that light at the end of the tunnel isnt a train....stay on track!

[ThatVikRinA22]

thought we had better have a new one - old one nearly full. Think this is our 4th thread now....

linky to old one here

so, here we go....title a little more optimistic than i feel but im sure i will get back on track soon.....not doing bad particularly, just feeling a bit consumed with things....work is so intense. id forgotten.

anyway....nuff of me. over to you guys....
hope everyone manages to find us to say "hi"....welcome old and new.

Thinking of you UA,and your father. It must be heartbreaking. Glad you were able to talk to the support worker. You poor darling X.

Big hugs UA

Thinking of you UA and of your DF. Of course you feel knackered, take care, and wishing both of you peace.

UA - So sorry to hear about your Dad, its a very difficult time but somehow you will get through it. I am glad you found someone to talk to about it today.

Gracie - you wont bring the thread down, we all have ups and downs here and that is what this thread is about, sharing both. You don't have to of course, but please don't feel worried about posting. I used to start threads when i felt bad but to be honest i found having to provide a backstory exhausting every time so that is why i find this thread so helpful because i can say i have had a good day, and waffle on, or had a bad day and waffle on.

CiQ - please try not to worry about your DH, he will be feeling rubbish and pissed off, especially as he is likely to miss out on his break :( But its just that, he is "just" ill. And remember, he's a man - man flu is a devestating illness ya knows

Oh, i did good with the bedroom - it was an absolute pit I got a whole bin liner full of crap (this included me being ruthless with some plastic tatt) but i managed to get it done before the school run. So, just the whole rest of the house to do then!!

I have this really weird sort of phobia/anxiety and its that if i make the house nice i will probably jinx it and we will lose the house. I struggle with day to day cleaning due to this and tend to do the bare minimum to keep the place hygenic, although some people may not see it that way even Anything further is tempting fate - so doing DDs room is OK becaues its nice for her not to live in a pigsty even for a week. I struggled with this before and my counssellor at the time said it was due to laziness and i used the whole "jinx" thing was an excuse I hate living in a crap house - DP has fallen into the rut now and there are so many repairs need doing - hes a carpenter FGS!!

Hi all

CIQ so sorry to read your Dh is poorly and well know the anxiety that you must be feeling . We become so watchful and live an edgy kind of life once a partner becomes ill again re mental or physical . Sounds very much like a nasty virus or tummy bug though poor lad .
Hope you both feel better tonight X

Been thinking today of us all and a quote from a much loved book keeps playing in my head . Cant find it now but it is along the lines of how we are all puttering along nicely and then something like illness or accident happens ....and that firm ground we walked on becomes unstable under out feet . Makes us unsure and afraid .......wary of where to step out next .......stumbling and falling . We cant go back to that naivety but for sure we can make a new path with good foundations to set out in .
We are all doing that here . The author puts it far more eloquently than me .

I am hugely interested in the discussion re afterlife that LEM,Nana and CIQ have broached on . Is it derailing ?

The scientific thoughts are so helpful . It scares me badly that there may be an afterlife .

Vicar delighted you have a good counseller . Dont worry if you cant come here as often now with work and stuff.........that is good in lots of ways is it not? We will ebb and flow like a river [with rapids and calm pools ] and all of us can pop in when we fancy . Give em jewel sisters a cuddle .

ED you always do far more than me house wise. So slap on back from me .

Snowy are you back from patient group ? Hope it went better than you feared . Well earned rest tonight for sure x

Waves to everyone else ....UA ,Hoochie,Gracie ,Miggsie and SPC.
Sure I have forgotten someone so sorry x

UA just seen your post . huge hug to you and your dad . xx

It was ok, thanks for asking bassett, bit of drama but that's just how some people are.

quick wave from me before i go off to get ready for work.

nana - "rewind" is different to "EDMR" and i have to say i think its better.
I was talking to someone who had EDMR but still got emotional when talking about their trauma. "rewind" takes the emotional response away from a memory - so its just a memory - it doesnt hurt to think about it. Its exceptional and works in one session, and you do it all in your head so you dont have to talk about the trauma.

I hope work goes well vicar

Hi all, could I join you? I am just starting out tackling my depression which after a couple of counselling sessions I realised has been a part of my life for a long time. I left my emotionally abusive husband at Christmas and thought I was doing ok, but I am really struggling with it all and memories of my marriage and some awful stuff he did/said. It is all too much since I started counselling, its in my head all the time, i just want to disappear. I am on day 6 of citalopram but just feel so low, today I only got out of bed for an hour or so, then got so angry with ex husband and myself that I punched a wall (not a great idea, now my hand hurts as well as everything else). I had been muddling along fine, putting a brave face on but now it's all too much and I just can't make myself do it. I feel so pathetic. I have a lovely boyfriend who is so supportive but he's so worried about me, I wish I could pull myself together for his sake but I just can't.
Hugs to everyone else who has felt like this, it's awful!

Hello Glabella and welcome! X

Hi Glabella of course join us . You have been having an awful time .
This thread is excellent in that we post when we want and when we want . No judgement . Just a chat sometimes to offload or get some advice and company .
6 days in on Cit is early days. Side effects can reach their peak but then do subside usually. Your GP will guide you re dosage and I hope you are being reviewed two weeks into meds starting. Is this happening?

You are not pathetic at all so shoo those thoughts away . Takes time to recover so be gentle with yourself . So good you have a lovely boyfriend.
It is bewildering feeling like this [hug] .....but it will get better .

Doh ..when we want .

Hello Glabella - as basset says, early days for the citalopram, it can feel totally shite when you first start on them as they take time to start working and have alot of side effects to start with, they usually only last a week or two. I am on citalopram too 20mg. Counselling is challenging too, im on the waiting list for mine but i have had it before, it can leave you feeling quite drained, but stick with it, its worth it. If you have a BF i assume (no assumptions or judging here!) that its early days - can you keep things "fun"? of course he is concerned for you, but you deserve to have some "time off" can you treat your time with him as a break from it all? Easier said than done i know. Im pleased you have found someone nice.

Basset is right - it gets better xx

Hmm don't know how to customise CinQ I don't know how to customise, so I'm answering posts on this page and then another post on next page. I don't think I know your backstory C and think I recall you saying you weren't sure about meds or not? Sorry if I have that wrong. I didn't know your DH was very ill with depression last year. Did he take meds, and recover, or has he been up and down since then, as so many of us seem to be. So sorry to be asking so many questions, but wonder if your anxiety is related to your DH's episode of depression last year, although I know you are having counselling, so presumably you have some kind of psychological distress. Sorry this sounds all wrong, just trying to "get a handle" on your situation. Anyway deep breathing (short in breaths and longer out breaths) for the anxiety should help.

Lem have you been to the GP yet, as I thought this was imminent. Sorry the agency woman upset you - do you mean that you might not get a good reference from your former employer. I am not absolutely sure but I think since the Data Protection Act came in references can only be factual, stating the dates that you worked for the organisation.

Thanks for answering my question though I think you have left me standing a bit with the scientific stuff - interesting that you think we go on, but not as we are now. I have a friend who is a believer in anthroposphy (not spelled right!) but it is the teaching of Rudolf Steiner (there's a Steiner school very close to where I live) and the anthroposothists believe in reincarnation and so celebrate death because they believe that we pass on to a higher place. This was certainly tested out when another "Steiner" woman's 16 yr old daughter died in a car crash. I didn't know her but my friend told me about this.
Better not say much more or I will be hi-jacking the thread.

Oh Hoochy your beautifully kind words brought tears to my eyes! You are sounding much better by the way and you are holding down this placement and enjoying it to boot! Presumably you will be finished around June/early July if you are doing an MA. There's no shortage of jobs in social care. Do you think you will prefer Adult SC to Childrens?

Gracie come and tell us how you feel.

Nana I feel utterly worthless and pathetic right now. Still bawling my eyes out, managed to stop to get dd to bed, seeing no point in all this. Not sure what to say, don't want to repeat what i've said on my thread, shouldn't be on both threads sorry. I'm considering phoning crisis team I feel so awful, but not got the courage to yet.

You all sound so supportive and in control of your moods, or have some understanding. I've felt like this for too long and still can't sort this mess out in my head. This is the worst I think i've felt and I need my CPN, now she's left I feel lost.

Hi Glabella, welcome. Glad to hear you're getting some support for your depression. Like you I'm realising that my current depression is not a stranger to me, although I've only had mild/moderate episodes in the past. Like others have said, it's early days with the citalopram and counselling but you're doing the best you can combining the two. Hang in there, it does improve. I know its hard, but try and be kind to yourself.

UA so sorry to hear about your dad and sending hugs. I can well imagine you're exhausted, what you're experiencing is devastating at the best of times. Are you able to rest/sleep at night?

Basset that piece of writing sounds spot on.
snowy glad you survived the afternoon.

Thanks everyone for your kind words. DH is a little better this eve. Seems to be an evil headache/fever/sinusy virus. But I am a bit calmer about it all - thank you for being there.

Now I'm just utterly exhausted. I tidied my pit of a room which finished me off - sat on the sofa for 3 hours then went to get kids from school, went to the shoe shop to get them sandals. Home and ready meals in over. Dinner with kids, baths, bedtime stories etc, toast for DH and now I just can't move. There's a big pile of washing up to do (dishwasher broken) inc all the kids lunchbox stuff so it does need to happen but I'm not sure how.

Does anyone get a lump in their throat/oesophagus with anxiety? Today its felt like one of my pills has got stuck in my throat. I've had it before where I've woken up with it, so don't think anything's stuck. But it feels horrible. Assuming anxiety as have some tightness of chest, but nothing drastic.

Sorry this is another long one. I've found today really tough and its disheartening to feel this exhausted given I had three hours on the sofa and didn't cook...

Hello to everyone x

So sorry UA that your dad is so poorly but do try to take care of yourself as well as you are very emotionally fragile at the moment. It's a tall order I know.

Bassett enjoyed your memories of what you read in the book - such comforting words. Re the issue of after life etc I think it would be hi-jacking this thread but we could always start another thread but not in MH. I only got on MH, and Fostering & Adoption occasionally so don't know where it would go!

Wow Vicar that re-wind therapy sounds like the business. Do you really only have to do it once? I worried that you were leaving the thread as you said you were going over to OBTO (or something similar) but looks like you're still here, even if you are knackered after work.

Snowy your sound so tolerant of people and so supportive of others. Wish I could offer more support but your posts are so short that I don't quite know how to do that....

Glabella welcome. Could it be that you are suffering from PTSD following such an abusive marriage. If so, the re-wind therapy that Vicar is mentioning might be helpful for you, OR the EMDR (you would need to google it) What sort of counselling are you having? Ditto to what others are saying about "early days" with citalopram and NO NO NO you are NOT pathetic. This is the depression talking - mental illness makes us feel guilty and even ashamed and we feel we should be able to do something to make it go away, but we don't feel like thqat with physical illness. It's just a nasty cruel trick that depression plays on us.

In case anyone wonders why there are 2 posts of mine, it is because I am trying to answer the posts on the specific pages, but it isn't really working!

Hi Gracie so sorry you're feeling so bad. If you think you're worse then your judgement sounds spot on in talking to crisis team. And its fine to post here too. We are not all in control of our moods but you so seem to be having a really tough time at the moment.

Hi Nana thanks for your kind words. I will try and summarise DH and my story:

Last 2 yrs v stressful at work - DH and I both worked for a lovely family business which was sold once (June 2011) and then taken over (Jan 2012) and changed into corporate nightmare place. DH depressed all last year, severely for several months, very scary. He had good GP support, is on Sertraline, had lots of CBT and is now well recovered. Made redundant a few months ago but seems ok planning freelance career. But I still worry about him a lot. Me - also looking back depressed beginning last year when take over announced, bit better in the spring for some sun and a little CBT.

But went downhill from summer. Left work - couldn't stand it any more and all friends had left. Started painting class Sep. DS (my youngest)started school. Missed my sunny lovely boy and had v depressed DH at home. Very anxious, stressed and angry - with hindsight cos I wasn't well either and was having to look after everyone whilst not well. Nov and Dec always v busy with half of our families birthdays plus Christmas plus DH... Then 27 Dec DD broke her leg v badly, ambulance, overnight hosp stay, ended up in plaster for 3 months, v tough for her and me. But mid Jan I just hit a wall, one weekend just could not get out of bed... saw GP 2 weeks later, and 2 weeks after that started fluoxetine. Awful side effects and also not a great GP who didn't pick up on anxiety despite having seen her lots in autumn with stomach probs. Anyhow, GP went on mat leave and new GP much better. Got v ill and suicidal, saw GP every day... Now am improved but still struggling with dep/anx, partic exhaustion, negative thoughts, anxious thoughts and anxiety symptoms. Paranoid I will end up like mother who has always been depressed and is very feeble now - as exhausted as I am permanently (also has bad coeliac). Don't want to be a depressed mum to my lovely kids. DD is already showing some signs of anxiety.

That's as short as I can do I'm afraid!

Thanks for reading x

CiQ I don't get the lump in throat thing, well maybe i do, its not something that sticks in my mind but i have read that it is a common symptom of anxiety. I am glad your DH seems to be on the mend.

Nana - no i haven't been to the GP, i feel better (ish) but that isn't the reason, i don't want to be fobbed off so am pretty much going to see how it goes but the next time i feel bad make an emergency appointment. Does that make sense? I have to see her in the next couple of weeks anyway so will tell her i have been struggling.

Everyone is just so lovely on here.

Right I HAVE to wash up the kids lunch box things at least. Please send me some vibes with energy attached as am currently having trouble sitting upright!

www.anxietyguru.net/whats-causes-the-lump-in-your-throat interesting explanation of lump in the throat feeling. Basically - relax more

I'm feeling very flat so not much to say. Thanks for the thought NanaNina

Good night all, sending good thoughts out.

Sorry I know some of you are struggling, it just feels like everyone else is coping better than me at the moment, I know that's not the case, I just feel really pathetic today. I follow each of your stories and relate to parts. I need to wash lunch box stuff too! Can't think straight so won't ramble on. Thanks for being so welcoming x