that light at the end of the tunnel isnt a train....stay on track!

[ThatVikRinA22]

thought we had better have a new one - old one nearly full. Think this is our 4th thread now....

linky to old one here

so, here we go....title a little more optimistic than i feel but im sure i will get back on track soon.....not doing bad particularly, just feeling a bit consumed with things....work is so intense. id forgotten.

anyway....nuff of me. over to you guys....
hope everyone manages to find us to say "hi"....welcome old and new.

I'll keep you in my thoughts, Ed. You have a good day too, hoochymama1

Thanks snowy, hope you have a nice peaceful pm x

Hello, I'm Rachael. I'm married and have a son who is 5 and a daughter 3. I've been treated for depression since I was 22, and am now 34.

I've been really struggling for the past 18 months. My family pretty supportive but I always need to seem more. Today dreading looking after my kids at 5 o' clock - my husband has said he needs a break and will be going out for a few hours.

He will be looking after kids all week as it is half term and I feel so pathetic and selfish that I don't feel I can even watch them for a few hours.

Reading this thread is all I've managed today and you all seem nice and non judgemental. I literally feel like I could be sick with all the bad thoughts in my head today.

Hi Rachael, and welcome Could you plan what you're going to do later, dvds can be helpful?

Hi Rachael

I'm up.
I've dealt with nibbles and cleaned her hutch.

My arms are stratched to high heaven where I had to weed first.

Now I am having a major shaking attack.

I haven't been shaky for ages. I have had a couple of slight shakes with brownies but I can understand and rationalise that.

This is full on shaking. Can't hold my hook properly

Everything's just so shit and I can't see any way out of this mess :(

Hi rachel sorry to hear you're having such a tough time. I have two dcs one 5 (today) one 8. I also feel like you sometimes re minding kids. It's hard to care for others when you're feeling so bad. Snowys idea is a good one.

Would they play outside if you have a garden - maybe fill some pans and plastic chips etc with water or let them paint outside with waste? Failing that mine love play doh and of course tv - its ok specially if you can face watching it with them and if you're up to it can ask them what they like etc... Good luck and remember is not for too long x

Hugs ed breathe. Slowly. In for 5 out for 7. Make a drink and sip it. It will pass. You're not alone x

(((( Ed )))) It's a tough thing to go through, CiQ has some good tips.

Thanks snowy. I did end up putting a film on for them and they have both fallen asleep, and I think that will be it now for the night. This is very unusual for them but I am thanking heaven for small mercies.

CIQ - its nice to know that someone else sometimes feels the same. I think when I'm in a bad place I worry about the effect I'm having on them, and then avoid being with them. Then I convince myself I don't love them because I avoid being with them. The night has panned out better than expected and I love watching them sleep. It relaxes me a bit because they look so content asleep. Hope your DS had a goog birthday.

Ed - on my bad days I don't want to leave my bed, and just want to be left alone. The fact that you are feeling so bad but have managed to clean the hutch is amazing - it must have taken a lot of energy/ effort and you did it. Is the shaking a symptom of your depression/ anxiety, or a side effect of meds? I'm not joking that this thread kept me going last night and today and your previous posts were a big help. I think it is you who lists what washing they have done, and it made me realise I am not alone. Washing is the only housework I have managed for the last few months and even then I sometimes drown under the sorting, putting in, getting out, drying and putting away of it all! I don't contemplate ironing as the baskets already sit for a couple of days waiting for me to put them away. Sending you hugs xx

sleeping kids Racheal. I know what you mean about worrying about the effect you have on them - I seem to yo yo between good days like today when I think I am doing OK considering the state of my head, and if I keep improving slowly I will get there... and other days when I feel the opposite. Sometimes you do need space from them. I do find planning an activity helps (can you tell?!) and they have watched more TV this year, but apparently not as much as many kids

Its great you have managed to keep up with the washing. I have not and there are now piles on the landing by the washing basket I have been a bit better with the cleaning (Well was last week) and have done a bit of gardening which I prefer to cleaning cos the effects last longer...

snowy hope your afternoon was peaceful.

ed how are you doing now?

Hi to all. Trying to brace myself for rain tomorrow, and counsellor. DS had "a brilliant birthday" so . Which is great as I am now completely wiped out!

I need to work out how to find my profile and put a pic on so you can see his cake I decorated. Any tips anyone?

x all.

Yes thanks, it was. I don't feel enthused by the start of another week, had a few low days recently. Thinking of everyone.

just nipping in to say welcome to racheal

i didnt go to bed until 4am as i am on nights tomorrow so need to stay up tonight so i can lay in tormorrow....i hate that when im working i lose my days....

got up at 13.30....

spent the day tidying, cleaning and cleaned the jewel ratty girls out - had a scary moment when i dropped the sputnik they were all in on the floor and had rats scatter....my dog would have eaten them but dh grabbed the dog and i grabbed the rats!

i went out for a run.
the first run in over a year. I did ok, managed a 20 min run but it did make me cough....my throat is so sore all the time from the hernia that it never takes much.
no cigs today. i need to pack it in.
ive eaten healthily today, run, then lazed in a lovely bath with the ratty girls while i read a book...(the rats werent in the bath i hasten to add - just running about in the bathroom! they are so funny and clever....)

im now having a glass of red wine. might read a bit more in a bit....
hope my part time application goes through in time for me to start dropping the last night by next working week....

Just popping my head around the corner - Have had a busy weekend, its been nice. Not without anxiety but its been minimal.

Ed - i am sorry you are struggling, I love your lists too - Maybe you are setting yourself too many targets short term and putting yourself under pressure if you don't achieve them? Maybe tomorrow don't have any actual targets of what you are gong to do, just take the day as it comes and be kind to yourself

CiQ - hugs to you too, glad DS had a nice bday, i am bracing myself for rain too - I feel so much better when the weather is good, it makes such a difference to me.

Vicar - i hope you enjoyed your run :) I did a long cycle ride on saturday - still recovering.

Waves to everyone else, sorry not to respond to all, knackered!

Welcome Rachael excellent news that your night with the dc's turned out well. Hopefully, you were able to enjoy the time with them. Sometimes, I find it impossible to enjoy tine with ds because I am so worried about the effect I am having on him. And tgr effects on my anxiety of a moody preteen!

Welcome also to plsstic and citrus.

ed well done for yesterday. It clearly wasn't easy - no wonder you were shaky after being ill. Every task done is a victory over the apathy of this illness. Allow yourself to relax as well - just as important a task. I have been spending lots of time reading in the garden (my idea of bliss) even when it has meant wearing twenty layers!

vicar you are doing brilliantly to be working nights - there is noway I could manage that.

Hello to everyone else.

No counselling this week due to the bank holiday and no work as the schools are off. I am trying to live by a rule I have given to several of my students: having (in my case) depression and anxiety doesn't mean you can give up, it means you have to try hsrder than everyone else. I normally go on to say that is what i am here to help you do. Not very good at helping myself though so the end of my sentence is: that is whst your coubsellor is here to help you to do. Taking care of myself is part of that though I continue to struggle with overeating.

Taking ds for counselling about stealing. I do not know what else to do.

Hello Rachael Warm hugs to CiQ and Snowy.

Ed your amazing, I hope that nibbles appreciates you!

Helles my ds used to nick stuff from shops, his pockets were always full of stuff when we got home he was about 3- my brother said i should have taken him to a car showroom!

Vicar a friend of mine in your line of work used to work with horses- she loved it, could you do this? This was in London though. Well done on reducing hours.

Went to placement this am and am now home to curl up and rock slightly whilst clutching a hot water bottle do write ups of uni work.

I wonder what on earth will i end up doing, will I ever be well enough to live a 'normal' life again

But the main thing is getting through today by the skin of my teeth

Love to anyone I've forgotten, surviving each day is a major achievement.

Oo Lem hope you have recovered from the bike ride. Wish I lived by the sea

Thanks for the welcomes, everyone.

It's really interesting reading about how other people's dreams and sleep are affected by medication/counselling. It took me a while to realise that there was probably a link between them.Then for a while I was feeling quite low because I was so very tired all the time after increasing my dosage. I would wake up exhausted and be ready to fall asleep early afternoon. It was sucking the life out of me. I'm bloody relieved it wore off.

I'm sorry about your guinea pig, Ed.

Isn't it strange how much weather changes your mood? It was so lovely this weekend and now that the rain and clouds have come back it's a massive shift.

Hello everyone - back to normal with the weather then, piddled down all day!! Fortunately its half term and I have DD around - which in some ways stabalises me and in others puts me on edge. We went to see Epic this morning and spent the rest of the day looking around the shops and went for lunch - girly time (ha, shes only 7!), DD likes going to the smelly shops and collecting perfume samles Took her to museum too but was >this< close to a panic attack so we left.

Ed I hope you are OK, have thought about you today, one of our stops was to C&H fabrica and OMFG the wool!!! some really lovely wools, but too expensive for me really - DD and I were looking at some of the crafting stuff and making "wish lists"

Thread seems to have gone really quiet - i hope it is because the weather is improving?? Hugs to everyone x

I hope everyone's ok too, the weather doesn't help some people. I lost myself on the net today. That sounds like a nice day, LEM

Hi just letting you know I'm still around.

Tough day. Dcs home. Been bickering since the moment they arrived back which has driven me bonkers. Dtds sound as though they are still at it...sigh...

I love looking around john lewis at all tge wool but in reality only ever buy cheap stuff from the market. But for the toys I do works fine. If I was ever going to make clothes I would probably spend more.

Right. I'm sorry I've ditched mn in favour of my current book which I can't put down. I'm determined to finish it tonight :o

Hi everyone, esp lem, hoochy, snowy, plastic, vicar, basset

Haven't been here so much as busy with ds birthday and half term... Had brother, wife and baby neice round today. I don't find them the easiest company usually as I'm not convinced she's v kind to my brother, but I consciously tried to put that aside today and it helped. Just back from seeing les miserables which was fab. Knackered but a good day. Grandparents over tomorrow - which inc my mum so will have to try and mentally brace myself.
lem sounds like a good day with dd
snowy hope u enjoyed your surfing!
*hoochy hang in there, I do believe we will get better, but do think it will take time. Thanks for the hug - much appreciated.
helles sorry to hear about your ds but it's great your taking action and getting him some counselling.

Hoping everyone survives another cloudy day, I've been consciously trying to picture yesterdays sunny skies today! Love to all x

Hi ed do finish your book - what is it?!

Do tell me what book you are reading Ed, i have a kindle and can never think what to download.

Nite everyone - gosh, im knackered

You don't want to know by lisa jackson.

Would make a fab film.

Main character is mentally ill and paranoid. Lots of memory loss which is coming back in dribs and drabs. Big things she can't remember like the fact her son is adopted not a birth child etc. BUT I think she is being medicated to induce paranoia, memory loss and hallucinations. Lots of housekeepery staff are all family by birth or marriage and are in on the lies. And now shes prime suspect for 3 murders...but in reality it was probably an escapee from tge local secure hospital facility. I've already sussed that the wheelchair confined character is more able than everyone thinks....

My bet is the killer will actually be her husband...the convicted escapee is just a bit too obvious. ..

I only read crime and forensics type stuff. But this has a bit of romance going through it which I have found different. Ive never read a romance before....I was famous 5 and secret 7 as a kid and crime and mysetery as an adult. ...

Right....back to the book.

Sounds great! Enjoy. I'm reading jojo moyes night music - classic novel stuff but well drawn characters.