that light at the end of the tunnel isnt a train....stay on track!

[ThatVikRinA22]

thought we had better have a new one - old one nearly full. Think this is our 4th thread now....

linky to old one here

so, here we go....title a little more optimistic than i feel but im sure i will get back on track soon.....not doing bad particularly, just feeling a bit consumed with things....work is so intense. id forgotten.

anyway....nuff of me. over to you guys....
hope everyone manages to find us to say "hi"....welcome old and new.

I'm reading a crime novel.

It was good. But now tge bulgarian mafia have got involved and its gone a bit silly.

I'm in bed now. Couldn't be arsed to brush my teeth and can't be arsed to care. This is not good.

evening every one.

thank you lem and ed re that thread - and thank you everyone else for your continued support on here.

i have spent the entire day at the stables today - riding lesson first which went well! and then my RI left for 3 hours and left me looking after things. I love love love being there.
we were talking again today about me getting a horse that she can use in the school.....she is going to pop an ad in the local equestrian store.

every one of those horses of hers, even the difficult ones respond to me, i feel so privileged! she now trusts me to hold the fort while she goes home for a few hours and knows i can handle all the horses (even the grumpy groos!) she really wanted me to again tomorrow ( i would rather work there for nothing than go to work but alas....)

3 of the horses today gave me huge cuddles, as if they have missed me. they are such amazing animals - they know things....they are intuitive and wonderful. good for the soul.

i didnt get home until about 9pm! nipped to tesco for a few bits, then had to have a bath/wash hair, (had the jewel rat sisters out for free range time while in the bath with a book and glass of wine!) iron clothes for work tomorrow, charge up works mobile, and now im here.

DS phoned again today - he had another job offer! 32k!! BUT it was in London so he has opted for the Devon job....not bad for someone who has flunked his last year at uni....but he does have the technical know how and the work experience, i just wish he hadnt chucked his degree at the last minute, such a waste of money but it hasnt seemed to be to his detriment so i am thankful.

i am anxious about him going away. more sad than i thought i would be considering when he is living with me i could cheerfully murder him....

anyway.
just want to say ciq lem and ed - i do hope your wallowing corner is needed for only a very short period of time.
Everyone on this thread has been such a rock for me, and none of you deserve this crappy shape changing illness.....

i hope tomorrow is a better day.
im at work so i doubt it will be for me....i am counting down again to my days off.
i havent done my schedule for part time working either.....i was going to do that and then type it up tomorrow. i might be happier about work when i finally get that done....nothing is ever made easy though in this job - there is always a mountainous amount of paperwork even for a simple request to drop a shift....

night night all.
xxx

CiQ It's so hard on the down days when you feel like you're getting nowhere and you're sure going to keep on 'failing' over and over... I think sometimes it doesn't help to think about the times you've felt this way before and got through it, because when you get like this it seems like no matter how many times you do get through it you're always going to feel down again soon enough, when really all you want is to be ok forever and not have to worry about the next time. But things really do feel better in between, even if sometimes all we can do in the meantime is wait it out without quite believing it.

I don't know if that's at all helpful or even makes sense, sorry. I'm very tired tonight. But if nothing else, try not to hate yourself - you've made me smile more than once already and I've only been here a few days

Ed, you're not lazy, you're just overwhelmed - don't feel bad for not doing what looks like small things, they really add up when you're under this much stress. Especially when you're also ill.

Vicar I have nothing specific to say in reply to your post but couldn't not comment as you always sound like such a lovely person The horses sound fab too, I am most jealous!

to all in the wallowing corner, hopefully things will look up in the morning.

Night everyone x

Hello to everyone (and newcomers) I have been trying to catch up on the thread, but this has only served to make me more muddled about "whose who" and what they have posted! I had a good time in Ireland and my grandson's first communion was lovely. All the children took part in something, singing, readings etc and my grandson's part was to carry the chalice up the aisle! I'm a very lapsed Catholic but I felt quite moved by the communion mass.

However 3 days before going to Ireland I woke in the depths of despair (first really bad day since the added mirtazapine) and so it was a double whammy as I was daring to believe I had got my life back and the Ireland trip which always makes me anxious. My anxiety levels were sky high and I cried in the airport and on the plane. DP said I was sobbing so loud on the plane (in window seat) that the bloke next to him asked if I was OK!! However as soon as we were out of the airport and dil picked us up, my anxiety just drained away. It was quite remarkable, and was more or less ok after that, though had a couple of "flat" mornings but improved early afternoon. My CPN is coming again tomorrow and she saw me last week when I was in a bad state, and said she is asking the psychiatrist who I saw last time to come out and see me as it is over 2 months since he saw me. I think the only thing he might suggest is an increase in the mirtazipan to 45mg.

Vicar brilliant news about your son - you must be so relieved, but understand that you are a bit shocked at him moving so far away. Glad you had a good time with the horses, but the mention of your "ratty girls" in the bathroom sends shivers down my spine - sorry!!

CIQ so sorry that you are having some bad days again. This illness is a complete bugger because it just won't leave us alone will it. Just as we think we are reaching recovery, it knocks us back again. I think Tiranna (hello!) has put it very well in her last post, about the ups and downs of this illness. On the bad days I am always saying to DP "will I be me again" and of course he says "yes" and then I say "I know I will but then it will come and knock me over again" --- aaargh all so bloody frustrating.

Someone (was it you CIQ) mentioned a psycho-dynamic therapist and feeling a bit pissed off because you had asked if she thought you were progressing and she tossed it back to you. I had therapy with a pyscho-dynamic therapist and as you say their belief is that the problems we have in adult life are echoes of what happened to us in the past, usually in childhood. I actually believe that is true, but I got so fed up with this therapist trying to unearth some buried trauma from the past that wasn't there, and as you said, I never got a straight answer. They set a great store by the words and phrases you use and then make their interpretation - which is fine if it fits, but if it doesn't it's just irksome. I think you should always challenge a therapist where necessary and tell them what you have found frustrating/annoying. I think there comes a point in therapy when you are "stuck" and nothing seems to be "moving" - I remember asking a similar question and having it tossed back at me. I actually grew to really dislike this therapist and gave up with her. I told her that sometimes I thought she thought that she was infallible and she said that was projection and I said NO - I understood about projection and it wasn't that and she just shrugged.

Sorry Lem I can't remember how you are. I have a feeling you have been having a wobble lately, hope you are feeling better. Ah yes I remember you took the dogs for a walk on the beach, and that money is very tight for you at the moment. When you are fully recovered and can get a job, things will improve.

Ed you do seem to have an awful lot of physical illnesses. Is your GP able to diagnose your illnesses or are you getting "fobbed off" because if so I think it's time to change your GP. Am I right in thinking that you physical health is causing you more distress than your mental health?

Snowy I remember you talking about having a plan for the possibility of relapse and I think for you it is a good idea, as this is what the crisis team suggested isn't it? I know how important it is for you to stay out of hospital, and so anything that you can do to prevent that, has to be a good thing. How's the "healthy eating" going?

Hello UA SPC and anyone else I've missed out. Where is Bassetfeet - I've been looking for her words of wisdom!

Yay nana

Glad your trip to ireland sound successful and positive overall.

Not really lots of physical illness. I had a neck injury of unknown origin (friend thinks it could have been me leaning over my crochet).
As I recovered from that I fell down the stairs and injured my coccyx. I got strong painkillers for that. I wouldn't have expected anything different.
I can't call either if those illnesses. Me being careless and injuring myself. But they both impacted on my ability to 'do stuff' so gave me an excuse to be lazy. My coccyx is still very very sore if I sit in certain positions; on certain chairs or for long periods. But I am mobile, on the whole, without pain now which is good. I just can't sit on my comfy sofa for long because it is my most painful place in the house :(

Last week I came down with general virusy flu-y symptoms (not worried about this. Dcs have had it too). Got better. Now chest is very sore. This is actually a typical pattern for me with after a cold, particularly since I had trouble shifting pneumonia a few years ago...or maybe I'm just more aware/sensitive to it. I wasn't surprised gp couldnt hear anything on my chest at that time of the day. I think it just gets me down because it makes me feel more shit about myself iyswim. Then I grt mire depressed....then I lay in bed...which is probably worse for my chest...vicious cycle. ..

Amyway...I guess I best sleep.

hey welcome back nana im also muddled these days - i dont get here as often as i would like now work is back in the way! really pleased that you had a good time in ireland and that your wee grandsons communion was so special.

my best friend is catholic and i went to her childrens communions - my kids also went to catholic school (was always DD s highlight at church taht she got a blessing when she couldnt take communion!)

ed - we really are twins.
coccyx injury. i know and feel your pain....i suspect my ongoing back problems are to do with my fall and coccyx fracture.....

Bloody rain - can't cycle to my counselling session :( was looking forward to that, it was masking the fact i have to go for counselling, then will be stuck waiting for a bus. Ah well, it will be ok. I feel crap but i do feel some improvement, haven't frozen doing things this week, monday was a wobble because of my mum but other than that, ive managed.

Nana - good to see you back glad ireland was good to you

Vicar - re the stables, i like nice lazy cobs though :) Good to read you have been doing something nice for yourself.

Ed and CiQ

Hugs to everyone - in a rush :)

Hi everyone, specially tiranna, nana, vicar, lem hope you make it to your counselling. Nana you're right I am fed up with counsellor but part of me wonders of there's some self sabotage going on. Head not good this morning. Racing negative thoughts flooding in. Have friend and kids round after school and they are going to have to play inside cos it's freezing rain here so need to tidy. No food in house either so need to go to supermarket. Think I will have to go to bed first. Overwhelmed.

Hi,

TirAnna thanks, the citalopram is better now in terms of side effects, at first I was horribly anxious and had that odd jaw clenching thing, but now I just feel a little nauseous after taking it if I haven't eaten. My DP is indeed very lovely. I know exactly what you mean about the ups and down being hard to take, you put it very well.

nana I am so glad Ireland was a success, I have been thinking about you. I am having psychodynamic therapy too, I do find it helpful, but it is a little frustrating in the same way as you describe. Some things are hard to deal with or make me sad just because they do, not because of some deep rooted flaw in my thinking.

vicar the horses sound lovely, your description of them has cheered me up a lot. So glad about your ds too, things do sometimes have a way of working out when you most need them to.

LEM hope the counselling is ok, thanks for thinking of me. You are right, the news about uni was good really, and gives me some breathing space. Sorry you're struggling lately.

CIQ and Ed, I am with you in the wallowing corner still. Yesterday was the worst I have felt in a long time, didn't get out of bed at all, just lay there feeling empty and trying not to exist. everything feels so odd and far away when I am like that and the horrible suicidal thoughts come back and scare me. I eventually was persuaded to have a bath, DP insists on sitting with me, because he worries about me on my own, but probably a good thing since I decided to put my head under water. It was just quiet and gave me a break from all the stuff in my head, I don't think I was really trying to do anything, I don't know. He had to drag me out, I frightened him half to death. I'm not sure what I was doing really, but now everyone is fussing over me and dp and my parents are worried and I would really just like to be left alone. I hate this, it's awful.

Hi and hugs to anyone I have forgotten.

(((( everyone who's feeling awful ))))

hi all
Thanks snowy hope your day's going OK.

(((hugs))) glabella, sorry to hear you had such a rough day yesterday. I can picture the bath thing - its an escape isn't it from these whirring brains and the thoughts they bring. Hope you have a peaceful day today.

LEM hope the counselling was helpful.
Ed how are you feeling today?
vicar those horses sounds so special

TirAnna thanks for your lovely words. It is so hard to believe "this" is not forever.

Nana lovely to have you back and hear about first communion. My daughters is in a month panic

Well I went back to bed and slept til 12. Think I needed it?! Then a lazy hour and then a blitz cleaning hour - hovered whole house, freshened bathroom, and uncovered the floor in the kids room. Made cheese on toast for lunch. Don't think I'm going to get to the supermarket but hey we have frozen chips in the freezer (I think). Sat in bed with laptop. Not doing anything else til school run (please let rain have eased).

Rather daunted by next week being half term. At the mo my Mon and Tuesdays on my own are the best days of the week. But its DS birthday Monday and I know he'll like his pressies so need to try and keep that it my head (rather than how busy next week will be).

More sun is needed.(((hugs to everyone))) you're a very special bunch x

Evening.

Mobile site playing up so will be a breif post.

lem how was counselling? I feel a bit let down with my therapist today.

Went. Scores for depression really low which is probably a fair reflection. Scores for anxiety pretty low...which I don't think are reflective tbh.

Told her I have 3 weeks unopened post. Didn't really suggest a way to tackle other than tge fact that I have to decide how to tackle and then do it.
Told her I have blocked all incoming phone calls to my mobile except dcs and schools. She was concerned about both of these. Wrote them both down. But didn't offer 'helping' strategies with either.

I will now have a telephone appointment with her in july then I'm discharged. She asked how I feel about that. I told her that I feel that I am coping with routine day to day housework etc. And feel that I could probably manage that. I said that I have no comprehension of how to get back to uni or whatever.
No comment.
I feel as though I've been thrown overboard and left to sink or swim. Whilst I feel that I can swim for a bit I don't feel that I can reach the island that is so so so far away in the distance.

So I'm lost.

Hugs to glabella. Take heart in the fact that you have a dh that cares deeply about you. That cares enough about you to pre-empt and prevent you spiralling further.

Huge hugs to everyone else.

Dcs have gone to xp till Tuesday. ..so I guess I get 72hrs solid in bed...

Endings are always difficult , particularly if you feel there's still work to do.

Do you have CMHT support? I hope you can get some support from somewhere...

Glad to see you back, nana

Nope.

I have my gp who sees me and writes a prescription once a month.

I was entitled to 6 NHS 'therapy' sessions.

I have destroyed my one supportive friendship.

I'm now resigned to laying in bed on my own with this thread. And even mn keeps going wonky tonight.

I guess I need to go and eat something and take meds. I've no idea what though

Oh Ed What's quick and easy that you can make and eat? Please take your meds as well. Maybe set yourself a goal for e.g. next half an hour, in which you'll eat something? It must be very very hard.

(((( Ed ))))

When you have figured out what to eat Ed, let me know - i got dates wrong and now all i have in the fridge is some meatballs and a tin of tomatos and onions, no basil so cant really do meatballs - because i don't want meatballs - dp is in the bath, lucky DP, fucker has hogged the bath three evenings this week and i get to tired later on i want to mnet

So want to just have pizza but we can't afford it.

Your counseller sounds like my old counseller Ed, he was a box ticker - i didn't feel that I got anything from it. I think you should go back to your doctor and ask to be referred again?

My counseller at the moment, jury still out, she asked me about my childhood today (cliche, much?) which i don't think we really went down that road much, i was bullied at school, lots of people wrere. She pushed me to say what i felt i was good at, i couldn't and got very anxious about it - she does seem to be quite challenging and this is what i need - i think. Ask me in six weeks time

Why have you destroyed your friendship Ed?

Ed? where do you live (roughly) in terms of what is around you? I don't like the thought of you being in bed all weekend. I THINK we are to have at least one OK day over the holiday. Can you go for a walk tomorrow? To a museum? Treat yourself to a pub lunch afterwards? Plan a route, have it ending either a pub or coffee shop? Something for you, something to look forward to - what do you like to do?

ed I just had an omelette, quickly followed by a kit Kat. What happened to your friendship ed? Would it help to talk here about it? She may understand if she knows what you are going through.

glabella must have been scary for your dp hopefully you will feel a bit better tomorrow.

nana glad you enjoyed Ireland, nice to have you back.

vicar so jealous that you are around horses and riding, I used to have a horse and compete when I was younger, am so allergic to them tho, it's definately on my todo list for the future, that feeling of galloping through a field on your own is amazing, also I feel they are very inituative animals.

ciq I think we should all do a sun dance, it's so cold here.

lem how are things today?

tiranna did you get a good sleep last night.

bassett, zombie and everyone else hello.

Does anyone else feel completely alone at times? I sometimes feel I don't have anyone I can talk openly to, I have been very betrayed by a df before so don't tend to open up to people as I would like, dh is great but he is away for long periods at a time, it's the weekend again and I could just sit and cry :( it's not fair on the dc, I feel I need to snap out of this but can't. I haven't been feeling well all week, got some throat lurgy and keep feeling dizzy, I came home from work this morning as I felt I was unsafe driving. I had kind of made up my mind to start my meds tomorrow but feel am wimping out again.

Friendship is a long story (which is buried on these threads somewhere).

Still in bed.

I feel so alone though so I know what you are saying.

Just a word of warning. My horrible feverish/painful bones/headachey chest thing I am suffering with started with one of the most hideous sore throats I have ever had.

Right. I need a wee. I am going to eat while im up.

I might go fir cheese and spaghetti bolognese on toast...if I've got any bread...

Notsoblonde, its probably better to wait until you are done with any grollies you might have before you start your meds, or you could say, in for a penny in for a pound and get the side effects out of the way - of course, you may not get any. I feel like i don't have any friends apart from DH, there are people I spend time with for DD to play with their kids and they are nice people but i dont consider them friends really. I think i prefer it that way if im honest.

Glabella - that does sounds scary, but i really like putting my head under the water in the bath, especially if its quite hot - i do like a hot bath, i totally get how you would shut everything out like that. But i don't do that when i'm unwell, i would say i do it most bath-times and I bet lots of people do. I couldn't imagine being physically able to hold my breath under water for any real amount of tme though, due to the gasp reflex (I have actually tried to hold my breath once when i was feeling bad, its impossible). Did your DP just panic or do you think you were trying anything? You should tell your doctor if you get any further suicidal thoughts as it could be your medication.

We have a dinner disaster unfolding as i type - i can't be doing with cooking so DP is out there, creating He did say we could have takeaway but we really cant afford it. I am really shit with the cooking lately, i get so stressed when i shop about money that i buy the bare minimum and it bites me in the arse because i dont have basic ingredients so cant "knock anything together". I think DD is going to have pasta and we are going to have a bacon sarnie with the bacon he bought for the morning. I do at least have some to wash it down with.

My mother has finally resolved her issues with the doctor - thank god and credit to the doctor for it as my mum was being impossible. This is a huge weight off my mind. I said to DP, give it a few days and we'll find out what the next "thing" is.

Will you consider the walk tomorrow Ed?

I'll try and get out somewhere. Not sure that it will be for a walk though due to inability to breathe after walking as far as my car atm...

That would be a bit of a problem Ed :) Did the doctor give you anything for that? Do you have any half decent museums around you? or just a trip to costa packet coffee