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Original poster

Contemplating suicide

992 replies

BengalTiger · 11/05/2013 02:44

I know this site is for parents, and i'm nothing close to a parent (I'm 16) but I'm in a situation that very much involves the subject of parenting. So I thought with this being a site for parents, maybe I can get some insight.

I'm a lad and I don't know how to tell my mum that I'm constantly fantasising about suicide. My relationship with my mum is pretty complex. I'm biracial (she's white and my dad was black) and my parents split up when I was 6. Well my mum ran off to say the truth. My dad raised me but he died in January.

After not hearing from my mum for 8 years, she finally got in contact with me and my dad when I was 14. He didn't want anything to do with her but he said she was my mother and I should hear her out. I did. She was married and really wealthy. I wouldn't say I and my dad lived in poverty but we never had all that much either. It's weird cause I've never been angry at my mother for leaving me and my dad. She said she was really sorry for everything and I forgave her.

In the last 2 years we saw each other and went out and that. My dad died from a heart attack so now I live with my mum and her husband. In the last 3 months I've been overwhelmed with thoughts of suicide. My mum has been wonderful to me but unlike with my dad, I can't talk to her about really personal things.

And the truth is that ever since I was really young I've always been a self-loathing person. I don't know why. I just am. I don't have friends really. I prefer to stay on my own (somthing my mum doesn't understand) and most of the times I daydream, pretending that I'm a different person.

I just don't know how to tell her all of this stuff. I find it difficult to open up to anyone. I could only tell my dad about the most personal things in my life. Now that he's gone and I don't have anyone to tell.

I've been looking up suicide methods online and I'm constantly thinking about my death. I have some rope that I intend to hang myself with. But last night I came across a story about a mother who lost her son to suicide and I cried cause the whole thing basically destroyed her.

I don't really want to put my mum through that, but then again, life at the moment feels like hell. Waking up in the morning is terrible - the only respite I get is when I sleep. When there's nothing for me to think about. And that's why death is so alluring.

i don't know what to do.

OP posts:
mummylin2495 · 01/07/2013 21:25

BT please don't give up. I have a sister with bi-polar 7 yrs ago she was suicidal. Her marriage broke down , she left the family home. Would speak to no- pen apart from me. She was in a real state. It was terrifying for her. Moving on to now. She remarried three years ago. And has twin baby girls of 16 months. We would never of imagined this could of happened. She is very very stable now.she also at times could see no way out and saw death as a preference. But with medication and hospital stays with counselling, she has come through it. You can / will do it too.You sound so very sad at the moment. Happier times will come , I am sure of it.have a hug from me x

Original poster
BengalTiger · 01/07/2013 21:30

I'm glad your sister pulled through it. She sounds like a strong person. I'll try my best. I have my doubts cause its really hard but all i can do is try.

OP posts:
mummylin2495 · 01/07/2013 21:39

Remember you are not alone. We are in your corner and if good wishes could make things better for you, you would already feel better. Things are difficult for you at the moment, I understand that but I also know that you can come out the other side , given time and the right support.

Original poster
BengalTiger · 01/07/2013 21:41

Thank you for being so supportive.

OP posts:
mummylin2495 · 01/07/2013 21:52

You are more than welcome, I have a son and grandson of my own and would like to think someone would be there for them if they needed it.

Original poster
BengalTiger · 01/07/2013 22:03

How old is your grandson?

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mummylin2495 · 01/07/2013 22:07

He is 22 and he has enriched my life so much. I cannot contemplate him being in your position with no- one to help him. This is why I have so much empathy for you, I can imagine if it was him.

Original poster
BengalTiger · 01/07/2013 22:12

22 . . . I've been told being in your early twenties is a good age. And I'm glad he's enriched your life. You guys sound close. That's really nice.

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mummylin2495 · 01/07/2013 22:18

Yes we are. I can't tell you how much mums love their children and then their children. It is a very deep love, and my heart would be broken if anything happened to them, it's an unconditional love that is always there. Your mum I'm sure has this for you and she must be so concerned about you.i have two grand daughters as well 16 and 18 ( they are my dd,s children)
Am I boring you with all this stuff ? Do say if I am.

AndIFeedEmGunpowder · 01/07/2013 22:21

Just wanted to echo other posters in saying don't give up. We are rooting for you. I'm so sorry things are so hard.

Twenties are brilliant! Probably hard to see it now but you have so much and so many experiences ahead of you.

Original poster
BengalTiger · 01/07/2013 22:25

No you're not boring me at all. It's really nice actually. I bet you spoil your grandkids. I never had the chance to know my grandparents as they died when I was really young, but the grandparents of my primary school best friend absolutely spoiled him. Treated him like the King of England lol.

OP posts:
Original poster
BengalTiger · 01/07/2013 22:32

Gunpowder - Thank you for the encouraging message. Sounds like your twenties were a lot of fun :)

OP posts:
AndIFeedEmGunpowder · 01/07/2013 22:35

Yes they were! Thirties with baby are a different sort of fun Smile

mummylin2495 · 01/07/2013 22:36

Yes to a certain extent me and dh do ! All three of them know who to come to if they need anything ! But I have to say that this week I am worrying about my gs as he is in Turkey on holiday with his friends, and the very morning he flew out , the paper printed the story of a young lad being stabbed for kissing a girl. Of course like a good nan I straight away text him and told him to be careful. Back came text saying " haha nan ok " well I hope for half an hour I have given you something to occupy your mind! Even though its a bit rambling ! Goodnight " BT" I will speak with you again when you come back here.

Original poster
BengalTiger · 01/07/2013 22:45

@ Gunpowder - Glad you've had a good life. I hope maybe I can say the same thing you're telling me to someone younger.

mummylin - Thanks again. You've been wonderful. Goodnight and sleep well.

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AndIFeedEmGunpowder · 01/07/2013 22:56

I hope so too.

Don't know how to say this without sounding trite, Blush but I think that awful as the dark moments are, they make the good ones seem all the brighter when eventually they come.

Original poster
BengalTiger · 01/07/2013 23:01

It's not trite at all. I know what you mean. Kinda like how you appreciate summer more after a cold winter. But then in the summer I find myself missing winter too lol.

I just have to get through this dark moment.

OP posts:
AndIFeedEmGunpowder · 01/07/2013 23:08

Exactly! I know it's easier said than done. You sound very insightful though, I'm sure that's half the battle.

Original poster
BengalTiger · 01/07/2013 23:13

Thanks :) Anyway i've gotta go. I appreciate your support. Have a nice night and sleep well.

OP posts:
Homebird8 · 02/07/2013 06:54

Once again I miss you BengalTiger. That's what comes of being at the wrong end of the earth. I'm in Christchurch at the moment working with some design teams on some of the new buildings they need here after the earthquakes. Every time I come there are are spaces in the city centre where buildings used to be. I do wish the hotel would stay still. It's been rumbling all day. You can tell I'm not a local. They don't even notice these little shudders any more.

Hang on in there through this dark time. The light is worth it. Flowers

Original poster
BengalTiger · 02/07/2013 14:21

@ Homebird - If it helps, I'm having a pretty good day with my mum today.

The earthquake stuff is frightening. I remember learning about the frequent earthquakes in the Pacific in geography. Do earthquakes high on the Richter Scale hit the place a lot?

OP posts:
CatsAndTheirPizza · 02/07/2013 14:29

We need a 'like' button on here (for the good day, I mean).

Original poster
BengalTiger · 02/07/2013 14:40

We went shopping. Usually I hate shopping, but today it was nice and pretty funny. My mum told me some cool stories about my dad when he was my age. At the school they used to to go together, apparently he's responsible for a selling epidemic today. He used to buy cookies, crisps and cans and all sorts of sweets from shops for cheap before school, and then sell them at a premium price at school during break and lunch. Apparently he made a lot of money for a 15-year-old with no responsibility, but then everyone else wised up after a bit and loads of people copied him. He was fuming and was eventually driven out of business cause of too much competition lol. And ever since my dad and mum's year at that school, the culture of buying stuff cheap from supermarkets and selling them at a premium at school, is prevalent. It's been passed down from year to year. All cause of my dad. I think that's funny.

OP posts:
Original poster
BengalTiger · 02/07/2013 14:43

Plus I got two games :)

OP posts:
mummylin2495 · 02/07/2013 15:57

Hello BT . I think that's pretty funny too ! It's amazing what things people will think of to make a bit of money ! He must of had a good business brain at an early age !
Glad you have had a good shopping trip with your mum, sounds like you are having a good day, I'm so glad for you.
Not stopping now as tonight me dh and two of my brothers always go out to a local pub for dinner, so I need to go and have a bath. My brothers turn to pay so he sets venue and time. This is his time 17.59.59 !!! Will try and do it exactly. Will come and see if you are here later this evening.