that light at the end of the tunnel isnt a train....stay on track!

[ThatVikRinA22]

thought we had better have a new one - old one nearly full. Think this is our 4th thread now....

linky to old one here

so, here we go....title a little more optimistic than i feel but im sure i will get back on track soon.....not doing bad particularly, just feeling a bit consumed with things....work is so intense. id forgotten.

anyway....nuff of me. over to you guys....
hope everyone manages to find us to say "hi"....welcome old and new.

Gracie - you are now!!! everyone is welcome - if you want to share your story, please do, you will find lots of support, or if you just want to chip in every now and then, thats OK too. Its a very supportive place, no judging in this thread, just hand holding and encouragement xx

Gracie please come and join us here. As LEM says we are all supportive and you can post whenever you want to .
Here have a and draw your chair up . x

Hi everyone, and Hi Gracie - do come and stay...

Thanks Basset I know what you mean about cleaning fairy. I was fortunate last week and had a friend's polish cleaner come round friday to clean downstairs - she only charged me £20 for 2.5 hours and she worked hard. Now I need to tackle upstairs as my bedroom has never been such a state as it is now. Can barely walk across floor for piles of crap stuff.

Counselling was good. I think she let me off gently today after I told her it seemed to take me three days to recover from last week's session and she said she got a glimpse of mischeviousness (spelling?!) which I really enjoyed hearing. Yes to the treacle and exhaustion. I popped to a couple of shops after counselling but the walk home took aaaaages as my legs seemed to be made of lead. Lunch then nap again... (despite going to bed early yest at 11). Wasn't doing too bad this pm, but then I took a chunk out of my thumb trying to open wendy house door for DD which threw me a bit and seemed to contribute to my inability to then cook dinner without serious clumsiness and anxiety. So dinner was 20mins late, not ideal when cooking for diabetic mil . Anyhow have ordered some clothes for the kids online tonight so that's good.

Vicar so pleased to hear about your counselling session punching air here too that you're sticking to your guns about the complaint.

LEM great to hear you had a better day tho sorry your MH support is a bit crap. I know exactly what you mean about this thread tho. It is fab.

Hoochy great to hear you've got through today. I know what you mean about the fuzzy head and exhaustion, mine is a bit better than in Feb but still a challenge. Hope you get on OK tomorrow.

UA hope your DS is feeling better and hope you get your meeting sorted with minimum of stress.

Snowy that sounds like a good idea your plan - hope you find it helpful.

Hello to anyone I've missed.

Sleep well all x

Gosh I've just read that other thread appalling comments. And I think dangerous. Telling a severely depressed dad that you're going to leave him and take the kids could be fatal. Sobering to read some poor, poor responses, and great to see lots of you guys stepping in. I hope they get some help.

Cheesy though it sounds, my way of getting motivated is often to google 'motivation' and related stuff like that, and read a few random sites till something resonates.

Also, with the house, I try to start by cleaning the floor - although in practice this means starting by sorting and filing paper

I am solving the garden problem by getting a gardener in - it was worth the embarrassment of him having to look at all the dandylions - he (or rather his son) is going to start by digging them all out. He's only going to do the lawns (they are quite small), although he suggested weeding the borders. But I said I wanted to do that - so now I'm going to have to do it, aren't I.

SPC thanks for chuckle and wisdom .

Evening all.....I have a word of warning before I post....my blood alcohol level may be slightly elevated....but hopefully I can reign in any references to mountains etc....

I read the Ligature thread when there was only half a dozen posts and they seemed appropriate and supportive....I don't think I dare go back from what you say on this thread.

Welcome gracie...you've posted so now you are part of the lifeline as LEM describes it/

Vicar counselling sounds helpful. I have been seeing a therapist but she has made it clear that it isn't counselling....I wouldn't know how to access the latter.

Lem...difference between depression and being pissed off. My DTDs had some homework which I think would allow me to draw a good analalogy.
weather - what is happening today. What is happening now = being pissed off.
Climate - what happens consistently over a longer period = being depressed.
But just because the climate is hot and sunny doesn't mean you can't thrown in the odd day where the weather is cold and rainy (or vice versa).
Without the analogy I would agree with depression being about wading through treacle. struggling to function and carry out 'basic' everyday tasks (personal hygiene, housework, 'paperwork' etc.).

I've kind of lost what everyone else is up to....so I shall just wave to nana, silvery, snowy, mama, helles (good to see you are still around) vicar, ciq and all lurkers.

My day:

Bad nights sleep.....kept waking....
School run...
Put a load of washing in
put 7 items of clothing away (my thearpaist has told me to chunk it down and don't tackle the whole pile in one go).
Back to bed to read and nap
Shopping
Empty dishwasher

So don't feel I have had a hugely productive day. I went shopping as a task avoidance exercise.....sleepover is looming closer....tasks are accumulating and burnout will ensure.

Oh and I need to bath/shower;. I think today is day 10 since my last shower. I bought a new maxi dress today.....I will shower and wear it tomorrow....unless it chucks it down with rain as forecast....

Oh and a HUGE plus...I did dd3s spellings with her...k think thats twice in 2 days....which is probably twice this month

ed my counselling is through work - and i have been so fortunate as to kiss a frog first and then find the most amazing counsellor. the first one, as good as he might be, was a judgemental ass about my son.

the second got straight to the issues. did rewind (which i put to the test this week - can absolutely say that rewind therapy works....its the first time in my life i have been able to recount certain things without shaking and crying.)

she is wonderful. 2 sessions with her again and i feel so much better. she was quite harsh with me today in that she would not let me get away with putting myself down, and pulled me up on it.
she made me responsible for my own thoughts.
ive made friends with the abused little girl that i was, but its time to get on with my life now and stop self sabotaging.

Morning. Thanks vicar.

Very groggy here.

Baaad nights sleep...1.30 when I settled.
Struggled to get to sleep
Woke several times...car alarms...dd3 climbing in with me...sleeping next to a starfish.
Very nauseous. ...prob due to tiredness.

I have changed the washing over
I am almost on top of my dirty laundry....of course I will never catch up due to the nature of the beast but another load later today should have me back at a daily maintenance level iyswim.

I have put bins out for bin day.

I am back in bed...won't be wearing my dress as weather is hideous here.

Wishing you all a good day.

I feel washed out, better night than yours though Ed, I'm sorry you had such a bad one. Well done with the laundry The counselling sounds good vicar

Patient group this afternoon for me , I need to work out if there's anything I want to discuss.

Morning all

Hi Ed sorry to hear about your bad night. But well done on the washing front. I am nearly back to maintenance level need to get at least one load on today... Definitely a bed day - weather here pants too. Take care.

snowy its hard work isn't it... I know that washed out feeling... Any ideas for your patient's group?

I am completely wiped out. I did school run on my own with kids (try and do that twice a week at mo) then came home to start tidying and dusting my horrible bedroom. One and half hours later it is less dusty and looking better, though still summer/winter clothes to sort.

Not helped by the fact that my DH is completely wiped with some sort of virus, and I'm trying to look after him, but feeling guilty because I'm finding it very difficult as I barely have the energy to get me through the day. He's also fed up as he's supposed to be walking on the south downs thurs and fri with his best friend, but its unlikely that's going to happen.

I was planning to do another big walk today with my dad, but because of DH illness I've suggested he stay at home. So I really have to pace myself as I will have to do all the cooking and childcare and washing up etc today...

Hope everyone else is doing OK x

Have just realised I don't need to go to the last page to post, which means I can look upthread and respond to posts on that page! DOH! Well I think I can but am sending this as a test!

Yep that worked nana

Welcome Gracie I have read some of your posts and it does sound like you are really struggling, so hope you will get the support you need on thread.
CiQ counselling is very tiring and feeling emotionally drained is in my experience quite common, but I think it also shows that you are getting to grips with some painful stuff.
Lem (getting too clever for my own good here cus I'm trying to respond to posts that were made on previous page - I'm easily confused!) I really don't want to hi-jack this wonderful thread but can I just ask, following on from the "religious" question, do you believe that there is a life after death?

It's very strange that you posted about the "difference between being depressed and being pissed off" as the day before DP had asked if I thought sometimes I just woke up in a bad mood, rather than depressed. Hmmph ....NO! To me there is a world of difference between the nasty D word and feeling depressed, and I know there have been some helpful stuff about "wading through treacle" etc. Someone (might have been you Lem on next page) used the word "hollow" to describe depression and that resonated with me, as I feel "empty" when I am depressed and have no interest in anything.

However to be fair, because my mood has been fluctuating for 3 years plus, I have more or less forgotten what it's like to wake in the morning and not "scan my symptoms" (as in "am I ok or not"). However I DO most certainly know that depression (for me) is not time sensitive, nor weather sensitive, eg "Oh this weather is to blame, it doesn't help does it" NO it's nothing to do with the bloody weather! Not sure I really understood your analogy about weather Ed but certainly agree with your comments about not being able to cope with basic tasks. (Please don't worry about the 3 years, and think that will happen to you, because it is peculiar to my psychiatric history) Am considerable better since another AD was added to my prescription.

Ed you say you "went shopping as a task avoidance" exercise! Shopping takes a great deal of effort in my experience, especially food shopping and putting it away!

Vicar so so glad you have been fortunate enough to find a good, empathetic counsellor, you so need and deserve this after all you have been through. You mention this "re-wind" thing - is it EMDR (something to do with eye movements) I have heard so many MNs (not on this thread but on others) talk of how successful this therapy is, especially in dealing with buried trauma, because you don't have to "go through it all" as you do in psycho-dynamic therapy.

Snowy you are "washed out" today, is that because you didn't sleep well, or the effect of the meds, or a combincation of both maybe. Hope you"survive" the patient support group this afternoon. I'm sure it is meant to be helpful but I can imagine it is going to be an ordeal for you.

Poo - this didn't work, because I haven't answered the posts on P6 - and my post would have been first on P7 if I had done that wouldn't it. OR am I being stupid?

I think it is partly affected by how many messages you have displayed on each page - you can change this in customise. I've only got 2 pages so far for this thread which makes it a bit more feasible to scroll back...

Hello everyone - not done anything today and starting to get frustrated. Had odd call from agency yesterday, they have my CV on record bla bla - then got put through to woman dealing with my file - "have the compliance team not contacted you" err, no - she couldnt get me off the phone quick enough, didn't have time to ask if there was a problem. I suspect the original caller was looking at CVs and didnt realise i was at the reference collection stage (the stage that clearly buggered me up). So, thats that, its made me feel like shit though. Wasn't going to post really, don't want to monopolise thread because of my inability to be consise!

Nana - do i believe in life after death? I just don't know - I tend to think of things physically Ed might be albe to help me with this but there is a law in physics that states that the "Entropy of the universe tends towards maximum disorder" and that this is true (of any system) unless Energy is put in. It doesn't all fall apart though does it, so there is something holding everything together (God?). That doesn't answer the question - life after death - i think that yes, we do go on, but not in the state we are in now, this makes me sad. Another law of physics - "energy can be niether created or destroyed" Which almost, if you squint, could be read that God was not created, he just IS and always has been - it fits for me. I have to make it logical - of course it probably doesn't make sense to anyone else. I honestly think if i thought too long and hard about religeon i would change my faith! Sorry, that doesn't make any sense to me even!

RIGHT - I am going to tidy my DDs room - I AM going to do this today!

Both NanaNina - got to put up with it for 2 months until I can rediscuss the meds.

I suppose at least it gets me out this afternoon.

Hi, thanks for all being welcoming. In a really horrible place right now so don't want to bring the thread down. I follow it every day, and it's reassuring to know I'm not alone. Don't feel like you have to ask after me, I'll just be here in the background!

Struggling now. DH very poorly. I think its worse cos it reminds me of what he was like when he was v depressed last year, I still remember how scary and hard it was, I worry that it's coming back (keep telling myself it's just an evil virus, but can't quell the lump in my throat and rising anxiety throughout). I need to go back up and encourage him to keep drinking as he can't seem to keep any food down . Finding it hard to keep calm. Twiddling hair again.

LEM how did you get on with DDs room? Also v interesting to hear your physicists perspective about God - and it made sense to me too. I don't think we can rationalise it all - there has to be an element of faith (whether its blind or seeing?!) I do believe in life after death, partly as a hope, but partly as a result of Jesus' time on earth.

Hope you get on OK this afternoon snowy

Nana hope your day's going OK. And yes to the walking through treacle/exhaustion - tidying bedroom was ridiculously hard work this morning.

Take care all x

Hi Gracie don't worry about bringing it down. We all have bad days here and it helps to get in down... We'll be thinking of you if you don't want to post - you are most definitely not alone x

Hello Gracie and welcome to the thread! I lurked on here for weeks and have dipped my toe in and it really helps to tell a bunch of lovely strangers how I really feel
Thinking of you colouring, my thoughts race away with me when I'm afraid, it's only a virus, he'll get better soon.I twiddle my hair too- I used to pull it out but I only twiddle these days.
Glad the counselling is going well for vicar I had a great counseller three years ago through work, it was really hard to stop after six sessions.
Ed, loved the weather/climate metaphor. That's helped me.
Love to the sweet, wise nana,I'm loving MH social work, I don't even know if I'll end up doing it I just want to get to the end of the course atm. Warm hugs for basset, and snowy.
Lem I know what you mean about faith, I just keep it simple and don't overthink it. I've found praying really comforting in the last few weeks, I do it in the car on the way to work/placement- other drivers must think I'm mad
A wave to anyone I've forgotten.
Glad to be back home now, I did really silly stuff today like leaving forms behind, and faxing off the wrong stuff, but i don't think I could get by at all without you lot right now