Contemplating suicide

[BengalTiger]

I know this site is for parents, and i'm nothing close to a parent (I'm 16) but I'm in a situation that very much involves the subject of parenting. So I thought with this being a site for parents, maybe I can get some insight.

I'm a lad and I don't know how to tell my mum that I'm constantly fantasising about suicide. My relationship with my mum is pretty complex. I'm biracial (she's white and my dad was black) and my parents split up when I was 6. Well my mum ran off to say the truth. My dad raised me but he died in January.

After not hearing from my mum for 8 years, she finally got in contact with me and my dad when I was 14. He didn't want anything to do with her but he said she was my mother and I should hear her out. I did. She was married and really wealthy. I wouldn't say I and my dad lived in poverty but we never had all that much either. It's weird cause I've never been angry at my mother for leaving me and my dad. She said she was really sorry for everything and I forgave her.

In the last 2 years we saw each other and went out and that. My dad died from a heart attack so now I live with my mum and her husband. In the last 3 months I've been overwhelmed with thoughts of suicide. My mum has been wonderful to me but unlike with my dad, I can't talk to her about really personal things.

And the truth is that ever since I was really young I've always been a self-loathing person. I don't know why. I just am. I don't have friends really. I prefer to stay on my own (somthing my mum doesn't understand) and most of the times I daydream, pretending that I'm a different person.

I just don't know how to tell her all of this stuff. I find it difficult to open up to anyone. I could only tell my dad about the most personal things in my life. Now that he's gone and I don't have anyone to tell.

I've been looking up suicide methods online and I'm constantly thinking about my death. I have some rope that I intend to hang myself with. But last night I came across a story about a mother who lost her son to suicide and I cried cause the whole thing basically destroyed her.

I don't really want to put my mum through that, but then again, life at the moment feels like hell. Waking up in the morning is terrible - the only respite I get is when I sleep. When there's nothing for me to think about. And that's why death is so alluring.

i don't know what to do.

Great news. I went to my swimming lesson and learned how to blow bubbles! Myself and the three year old in the next lane were taking our practice very seriously . I actually enjoyed the lesson and although bits of me, as yet unidentified, are bound to hurt me in the morning I'm looking forward to next week. I actually managed to only breathe in and drink a small proportion of the pool so there is some left for another time. It'll be worth it in the end.

Glad you liked the gummy bear story. It's amazing what gets reported here. I'll let you know when the next thing makes me chuckle!

I'm also glad your mum has spoken with school. What decision did you all come to about your GCSEs? Better to get better before worrying about them. As I think I said, way up thread, there is loads of time. You won't turn into a pumpkin if you don't take them now. If you want to go ahead now, and it's not stressing you out, then maybe it's worth considering. Just don't feel pressured.

What are your plans for today? Get a bit of fresh air if you can. How are the spots doing?

@ CP - I had an okay morning. My afternoon was much better though.Went for a run, did some revising and and wrote a short story. I felt good after all that actually. And of course, I was listening to music through all 3 processes (told ya i'm a music junkie) so that was nice.

@Homebird8 - Great to hear that your swimming lesson was great. Bet it was a lot of fun too. I love swimming. I sometimes envy fish for being able to do it so effortlessly. In saying that, I wouldn't want to be a fish. Hunted by everything - even other fellow fish! That sucks. Average age expectancy of fish must be a week.

Well my mum didn't want me to take my GCSEs but I just want to get them out of the way. Secondary school has been leading up to this and I just want to get it out of the way. The studying isn't really doing my head in. I know most of the stuff - it's just about refining it.

And I had a good day. I did get some fresh actually. I went for a run (albeit with a hoodie up - face is still a mess). It felt really good. I also did some revising and wrote a short story. The spots are going down actually. Some on my leg have completely abated. But they're still there. No itching anymore however so that's great.

How was your day?

I hope you are feeling OK today BT. Let us all know how you are getting on.

I don't know about being a fish, BengalTiger, I quite fancy being a bird. Perhaps that's why I chose my nickname although I didn't think about that at the time.

I hope the GCSEs are going ok. Good to make the decision yourself I think although I can understand why your mum just wanted to make sure you weren't under any pressure either way. You sound really chilled about the revision. I was a bit panicky at the same point in my life because I really wasn't prepared. It sounds like you've kept on top of the work to now and can take the exams as a natural next step. I'm sure you'll be fine. And if you want to call it a day at any time that'll will be fine too.

Glad the itchiness is over. Try not to pick at the scabs so you don't get scars. I'm the world's worst for picking at things so I really am not in a position to give you that advice. Still, I'm a mum and can tell you to do what I say and not what I do

Hope you have a good day and keep taking those steps. One at a time.

Hello BT. I was wondering if you/your mum has managed to re-arrange a date for your counselling to start yet? I hope you are OK.

Hi bengaltiger. Hope you're okay and feeling better. Calamine lotion eases itching. Hope exams go well. Could you build in treats for yourself during the day and plan something to do when you've finished exams? As you're interested in travelling, would you be able to manage a weekend away, somewhere you'd always like to go?

Hi BengalTiger. How's it going? It's a few days since you managed to post something here. Have all your spots dried up now? That'll make it easier to go and see the counsellor. It's this Monday isn't it? Do you know anything about the counsellor? Man or woman? I was going to say old or young but when you're 16 everyone is old. Forgot that! Believe me, old gets older as your own age grows.

Give your little cat a stroke and a cuddle from me and don't forget I'm thinking about you.

Hi

Whoops, that was short! Sorry - on tablet

Hoping you will update us all on here

Hi BengalTiger. Not heard from you for a few days and am hoping that's because you are busy. Come and sit down and have a cuppa with me

Wondering how you are doing BT. Would be good to have an update if you have finished tea with Homebird.

Hi BengalTiger, I thought I'd drop in - how are you getting on?

Hi BengalTiger! Once again I find myself at the weekend and heading off to tackle a huge pile of washing. The upside is the sun is shining, the windows and doors are all open and the DSs are with DH playing hockey.

What are you up to?

Hi there Bengal how you doing? Am
Really glad you finding it a help to post on here and hope you are doing ok.

hi everyone. Sorry for not being online for a bit. I've been feeling really down. i just feel exhausted.

No need to apologise BengalTiger. So sorry you've been having a bad few days. Glad to hear from you. I always find I get really tired too when I'm emotional or down. Funny how it affects you like that. Try to spend a bit of time with other people if you can. At least the world doesn't get to seem like the four walls of your bedroom then. Your chicken pox must be over by now. Don't worry about the leftover scabs. They'll be gone soon. What a crap time to get chicken pox though. I don't suppose there's ever a good time but right when you are struggling with your feelings and in exam season too.

My second swimming lesson is today. It's heaving it down with rain today so I guess I get wet whatever I do. DH is going to pick up my new bike from the shop today. Can't see getting ride though. I still need a helmet and I'm busy with work all week. Have you got a bike? Might be good to get the wind in your sails.

@Homebird - Yeah the pox has gone. Just got leftover marks. I just wanna get my exams out of the way. I finish officially on 14 June but I've still got the two I've missed left to do.

And I haven't got a bike. I've heard New Zealand has a lot of beautiful scenery so it must be nice riding a bike out there.

Hello BT, good to see you here . I hope you are feeling a bit less down and exhausted soon.

I was doing a bit of surfing with you in mind BT and found these people Papyrus They offer a phone line for young people with depression and suicidal thoughts. Please give them a call.

Papyrus

phone number 0800 068 41 41
SMS 07786 209697
Email [email protected]

Evening BT. I hope you have been OK today & are feeling a bit better. Take care.

Just wanted to update people on the thread - I had my first session of therapy today. It was a bit awkward and I struggled a fair bit, but I know this is a long process so hopefully I'll become more comfortable as I go on.

@ Homebird - Thanks for the link(s). I actually called the helpline today in the morning as I was feeling really nervous for therapy. It helped. So thanks.

Well done BT - that's great news. When is your next counselling session?

CP - The next one is on Thursday.