Contemplating suicide

[BengalTiger]

I know this site is for parents, and i'm nothing close to a parent (I'm 16) but I'm in a situation that very much involves the subject of parenting. So I thought with this being a site for parents, maybe I can get some insight.

I'm a lad and I don't know how to tell my mum that I'm constantly fantasising about suicide. My relationship with my mum is pretty complex. I'm biracial (she's white and my dad was black) and my parents split up when I was 6. Well my mum ran off to say the truth. My dad raised me but he died in January.

After not hearing from my mum for 8 years, she finally got in contact with me and my dad when I was 14. He didn't want anything to do with her but he said she was my mother and I should hear her out. I did. She was married and really wealthy. I wouldn't say I and my dad lived in poverty but we never had all that much either. It's weird cause I've never been angry at my mother for leaving me and my dad. She said she was really sorry for everything and I forgave her.

In the last 2 years we saw each other and went out and that. My dad died from a heart attack so now I live with my mum and her husband. In the last 3 months I've been overwhelmed with thoughts of suicide. My mum has been wonderful to me but unlike with my dad, I can't talk to her about really personal things.

And the truth is that ever since I was really young I've always been a self-loathing person. I don't know why. I just am. I don't have friends really. I prefer to stay on my own (somthing my mum doesn't understand) and most of the times I daydream, pretending that I'm a different person.

I just don't know how to tell her all of this stuff. I find it difficult to open up to anyone. I could only tell my dad about the most personal things in my life. Now that he's gone and I don't have anyone to tell.

I've been looking up suicide methods online and I'm constantly thinking about my death. I have some rope that I intend to hang myself with. But last night I came across a story about a mother who lost her son to suicide and I cried cause the whole thing basically destroyed her.

I don't really want to put my mum through that, but then again, life at the moment feels like hell. Waking up in the morning is terrible - the only respite I get is when I sleep. When there's nothing for me to think about. And that's why death is so alluring.

i don't know what to do.

@Eliza - Yup, I'm the same as you. Usually just have a cup of tea or coffee in the morning with a small snack. I think I'm actually addicted to tea. I seriously have about ten cups a day.

And my mum's tall too. She's 5'11 so that's probably another reason why I'm tall. My mum tells me that my dad was 6 feet by the time he was 14 (I've had a pretty big growth spurt in the last year). She said when he was 16 he could go out to nightclubs and the bouncers wouldn't ask him for ID cause they thought he was older lol.

You know, travelling is something I've always wanted to do. When I watch nature shows and see so many different environments it really makes me wanna go to so many places. If I can get through this depression and get on with my life, hopefully I can visist a lot of different places. One of my life's goals has always been to visit every single continent on the planet. There's so much to see.

Aha, now your favourite foods reminds me of a time in my life when I did used to manage breakfast. There was one year at uni when I lived within walking distance of my lectures. I was sharing the house with some friends and we used to cook all the sorts of things you mentioned for a big joint meal in the evening. The next morning I used to put leftovers of chilli, or bolognese, or curry in a toastie and eat it all hot and steamy on my way in. Mmmm. A bit unusual but I loved it. Now I have kids there are rarely leftovers!

I never wanted to travel particularly but did a trip round Eastern Europe just after the Berlin Wall came down (that's history to you of course, but student days to me!). I never ever ever thought I'd end up moving to New Zealand to follow my dreams and taking my family with me. DH even swapped his busy international career to be a stay at home dad although he's recently taken on a six month contract to keep his hand in.

Nothing in life stays the same BengalTiger. I used to have a colleague who told me that when he came out of uni a career was a noun, and now it's a verb! I don't even think we have a career anymore, I think we have several. I can see you now being introduced on the television as world renowned space expert the new Brian Cox , published poet and author, entrepreneur, and head of a kids charity bringing sport to them and their families.

In the meantime you don't need to know what the future will hold except what you fancy for dinner and that every step is one which is growing you.

Hello BT
It's so nice to hear you talking a little about your dreams and your interests. I hope you get to start feeling excitement and pleasure at the world that you can explore as you get older. There is so much to see, to discover, to wonder at. I hope you get to make a hundred thousand memories to wonder at again when you are old and to share with your own children one day.

I thought of you when I watched Luc Besson's film Atlantis today with my little boy. It's incredible underwater footage set to music. My toddler is fascinated by sharks and turtles and rays. I trained to dive and one day I will take him diving too. Seeing his amazement at the natural world is soul-enhancing. I hope that you get to travel and explore and fly and walk and swim amongst all the incredible things life on earth offers. It's really worth sticking around, it will get better and better even if it doesn't always feel like that right now.

And good work on eating a big breakfast ;)

Morning BT - hope you are OK

Hey guys. I'm unwell at the moment - I've got chickenpox. Never had it when I was little. I noticed a few bumps/boils on my leg at the weekend but didn't think much of them, but in the last 2 days I've been feeling poorly with a fever and so much of my body is now covered in bumps. Really uncomfortable. My face is disgusting there's so many bumps on it. Wish I'd had it much earlier in life like most people do. Anyway hope you're all well. Chat soon.

Oh no. That's very tiresome. Get well soon.

A Tiger with Chickenpox, whatever next!

To ease the itchiness, put porridge oats in an old sock and hold it under the running water as you fill your bath. This should help soothe your skin (and make it babysoft if you care about such things. An antihistamine can help take away some of the itchiness too.

More later. A big work day tomorrow.

A babsoft Tiger with chickpox?!

Hope you are feeling better this morning BT.

That was meant to say 'a babysoft Tiger with chickenpox', obviously. My proof reading is appalling

Oh, don't let the oats get into the bath. They're difficult bloody impossible to stop going down the plug hole and making porridge in the pipes

@ TD - Thank you.

@ Homebird - My mum got me some cream and it's now doing the trick to ease the itchiness. Thanks for the suggestion though. If it flares up again and this cream stops doing the business, porridge it is!

By the way what's New Zealand like?

@MM - I can actually imagine a tiger with chickenpox. That would be weird. I watched a really great BBC tiger documentary today. About a female tiger and her four cubs. Really amazing stuff.

A few days BengalTiger and the Chicken Pox will all be over. So glad you've found something to help with the itchiness. It's even harder to deal with than pain in my experience.

You ask about New Zealand. I'm not sure where to start. We've been here nearly two years and absolutely love it. I have always lived in the UK before and it is such a beautiful place just like NZ. There are things in the UK that NZ definitely hasn't got to offer like history (even the Maori history here is only a few centuries and the European history starts around 1840). For someone who loves buildings like me, that is a major gap.

The benefits of NZ for us far outweigh that. We can have the sort of family life here that we failed for 10 years to make for ourselves in the UK. We have enough money and it's balanced with our DSs having some of our time, as work life balance is much better. We find we can spend a lot more time outdoors and enjoy all sorts of experiences that we didn't stumble across in the UK. DH has learned to sail and the DSs have joined Sea Scouts and will start sailing in the summer. We live near the sea and the beaches are wonderful. There is ancient forest only a short drive away and areas with thermal activity where steam pours out of the ground even in town. Thermal pools are great fun even if it rains.

The people in NZ are just as wonderful as people the world over, with a different ethnic mix than the UK but just as diverse. A lot of Asian and Pacific Island people live here. I have found though, that people are a bit more straightforward in what they say in NZ. There's less politeness and you can share your opinion without offence. It's quite refreshing to experience the level of honesty but odd when you've grown up with a British take on manners! I don't think the opinions are not held in the UK it's just that they aren't as readily shared unless you've already worked out that someone will agree with you. It's just a lot less formal here I suppose and there is less concept of a class system which is still very strong in the UK. I didn't realise it was so strong until I moved here.

The population is only a little over 4 million so there's loads of space. Plenty of room to make a life and live it to the full. I never thought I would live anywhere but the UK. Just shows you never can tell just what's around the corner and it can be really, really good!

Anyway, enough about me. How are you doing other than the C Pox? Your relationship with your mum sounds great. Tell me more about her. She sounds really special. Here's a to sit down and have a chat over

@ Homebird - it's awesome that you've found life in NZ to be great. When I picture New Zealand, I always picture lush forests, sandy beaches and sapphire water. I'm glad it's worked out for you. By the way, what do the abbreviations stand for? The DHs and DS - I know it's family members but I don't know what the letters stand for. Yes, silly me, I know.

Anyway, you should be a travel agent - your description of NZ is mouth-watering. When you say people are more straightforward than up north, what do you mean exactly? Like is there a specific example you could give? I'm intrigued. So I take it you can see yourself spending the rest of your life there as you're clearly in love with the place.

And I'm doing okay thank you. Kind of annoyed that the pox made me miss counseling and I'll probably miss out on a couple of exams but other than that I'm cool.

My mum's great. It was a bit awkward for me when she came back but I'm glad she did. She's a really nice person. She always asks me if I need anything. Sometimes she's fussy over me it's like I'm 6 not 16, although, going by recent events, I can understand why she would be like that. She's an accountant and she really loves her job. She likes to watch nature shows with me (she's a nature nerd, too) which is cool. My dad always said David Attenborough's voice makes him want to go to sleep.

Though there's something. Her husband. He's really great and really nice. And a lot of the time he makes such an effort when it comes to me (watching sports games with me, offering for us two to go out and asking if he can join in when I'm playing a video game) but I don't reciprocate. He's a great guy and all and my mind knows it, but I always keep him at arm's length. I don't know why. It's like I'm afraid of him when there's nothing to be afraid of.

Hi BengalTiger, if you search around there is a somewhere a list of what all the abbreviations mean here on MN (MumsNet). The D before everything is for dear or darling. Then the next letter is the who, (M, F, D, S for mother, father, daughter, son) There are extra Ss for Step people, ILs for in-laws etc. The numbers are for the order they come in. E.g. I have DS1 who is 10 and DS2 who is 8 and DH who struggles to act like a grownup!

The straightforwardness in NZ is difficult to describe. They just pull no verbal punches at the same time as a friendly openness which makes sure nobody feels bad about it. If you don't want to do something you just say so without having to make an excuse and that's fine. Everyone knows the social norms of always bringing 'a plate' when you go to someone's house meaning that you take a snack with you for morning or afternoon tea (don't those terms sounds quaint?) If you're invited for a meal you ask what they want you to bring and often they'll ask for dessert for instance or some meat for the BBQ.

More later. My boss needs me.

@Homebird - Ah, thanks for the clarification. I always wondered. I tried to crack the nut but I just couldn't get what the "D" was for.

And thanks for the elaboration on NZ custom. You know in a way that kind of communication cuts through the "red tape." More efficient I think! I find it interesting. I like knowing about different cultures and their customs.

BengalTiger, I've been lurking, but if you like mathematics, engineering and travel, you might really love to work in a field like environmental engineering. It's a job for life, but all over the world, people are struggling to manage natural resources such as water - think of flooding and droughts - what about people in Australia who are struggling to balance their water resources against protecting the environment - the pressures from the agricultural community, people living in cities - it's a story repeated worldwide - if you are interested in that kind of thing, PM me.

Hey Rufus. Thanks for taking the time to message me. Environmental engineering huh? I gotta say I've never head of environmental engineering per se, although what it entails sounds quite fascinating. Sounds both challenging and fulfilling. I'll keep it in mind. Think I might read about it a little more tomorrow. Thanks again.

More Mumsnet acronyms than you can shake a stick at BT:

www.mumsnet.com/info/acronyms

I'm back. I was meeting my boss for a coffee at the start of the day and he walked in to find me on MN. I sort of, might have, mentioned it to him before. If you're here big fella I'll squeeze in some work soon promise!

Another description of the straight forwardness of Kiwi's for you BengalTiger. This was in the NZ Herald a few weeks ago...

A man saw a burglar climbing in through the window of his neighbours' house. He got a few mates and they watched all sides of the property until the burglar exited with a big bag marked SWAG The one who saw him leave gave chase and, after quite a run managed to stop the thief in his tracks and sit on him until the police arrived. You know what the burglar said to the man sitting on him? "Nice Rugby tackle mate, who do you play for?"

I guess that's what I mean. Clear, communicative and a bit of a 'fair enough' attitude.

Your mum sounds lovely. Good that she likes her job. You're a long time at work if it's something that you don't like. Rufus' suggestion is a good one for a possible choice for you. There are so many exciting branches of a science and engineering out there and they are all better for a bit of creativity and flare (just like yours). I think you're going to have fun deciding which area is going to get the benefit of you!

As far as your mum's husband is concerned, you seem grateful for the efforts he makes to spend some time with you. It's not strange for you to feel a bit unsure though. You are nearly a man yourself and this man means a lot to your mum, just like you do. He's also not your dad, and quite rightfully you are still grieving. There's no need to rush at the relationship with DM's DH though. Just do a few things alongside each other and it may grow naturally. You can always tell him you appreciate his company sometimes. He will understand that and probably appreciate himself that his efforts are welcomed even if you don't feel quite comfortable yet. Does he have any DSs or DDs in his life?

It's a shame the dreaded pox got in the way of your counselling session. I would have been disappointed too. When is the next one arranged for? Once your spots have dried up it's ok to go out as you won't be infectious anymore. Hope nobody else in your house goes down with it. From memory, I think the incubation period is 14 to 21 days. Better do a count down from a few days before your spots came out for anyone you've been with. Are all your classmates going to come out in spots during their exams too? Don't worry about the ones you missed. It'll all come out in the wash I'm sure.

Good to hear from you, though with the time difference I'm never quite sure when that will be. Hope you've had a good night.

@homebird - That burglar story made me laugh. As for my mum's husband, yeah I think you may be right. Although I still feel bad about it. He has two daughters but they live with their mum, although he sees them quite a bit. They're alright. I don't know them that well though.

The next one is arranged for the 10th on Monday. Hopefully the spots will have gone by then. Everyone else in the house has had the pox before so that's good. I hope I didn't infect anyone! Wow, with exams and all that would be hell for sure. I haven't anyone I know at school of getting the pox so hopefully it was just isolated with me. Most would've probably had it when they were little, since it seems most people experience the pox when they're young.

I've been feeling kinda down in the last two days. This is what I fear the most. The moments when I feel hopeless. It's annoying cause sometimes I feel really good and other times life feels like a dead end.

CP - Thanks for the list of acronyms!

I hoped that story would make you laugh BengalTiger. There are funny things that are reported in the news all the time here mostly because the country is too small populationwise to have enough big news Have a laugh at this one Gummy bear thief

So sorry you're having a low time. Does it help much to remember the times in between, when you feel a bit brighter? You have a great support network though. Your mum, her DH, the GP, the Samaritans, us at MN and soon your counsellor. I hope you make a relationship quickly with the counsellor and that you can start to explore how you feel and that it helps you. Have you or your mum talked to school about what you're going through? They really need to know.

Don't dwell own your relationship with your DSF (if it's ok to call your DM's DH that). Not everything is your responsibility remember. The relationship will grow naturally if you're both open to it and such things cannot be forced. There's plenty of time.

I'm off this afternoon to have my first swimming lesson in 30 years. I've banned the family from coming to watch laugh at me. Wish me luck. I'm feeling a bit stupid, and unfit, and likely to swallow a lot of water!

"Officers followed a trail of Gummy Bears to a nearby bus shelter where a man who appeared to be intoxicated was asleep and surrounded by discarded gummies," he said.

Brilliant! When I'm down I don't really think about the brighter times. Even when I do it just seems hopeless. I think what makes it worse when I'm down is that I isolate myself from everyone and everything. I just bottle it up and that makes it worse. I need to break the habit, I know. And yes, the school is aware of what's going on. My mum told them because after I attempted to commit suicide, she didn't want me to take my GCSEs now cause of the possibility of stress.

Have fun swimming! I love it and I'm sure you will too. Remember that your apprehensiveness at the thought of swimming is just all in your head. It might not make sense now but it will when you master it. It's just all in your head - it's telling you you can't do it when your body easily can. I discovered this factor when I learned how to swim.

Good luck!

Hello!
Sorry to hear you're feeling down. Don't forget, being unwell and cooped up makes even the most cheerful person feel grim. It would be surprising if you were not feeling fed up and worse. Take care and we are here if you want to hang out online :)

How are you this morning BT? Are you not doing the exams you missed now?

I know you feel life is a dead-end, but if you can kick this depression into shape, you have so much going for you. I know you can't see it, but the rest of us can.