whom were born to 17 yr olds, they are now 13 and 8 and their parents wouldnt be without them.
It really is the depression talking,
exhaustion when you are working as hard as you are is very normal. a doctor told me that the adrenalin used in an average panic attack is the same as a marathon run. trouble is rest doesn't come easy to restore does it? i hope you managed the night in what ever way you could and feeling a bit clearer this morning?

@ Cats - I listened to your advice and I managed to get through the night with my mum.

@ lin - Sometimes it's hard for me to take life a day at a time. Sometimes I think too far ahead and then I get overwhelmed. That's what happened last night.

@ Homebird - Yes, I guess you could say I sometimes search for the meaning of life. And it gets me down when I do because life seems to be a pointless thing. I always think in one hundred years' time, all this, everything I am, won't even matter. It sounds stupid and silly and I can't quite put it into words, but that's how I feel.

@ Cjel - You're right about the exhaustion. It weighs me down so much. And I think that my birth is a mistake not only cause I was a surprise but also cause I feel like I took my parents' life away. My parents were only two years older than I currently am when they had me. The thought of me being a parent at 18 sounds more insane than the thought of turning into a fish. I mean my dad's life literally revolved around me and he was 34 when he died. He still had so many more years to live. I just feel like I drained his life away.

that must feel horrible that you had a responsibility for your dad dying young, I don't know his situation but in my family our children are the best thing that happened.the parents work really hard but that is because they want to provide for the children they love so much, not because they are made to by their children and I bet your dear dad felt the same.
Glad you found a way to get through the night,
I haven't heard anything in your posts to suggest you are abnormal, your thoughts, feelings etc are nothing that others haven't felt before you and recovered from.
It was weird seeing my dd age 17giving birth but it happened and shes a brilliant mum. she was doing A levels so it was alien to her too!!
I know its hard but it really does help to try and think about where you are now and when the time is right and you consider being a parent you will be able to cope with it.

I am a christian so I find my faith helps me with the 'why are we here'questions so afraid i have no advice to give on that except to think about this hour, afternoon, day etc and e when you are better then you will cope with thoughts of the future.

Oh bengal you didn't take your dads life away, for the time you did have together, you enriched it. When you feel overwhelmed please talk to your mum or come here where there will always be someone here to talk to you.

Your family sounds really lovely.

When you were depressed, how long did it last? I just want it to be over.

@lin - My dad's hairline starting receding about a year before he died. I used to laugh at him and he told me that one day, when he's an old man and I'm approaching middle-age and my hair starts going, he'll laugh at me too. I always think about that and i think about what I've missed.

You are his legacy to the world, who knows what great contribution you are going to make in the future and how many people you may help . Its probably very hard for you to look ahead to being middle Aged at the moment, but you will get there and look back and smile about what your dad said to you. Maybe you will be the one to invent the cure for baldness or one of your children. There s such a lot for you to experience. You seem a very clever young man and if you persevere you will go far.

Well done BT. That's one day closer to being better .

I don't think many people can imagine being a parent fully until their baby arrives. You can be confident you were the most important person in your dad's life and that he would never have regretted your arrival for a second. You wouldn't be as nice as you are if he hadn't enjoyed parenting you.

I don't think you can put an end date on your depression. You won't always feel you are getting better, until one day you will suddenly realise you are better.

Try not to look too far ahead for now. The future will work itself out. You're a bright guy, and the downside of that is that you are questioning. I sometimes think it must be nice for people who have a dog-like attitude to life and take things at face value. The upside of your intelligence is that it will stand you in good stead for your future ... and all that writing you are going to do.

This bit: ' I always think in one hundred years' time, all this, everything I am, won't even matter' it doesn't really matter - just 'be' for now. Don't worry about the future, what you may or may not achieve, what your work will be, whether you will have children. None of it matters for now. All your mum wants is for you to be here, whatever that means in the future. Don't put pressure on yourself, because it doesn't sound as though anyone else is putting pressure on you to do anything other than stay alive - that's all anyone wants.

Hi bt, my thoughts are with you. You really do sound like a lovely person. A close family member of my brother in law has just hung himself and his mother and family are absolutely devastated. He was very depressed but managed to hide it as he was at uni. Please get help, its just the chemicals in your brain which are wreaking havoc with your thoughts. My mum has had severe depression in the past and has always come out of it with treatment. Big hugs and sympathy, depression is the worst thing.

You're grieving mate. That's okay, it's good to grieve.

You are a clever and kind boy, and life will offer you much. The future will come around before you know it. I hope you find it in yourself to relax enough to enjoy it.

Good luck

@ Lin - I don't think I'll come up with a cure for baldness, but you are right - there is a lot of stuff for me to experience. It just feels so far away. But I know you're right. It's just about getting through this. It's the most difficult battle ever.

@ Cats - The end date thing has been tormenting me. It gets to a point where you just get tired of feeling down and that's how I feel. I go through 'happy' patches when everything seems to be alright, but those patches don't last long.

@neenienan - I'm so sorry about the close family member. I know I sound like I'm being a hypocrite but that's just absolutely awful. It's a shame his family weren't aware about it but I can see why/how they didn't. It took me a long, long time to tell my mum. It's just something that's really difficult to talk about. I'm sorry for you and your family's loss.

@Wuldric - Thanks for the kind message.